Should I date my male friend?

[drakewood]

could really use some advice.

 

 

I'm 29F. Broken family history of emotional abuse/neglect from my parents. Plenty of counselling when younger. I only point this out because it goes some way to explaining my relationship history.

 

 

I dated a great guy for 7 years, got engaged, then broke it off. I had decided to date him when quite young, not through sheer attraction, but because he was simply a very nice guy. He was a very nice guy and our relationship lasted for years! But, when it came to settling down, I found various reasons that made me feel like I couldn't commit my life to him. Didn't feel passionate, understood etc. Basically, he was a decent guy in almost all senses of the word and we had a nice life together. He did a couple of things wrong and I left. But basically I wasn't ready and that was my fault.

 

 

The next guy I dated was a friend, also from quite a broken home, toxic family, lots of emotional unavailability issues, pretty manipulative. I felt like I had something in common with him. Loved him. Felt absolutely besotted by him and let him treat me pretty badly. Went through some really **** times with him messing me around and hurting me. I came out of that relationship a few months ago. Now in therapy discussing how I was drawn to him because of my dysfunctional family background.

 

 

Now, I want to be able to have a nice normal relationship with someone who actually cares about me and who I care about. I'd like to build something supportive, loving and kind and fun with someone.

 

 

The guy who messed me around has a good friend. The good friend is a guy. He's slightly younger. He's always been there for me (known each other for years). He's made it clear, in a non-pressuring way that he likes me. I've made it clear I'm not open to anything, because I don't want to mess him around with my indecision.

 

 

However. Now I come to the question.

 

 

 

Clearly, I am strongly attracted to emotionally unavailable, unkind men. Not a surprise, considering my childhood/home life, I'm unlikely to recognise and be drawn to positive qualities in someone. But I don't want to be the cliche that repeats patterns and gets drawn into awful relationships because that's what I saw my parents doing. But, that's clearly what I did in my last relationship because I followed my instincts.

 

 

This guy is kind, supportive, interested, clever, emotionally honest, determined and responsible.

 

 

But, I don't feel that sense of passion and excitement and those butterflies with him. I keep thinking it's because of the way he looks or something. I feel like I'm just not attracted to him. Or possibly it's because he's my ex's friend (too messy?). But logically, he is a great fit. We seem to share a sense of humour. I trust him. We have the same values and goals in life. He's not perfect, he isn't a Brad Pitt or a social butterfly, actually he's a bit on the short and shy side!

 

 

 

Sometimes when he is nice to me, like texting me to find out if I am home at night when I've been out somewhere, making fun plans for us to do something together, I feel myself start to panic. Clearly I have issues?!?

Should I date? Am I passing over a chance to be with a really decent person who'd treat me well? It's not like my instincts have served me well in the past. If I date, is this settling? Is settling a bad thing?

 

 

Or, am I just thinking this because I've been through such a bad experience?

 

Do I just want something safe?

 

I would hate to get with him and for him to feel like I am not into him. That would be pretty much a crap thing to do to someone.

 

 

Please tell me what you think! Even if it's critical. That's totally cool.

tl;dr: Should I date my friend, who is a decent guy but who I'm not sure about?

[fitnessfan365]

If you have to actively "convince" yourself to date someone, it isn't a good idea. Remember, just because someone is a decent person, doesn't mean that they will be a good fit for you. I mean you know you don't feel anything going in. That's why he's your friend. So what will end up probably happening? You'll try to force it, which will get him invested leading him on, and then when you realize you should have trusted your instincts, he's left twisting out in the wind.

 

I know up until this point, the only confident, assertive and passionate guys you're used to are the ones that treated you like crap. But there are gentlemen that will treat you well, that also have balls to give you the best of both. You just have to try harder to find one, and not settle for a guy that's 100% "nice" if you get my drift.

Edited April 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[barcode88]

Op I think you could use counseling to understand yourself better, and get out of the pit that you fell into.

 

Otherwise agreed with ffan.