Dawson.E Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) So there's this girl.. I've known her since I was 15, people call her 'difficult', I call her one of my very best friends! Started dating when I was 18, she was 17, dated for just over 3yrs which takes us up to a week ago. I love her, I know we're young, but I love her. And however maybe dating-the-ice-queen jokes mates want to throw at me, I've always believed she loved me too. She can be quiet hard to the world but I see a softer side, a side that cracks me up with bugs bunny impression and looks after me (kinda) when I'm sick. Whenever I need her shes there. Shes never let me down. Anyway, I got offered this career opportunity out of the blue, doesn't happen much to school sports coaches, I'd be overseas for 2-4 years. Its an amazing opportunity but i'm not a man with grand plans (sorry if that's wrong in this day and age, but its the truth) all I've ever really wanted since I was about 14 was to settle down with a family. I wouldn't of gone. Only there we were having a great day, messing around, when I told her about it and she was so damn indifferent that I suddenly questioned everything. It was like a: your head over heels planning a lifetime with a girl who doesn't give a damn if your even in her life next week, moment! I know her, we have a lot of banter and people probably think she wears the trousers but I didn't care what people thought, cause I knew better. And then suddenly im not so sure, like am I kidding myself? Am I just seeing what I wanted to see? Is she honestly that hard? So I put it to her, what do you want me to do, and I was ready to walk.......which is how I ended up single and about to pack up my life and move abroad We had a chat on the phone a couple of days ago where I told her I was leaving and she told me she loved me, but then she went straight back into not saying much at all while I'm sat there.. heartbroken. So then she sends me this email this morning, I'll paste some of it below: You know me better than anyone, you know what a complete moody bitch I can be, you love me anyway, I'm not always sure why! I always say that I don't pour my heart out because I just don't see why its necessary, but that's not strictly true, I do see why its necessary I just find it hard to give anyone that satisfaction in thinking I need them, Its makes you vulnerable and I feel like vulnerability gets you hurt and if you've mastered indifference why would you retrogress to being vulnerable. Only I haven't mastered indifference. When you sat there telling me how great I was, how much the relationship meant to you, the future you wanted, you have no idea how much I wanted to say to you, I had all these things I love about you in my head, I wanted to say it to you but even after all this time I couldn't let you hear it, and all I could settle on was a, pretty pathetic, whispered "I really love you too", and I heard how surprised you were and part of me caught attitude, the emotion you know I don't have a problem with, because of course I love you Sonny, how could you not know that, I know I don't say it, but everything I do it's for us! But most of all I realised just how ***ked up I was cause most of all when I heard your reaction I felt.. proud, like "good one Mad - you didn't blow cover"! That's twisted. I like to tell myself that i'm too cool to feel but i'm not. I like to hold all the card and all the control, i think that if someone doesn't like me, then they wouldn't of liked me whatever so its a good job I kept my guard up but i'm starting to wonder if its chicken & egg. I love you Sonny, I've always loved you, your one of the only people on the planet I can show that soft side to and maybe I just don't show it enough but I don't want you to go, I don't want us to end here. I almost deleted this whole email 3 times before I worked up the balls to even finish typing it but, my prides worth the world to me, but it's not worth you not hearing this before you leave.. you're my hero Son, I think its amazing that you can be so self-actualized and courageous to the point where you can be exactly who you are, heart unabashed on your sleeve, love-me-or-leave-me, and I've spent way to long telling you its foolhardy or devil-may-care when truth is I think its great - so here I am.. laying out there.. hitting send.. x I don't know what to do. I love her. Other girls have come along but its always been her. All I've ever really wanted was to make a life together. But I feel like I've lost my reference point, if she loved me, I'd stay, that's what I want. But I'm left with this nagging does she love me or does she just not want me to leave? Edited March 22, 2015 by Dawson.E
Ms_Alice Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Oh, dear... Well, ask yourself what really, really matters to you. Do you want to take this chance at work and see what life out there has to offer to you, or do you want to stay and give her a chance? What thing will you look back and not regret pursuing if it doesn't work out? Was she good to you? Was she there for you? Does she actes like she loves you? If yes, then maybe she's learning, she's still young... If not, then you can consider the possibility of her wanting you to stay to be vainity. Maybe there's a way to make both work out. I think you need to talk to her and feel what she has to say. Love isn't mathematical, and, sometimes, we just have to follow our gut. Good luck, mate. 1
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 So there's this girl.. I've known her since I was 15, people call her 'difficult', I call her one of my very best friends! Started dating when I was 18, she was 17, dated for just over 3yrs which takes us up to a week ago. I love her, I know we're young, but I love her. And however maybe dating-the-ice-queen jokes mates want to throw at me, I've always believed she loved me too. She can be quiet hard to the world but I see a softer side, a side that cracks me up with bugs bunny impression and looks after me (kinda) when I'm sick. Whenever I need her shes there. Shes never let me down. Anyway, I got offered this career opportunity out of the blue, doesn't happen much to school sports coaches, I'd be overseas for 2-4 years. Its an amazing opportunity but i'm not a man with grand plans (sorry if that's wrong in this day and age, but its the truth) all I've ever really wanted since I was about 14 was to settle down with a family. I wouldn't of gone. Only there we were having a great day, messing around, when I told her about it and she was so damn indifferent that I suddenly questioned everything. It was like a: your head over heels planning a lifetime with a girl who doesn't give a damn if your even in her life next week, moment! I know her, we have a lot of banter and people probably think she wears the trousers but I didn't care what people thought, cause I knew better. And then suddenly im not so sure, like am I kidding myself? Am I just seeing what I wanted to see? Is she honestly that hard? So I put it to her, what do you want me to do, and I was ready to walk.......which is how I ended up single and about to pack up my life and move abroad We had a chat on the phone a couple of days ago where I told her I was leaving and she told me she loved me, but then she went straight back into not saying much at all while I'm sat there.. heartbroken. So then she sends me this email this morning, I'll paste some of it below: I don't know what to do. I love her. Other girls have come along but its always been her. All I've ever really wanted was to make a life together. But I feel like I've lost my reference point, if she loved me, I'd stay, that's what I want. But I'm left with this nagging does she love me or does she just not want me to leave? Okay, I'm in tears now after reading that.......and are you nuts? YES she loves you and NO she does not want you to go! After what you have told us about her, which SHE has even acknowledged herself, do you realize how difficult it must have been for her to send that to you? She completely opened up to you...isn't that what you have been wanting? But now what...you don't believe her? 5
Author Dawson.E Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Oh, dear... Well, ask yourself what really, really matters to you. Do you want to take this chance at work and see what life out there has to offer to you, or do you want to stay and give her a chance? What thing will you look back and not regret pursuing if it doesn't work out? Was she good to you? Was she there for you? Does she actes like she loves you? If yes, then maybe she's learning, she's still young... If not, then you can consider the possibility of her wanting you to stay to be vainity. Maybe there's a way to make both work out. I think you need to talk to her and feel what she has to say. Love isn't mathematical, and, sometimes, we just have to follow our gut. Good luck, mate. She matters to me, I never cared about the job! I just I had to accept because I couldn't stay and not be with her! It was just ive always been so sure she loved me and then it was called into question and I was like did she ever fall for me or did she just think why not Sonny, saves me the hassle of dating around. Maybe I'm just being stupid! Like you say she's always been good to me. In her own way, she takes the mick out of me constantly, can she always says I love you whispered, other people don't always get that but I love her for all that not inspite of it! She is always there when I need her, always! I've always been super happy with our relationship - she's the one, she's the one I'd want by my hospital bed, she's the one I'd want on a dessert island. I guess it's just ive never felt insecure in our relationship and I'm feeling it now and it's weird! Okay, I'm in tears now after reading that.......and are you nuts? YES she loves you and NO she does not want you to go! After what you have told us about her, which SHE has even acknowledged herself, do you realize how difficult it must have been for her to send that to you? She completely opened up to you...isn't that what you have been wanting? But now what...you don't believe her? Yeah I understand what it took for her to send that! I'm over the moon with a "love you", I'm blown away she said it! And yeah its totally what I've been wanting, more than, its not that I don't believe her..... It's just want her to love me because she loves me, not because I've always been there. I mean I'm probably just being an idiot who needs his head checking, I should probably be at home with her now rather than sitting here miserable. I've just always been so certain that whatever she says, whatever other people say, she loved me. And then suddenly I wasn't. It freaked me out! Like I say though, I don't want to leave her, not for a second.
todreaminblue Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 she put her heart out there and she sent and said things she has never said before to you......she loves you....i dont know if you should vetoe your job chance...if she loves you as much as she says she does ....she would probably wait for you.....but would you be happy without her around for those years and having a long distance relationship.....deb 1
Shepp Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 She completely opened up to you...isn't that what you have been wanting? I kinda feel for the girl If I'm honest - what did you want her to say? I get everyone wants to feel wanted but you knew how she was when you signed up for you and her.. Either way: If she's not genuine - then you've lost a job you never wanted If she's genuine - then that's a girl who seriously loves you!! 1
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 For whatever reason, she has built her defenses way up high to keep from being hurt. Maybe from childhood, I don't know. But that letter of hers, if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that it took everything she had to spill her guts like that and that she loves you. She probably loves you too much to stop you from having this experience. She loves you and there's no ambiguity there. It's just hard for her to be vulnerable and emotional all the time, that's all. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to go with you or get married or stay there with her. It's been three years. Maybe it's time to marry her and take her with you or discuss long-term plans and then decide what you want worse, this job or her. She loves you. 5
GemmaUK Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Whoa! She loves you - no question! Its time to decide what you really want. I'm curious, did she know this offer was coming up or what it might mean before you told her you had had the offer? 1
Author Dawson.E Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thanks guys! she put her heart out there and she sent and said things she has never said before to you......she loves you....i dont know if you should vetoe your job chance...if she loves you as much as she says she does ....she would probably wait for you.....but would you be happy without her around for those years and having a long distance relationship.....deb I don't care about the job, its a great opportunity, but it was never my dream! I never wanted to go, I just needed to know the after all these years if I did - she'd care. Maybe its stupid that I needed to hear it cause she always treats me well, and we've spent a long long time together and usually I don't care, I don't need the words. But I dunno, I guess just sometimes you do y'know? Or at least I did! I kinda feel for the girl If I'm honest - what did you want her to say? I get everyone wants to feel wanted but you knew how she was when you signed up for you and her.. Either way: If she's not genuine - then you've lost a job you never wanted If she's genuine - then that's a girl who seriously loves you!! Id of been happy with less than what she said!! I'd of been happy with "I'd miss you sonny". I totally respect and appreciate what she's said even if I do wish she didn't let me walk out and start packing up my life before she said it. I don't want to play games cause we've never done that and I don't want to start now. For whatever reason, she has built her defenses way up high to keep from being hurt. Maybe from childhood, I don't know. But that letter of hers, if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that it took everything she had to spill her guts like that and that she loves you. She probably loves you too much to stop you from having this experience. She loves you and there's no ambiguity there. It's just hard for her to be vulnerable and emotional all the time, that's all. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to go with you or get married or stay there with her. It's been three years. Maybe it's time to marry her and take her with you or discuss long-term plans and then decide what you want worse, this job or her. She loves you. Ah I know, she's got a great family I love them to pieces but I know she's got these super high walls! We're close as anything me and her, shes not just my gf, she is honestly my best friend. I know her so well and I didn't think she could ever surprise me but that message did! I didn't ever think she'd say all that! Its her. Easy. It's always been her. I feel like its all a little weird now cause she obviously feels weird about having said all that or whatever (and is somewhat p*ssed at me), and I feel weird about having been so close to going. But all ive ever really wanted was her, 4 kids, a couple of dogs and a house by the sea. It might sound like small dreams to some people but its my dream.. So if we're on the same page maybe it is time to buy a ring. Whoa! She loves you - no question! Its time to decide what you really want. I'm curious, did she know this offer was coming up or what it might mean before you told her you had had the offer? I've always known what I wanted. I just guess I needed reassurance its what she wants too. Genuinely wants not just "Hey, he's alright I guess, and he doesn't irritate me, so he'll do". Nope, but neither did I. It was just one of those random certain place and a certain time things. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 She loves you man, I wouldn't question that letter. 2
Author Dawson.E Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thanks!! I am feeling better about it now I guess! Just been a rough few days! I'm not used to our relationship being shaky in anyway!
deathandtaxes Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Here's my take - take the job. You'll always regret the things you never did, not the things you actually did. If she really loves you this much, you two will survive. It will take work.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Here's my take - take the job. You'll always regret the things you never did, not the things you actually did. If she really loves you this much, you two will survive. It will take work. I disagree. If its not what he truly wants (and he's said so), he should not go. Especially since his girlfriend has expressed her love for him so bravely. If it was something he actually wanted, then I'd say it would be more appropriate to go. 2
Author Dawson.E Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 I disagree. If its not what he truly wants (and he's said so), he should not go. Especially since his girlfriend has expressed her love for him so bravely. If it was something he actually wanted, then I'd say it would be more appropriate to go. This is it.. if it was like my brother or something I was talking too I'd tell him to go! And I know society says everyone "should" want to travel, and see the world, and take awesome opportunities............but its just not me! I never wanted the job, I've never wanted to live abroad, and this Welsh skin doesn't serve me too well in the sun! I like my job. I'm a home boy even if its gone out of fashion! I'm a simple bloke, you know? I was just going cause it'd of been too hard to stay without her. But I'm sure there's a guy out there who will make more of the opportunity than I would! I think for me, if theres a chance I can have what I really want, then going away is just delaying that at best.
salparadise Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) For whatever reason, she has built her defenses way up high to keep from being hurt. Maybe from childhood, I don't know. But that letter of hers, if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that it took everything she had to spill her guts like that and that she loves you. Exactly, she has built her defenses twenty feet high and four feet thick. She says so herself... it's good that she realizes it, but she needs to change. It's hard to give your everything to someone who is too afraid to be vulnerability, too proud, too masked, to let their feelings flow and give themselves back to you. This will be a tough relationship to maintain over a lifetime unless she gets some help. If I were you, and assuming you want to stay as you said you did, do it on the condition that she let go of those defenses so that you can experience the joy of being loved too. You can't just give and give till there's nothing left without ever feeling appreciated. You'll eventually be all used up, and all you'll have to show for it is being able to say I did my best, I gave her my life, but she was too afraid to give herself to me, and I'm spent. How do I know this... I was married for 23 years to someone who could've written these exact words... except she wasn't aware enough to write it out. Then I dated someone else for almost a year, same issues, but she was aware and either couldn't or wouldn't lower the defenses. It's a touching letter for sure. Tell her this is what you need from her every day–– not just as a last message before you leave forever. Therapy. You know me better than anyone, you know what a complete moody bitch I can be, you love me anyway, I'm not always sure why! I always say that I don't pour my heart out because I just don't see why its necessary, but that's not strictly true, I do see why its necessary I just find it hard to give anyone that satisfaction in thinking I need them, Its makes you vulnerable and I feel like vulnerability gets you hurt and if you've mastered indifference why would you retrogress to being vulnerable. Only I haven't mastered indifference. When you sat there telling me how great I was, how much the relationship meant to you, the future you wanted, you have no idea how much I wanted to say to you, I had all these things I love about you in my head, I wanted to say it to you but even after all this time I couldn't let you hear it, and all I could settle on was a, pretty pathetic, whispered "I really love you too", and I heard how surprised you were and part of me caught attitude, the emotion you know I don't have a problem with, because of course I love you Sonny, how could you not know that, I know I don't say it, but everything I do it's for us! But most of all I realised just how ***ked up I was cause most of all when I heard your reaction I felt.. proud, like "good one Mad - you didn't blow cover"! That's twisted. I like to tell myself that i'm too cool to feel but i'm not. I like to hold all the card and all the control, i think that if someone doesn't like me, then they wouldn't of liked me whatever so its a good job I kept my guard up but i'm starting to wonder if its chicken & egg. I love you Sonny, I've always loved you, your one of the only people on the planet I can show that soft side to and maybe I just don't show it enough but I don't want you to go, I don't want us to end here. I almost deleted this whole email 3 times before I worked up the balls to even finish typing it but, my prides worth the world to me, but it's not worth you not hearing this before you leave.. you're my hero Son, I think its amazing that you can be so self-actualized and courageous to the point where you can be exactly who you are, heart unabashed on your sleeve, love-me-or-leave-me, and I've spent way to long telling you its foolhardy or devil-may-care when truth is I think its great - so here I am.. laying out there.. hitting send.. x Edited March 24, 2015 by salparadise 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) This is it.. if it was like my brother or something I was talking too I'd tell him to go! And I know society says everyone "should" want to travel, and see the world, and take awesome opportunities............but its just not me! I never wanted the job, I've never wanted to live abroad, and this Welsh skin doesn't serve me too well in the sun! I like my job. I'm a home boy even if its gone out of fashion! I'm a simple bloke, you know? I was just going cause it'd of been too hard to stay without her. But I'm sure there's a guy out there who will make more of the opportunity than I would! I think for me, if theres a chance I can have what I really want, then going away is just delaying that at best. Well I think you know what you need to do next Talk to your girlfriend and let us know how it goes. It's rare for someone to open up like that, especially someone who is very guarded with their feelings. There is no doubt in my mind that she really loves you. Exactly, she has built her defenses twenty feet high and four feet thick. She says so herself... it's good that she realizes it, but she needs to change. It's hard to give your everything to someone who is too afraid to be vulnerability, too proud, too masked, to let their feelings flow and give themselves back to you. This will be a tough relationship to maintain over a lifetime unless she gets some help. If I were you, and assuming you want to stay as you said you did, do it on the condition that she let go of those defenses so that you can experience the joy of being loved too. You can't just give and give till there's nothing left without ever feeling appreciated. You'll eventually be all used up, and all you'll have to show for it is being able to say I did my best, I gave her my life, but she was too afraid to give herself to me, and I'm spent. How do I know this... I was married for 23 years to someone who could've written these exact words... except she wasn't aware enough to write it out. Then I dated someone else for almost a year, same issues, but she was aware and either couldn't or wouldn't lower the defenses. It's a touching letter for sure. Tell her this is what you need from her every day–– not just as a last message before you leave forever. Therapy. Being married for 23 years isn't a failure, not all loves last a lifetime (unfortunately). I bet you had good times too right? Edited March 24, 2015 by barcode88 1
salparadise Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) Being married for 23 years isn't a failure, not all loves last a lifetime (unfortunately). I bet you had good times too right? No, not an failure. We had some good times and I am blessed with a wonderful daughter. But there a sense that I missed out. I spent far too long believing things would change and that I'd eventually be appreciated. It was like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. What I could give was never enough. If you're expected to fill their void, and if you agree,you'll run out of steam. Relationships need to be reciprocal. Edited March 24, 2015 by salparadise
Rko28 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Nice to see a fellow Welsh man on the forum I think you're over con,I ating the situation here, so here's one simple question: Which one could you happily live without? The girl? Or the job? By the sounds of it, it's the job. If I was lucky enough to be with someone who cared for me like it sounds she's does and you care back the there's only one winner. STAY. Opportunities for travelling will be with you for the rest of your life. The opportunity to be with her might not be. Let us know how you get on. Pob Lwc i ti 1
Author Dawson.E Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Exactly, she has built her defenses twenty feet high and four feet thick. She says so herself... it's good that she realizes it, but she needs to change. It's hard to give your everything to someone who is too afraid to be vulnerability, too proud, too masked, to let their feelings flow and give themselves back to you. This will be a tough relationship to maintain over a lifetime unless she gets some help. If I were you, and assuming you want to stay as you said you did, do it on the condition that she let go of those defenses so that you can experience the joy of being loved too. You can't just give and give till there's nothing left without ever feeling appreciated. You'll eventually be all used up, and all you'll have to show for it is being able to say I did my best, I gave her my life, but she was too afraid to give herself to me, and I'm spent. How do I know this... I was married for 23 years to someone who could've written these exact words... except she wasn't aware enough to write it out. Then I dated someone else for almost a year, same issues, but she was aware and either couldn't or wouldn't lower the defenses. It's a touching letter for sure. Tell her this is what you need from her every day–– not just as a last message before you leave forever. Therapy. Yeah that does make sense. Its difficult cause like I don't expect her to change, she is who she is. I don't need a lot, I don't even need the whole of that letter, I don't need her to tell the world how she feels, I just need to know when its just the two of us that she cares as much as I do. She'd tell you that she 'shows' it, and she's right, most of the time I don't need the words, she's always got my back, always there to cheer me up, goes out of her way for me, everything I need in a girlfriend. But I guess just occasionally I do need to hear it. I'm human right! She's bulk at the thought of therapy though, considers stuff like that mumbo jumbo. And its not like she's had a traumatic past etc You'll eventually be all used up, and all you'll have to show for it is being able to say I did my best, I gave her my life, but she was too afraid to give herself to me, and I'm spent. That's brutal...
Hopeful30 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Interestingly not ONCE did she mention "please stay" or "dont leave" in her email. I personally think shes just pouring her heart out to make this easier on herself, because the entire email is "me me me". You know ME like no one else. You accept ME despite the bitchiness. Shes just having a hard time letting go of that, not of you. Sorry buddy, but take that opportunity. Trust me. 1
Author Dawson.E Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Well I think you know what you need to do next Talk to your girlfriend and let us know how it goes. It's rare for someone to open up like that, especially someone who is very guarded with their feelings. There is no doubt in my mind that she really loves you. It is rare, particularly for her! I know she gives off this hard exterior but I also know when she loves someone she loves hard, I see that with how she is with her family, theres nothing she wouldn't do for them and I've always felt that we had that same love. She'd have my back whatever. This whole deal called that into doubt for me, but I hope we're solid again now.
Author Dawson.E Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Nice to see a fellow Welsh man on the forum Bore da! I think you're over con,I ating the situation here, so here's one simple question: Which one could you happily live without? The girl? Or the job? By the sounds of it, it's the job. If I was lucky enough to be with someone who cared for me like it sounds she's does and you care back the there's only one winner. STAY. Opportunities for travelling will be with you for the rest of your life. The opportunity to be with her might not be. Let us know how you get on. Pob Lwc i ti Ah, Its her I want, it's always been her! I agree with salparadise, that you can't be the only one putting anything into something. I did need to know that she.. wanted me too. Seriously wanted me too. And I think like what a lot of people have said is right, I cant ask for something and then call it into question when she gives it to me. I can't forget as well that from her the words mean a million times more than from someone who.. doesn't finish every "I love you" with "you prat"
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