My bf doesn't have enough time for me (or he doesn't want to...)

[amazingdrummer]

Yes, I'm very upset with our situation now. My bf - a teacher, claims that he has to talk for the whole day, and very tired at night so he doesn't want to talk anymore. Because of that, every evening when we talk on the phone, he will try to cut the conversation out after 5 minutes. He tries to finish our conversation quickly so he can relax on his couch, play computer games or check his FB.

He always feel tired in the evening, so he goes to sleep at 10. And now he takes a language course (for fun) with a private tutor, so he's occupied 2 nights of the weeks. He spend his Friday night and Saturday to practice with his band. Goes out with friends for dinner/drink on one weekday night.

So I think I can only see him one a week (maybe his Sunday). Some weeks we would not see each other at all, because I have to go on some business trips. Like today, on his only free night of the week, instead of telling me that we should meet because I'm going away on weekend, he decided to go out for dinner with friends. I didn't join them because I didn't want to go out with his friends, I just wanted some private time together. I feel very upset, I do think couple should spend a lot of time together and be each other's best friends..

Is it because he doesn't take me as a priority?

If I started to demand him to spend his evening with me, he would go to blame me for being selfish (maybe I'm selfish, I don't know). He is a nice guy and has long-term plan with me, but sometime I just wonder if the reason he's with me is not because of his deep love for me, but his being too lazy to change.

[Gaeta]

He has his list of priorities and you are at the bottom. You told him already how you feel there is nothing else for you to do. You accept it for what it is or you find someone who treats you better. What you have with him I don't call that a relationship or being a couple.

[Diezel]

Does he know he is your boyfriend?

 

Because it seems like you don't know that he isn't. Get someone who wants to spend time with you and doesn't treat you as an afterthought.

[Els]

How long have you been together?

 

I would not be satisfied with meeting once a week on a regular basis either, so I understand your complaint and agree that it is valid. I had an ex in my first year of college that was like this, and while there wasn't actually anything WRONG with his choice to do so, it wasn't right for me. It's part of the reason why he is an ex.

 

That being said, you should never DEMAND that someone spend more time with you. Especially this early on in a R, if you are already having issues with this, that means the two of you are incompatible and aren't meant to be. Leave, stop trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

[amazingdrummer]

How long have you been together?

 

I would not be satisfied with meeting once a week on a regular basis either, so I understand your complaint and agree that it is valid. I had an ex in my first year of college that was like this, and while there wasn't actually anything WRONG with his choice to do so, it wasn't right for me. It's part of the reason why he is an ex.

 

That being said, you should never DEMAND that someone spend more time with you. Especially this early on in a R, if you are already having issues with this, that means the two of you are incompatible and aren't meant to be. Leave, stop trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

 

We've been together for 2 years, he brought me home, introduced me to his parents and told them that we would marry in future. We used to see each other a lot at first, then things getting slow, and when questioned him, he told me ''things must be slowed down after honey moon stage". Is that true? I don't know, I think we should be more and more close to each other as time passes by.

 

He is a nice and romantic guy when he is with me, and tells me every time we meet that he loves me so much. Maybe we are not compatible as I expect although we never quarrel, mostly because I'm a very calm and soft person. I have a few relationships before, I was always the person who ended it (only happened when some things extreme happened: cheating, long distance...), so this time I was happy to find a person that I could be with, but....

[kendahke]

Is it because he doesn't take me as a priority?

 

Yes.

 

You are an option.

 

If you're cool with that, then carry on.

 

If you're not, then you need to find someone who is of the mind to make you a priority because he's not the one.

[Gary S]

Being short on calls and not seeing you enough is bad. You can try talking to him and telling him your needs. I hate to say this, but I think this relationship is heading toward breakup. Heck, he's not even there for you now.

 

By the way, he's probably a narcissist.

[elaine567]

This is not a real bf/gf relationship, he is a single man essentially with job and a full social life.

There is no room for you in it, and he has no desire it seems, to make sure you are included.

This 5 mins phone space he gives you before he "relaxes" is a joke,

he is treating you like a doormat.

This is not going to improve and I do not see this going anywhere either, sorry.

[blackcat777]

If a guy is really into you, he'll find a way to spend time with you, to contact you... and that's what everyone deserves in a relationship.

 

I would suggest getting in touch with your emotions and bringing up the subject in a non-accusatory way. I think you have the greatest chance of connecting with a partner when you phrase a situation in terms of how you feel, vs. what the other person is doing (the dreaded "you" statements). I'd give it one completely open, honest shot to see if he's willing to step up the plate.

 

If he isn't, I would be prepared to move on, as hard as that is. There's no point, ultimately, in holding on to a person who can't appreciate you, and doesn't care about your feelings.

[barcode88]

Yes, I'm very upset with our situation now. My bf - a teacher, claims that he has to talk for the whole day, and very tired at night so he doesn't want to talk anymore. Because of that, every evening when we talk on the phone, he will try to cut the conversation out after 5 minutes. He tries to finish our conversation quickly so he can relax on his couch, play computer games or check his FB.

He always feel tired in the evening, so he goes to sleep at 10. And now he takes a language course (for fun) with a private tutor, so he's occupied 2 nights of the weeks. He spend his Friday night and Saturday to practice with his band. Goes out with friends for dinner/drink on one weekday night.

So I think I can only see him one a week (maybe his Sunday). Some weeks we would not see each other at all, because I have to go on some business trips. Like today, on his only free night of the week, instead of telling me that we should meet because I'm going away on weekend, he decided to go out for dinner with friends. I didn't join them because I didn't want to go out with his friends, I just wanted some private time together. I feel very upset, I do think couple should spend a lot of time together and be each other's best friends..

Is it because he doesn't take me as a priority?

If I started to demand him to spend his evening with me, he would go to blame me for being selfish (maybe I'm selfish, I don't know). He is a nice guy and has long-term plan with me, but sometime I just wonder if the reason he's with me is not because of his deep love for me, but his being too lazy to change.

 

OP you can try talking to him, but he will probably try to redirect blame.

 

Sadly people don't know what they had until they lost it, and the way he's treating you, its not a relationship at all, especially one of 2 years.

 

I'm sure once you break up with him he'll wonder why he pissed away 2 years of his life.. Unless he's seeing someone else which would explain a lot, and I wouldn't rule that out.

[smackie9]

Hah if he isn't into talking to you that's because he doesn't want to. Once you become less of a priority the more evident the relationship has run it's course and is due to end.

[Redhead14]

Yes, I'm very upset with our situation now. My bf - a teacher, claims that he has to talk for the whole day, and very tired at night so he doesn't want to talk anymore. Because of that, every evening when we talk on the phone, he will try to cut the conversation out after 5 minutes. He tries to finish our conversation quickly so he can relax on his couch, play computer games or check his FB.

He always feel tired in the evening, so he goes to sleep at 10. And now he takes a language course (for fun) with a private tutor, so he's occupied 2 nights of the weeks. He spend his Friday night and Saturday to practice with his band. Goes out with friends for dinner/drink on one weekday night.

So I think I can only see him one a week (maybe his Sunday). Some weeks we would not see each other at all, because I have to go on some business trips. Like today, on his only free night of the week, instead of telling me that we should meet because I'm going away on weekend, he decided to go out for dinner with friends. I didn't join them because I didn't want to go out with his friends, I just wanted some private time together. I feel very upset, I do think couple should spend a lot of time together and be each other's best friends..

Is it because he doesn't take me as a priority?

If I started to demand him to spend his evening with me, he would go to blame me for being selfish (maybe I'm selfish, I don't know). He is a nice guy and has long-term plan with me, but sometime I just wonder if the reason he's with me is not because of his deep love for me, but his being too lazy to change.

 

How long have you been seeing him? You are not a priority to him. He would make time for you knowing you were going away for the weekend.

 

If I were you, I would start making plans for myself and not be available when he asks you and don't initiate any dates for a little while. Pull back for yourself. Don't play games, just make yourself even less available. If he starts to miss you, let him come to you and demonstrate his sincerity. yes, it will be difficult, but it will also give you some space to reflect on the fact that you are unhappy in the relationship. Don't demand time from him. In fact, take time away from him.

 

He doesn't even want to spend time talking on the phone when you see so little of each other?

 

You are not being selfish, he is. And, he isn't lazy, he has plenty of time for outside friends and activities.

 

This is not a "relationship". It's very one-sided. If you are that emotionally involved and want to see "where" the relationship is in his mind, you can open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him. Say something like "I enjoy spending time with you and our relationship is important to me. I am looking for a long-term committed relationship that includes more frequent and quality time for myself with someone ". (don't be specific about him though. That will come off as pressuring). And, then, let him talk.

 

If he says he's isn't looking for the same thing and doesn't want to give up "his" life. Don't be wishy-washy. Tell him you want more from a relationship and so it's not going to work between you two. And, then move on.

 

If he says he understands and wants to work on it, step back and let him demonstrate his sincerity. If things don't improve to your satisfaction by a certain point, move on then.

 

Oh, I just saw a post above that says this is a 2 year relationship! Oh my. Talk to him and be prepared to move on now. You've invested enough time in this.

 

Has it always been this way? If so, you've allowed yourself to be "strung along" for a really long time. It happens, but enough is enough.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Redhead14

[fitnessfan365]

You're definitely not a priority to him and men that are into their women want to spend more time, not less. I mean some weeks not even seeing you at all, and then others just making time for you on a Sunday? It sounds like a relationship based purely on convenience for him. So I'd break up with him if I were you.

 

But I do have to agree with him on the phone. I mean let's be real. On most days of the week, people have basically the same routine. If you ask him about his day on Mon and then again on Thurs, it will probably be the same conversation. Daily communication is just a way for people to validate the other person's interest level. They figure that if they aren't talking to their s/o every day, they must not be important to them. In a relationship, I am perfectly fine seeing my GF 3x a week and having a few quick calls to touch base. Also, when she just has to be F'd, I'm all for her popping over on extra days.

 

Now of course, people will ask about daily sex. Is daily sex awesome? In the beginning yes. But then it starts to turn into an obligation, you become attached at the hip,and it leads to co-dependence. I think relationships flourish when both people are independent and have their own lives. My brother is going through this right now. He was seeing his girl 1-2x a week and then the second they became exclusive he started seeing her 6x a week. This is how relationships burn out.

[rester]

I'm going to go against the grain here because your relationship sounds very similar to mine and I'm the boyfriend that appears to not be prioritizing the relationship. My days are long and in the evenings I have a couple projects I'm working on, although I don't watch television and I don't play computer games, and because my girlfriend respects what I do in my free time, she is more accepting of us being apart most evenings.

 

That said, time spent together has been the largest conflict in my relationship. At this point the only solution I've come up with is to sacrifice my friends and social life. I see friends about once every 4-6 weeks. Maybe that's normal at my age (late 30s)? I don't really know. It hasn't been normal to me until the last few years. Regardless, I don't have much energy left for them and it doesn't help that I'm extremely introverted and prefer to do most things on my own. Am I resentful of this sacrifice? A little. It does worry me, although for the moment it's the only thing that works.

 

I don't know what the solution to your specific situation is. Discussion, for one. You either need to accept the situation, make efforts to change it, or move on.

 

 

 

What bothers you more, the fact that he is prioritizing computer games and dinner with friends over time with you, or just that you don't get to spend much time together? What if he had other things that he was prioritizing over you? Would that make it any different?

 

I think those are the types of questions you might want to ask yourself. I've had this discussion with my girlfriend and if I were choosing computer games and friends over her she would have been gone a long time ago.

[losangelena]

On most days of the week, people have basically the same routine. If you ask him about his day on Mon and then again on Thurs, it will probably be the same conversation. Daily communication is just a way for people to validate the other person's interest level. They figure that if they aren't talking to their s/o every day, they must not be important to them.

 

I totally agree with this. Other than a few check-in, inside-joke texts, my BF and I don't communicate everyday. Why do I need to hear from him what he's up to? I know what he's up to—he goes to work, gets ready for the gym, goes to the gym, runs errands, comes home, makes dinner, games for a while, goes to sleep. Maybe he'll go to happy hour with coworkers or go get a beer with his workout buddy after the gym. By the time I see him on Thursday or Friday, we actually have stuff to talk about, because we haven't been blabbing to each other all week.

 

This did bother me at the beginning though, because I felt like he didn't care about me, but I know that's not true by all the ways he does show his care.

 

As far as the time he does or does not spend it with you, have you brought it up to him in a way that lets him know how you feel (neglected)? Being pushy or demanding won't help.

 

As a side note, I can't imagine dating a teacher. My roommate teaches middle school, and she's always busy and always tired. They have long days and work that follows them home.

[Mjm1014]

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I need to be honest...it sounds like he is letting you down easy, especially if things weren't like this in the past with him. It also could be that he feels you are too controlling-which is salvagable (read below)...Maybe he is too afraid to hurt your feelings calling it quits, maybe he hopes that you'll just give up, maybe he is unsure about his feelings and biding his time until he figures it out-in either case you aren't a priority and as someone that has self respect, I wouldn't be putting up with that.

 

My last relationship ended that way...I'm not going to lie, I got like that with my ex before I called it quits on her. I didn't really do it on purpose I guess you could say I was avoiding her and her constant fighting...she was always so negative, which caused me to lose feelings but wasn't 100% sure if I wanted to end things...when she was in a better mood and was consistently happy for a few days I would always come back though and enjoyed talking to her and being around her, but it was always a matter or time before something set her off or I was doing something wrong (going out with my friends)..I just felt like she was bringing me down all the time, and others saw that too. One day she started arguing with me about something pointless, I couldn't take it anymore and ended things. I've been a happy guy since.

 

My point is, think about your relationship with him. He's avoiding contact for some reason. Are you too controlling, do you demean him or demand too much? When he decides to go out, are you okay with that or do you show him disgust and resentment? If he sense any of that from you, he will run further from you and feel trapped/controlled!!! If you answer no then either there is someone else, he's just not into you and keeping you as an option, or is letting you down slowly. Either way, get to the bottom of it or find someone worth your time!!

 

For the next few days just cut back on the contact...come off a little mysterious what you're doing with your time..and if he wants to go out without you, say with a smile on your face say "that's fine I kind of want to do ____anyways or I might go out with my girlfriends" lie if you have to, and don't show ANY negative emotion. After a day or two he should be back to his old self...if not its prob because there's someone else. Good luck.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Mjm1014

[fitnessfan365]

I totally agree with this. Other than a few check-in, inside-joke texts, my BF and I don't communicate everyday. Why do I need to hear from him what he's up to? I know what he's up to. By the time I see him on Thursday or Friday, we actually have stuff to talk about, because we haven't been blabbing to each other all week.

 

This did bother me at the beginning though, because I felt like he didn't care about me, but I know that's not true by all the ways he does show his care.

 

Exactly. I usually like your posts because you have a good head on your shoulders. In the beginning, I think a lot of women are worried that they're just being used for sex. So they want to have that regular communication. But on a subconscious level, a guy being independent, not being available to gab every day, etc is what builds attraction. Then once you see that he is in it for the long haul, and that he cares with his actions, you're fine not having to talk every day.

 

When it comes to friends and family, you don't have to talk every day because you believe in the relationships. Just like you don't feel the need to always be having to talk. Silence is comfortable when it happens. Yet in romance, people feel the need to act differently. I say just hang back, let things develop naturally and have fun/hot sex. The rest takes care of itself.

[Redhead14]

Exactly. I usually like your posts because you have a good head on your shoulders. In the beginning, I think a lot of women are worried that they're just being used for sex. So they want to have that regular communication. But on a subconscious level, a guy being independent, not being available to gab every day, etc is what builds attraction. Then once you see that he is in it for the long haul, and that he cares with his actions, you're fine not having to talk every day.

 

When it comes to friends and family, you don't have to talk every day because you believe in the relationships. Just like you don't feel the need to always be having to talk. Silence is comfortable when it happens. Yet in romance, people feel the need to act differently. I say just hang back, let things develop naturally and have fun/hot sex. The rest takes care of itself.

 

I would agree with you about the phone calls, however, they see each other very infrequently for a 2 year relationship. So in that case, the phone contact would become important.

[elaine567]

I would agree with you about the phone calls, however, they see each other very infrequently for a 2 year relationship. So in that case, the phone contact would become important.

 

Agreed. This is not calling on top of seeing each other regularly, this is calling for 5 mins a night to maintain any contact it seems.

He seems to be sooo busy with his other life.

[Redhead14]

Agreed. This is not calling on top of seeing each other regularly, this is calling for 5 mins a night to maintain any contact it seems.

He seems to be sooo busy with his other life.

 

He seems to be sooo busy with his other life -- yep. He's got plenty of energy for everything else.

 

5 mins a night is just dangling a carrot to give the illusion of interest. He just wants to get laid on his schedule. Sorry to be blunt but . . .

[elaine567]

He seems to be sooo busy with his other life -- yep. He's got plenty of energy for everything else.

 

5 mins a night is just dangling a carrot to give the illusion of interest. He just wants to get laid on his schedule. Sorry to be blunt but . . .

 

I was thinking that as well.

[Redhead14]

I was thinking that as well.

 

And I might tend to say that he's not behaving this way out of some conscious effort to hurt you or string you along and that maybe he's just become comfortable with it, if not for this statement:

 

he would go to blame me for being selfish - You've expressed your needs and concerns. If he loved you and valued your 2 year relationship, he would say something like "I understand how you are feeling and I'd like to work together and figure out something that works for both of us". He should care about your feelings. He clearly doesn't.

 

What you do now is simply say what I recommended above in another post. Do it as soon as you can. It's time. All the best to you.

[writergal]

I dated a teacher. Heck I teach. It's EXHAUSTING. But I concur with the others who warn that this 2 year relationship is most likely headed for a breakup if your boyfriend's making excuses *not* to see and speak with you as regularly as he used to. Once someone downgrades you from being a priority in their life to just an option -- especially when you are the girlfriend (!) -- it's time to recalibrate your priorities too. Do you want to be in his background as the girlfriend he occasionally contacts 1x a week to see? Meanwhile, the rest of the world (his band, his class tutor, his friends) get to see more of him than you do? That doesn't sound reasonable to me.

 

Talk to him about your feelings. Tell him that you don't like the way he's deprioritized the relationship and your position as his girlfriend. If he has a hissy fit and tries to deflect and accuse you of being nagging, it's possible he is trying to get you to break up with him so that he doesn't have to do it. He either needs to make you a priority again, or you two need to breakup so that you can find a man who won't make excuses about why he can't fit time in his so-called busy schedule to see you.

 

When you love someone, you make time to see them. No excuses.

[Els]

We've been together for 2 years, he brought me home, introduced me to his parents and told them that we would marry in future. We used to see each other a lot at first, then things getting slow, and when questioned him, he told me ''things must be slowed down after honey moon stage". Is that true? I don't know, I think we should be more and more close to each other as time passes by.

 

If meeting once a week is his idea of what a stable, non-honeymoon relationship is like, what does he think would happen after you marry or move in together? Would he say barely two words to you each day except for Sunday? Will you be happy with that?

 

If you've talked to him about it and he still isn't interested in changing, then IMO he isn't the right one for you. Time to leave.

 

My SO is in one of the most demanding professions around, works 60-70 hours/week, and we still spend much more time together than the two of you do, and we've been together for several years. I'm not saying this in an attempt at bragging, but rather to illustrate that your bf's behaviour ISN'T necessarily what a relationship with a busy person after the honeymoon phase has to be like. This is just what a relationship with HIM (your bf) is like. You can change that.

 

He is a nice and romantic guy when he is with me, and tells me every time we meet that he loves me so much. Maybe we are not compatible as I expect although we never quarrel, mostly because I'm a very calm and soft person. I have a few relationships before, I was always the person who ended it (only happened when some things extreme happened: cheating, long distance...), so this time I was happy to find a person that I could be with, but....

 

I don't think never quarreling is necessarily a sign of a good relationship, especially if you are always the one holding back or bottling up resentment.

 

As for telling you he loves you all the time - IMO words are cheap. You see someone's love through the time, effort and investment they are willing to put in your R.

[amazingdrummer]

Thank you for all your comments in this thread. After reading all the comments, I agree that our relationship is not normal. I thought I was demanding and irrational when I asked for more of his time and attention. Teaching is exhausting job, so he always says that he''s very tired. Even in the only day of the week we meet, he told me many times that ''I'm tired, could we just stay at home''. I would agree.

My problem is I'm always available for him (I work 10 hours a day, sometime work weekend) and put him in front (I feel bad when I have to ask him for anything). Or maybe we just appreciate different things in life. I pay attentions to small things to make sure he's comfortable. I brought him water when he said he was thirsty, rubbed his feet when he said he's tired from a long ride, filled his fridge with cold beers to make sure he had something to drink right away when he came back from his holiday. My bf, however, is very independent and doesn't care about small things.

 

I couldn't talk to him yet because I feel very frustrated . He realized that I became silent again when he called me, asked me what wrong, and told me I could talk to him when I wanted. My problem is when I am frustrated or angry, it turns on my ''silence mode'', I just walk away and could not talk at all. It's sad, I don't need his comfort words, I just need a real hug.

 

I think when I'm going away this weekend, I will send him an email to express my feeling.