ellj Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 I met a guy online, after trawling through creepy guys I ended up speaking to this guy we talked for a while before eventually meeting up. I was terrified but went for it anyway, we got on so well, we had a drink and ended up talking and laughing for almost 3 hours. We've been on dates since, each time having a really great time we just laugh so much together, he's never let me pay, however I have a couple of times after forcing him to let me. I told him I wanted to take it all slowly, he told me that it was absolutely fine with him, we could take it as slow as I liked. I met his house mate, it was date 10 before we done anything sexual. We went out on dates to places, he was gentlemanly, we cooked together a couple of times at his. So we've been seeing each other for 3 months, he went away on holiday with his mates for a week, he text me whilst he was away, but not an aweful lot - not that I even expected him to really- he was with his friends. When he got back he was back to messaging me like he had before. I saw him last Wednesday when he got back from holiday, and he gave me a present he had got me whilst he was on holiday - it was a little present that tied in with our first conversation we ever had and that had turned into an ongoing joke together. He said 'now every time you look at it you can think of me' obviously this was sweet but it was half joky too. He text me saying he had a really nice time and it was nice to have seen me. Thursday he was messaging me, Friday he did up until lunchtime, then I didn't hear from him till the following evening but just shorter messages. Obviously my mind went into crazy girl mode, we had mentioned doing something on the weekend, we had usually been meeting up on Sundays. I had text him late that morning, to let me know if he still wanted to do something. He didn't reply till later that afternoon, saying he was so hungover so he wouldn't be able to do anything today. Monday he said he was still suffering from his hangover, Tuesday too, Wednesday he had to go see his niece, he'd text about once each day, but a little vacant, Wednesday he said his Thursday football might be cancelled so he might be free, he'd let me know. Thursday he text saying it was on but he could cancel because he felt bad, I replied a few hours later but he didn't even look at the message and I didn't hear back from him till Friday, he sent a message saying he was sorry for not being in contact the last couple of days (i'm not sure if he's aware he had been a week!) he'd been working late and going in early (I know his work does get very stressful sometimes and there are times things have gone wrong and he's stayed late and gone in earlier) said he's got alot going on at the mo I waited a few hours before replying, I just said I hoped that whatever is going on gets better, I didn't want to pry, not sure if he's going cold because he's not interested anymore, or if he does just have alot going on at the moment - either way i would have understood that completely. He replied saying thanks, and told me he had a work thing tomorrow and where it was. I had said a couple of times to let me know if he can meet up, but he hasn't initiated making plans, so I'm not going to mention it now and wait and see if he does. How long do I wait to say 'what is going on?' or do I just say 'do you even want to see me again? As the days have gone on I've just got the feeling he's lost interest, but it's all sudden and out of the blue especially after giving me a thoughtful gift from holiday, nothing had even happened and nothing had been said for him to freak out and think 'WOW, SHE'S CRAZY' I'm just a bit confused as to why he's gone cold on me, and how long do I leave it before saying anything about it? Because obviously if he needs space, that's fine. But obviously if he's not interested in me any more I want to know. Surely after 3 months of 'seeing each other' as he refers to it as, he wouldn't just go cold on me and not tell me he doesn't want to see me again? I think I've said that all.
kizik15 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Hi ellj, I am going through something similar. My GF of 3 months is going cold on me. My advice to you is to just completely leave him alone. Remember that you are high value, and someone who is not treating you up to your standards is not worthy of your time and energy. So, just go completely NC and let him initiate. Only respond to things he says. Try hard not to go into crazy girl mode (though I am definitely been guilty of going into crazy guy mode). Just remember that you deserve better, and if he won't give you the attention and respect that you deserve, he isn't the one you want to be with. Fortunately for you (and for me and my situation), 3 months is not a huge amount of time, so if this does end, sad as it may be, it won't take all that long to recover from. Use this as a lesson going forward about how you want to be treated, and what you will and won't tolerate. Good luck! k15 4
Author ellj Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 I know you're right, I should leave it and wait to see, 3 months to me though is a long time ha ha. I immediately went into the crazy girl mode in my head but managed to stop myself thank god, no body likes a crazy girl! Did anything happen/was anything said for her to have gone cold on you?
kizik15 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 I know you're right, I should leave it and wait to see, 3 months to me though is a long time ha ha. I immediately went into the crazy girl mode in my head but managed to stop myself thank god, no body likes a crazy girl! Did anything happen/was anything said for her to have gone cold on you?Just let him be. When you feel yourself get that feeling of "I NEED to text him", just stop, process the emotion, feel all of it, and let it pass. You have to understand that when we chase someone like that, all we are doing is driving them away. 3 months is NOT a long time, I assure you. No, nothing happened or was said. She's just really homesick and depressed being here. I would have liked to help her through it, but she wants to be alone. So, nothing I can do but respect her wishes, and see if she misses me. If she doesn't, well, there's my answer. I win either way and will move forward. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Yup, maintain your value and just realize that not everyone is a good person. Some dudes are opportunist and will wait it out just to get laid and bounce. However, it does seem like you may have put a little too much pressure on him and he "runaway brided" you. Leave him alone with his thoughts and let him get lonely. Take a while to respond, be busy, play hard to get again. To me, he sounds like the non-committal type that enjoys the chase and now the chase is over. You're probably better off with him, but if you want him back, you need to reset the clock and make him earn it. Quit being so available.
kizik15 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Leave him alone with his thoughts and let him get lonely. Take a while to respond, be busy, play hard to get again.Advice I need to take, as well. Sucks that games are necessary this far into a relationship, but if we have to play, we play. I am guilty of being far too available to my GF/STBX. Which causes her to resent my availability, ironically. I will never understand women
Author ellj Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 I don't think i've put any pressure on him to be honest, like...zero pressure. But thanks for your advice, I'll just leave it now and see if he bothers.
kizik15 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 I'll just leave it now and see if he bothers.You and me both. Gotta love LS!
Author ellj Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 you know you've reached new lows when you join a forum about relationship advice to keep your crazy side at bay! haha
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 you know you've reached new lows when you join a forum about relationship advice to keep your crazy side at bay! haha That's the pressure. He can sense it and it's off-putting because it feels like an obligation. That, and he's probably just a jerk, lol. 1
kizik15 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 you know you've reached new lows when you join a forum about relationship advice to keep your crazy side at bay! hahaI wouldn't think of it that way at all. This isn't a new low. LS has helped me countless times over the years in gaining outside perspective about my relationship situations. Sometimes when we're deep in it, we can't see how one-sided and crappy it is. This place will help you, for sure.
Author ellj Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 What's the pressure? The fact that my crazy girl side hasn't reared it's ugly head at him? :S
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 What's the pressure? The fact that my crazy girl side hasn't reared it's ugly head at him? :S People pick up on your energy. I'm sure you've done your best to hide the "crazy girl" but sometimes that leads to overcompensating and it comes off as disingenuous. Ever had a guy that you knew was playing "too cool" and you could sense it? It's the same concept. I'm not saying that's what happening because I can't make predictions based on an incomplete data set. However, I have a feeling he knows he's negotiating from a position of power. I know, it sucks and it's not fair, but none of the garbage is. They don't call it "the game" for nothing. 1
Strahatmak Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Take it easy. Give him and yourself some spaces. Get a life yourself. Just text him that hope things will work well on his side and you will be in touch later. If he is coming back later, he will.
Author ellj Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 I've just read what I've written, and I can see the bit where it might have sounded like I had been pushy 'I waited a few hours before replying, I just said I hoped that whatever is going on gets better, I didn't want to pry, not sure if he's going cold because he's not interested anymore, or if he does just have alot going on at the moment - either way i would have understood that completely.' I DID NOT SAY THAT ENTIRE THING. I'd written that wrong. I had literally just said 'Hey, I'm ok. Well, whatever is going on, I hope it gets better. I hope everything is ok' That's all I had written, I hadn't said the rest of it, that was my 'thoughts' but how i've written it here sounds like I said all of that, which yes, would have sounded pushy!
kizik15 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Hi ellj, stop analyzing what you did or didn't do. Don't worry, you're not alone in this - as you know I'm going through something similar. So what if you were "pushy"? Now you've learned. If you give him space and he comes back, then good on you. If you give him space and he doesn't, then you have your answer and can continue on, having chalked this up to experience. These things happen for us to learn from them. You will be fine, I promise. 1
Amalyn Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 you know you've reached new lows when you join a forum about relationship advice to keep your crazy side at bay! haha Honestly, LS has really taught me a lot about dating and forming new relationships. I've spent a lot of time reading threads of opinions and advice. LS also really helps me from going into crazy girl mode. As for your dilemma, I would give him his space and let him come to you. I suppose it's possible that he met someone else.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Once the novelty begins to wear off, around the 3 months mark, it's not unusual for people to start losing interest, especially if they weren't all that invested to begin with. Maybe he doesn't want to come out and be direct with you, it's easier (and douchier) to "give you a hint" instead. You can either call him out on his change of behavior (but he can twist that and accuse you of being clingy and controlling and use it as an excuse to end thing) or you can drop off the map as far as he is concerned (which is not very mature). Either way don't act like nothing is going on because it sends a message that you'll tolerate all kinds of disrespect.
kizik15 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 you can drop off the map as far as he is concerned (which is not very mature). Either way don't act like nothing is going on because it sends a message that you'll tolerate all kinds of disrespect.Dropping off the map IS sending a message. That you have your own life to live, and won't communicate with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. It's far from immature - it's taking back your own time, life and self-respect. 5
Gaeta Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 As I see it he still was in contact with you each day no matter how long or who initiated. The man got a hungover, got busy at work, got family event to attend to. Shyt happens and when it happens it never happens alone, it's always a collection of shyt hitting you you know that right! Let him take care of business for a few days. You've been dating for 3 months why is it the end of the world if suddenly got busy a week? Relax - let him solve his problems and see how he handles things with you this coming week. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Dropping off the map IS sending a message. That you have your own life to live, and won't communicate with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. It's far from immature - it's taking back your own time, life and self-respect. IMO it's more mature to confront them directly and not let them get away with their bs. Calling someone out when they mistreat and disrespect you is very empowering. Unfortunately it won't change anything for the OP. If he's lost interest no amount of confrontation, or silence for that matter, will change that.
anduina Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Whether he scared himself by being so into you or he found someone else, back off and don't wait for him. It's time to consider other options and if he happens to rubberband back to you in the future, it will be your decision to take him back or not and if you're already dating other options, the likelihood will be slim to none. I don't trusty flaky men.
Author ellj Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Thanks guys I agree with all of the points made, I know I'm just going to leave it and see if he contacts me, he hasn't over the weekend. I just believed he was a good guy – maybe I was seeing it through rose tinted glasses, who knows. Still part of me thinks he might just have something going on. I know we’re not in an official relationship but surely after 3 months of ‘seeing each other’ and it being talked about as ‘seeing each other’ there should be some sort of…ending? As in, surely at some point I would be told he’s not interested? If that is the case. Or is it normal after 3 months of seeing someone for them just to then suddenly fall off the radar and never hear from them again and with no explination?
angel.eyes Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Some people fade. Some people will breakup. But we're jumping the gun a bit here. It's still unclear whether he's lost interest. Normally, I would say people sometimes get busy. Reality sets in and you have to refocus a bit on work. One thing strikes me though in your situation. You stated that your dates were on Sundays. Did you ever hang out together on a Friday evening or Saturday? If not, what was the reasoning behind that? Either way, I would adopt a "wait and see" attitude. He could be busy, distracted by another, and/or losing interest. All three are possibilities at this juncture. Things will become clearer over the next couple of weeks. Try to be patient and calm while the situation unfolds.
Author ellj Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 He has football Mondays and Thursdays, I have yoga on Tuesdays, we have met on other days too, but it's just generally mainly fallen on those days... I'm trying not to jump the gun, i'm giving him space. He text me on Friday about a work thing he was going to be at Saturday and told me where it was. I'd replied the next day, just saying 'well have fun at your work do, i'm off on a bike ride up the woods' and left it at that, he hadn't been on watsapp till today but he hasn't even opened it to read it. Kinda weird. You only don't open a message unless you can't be bothered with someone. Hmm
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