Here's the situation...suggestions?!

[peralta]

I moved into my current place of residence about two years ago. I moved into a house with two male friends. Over the course of the first year I got involved with my roommate Robert. First let me give you some insight on Robert. Robert is divorced, he married very young to his high school sweetheart who at the time was pregnant with another man's kid. Robert decided to ignore that and take on the role of father and husband. After 10 years of marriage, Robert came to find that his wife was cheating on him. Needless to say they divorced shortly after. But along with the divorce, his ex decided that it was in the kids best interest if Robert was not a part of his kids life anymore. I can hear the sadness in Rob's voice when he speaks of his kid.

Rob has been divorced for four years now. After his divorce, Rob was in a relationship with a lady (and I use the term lady very loosely ) who was out to get whatever she could from him. It was another relationship filled with unfaithfulness.

These are the only two serious relationships that Rob has ever been in, so needless to say, the guy has a pretty poor view on relationships. When Rob and I first started hooking up, it was purely that. Just hooking up. Feelings started growing for each other but all the meanwhile he warned me that he would never get married again, that he didn't want to get serious out of fear of hurting me and so on. During this time he was kind of rude and cold, which he later admitted to me that he was purposely pushing me away for my own well being. Rob is also clinically depressed. Its hard and scary because I don't know how to help him when he gets in that state. He locks himself in his room. But its yet another reason why he pushes me away.

 

After my feelings grew too strong for him and he was still unwilling to be in relationship I began to look for other places to live. When I broke the news to him that I would be moving out something in him changed. He asked that we really talk it over. One night, he cried and told me that loves me and really, thats all I wanted to hear and thats what got me to stay. (Pretty pathetic)

Since all this we're mostly good. He acknowledges me as his girlfriend and I have no reason not to trust him. My problem? I don't feel very appreciated. I knew that this was a risk going into this what with all his past relationship issues. We don't have what constitutes as a normal relationship. He never tells me loves me, we don't text, we don't talk on the phone (he travels a lot for work) and for some reason those things concern me. I know I shouldn't expect it to be like most relationships seeing as we started out as roommates, then went to be a couple who was already living together. I feel like we skipped a huge and a really fun part of a relationship.

Not too long ago, an ex of mine posted a picture on FB of me kissing him on the cheek. Right away, I asked Rob if he was upset about the picture explaining that if that were picture of him and another girl I would be pretty upset. He said no and we went on with our night. Suddenly the next day he got into one of his depression modes where he locked himself in his room and would not speak to me. (Which he hasn't done in a long time). When he was finally ready to talk, he admitted that his mood stemmed from the picture. He acknowledged that it was a little ridiculous to get so upset about a picture. He then said that he got really jealous and that his jealously really scared him because it made him realize how much he cares about me. And with him not wanting to ever be that serious with someone again, he was pretty frightened. He said that while he was locked his room he really tried to find something he didn't like about me, and couldn't. He was basically saying that he was trying to find a reason to break up with me but couldn't find one. Compliment or insult? Beats me! As the conversation continued he admitted to just being really scared and that he thinks that I deserve someone who would treat me much better than he does. He himself was pretty conflicted - he thinks i deserve better but doesn't really want me to move on.

What I need you to also understand is that when Rob and I have a good time, it's the best! Some of my best, most fun memories are because of him. And how the sex keeps getting better is beyond me. I know I'm not unhappy. I was in a relationship for 5 years where I was truly unhappy and stuck it out for a guy out of pity, I've promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship where I was ever less than happy again. But I just don't know if I should listen to him and move on to someone who is more affectionate? After researching some articles on depression, I simply think that he just doesn't think he's good enough because of reasons built up in his head and because of his past relationships where these woman made him believe he wasn't good enough that they had to move on to another man. I would be heartbroken to stick out with him and to learn that this all we'll ever be.

[barcode88]

You can't be in a relationship until you can be by yourself.

 

 

He doesn't seem to be in an OKAY state, so I'd say getting involved with him romantically could be potentially toxic. What he needs is friends.

[Buddhist]

Depressed people need to help themselves first (speaking from experience of being a depressed person), adding a relationship to that usually delays the self-help part because now there is something else to blame stuff on.

 

If he's in that place of martyring himself due to depression (I'm not good enough for you, you're better off without me) then indeed you are better off without them. That stage of depression has the individual so self-absorbed that they literally have nothing to give, not even to themselves. I've been there and adding another person to my life in that state would have done nothing good at all. It's not what people want to hear but someone in that state really needs to be given the space to focus on themselves, what's going on and finally coming to the conclusion that something for them needs to change.

 

You sticking around for the ride isn't going to help him not be depressed. He's depressed because of internal work that needs to happen, not because of the external circumstances of his life. But he has to come to that conclusion himself.

[Gloria25]

You know what I like about guys like him?

 

He wants to put "YOU" through 21 questions, yet if another chick like his two exes rolled around, he'd be rolling out the red carpet.

 

I say leave him alone or start learning to be a manipulative witch.

 

Some people are comfortable in bad situations. When they meet someone that they're not used to, it's hard for them to date them. You're not what he's used to.

 

Unless he seeks counseling (to learn to find out why he seeks and wants bad women, and to learn to trust himself not to fall for one again) and takes responsibility for his poor choices in the past, then sorry, you're wasting your time.

[Sunlight72]

The news is -

If he thinks you're too good for him, you are.

 

Believe him. Don't wish it to be different, accept how it is.

 

It sucks, I know.

 

Best Wishes.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Sunlight72