Should I let go? Or should continue

[premedlife]

There is this really wonderful guy that i have known for about 2 years and been talking to since April. He was there throughout the course of me and my ex relationship. He is a wonderful guy and treats me with so much love and respect. He gets me things i need and has always wanted a chance with me. However im not sure if i should end things now for no reason. He is 31 years old. He had an ex fiancee and has 2 kids with her. They separated 3 years ago and he has several relationship before me. he has his own apartment and work. He did not finish high school. I on the other hand, i am 20 years old, no children, i am a pre med student that will be applying to medical school next May. I am a junior in undergrad. I feel like he does not fit the picture of an ideal husband because of his education level. The fact that he has two children bothers me a lot because im not sure if i want to be a step mom. And i fear him leaving me to try and make things work with his babymomma. He is really an amazing man and im so confused whether to stay or let go. He says that he will go back to school to get some kind of degree to please my family. I don't know if my family will ever approve of me wanting to be with me. The age difference is not much of an issue for me. We have a lot of things in common and im afraid feelings have already started to grow.

[SoftViolin]

For what that's worth, dating/committing to men with kids and ex-spouses when you have none of that is an enormous undertaking. You are right to question the difficulty of being involved in someone's life with children in the background, the relationship with ex - all of it. The hesitation and questioning is likely to continue for a very long time if this relationship continues. It's really hard to stay in the honeymoon phase when (the remnants of someone else's) real life hits you hard so soon in the romance.

 

You are only 20. You have your whole life ahead of you - to finish college, go to med school, residency, meet and make new friends, experiences, hopes, dreams, all of that. His, on the other hand, are pretty much set. They have to be - he is responsible for two human beings, it's not all about him any more. Likely what you see with him is what you'll get. He might go back to school, but likely life will happen and he won't. He might seem amazing and wonderful now, in this particular environment, when you are 20 and inexperienced. You should think hard about pursuing or committing to something like this now. I will tell you for sure that you will experience so many changes in your life and perception of the world, and what you find attractive, before you even hit 30. You may find in several years or even months that you have very little in common with a 31 year-old father of two children. And it's not about the education level, he might be just as smart and bright as someone with a diploma on the wall. But his life direction and thus outlook is unlikely to match yours in the long run based on what you say.

[casey.lives]

do what makes you feel good.

[scooby-philly]

The question you have to ask yourself - is why do you want him in the first place? If why you want him doesn't match what you want out of life - then you'll only end up hurting yourself and him. Education doesn't matter - I know folks with MBAs from Wharton that are stuck making 70k a year - not bad - but certainly not 150k. I know people without degrees who have founded their own companies.

 

It seems like you already know that he doesn't fit what you want out of life. While I know there's no thing as an "idea husband" - your partner has to fit at least the most of the basics of what you want/expect. Sure, you learn and grow, but if they're not at least 50% then you're not on solid ground.

 

I mean, what happens when you want kids at 30/32 like doctors do after they complete everything? He'll be 41/43. Does he want to be an old dad?

 

It's a tough choice - but it seems like you really need to have a sit down and talk through a lot of these things...

[d0nnivain]

I can understand a decision not to want to marry him but what impact does that really have on your desire to date him? He does seem a bit old for you. It's not like you can take him to a school formal or something but if he's fun for now, no harm no foul. But if either of you can't date without falling in love or working toward forever & happily ever after not starting this is probably your best bet.

[Redhead14]

There is this really wonderful guy that i have known for about 2 years and been talking to since April. He was there throughout the course of me and my ex relationship. He is a wonderful guy and treats me with so much love and respect. He gets me things i need and has always wanted a chance with me. However im not sure if i should end things now for no reason. He is 31 years old. He had an ex fiancee and has 2 kids with her. They separated 3 years ago and he has several relationship before me. he has his own apartment and work. He did not finish high school. I on the other hand, i am 20 years old, no children, i am a pre med student that will be applying to medical school next May. I am a junior in undergrad. I feel like he does not fit the picture of an ideal husband because of his education level. The fact that he has two children bothers me a lot because im not sure if i want to be a step mom. And i fear him leaving me to try and make things work with his babymomma. He is really an amazing man and im so confused whether to stay or let go. He says that he will go back to school to get some kind of degree to please my family. I don't know if my family will ever approve of me wanting to be with me. The age difference is not much of an issue for me. We have a lot of things in common and im afraid feelings have already started to grow.

 

Have you had a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experiences in general? If you two are not on the same page there, the rest doesn't matter.

 

If you are, you have to get clear in your head about what it is you want for yourself out of a relationship and then weigh what he is bringing to the table against those needs and whether there is enough there to meet your basic needs.

 

Once you get clear about YOUR own needs, the rest will fall into place.

 

As far as him going back to his baby momma, you can't know if he will or won't. All you can do is sit back, observe whether he's dating you properly and like a man who is looking to have a real relationship. Let him come to you. Don't reach out to him for a while. Let him demonstrate what he wants.

 

He says that he will go back to school to get some kind of degree to please my family. -- That is the wrong thought process. He should do it for himself first, then you, if he wants to do it at all. That indicates a lack of self-motivation. He's not putting himself first. That is a little bit of a flag.