deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 What is an appropriate use of facebook? What is emotional cheating? Where are the boundaries when it comes to texting with members of the opposite sex? Had a massive fight (break up?) with my GF last night about her use of facebook chat and texting other men. We have way different ideas about what is "normal" or "appropriate". I think her chatting with other men is essentially emotional cheating. She thinks it's harmless. What do other couples consider a normal and healthy boundary with this type of stuff? What she posts, likes, and comments on are fairly appropriate, but she is constantly chatting with other past (future?) lovers and sexual partners. Is this normal or ok? I don't use facebook chatting or texting much. I just call people on the phone or send them a short text like "call me", so it's been really difficult to understand why she has 5-10 ongoing facebook chats with other men. It seems like cheating to me. She thinks it's totally ok and harmless. Am I just old fashioned or something? How do other couples approach this?
Vercetti Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Why is she extending time and energy to men outside the relationship. If it's nothing but talking about the weather what's the point. If it's more intimate then why does she need male perspective that's not yours. Is she seeking relationship advice from single men. Are the conversations ones she would have in frount of you. My ex cheated through social networks. A ex from long ago tried to get me in an affair from social networks. I encountered my wife on social networks. See where I'm going with this. 2
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Well obviously I agree completely. But she see's things differently. Was hoping someone could shed some light on her angle. But of course I agree with you 100%
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Some people are social media butterflies, and love to see what everyone else is doing, or seeing posts on walls, make comments or chat about interests. If the chatting is flirty, and intimate then ya it's not appropriate. Need an example of what is actually being said and the frequency. BUT I would find it a bit alarming if you expect her not to ever talk to any man except you.....that's un acceptable. 3
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Well, an example is her buddy "John". She had a FWB relationship with John a few years ago (while in a relationship with her last BF, she cheated on him constantly) but now John lives out of state and they facebook chat literally all day. She say's he's one of her best friends and she tells him everything about her life. He is single and the comments he makes on her facebook do not seem innocent. He makes comments about missing her etc. I don't know what they talk about. She once showed me a few of their "texts" and she was confiding in him about our relationship problems and there was a generally flirtatious vibe from him.
No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Depends. How old is she? I personally put zero value on facebook interactions. I use it to communicate if I have no other way to meet the person. "Liking" pictures and statuses I find infantile, I wouldn't be bothered by anything else but immaturity to waste time like this. Most likely she's just an attention seeker. Harmless but annoying (not more than a person playing video games or watching dumb shows or something). Btw having male friends for a woman is normal. Concerning only if it is one-to-one, all the time, oversharing etc (that borders with emotional infidelity). What is an appropriate use of facebook? What is emotional cheating? Where are the boundaries when it comes to texting with members of the opposite sex? Had a massive fight (break up?) with my GF last night about her use of facebook chat and texting other men. We have way different ideas about what is "normal" or "appropriate". I think her chatting with other men is essentially emotional cheating. She thinks it's harmless. What do other couples consider a normal and healthy boundary with this type of stuff? What she posts, likes, and comments on are fairly appropriate, but she is constantly chatting with other past (future?) lovers and sexual partners. Is this normal or ok? I don't use facebook chatting or texting much. I just call people on the phone or send them a short text like "call me", so it's been really difficult to understand why she has 5-10 ongoing facebook chats with other men. It seems like cheating to me. She thinks it's totally ok and harmless. Am I just old fashioned or something? How do other couples approach this? 1
No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 She's not getting enough attention (from you?) but in any case, he's in different state, this is most likely ego-stroking (John may think differently haha, but he's just her puppy giving her the needed attention). Don't worry too much. Well, an example is her buddy "John". She had a FWB relationship with John a few years ago (while in a relationship with her last BF, she cheated on him constantly) but now John lives out of state and they facebook chat literally all day. She say's he's one of her best friends and she tells him everything about her life. He is single and the comments he makes on her facebook do not seem innocent. He makes comments about missing her etc. I don't know what they talk about. She once showed me a few of their "texts" and she was confiding in him about our relationship problems and there was a generally flirtatious vibe from him. 2
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 I view her relationship with "john" as emotional infidelity They aren't sending nude pics or sexting each other, but if you share more with another man than you do with your BF, that constitutes a major violation of trust. "An "emotional affair" is an affair between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an affair of the heart." -wikipedia
Lois_Griffin Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Well, an example is her buddy "John". She had a FWB relationship with John a few years ago (while in a relationship with her last BF, she cheated on him constantly) but now John lives out of state and they facebook chat literally all day. She say's he's one of her best friends and she tells him everything about her life. He is single and the comments he makes on her facebook do not seem innocent. He makes comments about missing her etc. I don't know what they talk about. She once showed me a few of their "texts" and she was confiding in him about our relationship problems and there was a generally flirtatious vibe from him. Why do you refuse to see the writing on the wall? She was an escort at one time. She cheated all through her last relationship and she's showing you AGAIN who she is, continuing to do what she's always done. You recently found out even more lovely details about her never-ending past sexcapades - something about a gangbang if I remember. Why do you refuse to believe who she is? 2
Vercetti Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Not mature enough to know don't have scores of friends. Not wise enough to know social media is narastic fantasy. Not secure enough to live without approval from a collective. Not experienced enough if got a flat tire social networks are only good for " I'm so sorry for you, would love to help but can't; I had a flat tire and it sucked...update when get fixed" For what ts worth my stripper ex that tried pulling me in, was chatting with dozens of guys at once and even across multiple ims. Guess what she had no issues mocking her husband in group chat with strangers. I'm not trying to fuel your fire, my experance. I would never think of things like that. Being witness to that dark side WOW. Ex for a reason, just shocked the vile being so beyond the worst expected...of humanity.
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Am I being unreasonable for expecting her to cut out the facebook chatting? I don't care if it's with women or old friends, but single guys who are obviously "looking for a piece" should not be replied to IMO. She still chats with them even when they start out with a message like "hey girl, looking good"
Vercetti Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Wow shared your relationship problems with a guy she used to sleep with. Lol he and her are the problem. Don't let distance fool you...my ex was no limits cross country and international. Had guys stacked up everywhere. No shame. You need to get away from her. I usually take topics one at a time, just you have posted nothing but bad for you on this girl. You don't need to man up its not insecurity...this is not the one for you. I'm say I.g to you what was said to me about stripper ex. The sooner you make a move the better. You're passing up good women over her. You're risking you're health being with her. Get away man get away.
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Am I being unreasonable for expecting her to cut out the facebook chatting? I don't care if it's with women or old friends, but single guys who are obviously "looking for a piece" should not be replied to IMO. She still chats with them even when they start out with a message like "hey girl, looking good" You shouldn't be EXPECTING her to do anything....but you on the other hand should find someone else that is more suitable. you don't find it appropriate, she sees nothing wrong with it = incompatibility. 3
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Is it my fault? If there is an emotional vacancy great enough that my partner is looking for other men to fill that void in her life I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm a really attentive and available partner to her. But if she's seeking out other men to chat with maybe I'm not doing my job as her boyfriend...
Giggle Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I rather think you like the drama. Thread after thread you are distressed by the latest thing. Not that you haven't complained about her talking to exes before.. Are you wanting the masses to concur that shes an awful person and you are validated in breaking up? 4
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 YOU keep telling us how bad she is, and then when we tell you to end it, you don't, but you then go off and find something else to beat her up over the head with, and so it goes on and on and on... YOU either learn to accept her for who she is warts and all, or you end it. Simples 5
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 I do not like the drama. It's been ruining my life. I've been crying and having emotional breakdowns. Sometimes even at work... I would give anything to have a normal relationship with this woman. An honest, trusting and respectful relationship. Just typing that fills me with a mix of hope and sadness. Like a starving person talking about food. I'm just emotionally broken at this point. I love her too much to leave, but this relationship has been a nightmare.
yellowhibiscus Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I, too, went through the same thing with my ex- talking with other women, telling them they were hot, etc... He didn't think it was wrong and I did. It was a matter of incompatibility, whether you consider it cheating or not. I didn't like the way it made me feel and I let him know. He didn't care. I am 32 years old and way too old to be dealing with crap like that...I feel it is immature.
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I do not like the drama. It's been ruining my life. I've been crying and having emotional breakdowns. Sometimes even at work... I would give anything to have a normal relationship with this woman. An honest, trusting and respectful relationship. Just typing that fills me with a mix of hope and sadness. Like a starving person talking about food. I'm just emotionally broken at this point. I love her too much to leave, but this relationship has been a nightmare. The reason this relationship is a nightmare is because you stay in it. walk away and it goes away. Reality check: No one is going to come along and have a magic solution to turn her into your dream GF. Snap out of it before you find yourself jumping off a bridge......you are not in love, you have a sickness.....called no self worth. 1
wb1988 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Well, an example is her buddy "John". She had a FWB relationship with John a few years ago (while in a relationship with her last BF, she cheated on him constantly) but now John lives out of state and they facebook chat literally all day. She say's he's one of her best friends and she tells him everything about her life. He is single and the comments he makes on her facebook do not seem innocent. He makes comments about missing her etc. I don't know what they talk about. She once showed me a few of their "texts" and she was confiding in him about our relationship problems and there was a generally flirtatious vibe from him. I'm surprised that you haven't broken up already. I dated this girl for about 6 month and one day she had a problem on her computer and I was at work so I asked her to do a screen-share (I think it was via Skype) so I could see the problem. While doing it I saw one of the windows was on Facebook with a chat convo with this other guy. I literally ignored all conversation from her from that moment.
Versacehottie Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Well, an example is her buddy "John". She had a FWB relationship with John a few years ago (while in a relationship with her last BF, she cheated on him constantly) but now John lives out of state and they facebook chat literally all day. She say's he's one of her best friends and she tells him everything about her life. He is single and the comments he makes on her facebook do not seem innocent. He makes comments about missing her etc. I don't know what they talk about. She once showed me a few of their "texts" and she was confiding in him about our relationship problems and there was a generally flirtatious vibe from him. In this example I would say that's emotional cheating. Not because she was FWB with him before because NOW she tells him everything about her life and confides to him about her relationship with you two. So much so that publicly he freely makes not so innocent comments. Little chats are not such a big deal but also depends on the actual context. You aren't really surprised that you are "here" with her now, are you?
Versacehottie Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Am I being unreasonable for expecting her to cut out the facebook chatting? I don't care if it's with women or old friends, but single guys who are obviously "looking for a piece" should not be replied to IMO. She still chats with them even when they start out with a message like "hey girl, looking good" The kind of chatting with "john" no you are not being unreasonable. However, what is that saying: it's like you are trying to contain a dam that's about to break by plugging a tiny hole with your finger or a piece of straw. There are huge issues in this relationship you just keep trying to pick her apart--maybe she deserves it, maybe she doesn't. You aren't happy ever. This is not how it's supposed to be. You can "fix" this problem but the bigger problem is never going away. Seriously, I feel bad for you saying you are crying and it's affecting your work. It's not "love" to stay. It's a sick, co-dependent game. You should look out for yourself first and get some help. She will be fine. You need to take care of yourself. 1
wb1988 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 You aren't really surprised that you are "here" with her now, are you? You're right, he really shouldn't be surprised at this problem considering her past. What does he expect. 1
Author deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 I know it's just a matter of time before we break up. We almost broke up last night when I confronted her about chatting with other men. We're really close to the end. It's a shame, but this relationship was such extremes of happiness and despair. But I still wish it wasn't ending.
mrldii Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I always have hated the expression, "Never try to turn a whore into a wife". I believe I may have found the one and only time when it actually may be the very best advice and the only *appropriate* thing to say. OP, you've decided she's "a whore"; you need to stop trying to make her "a wife". 1
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