Need to Vent

[lionheart153]

Just frustrated with this situation still and just need a way to vent, feel free to comment but I already know the answer.

 

Met a girl on a dating site, we hit it off right away and she gave me her number. Her profile states looking for a long term relationship, which is great, because I was interested in that as well. We chatted a lot for the next few days and would snapchat each other. She enjoyed making funny faces and snapping me in the morning to say good morning or something. I asked her out to grab coffee and she said yes. We met up and had a great time, ended up talking all night until we realized we had been at the coffee shop for 6 hours. I drove her home and on the way we still talked. We had about discussion about everything, life friends hobbies, eventually we talked about dating and our past. We talked about some serious things that in hindsight maybe I should not have revealed until I knew her more but I just felt comfortable, and I could tell I was smitten. I thought we were getting a vibe so when the convo turned to a more positive note and when she started to talk about her sexual behavior and such I thought that was a dead give away so I leaned in for a kiss. She didn't pull away but I never go the full 100% and she never leaned in to kiss me, she just smiled and said "not yet ok?" I can understand so I left it at that. After sitting in my car for a hour or so of talking I said good night.

 

We texted after saying we had a great time, and continued to chat over text. I felt great, butterflies in my stomach, smitten by this cute funny, amazing girl that I thought fit me perfectly, and it has been a while since I felt this way. Needless to say I was estatic. I couldn't wait and after a day or 2 of our initial meeting, I asked her for dinner, she said yes. Then things started to get weird. At dinner her sister was stalking us, trying to see who I am. And this made me uncomfortable. I think I just had a bad day and didn't handle it well, but I felt uncomfortable and when asked if she could get her sister and sisters friends to join us for dinner I declined. I think this was not the answer she wanted but she continued to have dinner with me and I paid for her. I screwed up here, and I did again after because I asked what she wanted to soon and I think that scared her off. I assumed from her profile that she would be looking for something serious and that this convo would be normal as it has been asked to me from other women I have been seeing the last year.

 

From that day even though we again spent a few hours of us just talking i kinda felt like it was not the same. I waited for it to cool off, we stilled talked a lot during the next week and she would still send me snaps saying good morning and liking my instagram posts. I asked her out again a bout a week later and she said yes, after some talk she wanted to let me know it was not a date, it was just us hanging out again, for now. I ended up probing what she meant by that and she basicly told me she likes me but does not know if she likes likes me yet. She explained she was dealing with self insecurities. (I know, that is probably a bad sign, sounds like what I say when I want to break things off with a girl or slow it down). But she still wanted to hang out. We chatted again and it still felt like this could be recovered. but then she stopped answering my text, and after 2 tries a few days apart I stopped trying. She still likes EVERY one of my instagram post or at least most which bothers me to no end, even though I need to let it go. And she will snap me good morning every now and then. but the one time I replied like I usually do, she would not answer. I know the snap was sent to me directly as it was not posted on her story, but then again maybe she sends a mass one to her followers. So i looked at the last one but never responded, and I haven't texted her again.

 

So I'm just sitting here beating myself up over this, maybe ill leave it for a week or a few and try to say hello again. I'm really sad that this ended this way because I feel I was the one that screwed up. The heart is heavy when you feel what you feel, but after my last LTR ended in a broken engagement, I feel like I can't handle dating, even though I thought I was ready finally.

 

Well if you came this far, thanks for reading. I hope you find better luck than I did.

[cessna]

I really don't think you did anything wrong so stop beating yourself up over it.

 

She sounds like a time waster to me and what was going on with her sister and her friends? Good man for standing your ground and saying no. You're on a date supposedly and who would be paying for her sister and her friends I wonder?...

 

I hate to say it but it sounds like she was using you.

[Toodaloo]

I hate to say it but it sounds like she was using you.

 

Just wanted to highlight that.

 

Hope you feel better for venting.

[lionheart153]

Well, I certainly feel used. I guess you just never know what one may be capable of.

[fitnessfan365]

Two mistakes.

 

1) If you're going to go for a kiss, go for the kiss. Don't lean in most of the way and then stop. This comes off like you're hesitating and that you lack confidence. So I'm guessing that's why you got the "Not yet OK".

 

2) As I said in your "nice guy" thread it's got nothing to do with being nice, opening doors, paying for the meal, etc.. It's that you get too serious and too attached right away. Instead of taking it date by date, and treating her like a stranger with some potential, you were already smitten. A prime example would be bringing up what she wanted on date two. That's why she is pulling away and giving you the "I don't know how much I like you yet" speech.

 

There is a movie called "My Best Friend's Girl" that you should watch. Right now you're acting exactly like Dustin (played by Jason Biggs). That's why he scares off Kate Hudson's character and she tells him that he is "Mr. Right, just not Mr. Right Now". In general, it's actually a great movie with some really funny scenes and a somewhat accurate portrayal of the male/female dynamic. So if you can train yourself not to rush the process and slow your roll a bit, you'll be fine.

Edited May 22, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[kendahke]

It's that you get too serious and too attached right away.

 

This right here. When you said:

 

I asked what she wanted to soon and I think that scared her off. I assumed from her profile that she would be looking for something serious and that this convo would be normal as it has been asked to me from other women I have been seeing the last year.

 

Yeah, she might want something serious--eventually-- but not at the second date. Just because your first meeting went well and lasted for hours doesn't mean you covered enough ground to jettison this to asking about seriousness.

 

You can handle dating--you just have to not try to live an entire lifetime in 10 minutes.

[lionheart153]

Do you think it is possible to recover from this? Or is it done? I did finally remove her from my instagram because it was getting annoying. I think she just mass likes everything.

[Gaeta]

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

* The kiss: You did it right, you showed your intention of kissing her and she did not reciprocate. I disagree with FF that when you go in for a kiss you have to impose it on a woman. You work your way in with confidence yes but slowly and you give her the opportunity to decline or reciprocate. That is exactly what you did.

 

I find it interesting that FF thinks that imposing a kiss on a woman is not putting pressure on a woman but asking her a simple question like 'what type of relationship are you looking for' is too much pressure.

 

* Asking what she wants on second date: You did right on that one too. I always ask on a FIRST date what the guy wants. You were not asking her what type of relationship she wanted with you, you were simply asking her what she is looking for as a general question which is best asked asap with online dating to avoid wasting time on the wrong person.

 

* Her inviting her sister and friend to join you over dinner. That was the most disrespectful thing to do to you. By doing this she was turning this date into a get together. At that point you should have been able to see the big red neon flashing over her head saying I don't see you as a dating prospect.

 

* All of her text attention afterward is just that attention. She enjoys the attention she's getting from you but nothing more.

 

* No it cannot be salvaged. Often you will do everything right but it's not meant to be. You cannot win a girl over just by doing everything right, there's need to be between 2 people that little invisible thing called attraction and that you cannot control or create, it's there or it's not, and it's not there for her, so don't waste anymore of your time and move to next.

[lionheart153]

This right here. When you said:

 

 

 

Yeah, she might want something serious--eventually-- but not at the second date. Just because your first meeting went well and lasted for hours doesn't mean you covered enough ground to jettison this to asking about seriousness.

 

You can handle dating--you just have to not try to live an entire lifetime in 10 minutes.

Do you think it is possible to recover from this? Or is it done? I did finally remove her from my instagram because it was getting annoying. I think she just mass likes everything.

[lionheart153]

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

* The kiss: You did it right, you showed your intention of kissing her and she did not reciprocate. I disagree with FF that when you go in for a kiss you have to impose it on a woman. You work your way in with confidence yes but slowly and you give her the opportunity to decline or reciprocate. That is exactly what you did.

 

I find it interesting that FF thinks that imposing a kiss on a woman is not putting pressure on a woman but asking her a simple question like 'what type of relationship are you looking for' is too much pressure.

 

* Asking what she wants on second date: You did right on that one too. I always ask on a FIRST date what the guy wants. You were not asking her what type of relationship she wanted with you, you were simply asking her what she is looking for as a general question which is best asked asap with online dating to avoid wasting time on the wrong person.

 

* Her inviting her sister and friend to join you over dinner. That was the most disrespectful thing to do to you. By doing this she was turning this date into a get together. At that point you should have been able to see the big red neon flashing over her head saying I don't see you as a dating prospect.

 

* All of her text attention afterward is just that attention. She enjoys the attention she's getting from you but nothing more.

 

* No it cannot be salvaged. Often you will do everything right but it's not meant to be. You cannot win a girl over just by doing everything right, there's need to be between 2 people that little invisible thing called attraction and that you cannot control or create, it's there or it's not, and it's not there for her, so don't waste anymore of your time and move to next.

 

Thanks, that is what I thought to. I never force myself on a girl for a kiss, I only go in slowly and let the girl pull to me. That way it gives them a choice. I felt maybe she was not as mature, I was not asking about being a bf but simply what she was hoping to gain from this. And perhaps she mis-understood.

 

AT this point I'll just leave it. I suppose there is not much else to do. I know that I am a catch and if she can't see it, then its too bad for her. She can go back to the people that don't care and don't treat her with respect. Perhaps she isn't mature enough to see that.

[computersandsuch]

I've messed up by not going for the kiss early. My philosophy now is to act now and ask for forgiveness later.

[lionheart153]

Was chatting with an old friend of mine, and the topic of this girl came up. And I told her about it.

 

Anyway she said that yea maybe the girl isn't interested and all the advice given are all valid, but now that I've arrived at a state that I know that its over and I can move past this (as she felt it was nothing serious anyway) why not go for broke and just be straight.

 

Ask her out, say its a date, and if shes not interested to just say so. The idea is interesting and she is right, I'm moving on, not like we knew each other long, so whatever her answer is wouldn't really effect me. In fact I have a date next Sunday with someone new. While I initially declined the idea she brought up that maybe it could have been miscommunication, as her bf and her had something similar happen, and the bf did just that, did a last hail mary and it worked for her and they are together for 4 years now. She isn't say it'll be the same, but at least I can be at peace that I clarified things and won't be left to wonder.

 

So curious to see what you guys think.

[Toodaloo]

Why oh why do some guys and girls have to search for an "answer" when the answer is already there and shown by their actions... if they do things like this its because they simply are not all that into you. You are not important to them. It is that basic and simple.

 

No point stressing over it just go find someone that you are important to.

 

I know it sounds harsh but why torture yourself? They certainly aren't!

[Gaeta]

Ask her out, say its a date, and if shes not interested to just say so. .

 

She already rejected you hon, but if you are one of those guys that need a full blown rejection to get it by all mean, do it.

[lionheart153]

Ok I'll admit, part of me still thinks about wtf happened. which is why this idea creep into my head after it was suggested.