LLostInLove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Im a 19 year old female and I have recently just started dating, I am kind of new to the whole dating thing. I have noticed a problem and I am not sure why this happens, it makes me feel like such a failure. I have no problem attracting men, the problem arises after the first date and this is how it goes: Great first date, really flirty, fun, playful, he seems interested, he compliments me. All round fun time. After the date, one of us will text first and then we will chat for a few days. Ill get excited and think "wow, he must really like me"and then ill OVER ANALYSE EVERY GOD DAMN THING HE DOES. Everything he texts/says i will literally over analyse it and try to figure out what it means. Second date is planned. Im awkward, anxious and inside my own head. The guy is more relaxed, seems like he doesnt care, seems almost uninterested. Its like the table has turned and now IM the one trying to impress HIM How do i stop this? Im usually a very confident person around my friends but as soon as I start thinking about the 'what ifs' and 'what could be' I lose my confidence and its like he has me hooked? I feel like its ruining my dating experience. Has anyone else experienced this? I love the person I am when im with my friends, im funny, friendly, happy and awesome but around guys I really like im just UGH. How can something so natural be so hard for me? :( People say to me that i need to be more comfortable in my own skin, and theyre right but only to some extent because like I said I am pretty confident but it depends on who im around. When im with a guy I like its like my confidence goes down the drain and I just try too hard to be the person I think he wants me to be. And its funny, because the men I dont feel romantically attracted too, I seem to get them to like me and they treat me so great but the guys I actually do end up liking, I seem to repel. This is so exhausting, I think ill just be single forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Im a 19 year old female and I have recently just started dating, I am kind of new to the whole dating thing. I have noticed a problem and I am not sure why this happens, it makes me feel like such a failure. I have no problem attracting men, the problem arises after the first date and this is how it goes: Great first date, really flirty, fun, playful, he seems interested, he compliments me. All round fun time. After the date, one of us will text first and then we will chat for a few days. Ill get excited and think "wow, he must really like me"and then ill OVER ANALYSE EVERY GOD DAMN THING HE DOES. Everything he texts/says i will literally over analyse it and try to figure out what it means. Second date is planned. Im awkward, anxious and inside my own head. The guy is more relaxed, seems like he doesnt care, seems almost uninterested. Its like the table has turned and now IM the one trying to impress HIM How do i stop this? Im usually a very confident person around my friends but as soon as I start thinking about the 'what ifs' and 'what could be' I lose my confidence and its like he has me hooked? I feel like its ruining my dating experience. Has anyone else experienced this? I love the person I am when im with my friends, im funny, friendly, happy and awesome but around guys I really like im just UGH. How can something so natural be so hard for me? :( People say to me that i need to be more comfortable in my own skin, and theyre right but only to some extent because like I said I am pretty confident but it depends on who im around. When im with a guy I like its like my confidence goes down the drain and I just try too hard to be the person I think he wants me to be. And its funny, because the men I dont feel romantically attracted too, I seem to get them to like me and they treat me so great but the guys I actually do end up liking, I seem to repel. This is so exhausting, I think ill just be single forever. First of all, you need to get this statement out of your head: "This is so exhausting, I think ill just be single forever". You are feeling a little desperate for a relationship. You are only 19 years old Yes, it's not an easy path, however, if you approach it in a more relaxed and non-chalant way, it will help the situation. In the very beginning of any dating scenario it's important to manage your emotions and expectations. You simply go on the first date to enjoy the time with the new person. Same with the second date. Just be relaxed and "be in the moment". Don't project into the future about anyone. "And its funny, because the men I dont feel romantically attracted too, I seem to get them to like me and they treat me so great but the guys I actually do end up liking, I seem to repel" The statement above is ironic because it's the crux of your "struggle". The men you don't feel romantically attached to become attached to you because you aren't getting caught up and are, as you said earlier about some men, "more relaxed, and don"t care". When you find a guy you really llike you start coming on too strong, trying to impress, etc. Men pick up on that and you come across as clingy or needy. If you can be more relaxed and seem a "little" disinterested, the guy may come on a little stronger just as you come on a little stronger to the ones who seem a little disinterested in you. Neither of you should be "too" interested in the beginning. It's clouds your ability to be relaxed, enjoy the time and get to know the person. Just bring your best self to every new date. Stay in the moment. It's ok to have a little hope for each date, but don't dwell on it or think about a future with them until you've gotten to several dates. "How can something so natural be so hard for me"? It might be natural for you in other aspects of your life, but it isn't natural for you yet with new dating partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) I know exactly where youre coming from, because Ive been there way too many times. The first date goes well because there is no expectation, and you just aee how it goes. Once a second date is planned, you might feel a need to continue being as "fun all around" as it was the first time. Somehow knowing a man is interested makes you feel pressured or obligated in some way to be even better than you are. Men you arent interested in like you because you dont feel that pressure with them cuz you dont like them, so any flaws, errors or silly things that might happen dont make you anxious, cuz at the end of the day its not a loss...you didnt like him anyway. I wish I had better advice but I myself dont even know how to change that kind of thinking. If you like someone you feel like you need to impress them more and more. I wish men knew that about women. Its also why they complain about always being "friendzoned". When a girl is very much herself with you, it might be because she doesnt care if she accidentally turns you off, but men find those flaws nice cuz it makes a woman seem more human. Ohhh romance. What a complicated thing. Edited March 27, 2015 by Hopeful30 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LLostInLove Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 That makes me feel alot better. Thanks for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
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