No longer attracted to girlfriend

[introuble1818]

So I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 1/2 years now and have been thinking about marriage and other things in my future, but recently (for the first time ever), I've become attracted to another girl. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I've also found that I find my girlfriend less attractive lately because of a lack of tacking care of herself. I've brought it up casually but she doesn't seem to take it to heart that I genuinely am concerned about her lifestyle choices and what it's doing to her physically. As for the other girl, I've connected to her on a very personal level as far as getting to know her and spend quality time with her (not by choice, but it happened through an event that took place because of my job). I haven't felt so connected and open with someone so fast for as long as I can remember and I feel trapped thinking about how great the interaction was between me and the other girl and not being able to tell my girlfriend anything. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I can't tell if maybe I'm bored with my current relationship and the love just isn't there anymore, or if it's just a phase I'm going through that will pass or some type of test of my relationship. I haven't cheated and never will no matter what. But I feel so strongly about my recent new connection and don't know what to do about it. Please give me some advice if you've had experience with this matter. I feel lost.

[Bobbi7]

How is your girlfriend not taking care of herself? Is she not wearing make-up, gained weight, wear ugly clothes? And this is exactly why I fear being in a relationship..the grass will always be greener on the other side..

[SomeDude16]

You say you feel connected fast, but I'm sure the connection with your current girlfriend is a deeper one. I think this is just a phase. You've reached the point in your relationship where you feel very comfortable and repetitive emotionally and intellectually. This is further complicated by her "lack of taking care of herself".

 

I'd venture to say you guys see each other quite a lot at this point, either living together or seeing each other every day??

[DoesntGetIt]

I will shed light on this from the point of view of someone who recently got divorced because I fell out of love with my wife (as a brief mention, we also tried counciling at my request before giving up).

 

 

Sometimes something new and different feels very exciting and causes a slew of emotions that make you feel like you have a real connection. I have a female friend who, because of problems in her own past, has specifically hooked up with a lot of married guys/guys in serious relationships. It works well for her because she is a tough, one of the guys, cool, fun, type of girl so she is always the "something different" that gets long term relationship guys fired up. They start something with her, have some fun, and end up ending destroying their actual relationships and not ending up having anything with her either (she generally gets hurt in the process as well, but that's another thing). They ruin their lives because the "new and different" is so exciting in the moment and they don't think it through before acting.

 

 

Be very careful of that. You need to take time to really think this through, to really think about your long term girlfriend. Clearly there is more you liked about her than her looks. So even though she may not be taking as good of care of herself as in the past, the rest of her is still there.

 

 

Also think about all the stuff you have loved about her over the years, all the ways she's supported you, how much you've missed her at times when you've been apart. If you have a lot of good memories and thoughts doing that, then you likely still love her and shouldn't ruin it over something new and exciting. Sometimes a long term relationship needs some extra work to get the spark back. Take a trip together. Schedule date nights where you really go out and do something and don't use your phones. Do new and different things.

 

 

 

 

That said, sometimes feelings do go away. I first realized I didn't love my wife anymore when she temporarily moved back home, states away, for several months to help her family. I didn't miss her at all during that time, didn't miss her not being with me, didn't want to talk on the phone much, nothing. I was just fine. When she got back I had no excitement when seeing her again. It was like she was a roommate to me and nothing more. Sometimes, for whatever strange reason, the feelings just go away.

 

 

You need to be very certain before you do anything at all with this new girl. And for the love of god, if you do decide (after a lot of very, very careful and deep thought) that you want to explore things with the new girl, do not cheat. Be open and honest with you current girlfriend and end things before starting something else. Cheating is the cowards way out, and you owe it to her to be upfront before moving on.

[Buddhist]

Are you sure it has nothing to do with your gf isn't hot anymore and this girl is? Just be honest and dump your gf. Stop trying to beat about the bush with euphemisms for connection and stars in your eyes etc. It's very simple, you think she's hotter than your gf and are looking for an excuse to walk. Don't post about it, just walk.

[introuble1818]

Thanks for all of the input so far. I'll share a little bit further into the situation: The other girl has also been in a relationship for almost 5 years as well and still seemed very much interested in me. As for my girlfriend, she isn't overweight, shes actually lost weight to the point that I feel its unhealthy and yes, my physical attraction to her has dwindled away. I do find her attractive still, especially when she gets all done up, but most days the attraction doesn't seem to be very strong. And recently when I was away I sadly did not find myself missing her very much. I enjoyed the time away and felt completely comfortable with the other people I was with. When I returned, I didn't find myself missing her very much like she did me. It was just like "back to the regular schedule..".

 

I guess my biggest question is: when you connect with someone far beyond the physical element, to the point that it feels like you shouldn't ignore it because it could change your life for the better (even if just having them as a friend), should you ignore it or talk it out? Even when this person happens to be someone you are attracted to while in another relationship?

[beach]

Thanks for all of the input so far. I'll share a little bit further into the situation: The other girl has also been in a relationship for almost 5 years as well and still seemed very much interested in me. As for my girlfriend, she isn't overweight, shes actually lost weight to the point that I feel its unhealthy and yes, my physical attraction to her has dwindled away. I do find her attractive still, especially when she gets all done up, but most days the attraction doesn't seem to be very strong. And recently when I was away I sadly did not find myself missing her very much. I enjoyed the time away and felt completely comfortable with the other people I was with. When I returned, I didn't find myself missing her very much like she did me. It was just like "back to the regular schedule..".

 

I guess my biggest question is: when you connect with someone far beyond the physical element, to the point that it feels like you shouldn't ignore it because it could change your life for the better (even if just having them as a friend), should you ignore it or talk it out? Even when this person happens to be someone you are attracted to while in another relationship?

 

You should do things in PROPER ORDER.

 

IF you intend to see the new gal - you should both end the other relationships - and try out dating like normal people would.

 

Since it's not fair to your gal to feel this way and stay - end it with her either way.

 

That way she can find a man who will love her completely.

 

Best wishes.

[Arieswoman]

introuble1818,

 

you say

 

that I find my girlfriend less attractive lately because of a lack of tacking care of herself.

 

Can you expand on what you mean by this?

 

Is there a reason, could she have depression, does she need help?

 

I would suggest you explore this further before you start stepping out on her.

[Kinetica84]

Firstly, find what's wrong with your current relationship and do everything you can to fix it.

 

If by then you still feel the same then move on.

 

You only feel this way because of this new girl. It's normal to be attracted to others but I think you're latching onto the excitement of something new. Always remember that something new feeling is alway temporary!

 

You not missing your girl is a case you're too comfortable and taking her for granted. If she just got up and left you tomorrow it would split you in two trust me.

 

Water the grass you're on and it will be green again.

[strawberrypancake]

most relationships don't last forever. but often they don't because people are too lazy to work on things that might be having a few cracks.

people are selfish. please don't be a d-bag and try to talk honestly with your girlfriend. ask how SHE feels currently about the two of you.

ask how SHE would like to continue, if she is truly happy, if there are things on her mind that are contributing to her lack of good lifestyle choices...

it seems to me as if you just dismiss her and her needs completely.

as far as i know, she plays a part in it too. and her part is equal to yours.

and considering that, the new girl has zero to do with that. that's an external factor you should try to block our whilst thinking of what it is you can do to figure out where things are going with your current relationship.

 

i also would not jump into anything new right away if it SHOULD end with your current gf. it could end badly.

[elaine567]

You are highly attracted to this new girl physically and emotionally and are now picking faults with your gf to justify cheating on her.

 

YOU are already cheating on her, what you describe here is an emotional affair.

 

Do not cheat any more, it wrecks people's lives.

 

I am not sure if trying to rekindle something that seems to be gone on your side is going to do you or your gf any favours, too many seem to want to beat dead horses, but if you deep down do love your gf and can see a future with her, then you will have to put some work in. She is too thin you say, why is that? As her long term partner it is your job to find out

 

But if you feel the horse is actually dead then do the decent thing and break up with your gf and then pursue this other woman.

There is no unwritten law that we have to stay indefinitely with people we do not like or we do not get on with, or we have no connection with or who we find unattractive. You are not married, chase the happiness, but do not cheat and ruin another's life. Cheating erodes trust, and with the continual distrust of others that that causes, comes great unhappiness.

[katiegrl]

I may get beat up for this but if you're not feeling it with your girlfriend anymore, then end it. No sense in prolonging the inevitable.... it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

 

And leave the other chick out of this for a minute. Would you be feeling this way about your current gf had this new girl NOT come along?

 

From reading your post, you're not wanting out "because" of your feelings for this new girl.

 

Sounds like you have wanted out for awhile (face it, you're just not in love with her anymore, it happens)...and THAT is why you became attracted to this other chick.

 

We only live once, and if you're not happy, and you believe you have done all you can to make it work and it still isn't, then end it.

Edited March 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gary S]

Before you throw it all away, a few things to consider:

 

- Looks fade. Her attitude is forever

 

- the grass is not always greener on the other side

 

- You don't even know the new woman yet

 

- everything is beautiful in the beginning

 

- Women in love do it better - you already have one of those

 

- sex is not the main thing men want. They want loyalty and to be comfortable, that's number one

 

- don't take what you have for granted

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's hard to tell which came first, your loss of attraction to your girlfriend or the new girl that stirred up all these emotions in you that made you start over analyzing your relationship with your girlfriend.

 

I completely agree that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The newness of this other relationship (and it is a relationship) is wreaking havoc on your current relationship whether you realize it or not. You're being very irresponsible in my opinion.

 

Your judgement is clouded and you're trying to come to some kind of decision regarding your current relationship while this other woman is hanging out in the shadows. You're comparing these women against each other and it's not fair to either of them.

 

Four and half years together is significant these days and ending it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you genuinely feel like you've lost interest in your girlfriend for whatever reason that's one thing BUT to question your relationship as a result of being emotionally involved with another is just wrong on so many levels not to mention cold.

 

Tread carefully. This is one decision that comes with some pretty hefty consequences that can not be undone.

[Hopeful30]

I don't think you should feel guilty at all for feeling this way. I also don't think we are meant to be with just one person our entire lives.

 

We are constantly learning and growing and changing, and this will inevitably be reflected in the people that come and go in our lives. I never understood why people would feel bad or guilty about wanting to change romantic partners. Seems that society tries to vigorously promote monogamy, but they automatically scrap the idea that you can be monogamous various times in your life, and polygamy is equally valid as well (so long as everyone know that's what's going on of course.)

 

If you really want to end your current relationship then do it. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want to have your current girlfriend start taking better care of herself, also nothing wrong with sitting her down and telling her "Listen, I'm beginning to look at other women, and here is why." It's healthy to communicate these things. And this time don't be casual, cuz the situation is no longer casual, it just got serious.

 

In my humble opinion, I just think your relationship has run it's course, and you are ready for new things. Especially now that you have marriage on the mind. And like I said, as you change, so do the people in your lives. If you feel this new connection could be it, then don't lose it.

Edited March 9, 2015 by Hopeful30

[catchthedrift]

So I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 1/2 years now and have been thinking about marriage and other things in my future, but recently (for the first time ever), I've become attracted to another girl. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I've also found that I find my girlfriend less attractive lately because of a lack of tacking care of herself. I've brought it up casually but she doesn't seem to take it to heart that I genuinely am concerned about her lifestyle choices and what it's doing to her physically. As for the other girl, I've connected to her on a very personal level as far as getting to know her and spend quality time with her (not by choice, but it happened through an event that took place because of my job). I haven't felt so connected and open with someone so fast for as long as I can remember and I feel trapped thinking about how great the interaction was between me and the other girl and not being able to tell my girlfriend anything. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I can't tell if maybe I'm bored with my current relationship and the love just isn't there anymore, or if it's just a phase I'm going through that will pass or some type of test of my relationship. I haven't cheated and never will no matter what. But I feel so strongly about my recent new connection and don't know what to do about it. Please give me some advice if you've had experience with this matter. I feel lost.

 

You need to be honest with your girlfriend about how you feel. Please ask her why she is changing. Give her a chance to redeem herself. I hope you can figure this out, I am sure she is a wonderful partner and you are slacking just as much as she is at the moment. It takes two to tango.

 

And the other girl is really just an excuse to potentially get out of your current relationship because you know deep inside that you could never ever leave your girlfriend just like that, it would break both your hearts. So you think if you pursue a new love interest it would be easier to break up.

Don't do that, everyone involved will get hurt.

[central]

You have to decide if your current relationship is worth saving. Just because you've been together this long does not automatically mean it should last longer. You also need to separate how you feel about your g/f from how you feel about this other woman, which may not work out - and if it doesn't work out after you've left your current g/f, would you regret leaving your current g/f? If not, then take a chance and move on - it will be what it will be. But if you think your relationship is worth preserving, make a real effort WITH her to make it what you both want. If you succeed, great! If you fail, then you'll both feel free to move on without regret.