kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Do you think you can make it work when there are major differences in lifestyle? My ex and I broke up a few months ago, but have been sorting through our problems a bit lately. The one thing that really remains is that we live our lives differently.. basically the problem is that he is a bit of an escapist.. he wants to stay home and play video games late into the night and then sleep late into the day. I actually like doing that on occasion as well, but we were doing it SO much when we were together that I started to feel stuck and depressed myself. I like to have lots of plans, be outside, and party with friends etc. and I was passing up on plans all the time because otherwise I would hardly get to see him (our work schedules are quite different). When he does manage to get himself to go out he usually ends up really enjoying it. Then he's actually EXTREMELY outgoing and friendly, likes to go on adventures, and we have amazing conversations. In these times it's like we were just completely made for each other. We travel amazingly together as well. But he soon wants to retreat back into his apartment/video game cave... I'm not even sure if it's how he WANTS to live his life, because he complains of being in a rut and being really depressed all the time... And he talks about times when he wasn't like this very fondly.. I have a theory that we could make it work if we lived together.. then I could still go out with my friends and be active all the time, but still see him on a regular basis and have him as an integral part of my life (he doesn't mind when I go out with my friends at all). Maybe then he would even be more inclined to come out more often. But I'm not sure if this is just wishful thinking... Does anyone have any experience with two people wanting different lifestyles? Doesn't have to be this exact difference of course.. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Of course it matters. You experienced the downer of being with someone who just complains and doesn't fix his life. That's awfully depressing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 You are extroverted, and he is introverted. You want him to be an extrovert, but he can't be because that's not who he is. He is not the one holding you back from going out and having fun, you are. Make some plans with friends, and don't let him be your whole existence. Go out. Do things. Then relax with your boyfriend. Couples don't need to share every activity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 he's not fixing whatever's not working in his life. he likes you, but somehow still needs his own time. Video games are his way of having time for himself. Now, if that hobby brings him down, he should do something about it. Again, that's not your problem, it's his. I think you should focus on two things: 1. keeping an active social life, independently from him. if and when things go tits up, you'll still have your life, hobbies, friends, social network to support you 2. spending quality time with him. As in doing things together. Say no if he asks you to come over and he plays. It's either he plays or he spends time with you. Compartmentalize. Men do it all the time. if you believe what's preventing you two from being together is his lifestyle, it should be his decision to make this change. You can influence him and make him become aware of him, but you cannot put in the effort, at his place. It's a very personal thing... and a matter of personal evolution. Stay positive, focus on being happy, if you two try to patch things up and make sure to not be too dependent on him, emotionally. Cheers 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 It has nothing to do with introversion, he is passive. By the way OP, you can't control anyone. You can't move in just to change him. He has the right to be the way he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Keenly Haha I'm actually definitely an introvert.. A social introvert but an introvert nonetheless, so I do definitely understand his need for alone/quiet time. I did go out lots while we were together and he was fine with that and I'd have fun! I guess my problem was that when I did, we'd only get to see each other once or twice a week which was hard for me.. and it was like a bad influence sort of thing haha. BUT I think I could get used to it, particularly if we eventually moved in together. and you're right, it's my responsibility to continue to motivate myself.. So thank you for the input! That's good to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Emilia - to clarify I don't want to change him, that's why i'm asking if it's a deal breaker. Moving in would just mean that i would still get to see him even if I stayed busy with the rest of my life. We live a bit far apart. Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 If you really REALLY want him to change (and not saying that's a good idea, it's not) it comes down to LMA theory (leadership, management, and accountability). How do you get an employee to do what you want and love your company as much as you? You figure out what motivates them. It would be interesting to see what his strengths are on a critically-accepted strengths finder. Is he an achiever? Then you have to relate things you want to do with accomplishment. Is he competitive? You have to motivate him through the eyes of others. I know a lot of gamers (including myself) that gave it up because they started getting in real life what they used to get from gaming. Manipulation is easy when you understand people. Then it's about making them understand the company's vision and how they fit inside it. I mean...your vision and how they fit inside you...I mean...well you get it. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 if you move in, find a place between his place and yours. If you move in to his place, you'd be giving up your social activities. Never put yourself second. Compromise. What's fair is fair. Why would you be moving in? It's a big commitment. did he mention any long term plans? Usually people move in when they are really happy and cannot stand to spend time apart from eachother. It looks like u want to move in to fix his spending too much time on the gaming. That is a really poor reason to move it, you're about to make a mistake, watch it ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Candie13 - Great advice I actually do like doing our lazy gaming days SOMETIMES (i also play video games so we do it together) but I will make sure to intersperse it with quality time.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Empresario Haha I don't want to manipulate him! If he changes at all I want it to be because he wants to and because it betters HIS life. I do think it would, but i think it has to come primarily from him.. changing as part of an ultimatum for something else doesn't work in my experience. He is extremely competitive and he's actually insanely smart, and an incredibly talented guitar player/all around musician and climber. Problem is.. I think that he's such a perfectionist that he can't accept that he is not in top climbing shape anymore, in top music playing shape (haha not a phrase i know) so he plays games instead. Because he knows he can be the best at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 So he doesn't want to do stuff unless he is very good at it. That's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 emilia Yes that seems to be the case a lot of the time. Even socializing, when we go to the party he wants to be everyone's friend.. Or when we go to a play he wants to meet the cast and get invited to the after party (real example). This can be awesome and so much fun.. but i almost think it exhausts him so going out becomes more of a chore than it has to be. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 hey, OP, I get why he's doing what he's doing... but see, he's doing all those things for himself. Fair enough. You need to focus on what's in it for you. For the RS. How much time and effort he's putting in the RS, in keeping you happy... or even around. I know that when it comes to partners with magnetic personality, we sometimes forget to ask this basic question, but: is he a good bf? Is he attentive to you? Are you two doing nice things together? Is he putting any efforts into the RS to keep you happy? How does he see the future? Are you part of that future? Does he want you to be part of that future? There are the questions that matter. Be smart or else you risk to have your heart broken and waste a lot of time in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 emilia Yes that seems to be the case a lot of the time. Even socializing, when we go to the party he wants to be everyone's friend.. Or when we go to a play he wants to meet the cast and get invited to the after party (real example). This can be awesome and so much fun.. but i almost think it exhausts him so going out becomes more of a chore than it has to be. sounds like he's not being his authentic self. Insecure people feel the need to be loved and accepted more than the regular folks and will go to extra efforts for that. Of course he'll start hating it, especially if he's overinvesting in trying to please everyone (including people he doesn't particularly appreciate). It's a balance thing. makes sense to try to escape in video games. The more you play, the better you get at it. And if you're reasonably smart, it's even easier ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 emilia Yes that seems to be the case a lot of the time. Even socializing, when we go to the party he wants to be everyone's friend.. Or when we go to a play he wants to meet the cast and get invited to the after party (real example). This can be awesome and so much fun.. but i almost think it exhausts him so going out becomes more of a chore than it has to be. Well, there you go. See, you know what motivates him. But can you channel that? It's not easy. My #2 strength is competition. Everything becomes a comparison and I have to be extremely conscious of that in a relationship. One thing I know is women do not like comparisons. Yup. One of the WORST combinations is competition strength with laziness. A lazy competitor will have a hard time accomplishing much in life. Because you're intuitive and are exactly right...here is a description of a competitor based on the strengths test I use for my employees in my company: "Competition is rooted in comparison. When you look at the world, you are instinctively aware of other people’s performance. Their performance is the ultimate yardstick. No matter how hard you tried, no matter how worthy your intentions, if you reached your goal but did not outperform your peers, the achievement feels hollow. Like all competitors, you need other people. You need to compare. If you can compare, you can compete, and if you can compete, you can win. And when you win, there is no feeling quite like it. You like measurement because it facilitates comparisons. You like other competitors because they invigorate you. You like contests because they must produce a winner. You particularly like contests where you know you have the inside track to be the winner. Although you are gracious to your fellow competitors and even stoic in defeat, you don’t compete for the fun of competing. You compete to win. Over time you will come to avoid contests where winning seems unlikely." Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 candie13 Very good questions. We had those problems as well. Sometimes he was great, but when he retreated he would sometimes really retreat. Those are things we will need to discuss for sure. I am completely terrible at talking about my feelings or expressing my needs so part of me thinks that he could come around if I learn how to communicate. Sometimes he did put in huge amounts of effort and could be really romantic... But yes.. that's another thing we would need to sort out. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 After your teens, more than a hour or so of gaming is an issue IMO. Gaming should never trump the needs of a partner. Life should be shared with your partner. Sharing the same roof doesn't mean sharing a life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I have a theory that we could make it work if we lived together.. then I could still go out with my friends and be active all the time, but still see him on a regular basis and have him as an integral part of my life (he doesn't mind when I go out with my friends at all). Maybe then he would even be more inclined to come out more often. But I'm not sure if this is just wishful thinking... Does anyone have any experience with two people wanting different lifestyles? Doesn't have to be this exact difference of course.. Yes I have been in your shoes. Don't even think about it. You think by living with him you will get to see him, you won't. You will get to see his body standing in front of a screen and his mind absorbed on something else. It will grow old very fast. Soon, even though you live together, you will find yourself alone all the time. His body will be there but not his heart and mind. My ex-husband and I didn't have the same life style, just like your ex my ex enjoyed staying up late at night and sleeping late the following day. He slept till 2-3 pm Saturday and Sunday. He never got up to help me with the house or with our daughter, we never went anywhere or did anything. On weekdays he still wanted to enjoy his games till late in the night so the following morning he'd go to work, come back home, crash on the couch and I would have dinner alone with our daughter. He'd sleep till 9 pm, then get up and go back to his screeen. That was our life for 15 years. I will never again be with someone that has a different life style than me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Keenly Haha I'm actually definitely an introvert.. A social introvert but an introvert nonetheless, so I do definitely understand his need for alone/quiet time. I did go out lots while we were together and he was fine with that and I'd have fun! I guess my problem was that when I did, we'd only get to see each other once or twice a week which was hard for me.. and it was like a bad influence sort of thing haha. BUT I think I could get used to it, particularly if we eventually moved in together. and you're right, it's my responsibility to continue to motivate myself.. So thank you for the input! That's good to hear. Think of how Good the once or twice a week would be Because of the absence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 After your teens, more than a hour or so of gaming is an issue IMO. Is it windy on that high horse of yours? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 hahahah ya, I actually game myself. 1hr limit wouldn't work for me either at allll. I love a good hungover video game binge on a terrible day to be honest. So it's not like I'm some shiny perfect person that only wants to do exercise and friends. But he does like to do it wayyyyyyyyy too much. That's the concerning bit.. Gaeta eek... thank you for sharing that with me.. That is something to consider. He can be SO engaging and loving.. there are just too many games. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 there are just too many games. Steam Summer Sale. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 So much steam summer sale! I am stockpiling for winter. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 My friend has this problem with her new husband. She's not too happy about it. They have started their future of living separate lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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