marcelo.santos Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I'm a 40yr man, I'm a nice looking guy and I always dated very beautiful girls in my life. Now I'm dating a girl that is not so beautiful, she is a bit ugly to tell the true. She is 29yr, and besides the looking not so good she is perfect in all other aspects: I like to be with her, she is very smart, she is very funny, she like me very much, she is very successful in professional life, she has an excellent family, we have great sex, she have great friends and she has a very very good heart. So I decided to have her as a girlfriend today - I asked her and she accepted. The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me, sometimes my more mature side tells me to do not care what others think as I'm really happy having her by my side. I'm still afraid of posting photos with her in facebook - but I know that the time will solve this. Any suggestion about how to deal with this? Do you had any similar experience to share? Thank you.
contel3 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I never experienced what you did. But some of my boyfriends made me feel like I'm that "not so beautiful girl". Are you really in love with her? Or just scared of being alone? I never understood how you can be in love and still feel ashamed of that person. My advice would be to break it off. If you don't think she's beautiful- she can probably sense it. Even if you don't say anything, it's something she will realise sooner or later. Having your boyfriend think you are ugly is really heartbreaking. I'm sure there's someone out there who will think she is beautiful just as she is. 18
VengeanceGuidesMe Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 OP, I completely understand. I have dated girls in the past and get real concerned about bringing them to my professional parties because she's not very intelligent or beautiful or something. I think a lot of the times, we all sit and judge what people will think of us over the mates we can attract. The real thing is that you've got to realize the simple truths- The things you see, others will too. They will see she's a great person. And if they don't, **** them because it's not their life or their relationship. It only matters to you. I dated a girl who was out of my normal types, she was super kind and funny but not beautiful like most of the girls I went for. She came to a party with me and everyone loved her. People tend to be even more forgiving about looks when they aren't weighing whether or not they'd **** her. 3
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I have dated not so pretty men since I am single. At first I always have a phase where I was uncertain but soon I grow totally into them and when I am into a man there is no hiding him! I date him and I own every bit of it. If I didn't reach that level of that's my man and I am proud of it I would not date him. 6
Toodaloo Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me, sometimes my more mature side tells me to do not care what others think as I'm really happy having her by my side. I'm still afraid of posting photos with her in facebook - but I know that the time will solve this. If you are ashamed of her then you should not be dating her. Just as an aside it sounds very childish and silly for a grown man to be worried about what others say... My immediate reaction is to tell you to grow a pair and tell anyone that will listen that you are the luckiest man alive to have someone so kind, thoughtful and smart on the end of your arm. THAT is how a grown man in control of his life would respond. If anyone commented about her looks a grown man would immediately stand up and tell people how proud he is of his partner. If you can't think like a grown man and are still worried about silly facebook comments I suggest you let a man who is going to admire and adore her for the reason that make her so wonderful have a chance instead. 21
carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Any suggestion about how to deal with this? Psychological therapy can work wonders with fears which inhibit the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships. Re-read your post and identify your fear. Identifying the fear is the first step in working it. Sounds like you have a great catch here. Don't let your fears screw it up, IMO. 6
DivorcedDad123 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I had a friend years ago that was dating a handicapped girl. He expressed the same worries you have. I asked him if she treated him well,loved him,was nice,and made him happy to be around her. He said "Yes. All of that". So I told him to stop worrying about what others think of her,or him being with her. He was the one that laid beside her every night and he was the one who was getting the best of her. The others won't be there for him,but she will. You just need to stop looking for external validation of your choice and go with what your heart tells you. 5
Author marcelo.santos Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Are you really in love with her? Or just scared of being alone? I never understood how you can be in love and still feel ashamed of that person. My advice would be to break it off. If you don't think she's beautiful- she can probably sense it. Even if you don't say anything, it's something she will realise sooner or later. Having your boyfriend think you are ugly is really heartbreaking. I'm sure there's someone out there who will think she is beautiful just as she is. No, I'm not in love with her and I'm not scared with being alone - I'm not ashamed of her - I just feel a bit strange with her but this will be solved over time - You bought anyway an important point that I've have not figured out until now: Probably she will notice the problem - I'll try to manage this over time. Thanks for your comments. The real thing is that you've got to realize the simple truths- The things you see, others will too. They will see she's a great person. And if they don't, **** them because it's not their life or their relationship. Yes! Very true - thank you! I have dated not so pretty men since I am single. At first I always have a phase where I was uncertain but soon I grow totally into them and when I am into a man there is no hiding him! I date him and I own every bit of it. If I didn't reach that level of that's my man and I am proud of it I would not date him. I'm very proud with being with her anyway - thanks If you are ashamed of her then you should not be dating her. Just as an aside it sounds very childish and silly for a grown man to be worried about what others say... My immediate reaction is to tell you to grow a pair and tell anyone that will listen that you are the luckiest man alive to have someone so kind, thoughtful and smart on the end of your arm. THAT is how a grown man in control of his life would respond. If anyone commented about her looks a grown man would immediately stand up and tell people how proud he is of his partner. If you can't think like a grown man and are still worried about silly facebook comments I suggest you let a man who is going to admire and adore her for the reason that make her so wonderful have a chance instead. I'm not ashamed of her. She is a really nice girl. Yes, this is my immature side as I told. I'm not concerned exactly with "facebook comments" . Thanks for your comments. I had a friend years ago that was dating a handicapped girl. He expressed the same worries you have. I asked him if she treated him well,loved him,was nice,and made him happy to be around her. He said "Yes. All of that". So I told him to stop worrying about what others think of her,or him being with her. He was the one that laid beside her every night and he was the one who was getting the best of her. The others won't be there for him,but she will. You just need to stop looking for external validation of your choice and go with what your heart tells you. This is a very interesting case - thank you very much for sharing it - it helped me a lot! Psychological therapy can work wonders with fears which inhibit the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships. Re-read your post and identify your fear. Identifying the fear is the first step in working it. Sounds like you have a great catch here. Don't let your fears screw it up, IMO. I have fears - but not of the others will think, probably I have a bit of fear of happiness that she will bring to my life - ok, i know that this is odd, but probably is what is going here. Thank you for your comments!
carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 A common fear is that of acceptance into social groups. This stems from childhood and first integration beyond the safety and security of love provided in the familial home. How those acceptances happened and what they were predicated upon form emotional memories that reside in the core areas of our personalities. "The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me" Apparently you're used to having a beautiful girl at your side and being seen with a beautiful girl at your side and are a bit afraid of what others will think of you and how this not-so-beautiful reflects upon your social image. Don't underestimate social image and social power and fears of loss of either as potent motivators. Both are key to success in social groups in life and social groups are generally the key to a successful and popular life, unless of course you don't mind being Tom Hanks on a little island in the middle of the ocean talking to a soccer ball. I'm mentioning this since you state you're 40, long past the age of personality formation. What you have is firmly entrenched. 4
wb1988 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 She is 29yr, and besides the looking not so good she is perfect in all other aspects: I like to be with her, she is very smart, she is very funny, she like me very much, she is very successful in professional life, she has an excellent family, we have great sex, she have great friends and she has a very very good heart. So I decided to have her as a girlfriend today - I asked her and she accepted. The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me, sometimes my more mature side tells me to do not care what others think as I'm really happy having her by my side. I'm still afraid of posting photos with her in facebook - but I know that the time will solve this. For starters you are making up things to make up for your lack of attraction to her — since when do us guys care about a girl's professional successfulness, intelligence, family or her friends? If she was attractive you wouldn't even mention those. You seem to have low self-esteem which is why you gf'd a girl that you don't find attractive, probably because you can't do better or you think she's a safe option. Btw super hot girls can be just as loyal and ugly girls can be just as slutty. Also how do you think she'd feel if she read what you just wrote? I think you find someone else. 5
stillafool Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 What I'm not understanding if you didn't think she was pretty why did you ask her out in the first place? This goes for the others who said this about their dates also. Why in the world would you get involved with someone you don't find attractive? Were you hard up or something? You certainly aren't doing these unattractive people any favors. 4
GoodOnPaper Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Any suggestion about how to deal with this? Do you had any similar experience to share? I was similarly conflicted about my wife when started seeing each other except that it was about her weight, not her looks. Obviously, I maintained the relationship but I robbed myself of a "honeymoon" infatuation period that most couples have -- this still affects me, even today. Many years later, I was finally able to figure out what it meant for me to be truly attracted to someone. If I feel comfortable enough with a woman that I want to be completely open with her, physically and emotionally, then she's attractive enough. 2
mike_89 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Well since she is 29 years old and you are 40 years old you could instead of thinking of her as not so attractive, think of her as "I managed to get this woman that is over 10 years younger than I am". I think people will rather notice that she is a lot younger than you are and thus give you props, unless she is really quite unattractive. Just the thing to keep in mind is that if you have (had) a serious relationship with an unattractive girl, you are less attractive to attractive women if you ever need to start dating again and they find out. 1
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 No, I'm not in love with her and I'm not scared with being alone - I'm not ashamed of her - I just feel a bit strange with her but this will be solved over time - You bought anyway an important point that I've have not figured out until now: Probably she will notice the problem - I'll try to manage this over time. Thanks for your comments. Yes! Very true - thank you! I'm very proud with being with her anyway - thanks I'm not ashamed of her. She is a really nice girl. Yes, this is my immature side as I told. I'm not concerned exactly with "facebook comments" . Thanks for your comments. This is a very interesting case - thank you very much for sharing it - it helped me a lot! I have fears - but not of the others will think, probably I have a bit of fear of happiness that she will bring to my life - ok, i know that this is odd, but probably is what is going here. Thank you for your comments! You defend her so strongly then what's the problem? You made this thread specifically about her lack of beauty and your hesitation to put it up public on FB. Now you're saying it's really about fear of commitment? The fun thing about FB is what ever you put up, you can take down as you wish. 2
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I don't think this can work, as you are basically ashamed of her. NO woman wants to think that her bf is ashamed of her, and no doubt this shame will come out in arguments that you have down the line, and that will hurt her to her core. I do not really think you are at the stage where looks really do not matter, I guess looks matter a lot to you and you are trying desperately to fit this square peg girl into a round hole, because you like her, but not enough to discount the fact, she is not very good looking. FB matters, what your friends think matters, what the world thinks matters to you and despite your brain saying, "It really is no big deal, she is perfect", your ego is worried. What does this say about me? Am I past it? Can I no longer attract beautiful people? I have to make do with Miss Ugly, am I just making excuses to myself, that she really is a great catch... Unless you can actually change and can put your ego and shame away, your ego is always going to be pecking away at and undermining the good stuff you have with this girl. 8
regine_phalange Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Speaking as a "not-so-beautiful" girl. I don't need anyone to do me a favour. I didn't lack boyfriends who were great looking and kissed the ground I walked on. As I didn't lack boyfriends who weren't as good looking and thought I was "not-so-beautiful". Guess which category of boyfriends got dumped sooner because I lost interest or because I met someone who liked me more ? 6
RoseVille Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 When you love someone, you think they're the most beautiful person in the world. 8
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I dated unattractive, even had a 5 year relationship with someone that was considered "ugly".....I didn't care what anyone thought. 2
carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 The OP wrote: No, I'm not in love with her and I'm not scared with being alone Basically, this is a dating and sex situation without love involved. Not uncommon these days. Without emotional bonding, things can become more logical and analytical, some of which is being shared in this thread. I came to call it 'thinking the relationship (or marriage)'. Some people are wired up that way, either permanently or situationally. 2
Joaquin Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think you sound like that type of guy who needs to be with a girl who you consider to be physically attractive. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, most guys won't date a girl who they consider to be physically unattractive. Just decide what you want and don't drag this girl around with you on the pretense that you find her attractive when you clearly don't.
RoseVille Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think you sound like that type of guy who needs to be with a girl who you consider to be physically attractive. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, most guys won't date a girl who they consider to be physically unattractive. Just decide what you want and don't drag this girl around with you on the pretense that you find her attractive when you clearly don't. It sounds like he needs a girl that OTHER people find attractive. 2
Joaquin Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It sounds like he needs a girl that OTHER people find attractive. I get your point but I really do think he wants a girl who he sees as attractive. He's embarrassed by her because to him, she is not attractive. If she was attractive to him then all would be perfect!
carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If I'm reading his statements right, the OP would prefer to date a lady whom he and other people generally find attractive. I've seen this with a few friends where both the man and woman (they're all married now) turn heads when they enter the room as a couple. I won't presume to know that such social dynamics are important to them but can see how they could be. Again, this is all part of life success, maximizing use of one's assets in social interaction. Attractiveness to others is an asset, one some people are loathe to squander, or feel unproductive if they sense they are squandering it. That's where I identified the 'afraid' action word the OP was using.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If I'm reading his statements right, the OP would prefer to date a lady whom he and other people generally find attractive. Sure when you're 20 and your entire life revolves around peers acceptance. At 40 OP should be secure enough in who he is without needing society's seal of approve. 7
Joaquin Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think for a guy to be going with a girl who he considers unattractive, ugly, repulsive looking is probably a recipe for a not so fulfilling relationship to all involved. How long could the pretense last?
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