Multiple Dating (multi-dating, circular dating)

[Gary S]

Let's talk about multiple dating (sometimes called multi-dating, circular dating).

 

I wonder if multi-dating might be obsolete now... with internet dating, if you have any skill, you can put up an online profile and start getting dates within a week? Especially if you are attractive?

 

Counselors have been recommending multi-dating for years, I assume for people who might have had trouble making good judgement about dating and relationships in the past. They usually recommend dating up to 3 people at a time.

 

One thing it does is soften the blow if one of the people you are dating drops you - you still have another prospect to fall back on, to think about, so it might not hurt as much.

 

I've done it once, but it costs more (I like to go to dinner, may as well get a meal in for my time, I have to eat three a day.. plus I think it's more romantic and I love meeting new people), and takes up more of your time. It might not cost much for a lady because guys often pay (the man should offer!)

 

Having more than 1-2 dates a week, for me with different people, gets to be too much work and scheduling. I once dated 4 different women in one week to see how much I could do, but it was tiresome. But I suppose if you are younger, you could date more. What do you think?

[somecamel]

I don't think multi-dating is obsolete. If anything with the dawn of Internet dating it's much easier to multi date.

 

I had a spell of Multi-dating a few months back and although it was a massive ego boost, it took up a lot of time.

 

I think that there is a distinct difference between the sexes when it comes to multi-dating and this has been of my own experiences.

 

Men don't seem to have an issue with it where as women tend to.

 

Let me explain.

 

I've always been super honest to the point of saying too much and I was always clear with the girls I was dating that they weren't the only one.

 

This caused as expected some issues when some of the dates turned into the 3rd,4th,5th date etc.

 

The cries of exclusivity kept on popping up and questions were asked that I felt I wasn't in the right place to answer.

 

I've already had 2 mini breakups if you can call it that with one of the girls, and this might sound heartless but I was cool to just walk away but she kept on tugging.

 

I think if you're 'male' and you want to multi-date, you're put under some pressure to make your choice early on as the woman becomes more attached to you.

 

I've actually deleted all my OLD sites now, I need some time to reflect on the experiences of the last few months and maybe decide what I want.

[Buck Turgidson]

Back in the good old days, what you're calling "multi-dating" would have been called "dating." Dating is how you get to know someone in a romantic context. When you get to know someone well enough that you want to be exclusive, that would have been called "going steady." Remember all those movies where people are dating and she hopes he gives her his class ring? That's the difference between dating and steady.

 

Now it seems the expectation is that you're going steady from the very first date and the distinction is lost. Which I personally find ludicrous. How do you know you want someone enough to stop dating other people before you've even met them?

[idoltree]

Let's talk about multiple dating (sometimes called multi-dating, circular dating).

 

I wonder if multi-dating might be obsolete now... with internet dating, if you have any skill, you can put up an online profile and start getting dates within a week? Especially if you are attractive?

 

Counselors have been recommending multi-dating for years, I assume for people who might have had trouble making good judgement about dating and relationships in the past. They usually recommend dating up to 3 people at a time.

 

One thing it does is soften the blow if one of the people you are dating drops you - you still have another prospect to fall back on, to think about, so it might not hurt as much.

 

I've done it once, but it costs more (I like to go to dinner, may as well get a meal in for my time, I have to eat three a day.. plus I think it's more romantic and I love meeting new people), and takes up more of your time. It might not cost much for a lady because guys often pay (the man should offer!)

 

Having more than 1-2 dates a week, for me with different people, gets to be too much work and scheduling. I once dated 4 different women in one week to see how much I could do, but it was tiresome. But I suppose if you are younger, you could date more. What do you think?

 

What's your question about it? Whether people do it? This is a divisive topic on here when other posters (usually older males) assume that there is sex involved in multi-dating, and it's some salacious thing.

 

I multi-date because I'm casting a wide net and trying to find someone who is right for me. I look at dating as fun and an opportunity to get to know someone. I don't count initial meeting as some sort of obligation to one another, moreso a "are we romantically interested in one another."

 

I do it because, well, I have to. I'm older and don't meet many single people out and about, nor do I have single friends to go out at nighttime and meet new people. So my main meeting place is an online dating site. At any time I'm talking to a few different guys. As those conversations progress, I get asked out, and I'm not willing to awkwardly put someone on pause so that I can stick with one person when it may not result in a connection.

 

I will have two dates this upcoming weekend with different guys. (I'm a little nervous because I'm unclear whether one has asked me to dinner on our first date. That's a little heavy, given we don't even know if we're attracted to one another.)

 

I'll usually know after one date if I feel potential with a guy, so I'll multi-date when meeting them. There have been times when I've been multi-dating when on second or third dates with some, but usually I'll be able to make a decision by then - either pursue something with the person I'm further along with or decide we don't have that connection or the proper conditions for it to turn into a relationship.

 

I don't advertise that I'm dating more than one person, but would be honest if asked.

 

I'm being efficient and meeting men at a natural point in getting to know one another. I would hate to lose a good guy because he asks me out and I say "Well, I'm sorry, but I already have a date with someone else this week". Why let one go when I'm not attached to anyone else, and not sleeping with anyone else? Why not meet as many guys where I think there could be mutual interest? I'm looking for the guy who is right for me, and this is a way to find him.

[Gaeta]

I multi date up to 3 dates, more than that I feel it's misleading. After 3 dates people usually start kissing and inviting each other on home dates and I don't want to do that with different men. My home isn't a windmill for men to come in and out.

 

I don't accept dates to restaurant.

 

A. if I go on 2-3 restaurants dates a week I will get fat

 

B. I find a restaurant date to be restrictive, I don't like being sitting there with a table between us. It restricts our movement, I can't see the gentlemen move and see his personality. I much prefer a date in a park, a festival, concert, any outside activities.

 

C. I don't want men to be spending big bucks on dinner with me when 80% of chances he won't see me again. Most online meeting don't make it to 2nd or 3rd date. I think restaurant dates should be for 5th or 6th date when the relationship has taken off the ground.

[katiegrl]

Gary, when you say "multi-dating" do you mean juggling 2-3 (or more) different women simultaneously for weeks/months at a time?

 

If so are you having sex with all of them? Or at least kissing, heavy make out sessions with all of them?

 

And for the ladies who multi-date, same question. How does that work? Even if the men aren't pushing for actual sex, don't they, at the very least, want to kiss you, touch you?

 

I could never do it. I have always been, and always will be, a "one at a time" girl. It's always worked out well for me.

 

But during my brief stints in between my LTRs, I would go on dates with different guys and every guy would want to kiss me, touch me, have sex with me. I could never spread my affections out like that.

 

So ladies and gents, if you are dating two or more guys/girls simultaneously, is that happening with all if them? Kissing, touching, sex?

 

If not, how do you avoid it? That question is probably more for the ladies, as has been discussed on this forum before, and no disrespect, most men could have sex with any woman, anytime, anywhere, without having any feelings for her at all...so if SHE wanted sex, cool!

 

I have always been so curious about that aspect (the physical aspect) of multi-dating...especially for women.

 

As I said, I could never do it.

Edited March 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[BluEyeL]

Yes, I've done this, for the dates 1-3, but with time, I did it less and less just because going out on dates so much simply took too much time and energy. Towards the end of my last dating stint, which lasted 1.5 years, I was only dating one person at a time and I although I wasn't taking my profile down, I didn't log in much and didn't do the tricks that would make me visible, to make sure I am not getting other invitations, until I knew what was up with the current one. Going out more than once a week with new people became too tiresome.

 

I see the value of multidating, but more for people who have trouble moving on and also it may be more effective time-wise (how long it takes to find a LTR). But not everybody can afford it ,time-wise, energy-wise and for men money-wise.

[Gaeta]

And for the ladies who multi-date, same question. How does that work? Even if the men aren't pushing for actual sex, don't they, at the very least, want to kiss you, touch you?.

 

I will accept a good night kiss. No make-out, no sex. Sometimes kissing a man will make a difference in me wanting to pursue with him or not.

 

I could never do it. I have always been, and always will be, a "one at a time" girl. It's always worked out well for me.

This 'one at a time' is not much different. If you go on a date with a man, kiss him good night, then later that evening you decide he's not for you, you go back online and set a date with a different man for 2 days later. Like me you will have kissed 2 men in a week.

 

But during my brief stints in between my LTRs, I would go on dates with different guys and every guy would want to kiss me, touch me, have sex with me. I could never spread my affections out like that.

I don't care what men want, it's what I want that rules our dating.

 

If not, how do you avoid it?

There is no 'avoiding it'. I speak up on what are my expectations. I expect to be treated like a lady. If he's not into it he can move on to next.

 

That question is probably more for the ladies, as has been discussed on this forum before, and no disrespect, most men could have sex with any woman, anytime, anywhere, without having any feelings for her at all...so if SHE wanted sex, cool!

I am a woman and I can have sex anytime with anyone I feel like but I know it's not the way I will find myself a life partner so if a man is relationship material to me I am not gonna jump into bed with him on 1st-2nd-3rd date.

 

Some women get caught in the moment but not me, I am too old for being blinded by a man that throws a couple of compliments at me to get me to bed.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for your post Gaeta!

 

Re your response to my "one at a time" comment .......oh I agree! I was speaking to the ladies (and gents) who simultaneously juggle two, three or more guys/girls for weeks or months at a time.

 

And I also agree about not caring if a man wants sex, kissing, touching, that it's what *I* want that rules. I was only asking cause in my experiences, many men can get pushy about it, making the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable, especially if I have been out with him a few times.

 

That's why I could never do it (again talking about juggling 2 or more guys for weeks at a time).

 

I like how you explained it though....thanks again!

[mysteryscape]

Back in the good old days, what you're calling "multi-dating" would have been called "dating." Dating is how you get to know someone in a romantic context. When you get to know someone well enough that you want to be exclusive, that would have been called "going steady." Remember all those movies where people are dating and she hopes he gives her his class ring? That's the difference between dating and steady.

 

Now it seems the expectation is that you're going steady from the very first date and the distinction is lost. Which I personally find ludicrous. How do you know you want someone enough to stop dating other people before you've even met them?

 

Back in "good old days" it was different because there was much, much less sex and there was an expectation of much less physical contact. Even a kiss was considered serious.

[rester]

I'm confused. Wouldn't the internet make it easier to date more than one person at a time? Why would multi-dating be obsolete because of the internet?

 

I've never actively dated more than one person at the same time and I don't think I'd like it. I don't have anything against anyone that does it though. When I dated in the past it was always women I would meet in person and I would always focus on one at a time. My dates may have been few and far between but it never bothered me.

 

Why would counselors recommend dating more than one person at the same time?

 

 

Maybe we need to clarify what the word "dating" means to people. For me, I'd consider myself dating someone after maybe the second date or after we got physical (whichever came first), and both were looking to see each other again. I wouldn't consider myself "dating" someone I'd only been out with once or twice and hadn't gotten physical with yet. That'd just be getting to know someone. Maybe if we make it to the third date we are "dating"?

Edited March 10, 2015 by rester

[BlueIris]

Yes, it was recommended to me after I’d invested in people emotionally as a display of loyalty before really having enough reliable information to determine whether someone was a good match and someone I ought to be investing in or being loyal to.

 

It was logical to me since I grew up in the era of boys asking girls out and dating until you “went steady” which was a process of ask and answer, after which you didn’t date anyone else- class rings, ID bracelets and all of that. It was clear and easier. I don't like the ambiguity of modern dating. I think it fuels anxiety and reactivity.

[preraph]

"Dating around" or "playing the field," which is what we called it before internet and before, well, the seventies, which was called "sleeping around and nobody cared if you did," is generally what young people in, say, high school and not having sex should be encouraged to do. It was all about not getting too serious but getting used to the opposite sex.

 

Internet dating has actually brought back "dating around" to a certain extent because every date is nearly like a blind date, so it only makes sense to not suspend everything until you've had at least a date or two with someone you barely know anything about.

 

But dating around and sleeping around always run into emotional waters. There are always people who think it shouldn't be too much to ask to focus on one person at a time, just long enough to see if you want to keep going out. Not like a commitment, but just like zoom in without distractions, see if it's working, and bail if it's not. I'm more or less in that school. But life gets messy and it certainly doesn't always work out that way and someone's feelings get hurt or someone gets pegged as a douche.

 

The most important thing is to state your mission on that first date. Tell the other person either, "I admit I've got a few online interests to explore -- seems like when it rains it pours" or "I like to kind of explore one person at a time." It's okay to do it on the first date as long as you carefully avoid the words "commitment" or "exclusivity." Just state that that's how you roll. Then the other person can decide how they want to roll and whether or not they want to have sex while you are seeing others.

[katiegrl]

I'm confused. Wouldn't the internet make it easier to date more than one person at a time? Why would multi-dating be obsolete because of the internet?

 

I've never actively dated more than one person at the same time and I don't think I'd like it. I don't have anything against anyone that does it though. When I dated in the past it was always women I would meet in person and I would always focus on one at a time. My dates may have been few and far between but it never bothered me.

 

Why would counselors recommend dating more than one person at the same time?

 

 

Maybe we need to clarify what the word "dating" means to people. For me, I'd consider myself dating someone after maybe the second date or after we got physical (whichever came first), and both were looking to see each other again. I wouldn't consider myself "dating" someone I'd only been out with once or twice and hadn't gotten physical with yet. That'd just be getting to know someone. Maybe if we make it to the third date we are "dating"?

 

^^This is true for me as well... And yeah, I wonder too why counselors would recommend juggling..ahem..dating...different people simultaneously.

 

How would he/she expect to get any clarity on how they feel about any one of them...if juggling 2 or 3 at the same time?

 

But maybe that's the point. NOT to develop feelings .... but to keep things carefree, light, open and casual so as to NOT get emotionally involved with anyone!

[Gary S]

What's your question about it?

 

 

I want to hear general comments about circular dating.... I know some people do it, it's been around long before the Internet. I also want to know if it's necessary or popular... online dating has risen to become one of the top ways to meet, I wonder if circular dating is necessary when I can throw up a profile on a dating site and get a date within 3-7 days. Plus, I don't want more than 6 casual dates a month unless it's with one person heading into a relationship.

 

 

 

I don't advertise that I'm dating more than one person, but would be honest if asked.

 

- That's the correct approach.

 

 

 

Gary, when you say "multi-dating" do you mean juggling 2-3 (or more) different women simultaneously for weeks/months at a time?

 

- yes that's what I mean... juggling is another good term for it, there are so many, I forgot about that one.

 

I Personally don't feel the need to circular date. As a man, the main reasons I would curricular date would be efficiency and to soften rejection.... Since I can put up a profile and start talking to new prospects within 24 hours, online dating makes circular dating passe for me.

 

But I want to hear other people's opinions, I think it's interesting. I can already see it might be more beneficial to women, based on what idoltree said:

 

 

 

 

I'm being efficient and meeting men at a natural point in getting to know one another. I would hate to lose a good guy because he asks me out and I say "Well, I'm sorry, but I already have a date with someone else this week". Why let one go when I'm not attached to anyone else, and not sleeping with anyone else? Why not meet as many guys where I think there could be mutual interest? I'm looking for the guy who is right for me, and this is a way to find him.

 

 

- This makes perfect sense from the perspective of a woman.... if men are the main pursuers, you don't have much control on when they contact you, and sometimes it seems like they come in waves, many at a time. When it rains it pours. Circular dating is a good "program" to handle that efficiently. Thank you for helping me see it from a woman's perspective.

 

For what it's worth, I've personally only curricular dated a couple of times... once only for a couple days, another time for a couple weeks. I did not have makeout sessions or sex. I reserve that for a relationship. As an adult, I've never had a one-night-stand. If I liked a woman enough to have sex with her, I would want to have sex with her on-and-on... and I need a relationship. I'm looking for the big one - love. Women in love do it better.

 

Circular dating is not the only way to date, there is an alternative. Some people I like to call naturals, who don't seem to get into poor relationships and find good ones easily... they will typically not have more than 2 dates without it turning into a relationship. If you have good relationship skills, and everything goes just right with a person - when the right one comes along, you know. I still advocate circular dating as an option, but it's not the only way to find love.

 

And by the way... the guys who are pushing for sex are doing it wrong... let's just say they are not the best catches (they have poor intuition, and if you go into a relationship with them, things will probably get worse). I would advise women to drop these guys quick. When a woman falls in love with a man, he will know and there will be sex! All the guy has to do is go for the first kiss and bide his time. Too bad many men don't understand women. To bad so sad!

Edited March 10, 2015 by Gary S

[Ruby Slippers]

I never used to multi-date, but now I'm beginning to. So many people are flaky, dishonest, and aimless that at this stage of my life, it doesn't make sense for me to limit my attention to just one person unless he makes it clear he's interested and serious.

 

I'm transparent with everybody about my dating life. I have a first meet on Thursday and a second date to go dancing on Friday. If they ask about my plans for tomorrow, or what I did last night, I'll tell them the truth.

 

I won't even kiss anybody until he singles himself out as the best contender.

[mysteryscape]

Why would counselors recommend dating more than one person at the same time?

 

They might have different motives. Many of these people are associated with the online dating industry which thrives financially on people "multidating," constantly going online and looking for someone new, never settling down to one person.

[mysteryscape]

Yes, it was recommended to me after I’d invested in people emotionally as a display of loyalty before really having enough reliable information to determine whether someone was a good match and someone I ought to be investing in or being loyal to.

 

It was logical to me since I grew up in the era of boys asking girls out and dating until you “went steady” which was a process of ask and answer, after which you didn’t date anyone else- class rings, ID bracelets and all of that. It was clear and easier. I don't like the ambiguity of modern dating. I think it fuels anxiety and reactivity.

 

I'm kind of confused. Are you praising multidating or the opposite? When you grew up, are you saying it was more like multidating or less? What is the ambiguity of modern dating?

 

I think one big big difference is the loosening up of sexual standards. In the old days, "dating around" was mostly innocent until it got serious, at which point it was serious indeed -- the expectation was that it was headed toward marriage.

 

Now people can be sleeping with someone and say they're "not in a relationship" so it's OK to be looking for someone else -- even to sleep with -- and not surprisingly (to me) this kind of thing leads to all kinds of messes.

[mysteryscape]

I never used to multi-date, but now I'm beginning to. So many people are flaky, dishonest, and aimless that at this stage of my life, it doesn't make sense for me to limit my attention to just one person unless he makes it clear he's interested and serious.

 

I'm transparent with everybody about my dating life. I have a first meet on Thursday and a second date to go dancing on Friday. If they ask about my plans for tomorrow, or what I did last night, I'll tell them the truth.

 

I won't even kiss anybody until he singles himself out as the best contender.

 

Maybe at your age this is the best thing to do.

 

There are even books for women that recommend dating many men, even sleeping with someone while you're seeing others.

 

As it happens, I somewhat haphazardly fell into multidating, much against my better judgment.

 

Ended up seeing four women at once. Of which three had a sex partner. I sort of in an uncertain position. I made it clear to all three that I couldn't count on them and they couldn't count on me. Honesty all around. The question then is whether it's worth my time and what I am supposed to be getting out of it.

 

And of course, still looking for something better!

[BlueIris]

I'm kind of confused. Are you praising multidating or the opposite? When you grew up, are you saying it was more like multidating or less? What is the ambiguity of modern dating?

 

I think one big big difference is the loosening up of sexual standards. In the old days, "dating around" was mostly innocent until it got serious, at which point it was serious indeed -- the expectation was that it was headed toward marriage.

 

Now people can be sleeping with someone and say they're "not in a relationship" so it's OK to be looking for someone else -- even to sleep with -- and not surprisingly (to me) this kind of thing leads to all kinds of messes.

 

Yes, that’s what I mean and I agree on the loosening up on sexual standards. We went a very long time before having sex.

 

What I mean by ambiguity is what you describe- that people have sex early in dating and aren’t sure about the nature of their relationship. They don’t know each other well, don’t understand each other yet, and haven’t established comfortable interaction and communication. So they don’t feel close to each other and yet they’re sexual. What doesn’t happen now is direct clear establishment of a relationship before sex. Talking openly seems to have become scarier than having sex, which is just weird to an old gal like me, and unnecessarily difficult.

[Ruby Slippers]

Maybe at your age this is the best thing to do.

If I'd had the experience and knowledge that I have now, I would have been dating this way all along. Being with a man who's truly enamored with you and deeply loves you is so much better than being with a man who doesn't that there's just no comparison. And a man who is truly enamored will not be fazed by competition - it will only fire him up more to obliterate the competition and set the bond with you. Assuming, of course, that you're not getting physical with any of them. I would have zero interest in a dating prospect who was getting physical with other prospects. The only reason I settled for less in the past is that I doubted my ability to find better, due to my own unresolved emotional issues from a bad childhood. Now I see the exit from the woods, and I'm pretty confident I can find real love. For at least the foreseeable future, I won't bother with anything less.

[mysteryscape]

And a man who is truly enamored will not be fazed by competition - it will only fire him up more to obliterate the competition and set the bond with you.

 

Maybe. But I somehow doubt it will always work that way. It's hard for me to tae anyone too seriously that way, even while doing it. And, be assured that he will probably be getting fired up by others besides yourself.