losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I need some help getting out of my own head about this issue. I kind of just need to get this off my chest. My BF and I have been dating since September, official since early December. So far, we've spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and his birthday (which is late Jan) together. We never talked about Christmas gifts, and since he doesn't celebrate it (he's from India), and we'd been "official" for just a couple of weeks at that point, it didn't bother me too much that he didn't get me anything, even though I bought him a pretty nice gift (because I wanted to). He felt bad about it—said he'd wanted to get me something, but didn't know what to get. He told me after the fact to let him know what I might want, and he'd get it for me. Fair enough—I don't expect some guy I've only known a few months to know what I like. I decided on a set of free weights, and he's in the process of getting me those. Last week, I bought him a gift for Valentine's Day, and had it sent to his apt. I told him last week that when the package comes, he can't open it until that day. I guess I figured that since he felt so bad about missing Christmas, he'd make up for it for planning something for Valentine's Day, but when I mentioned having gotten him something, he started stressing. Jokingly, I was like, well, you've got a week and a half, you'll think of something! The whole rest of the weekend, he kept making comments about needing to step up his game, etc. I assured him that he's not alone in this, and that if he wants suggestions on what to do, I'm happy to give them. Now, I don't need him to get me a big gift or whatever, but I do want to feel special/appreciated. I've told him recently that I know he cares about me and appreciates me, but that I need him to express that more often (I feel like I do that more than he does; hell, at almost six months in, I can't honestly say I know what it is about me that he likes). I told him on Monday that instead of going out on Valentine's Day, we should go out to dinner on Friday instead, as it'll be easier to get a reservation. He said yeah, let's do that, and I left the reservation-making to him. Yesterday though, when I sent him a suggestion of a place to go, he said he'd been making calls and everywhere is booked. But I've sent him links to three different restaurants that I know for sure have Friday openings. He's a bit of procrastinator, and my fear is that the stress he's feeling about this weekend is causing him to shut down a little bit. This morning, without telling him, I went ahead and made a reservation at a place on Friday, just in case he stalls out, so we're not stuck eating at McDonald's. I know everyone has a different opinion on Valentine's Day, and other websites I've read encourage women to just accept their men as unromantic, and that it's not a reflection of their true feelings for you. I understand that, and maybe that's what y'all would say, too, but in this situation, for several reasons, I really want to know that he cares for me. Reasons beings, as I've laid out, that he didn't do anything for Christmas, and that I recently told him that I was feeling a bit hurt and unappreciated. At the same time, I don't want to put pressure on him. All last weekend I made it a point to tell him repeatedly that I thought he was a great boyfriend, because he is. Thoughts?? Thanks.
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'm not very familiar with other cultures. Does India celebrate Valentine's Day? Has he been here long enough to know the customs? You may be putting too much pressure on one day. It's hard not to when it's your 1st Valentine's Day but see if he comes through. Talk to him about some of your expectations & ask if it would be easier on him if you did something else. Find out what his expectations & fears are . 1
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You may be putting too much pressure on one day. It's hard not to when it's your 1st Valentine's Day but see if he comes through. I'm trying not to put pressure on this one day. After all, it is one day. It's more the deeper underlying feeling that I've put a lot of effort in (Christmas, birthday, now V-Day), while he, despite stated intentions, hasn't. It's like, do you actually care about me, dude? Please come through. Maybe he's just one of those guys who doesn't express his feelings that way, I don't know yet. I do know that he's not a guy who plans ahead, that's for sure. I'm feeling insecure, too, because when I expressed my need for more expressions of care on his part, it was the first time I'd brought something up that I wasn't happy about (well, second time). I have a hard time expressing those things, because my fear is that the other person isn't going to be interested in following through. I know that's distorted thinking, and I'm in therapy working on this kind of mindset, but that's where I am.
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Damn... Sounds like we have the opposite problem! Truthfully, your right. Every person has a different opinion about Valentines day. I think even regardless of a women feelings towards it she still feels good being shown appreciation and love on the 'holiday'. Even if she could care less. I don't have particularly strong feelings for Valentines but some people do but it can also be seen as a lovers holiday that isn't just for a women. It's a day that two people can share and appreciate with each other. Why does it have to be one sided? This may go against the grain or does it? That said, turn the table a bit. Plan a romantic evening for the both of you. Take charge, If he appreciates it he'll let you know and in return it'll feel special and hopefully so will you. Does this sound dumb?
callingyouuu Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It's a day that two people can share and appreciate with each other. Why does it have to be one sided? I think she's feeling like the relationship already is a bit one-sided in the "romantic gestures" department. Have you sensed that it might be a cultural thing? If so, it sounds like he cares enough to still make an effort to do something for holidays/birthdays in the future, but this is an issue that is unlikely to change too significantly.
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 That said, turn the table a bit. Plan a romantic evening for the both of you. Take charge, If he appreciates it he'll let you know and in return it'll feel special and hopefully so will you. Does this sound dumb? That's my point, though. I feel like for every holiday before now, I have been the one to plan things. I want him to be able to plan something, and I'm so afraid he won't be able to. However, this is the man who was texting his friends DAY-OF to invite them to his birthday drinks. So ... haha, now that I write that, I feel like my expectations are kinda off.
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) That's my point, though. I feel like for every holiday before now, I have been the one to plan things. I want him to be able to plan something, and I'm so afraid he won't be able to. However, this is the man who was texting his friends DAY-OF to invite them to his birthday drinks. So ... haha, now that I write that, I feel like my expectations are kinda off. I see your point. Yes. It has been one sided. Come on, you've been reading my post. You think your expectations are off! lol.... I don't think there is anything wrong with your expectations. Not if you've been pulling the haul all this long. It's not expectations it's change and maybe being appreciate for the things you've done until now. I understand and you deserve it. I think he needs to consider it is not about him and he needs to step out of his zone once in a while. Especially if your pulling at those threads. Have someone tell him it isn't about him. He will end up losing you. What makes you think he doesn't have something up his sleeve ? Edited February 12, 2015 by bohica
BluEyeL Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I was wondering, what else does he do to make you feel special, besides his not coming through with gifts at these special occasions? 1. does he tell you words of affirmation? 2. Does he do things around the house/help you with things 3. Does he like to hold your hand, touch you all the time? 4. Does he like to spend a lot of his free time with you? I am under the influence of the 5 love languages book, which I just finished and if I am to believe what they say, it appears that "gifts" is not how he shows his appreciation and they're not important to him. He probably doesn't care to receive them either. My BF is quite similar. He didn't get me a Christmas gift because, supposedly, he doesn't celebrate Christmas, but because I do, he said he got me a trip to Mexico. Which truly he had bought already and we were going, Christmas or no Christmas. So, IMO, he came empty handed at Christmas. He brought me a gift for my bday but it was more of a tongue in cheek gift. And now, he said he will give me my "real" bday gift for Valentine's, just because he kept it because two gifts seemed over the top for my bday, but he's not into Valentines and he'll do whatever I want, he just cares to be with me that's all. So he basically doesn't do Valentine's although we'll exchange gifts this year. I proposed that we don't go out and he brings take out and we stay in. It's easy for me because I'm from Eastern Europe and I've never celebrated Valentine's before, even with my ex-husband. My BF shows his love through helping me. Also, clearly, he appreciates it when people do things for him (me-cooking, taking care of his dogs etc.). He also loves spending a lot of time with me (a bit too much even, sometimes I want more time to myself). So I'm thinking, what is your BF doing otherwise to show his love for you? You may look at that and let go of the special occasions. Also, are you sure dating an Indian is a good bet? I know some have some hang ups about marrying non-indian women, although some are more open. 2
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 What makes you think he doesn't have something up his sleeve ? Because I know him, lol.
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Because I know him, lol. Maybe he'll shock the crap out of you..... I hope he does....
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 1. does he tell you words of affirmation? 2. Does he do things around the house/help you with things 3. Does he like to hold your hand, touch you all the time? 4. Does he like to spend a lot of his free time with you? Thanks, BluEyeL. I have really been thinking about this recently, because you're right. He touches me a lot, little affectionate things, even in public. He also basically is okay with having me around all the time. Even this weekend, on Sunday night, when I'd already been at this place since Thursday and thought maybe he'd like some time to himself to game, I asked if I could spend the night ('cause he lives close to where I work), and he said, sure you can stay over anytime you want. He also put 6GB of RAM into my laptop 'cause he knew it was running slow. He does a lot of things that show his appreciation, actually. I guess we do really speak different "love languages" though, as for me, I'm a big acts of service person. So it means more to me if he cleans up the kitchen after I cook than if he were to make me dinner. Same with the planning of things—it would send me to the moon and back if he could even make a simple Valentine's Day reservation. That would mean loads more to me than any gift, as I prefer to give them than get them. He appreciates gifts. He appreciates effort. Physical touch for him is also a big thing. Thanks for the reality check. Now I feel kinda bad for telling him that I need him to show me he cares!
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It's not right for you to check your expectations. You didn't ask for anything unreasonable and you've been very communicative about what you want. If he can't so much as bring you some pretty flowers then you might want to reconsider this. You don't want to be in a relationship where you feel you can't get your hopes up. Besides, cultural differences aren't an excuse for not paying attention to a partner's desires. I'm rooting for this to be an act and that he's got something really great in store. If he does let you down, you need to have a talk. 2
BluEyeL Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 They say that it's seldom that people have the same love language. You could read that book yourself, it may help you understand him better and even maybe how to get him to speak more of your love language, i.e. do more of the things you need him to do to make you happy. He does things that he thinks make you happy. You shouldn't feel bad that you spoke up though. It's good to communicate how you need to be loved. Otherwise, how would he know? But, pressure of any kind is not good for men, the more we push for what we want, the more they don't do it. We have to let go of the relationship looking "just so" and be OK with a different model. My guy is so freaking stubborn. Basically, he said the reason he doesn't like to do special occasions that are commercial is that he doesn't want others to tell him what to do and when to do it. He brings me flowers all the time, he doesn't need someone to tell him when to bring me flowers just because it's a commercial occasion, he says. He doesn't understand that for me, as a woman, it would mean a lot if he actually let go of his philosophy and actually conform to this social norm, maybe just so simply so I can brag to my friends about his efforts, which in turn will make me happy, which in turn will make him happy. But he's not that savvy. They think their way to do things is OK. Let it go. I'm sure it's not personal. But keep the lines of communication open and maybe find ways to understand each other better. I plan to actually have mine read some of these relationship books, he'd be open I think, but not now, maybe later. Plus, I'm going to tell him more of exactly what I want him to do and when. Instead of being general: "I want you to appreciate me more", which is too vague and sounds like a criticism. I will say: "I'd love not to have to cook that day, could you please make me dinner on V-day" (for example, because mine doesn't cook. I will actually ask him directly to buy take out from the restaurant we went to for our first date). I'm sure he'll do whatever I'll ask. He'll not plan it, but hey, whatever, he'll do other things. 2
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I think she's feeling like the relationship already is a bit one-sided in the "romantic gestures" department. Have you sensed that it might be a cultural thing? If so, it sounds like he cares enough to still make an effort to do something for holidays/birthdays in the future, but this is an issue that is unlikely to change too significantly. Not necessarily. He's been in the States for about five years, so it's not like it's such a foreign concept. Besides, it really is about showing care, not the traditions of the specific holiday. I hope too that he's putting this on a little bit and that he'll come through in the end. He did that several weeks ago—I was picking him up to go meet our friends at a comedy club, and the whole drive over, I was so worried that he was going to be running late (that was the first thing I complained about, was his lack of being on time, though now he's much, much better at that), but when I got there, he walked out on time, ready to go, with nary a phone call of "I'm here" needing to prompt him downstairs. I was so surprised I could barely open my mouth.
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Also, are you sure dating an Indian is a good bet? I know some have some hang ups about marrying non-indian women, although some are more open. We'll see. He's the only member of his family to live in the States, but I know his family would be very disapproving of me. They don't know yet, and that's something that several of our friends find crazy, but I understand. One of the first stories he told me about his family is that his brother and now sister-in-law dated for TWO YEARS before they told anyone in the family that they were dating. And my BF was the first person to know, and she's even Indian! That's something I'm willing to wait a while on. Clearly, I'm still deciding if I want this man to be in my life long-term, so there's no rush to trot me out in front of his family. Especially with the cultural divide being so wide.
thecrucible Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I do know how you feel as I have quite a driven personality so naturally I might end up doing things I don't intend to do and then I stress about the potential of doing the heavy lifting in a relationship - that is my greatest fear as it has happened with other guys. But the reason I did that was because I wanted the guy to; so those romantic gestures were really just me trying to get him to do it back but it completely backfired on me. It only made previous boyfriends uncomfortable. It's a tough one because you don't want him to feel under pressure. Have you discussed your expectations of St Valentine's Day before? I think it's quite likely he's thinking about it more than he's letting on...hey I just sort of broke up with a guy and then he starts telling me that he was thinking ahead to Valentine's Day and it got to me :/ It got to me because a previous boyfriend hadn't planned anything until last minute and clearly felt uncomfortable about it. Seriously if he's planned anything at all...be very effusive about how amazing it is and give him lots of loving 1
BluEyeL Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 We'll see. He's the only member of his family to live in the States, but I know his family would be very disapproving of me. They don't know yet, and that's something that several of our friends find crazy, but I understand. One of the first stories he told me about his family is that his brother and now sister-in-law dated for TWO YEARS before they told anyone in the family that they were dating. And my BF was the first person to know, and she's even Indian! That's something I'm willing to wait a while on. Clearly, I'm still deciding if I want this man to be in my life long-term, so there's no rush to trot me out in front of his family. Especially with the cultural divide being so wide. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same in my current R. Dating is getting to know the person as a candidate to be your forever. No rush into marriage or moving in together. I'm in the exact same place. Just let things be, let the relationship be and flow. Let go of expectations of things to be just so, and observe how he is to understand how a marriage with him would be like. I'm doing the same thing. If my BF would ask me today to move in with him, wouldn't do it. Need to gather more info. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 This sounds like a cultural difference to me. You're expecting something from him when he's not going to give you whatever it is you expect because you're living in two different realms. I wouldn't sweat these little things, but there are a lot of little things that can bother you about a person if you let them. 1
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Yes, yes, I plan to be very effusive in the OMG, THANKS HONEY department. Also, BJs, lol. I wouldn't mind trying to talk about it, but right now I feel like bringing it up will honestly put more pressure on him, not less. I have a back up plan in place for Friday, so now I feel like I should just sit back and let him come to me. I'm so afraid he's just going to back away completely because of this. That's my stupid worst case scenario thinking coming into play, I know. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to pressure him, but even at this point saying, "honey don't worry about it" is calling too much attention to it, and will probably bruise his ego with me thinking that he can't handle it (or make him feel relieved, I'm not sure). I want to launch into damage control, but I feel like it's just gonna make things worse. I should just let it be right now, right? 2
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You don't think this is a break-up-able offense on his part, do you? I'm just second-guessing myself all over the place. Like maybe I shouldn't have even suggested those places yesterday. Now I feel like I can't reach out at all to do anything for this weekend. What if he's just ... silent?
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Not sure if I read this right but I wouldn't suggest coming out of the blue and saying "honey don't worry about it" Maybe if he brings it up but otherwise no. I can relate to all the emotions your going through at the moment. I think he's lucky to have someone who cares enough about his feelings too and you worry it may cause problems. My guess is that in the end. It will all be ok. 1
BluEyeL Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You don't think this is a break-up-able offense on his part, do you? I'm just second-guessing myself all over the place. Like maybe I shouldn't have even suggested those places yesterday. Now I feel like I can't reach out at all to do anything for this weekend. What if he's just ... silent? No, definitely not. Maybe a yellow flag that he's not as romantic and may not give you what you want on the long term. But it's not a breakable offense at this point. You need to give it more time. 1
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 No, definitely not. Maybe a yellow flag that he's not as romantic and may not give you what you want on the long term. But it's not a breakable offense at this point. You need to give it more time. No, I mean on his part. Do you think I've done anything he could break up with me over?
Author losangelena Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Not sure if I read this right but I wouldn't suggest coming out of the blue and saying "honey don't worry about it" Maybe if he brings it up but otherwise no. I can relate to all the emotions your going through at the moment. I think he's lucky to have someone who cares enough about his feelings too and you worry it may cause problems. My guess is that in the end. It will all be ok. Thanks. And, deep down, I agree with you.
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