adarling Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 We met online. He chatted me up, and was very fun to flirt with. We had a hard time setting a date. He was busy a lot on the weekends (playing) and I work during the week. Finally, after two months we hung out. Our date was a 10. We liked each other, we had fun, his friends showed up, we all got along. We ended up making out in my car, and, well, sleeping together. He was a bit forceful about it...but it was kinda hot, and believe me I wanted to, but he did have to talk me into it. We had fireworks, crazy chemistry all night..and again in the morning. So awesome. We text a little the next week. I don't hear from him the next weekend, but he invites me over on Weds. He was again very forceful about getting his way. I said I might not be able to and he said, "this is how **** turns into a one night stand. later" so I freak out, say I'm coming over and I want him to be happy. I show up, give him a little ****, and then we have a great night/morning. We text a little through the week and onto the next. (no weekend again) and the following Thurs night I get drunk and text him some crazy stuff. I texted him to come over and he didn't respond so. Hours later (drunk) I say, "you're prolly with another girl right now, I hope she's worth it, I'm done, whatever" blah blah blah, right. The next morning he texts: thanks for the insults. don't call me anymore. I called right away and apologized and said I was drunk, so so sorry. He says it wasn't cool. Got it, but we seem OK. But he says he is in the mountains with his friends he will be gone all weekend (another weekend!). Anyhoo, I bake him cookies! I text Sat, "i made you something" and he says great, come over Sunday. Cool! I come over Sunday and it feels weird. I felt pretty mousy. But we watch a little TV and then fool around. But he is really distant, acting all tired. Tells me he drank a lot, partied, and Sat he went to the movies. Do guys go to the movies with other guys? Who did he go to the movies with? Then he lies with his back to me, doesn't make eye contact, acts real sleepy. It's different. All I can think is he prolly was with come other chick all weekend and now I'm getting sloppy seconds. Oh, btw, his friend (a girl) told me in a bonding moment, when I asked about him, that he was a Tinder (the online dating site) whore. So, that makes me nervous. At this point I'm feeling like a booty call. So, I say, "I think you should take me on a real date." He mutters something. Back to me. SO I get up, put on my clothes and go to have a cigarette. He comes out and thinks I'm leaving and says "you're really gonna leave cuz I'm sleeping" (8pm btw). I tell him I'm having a cig. I go back in lie down, and he says he just wants to lie there without being pawed at. So I sigh. At which point he bolts out of bed and yells at me to leave, or he is gonna call the cops. Says he thinks I just need to leave, that I'm psychotic or something and being drama and he wants to be alone. I panic. Get dressed and sit there trying to calm him down, put my face in my hands and he says, "I don't care yap it up!" He is really pissed. After awhile he cools down, I ask if he wants me to leave, says it doesn't matter. We sleep. Morning sex. The next day I text and apologize about our fight. He doesn't respond. I say a few more things that he ignores. The weekend rolls around. Sat night I ask if he wants to get a beer. "Maybe another time I have plans" This is the fourth weekend I do not get. So I think something is up. I say "Should I be jealous?" Going on a date" he doesn't respond. The next night I send something which he ignores. I ask if I can come over...nothing. So I do a big "no, no" and I went over there. He opened the door, said it's fine, I obviously had something to say. Said I was sorry. Asked if he was mad, and if I ruined things. He said yea I ruined things. I asked if we could start over. He said no, you get to know someone and that's it. I said I just wanted to kiss him. We end up having sex. BUT...he makes it real clear that this is all he wants me for. He says it (dirty talk way). The whole thing was incredibly degrading sex. Like he treated me like a whore. It was terrible. And after he gets up puts on his clothes and makes himself a sandwich, and turns the light off on me. My cue to go. So I say something like "seriously?" and he yells back, "what? I'm doing what I want to do? I'm making myself something to eat is that ok?" I kinda laugh and say I'm leaving. He says bye. Two weeks later I contact him and he doesn't respond. I acted crazy and needy and jealous and pissed him off. He was nice when he liked me, then he pinned me for a crazy chick and there was no turning back. ANy insight would help. I am kicking myself. I feel like if I had behaved differently we would be having a blast right now.
Revan32 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Uh wow.... Let me guess, he's a really good looking, cool, popular guy. You're probably a little more on the average side and don't have a huge social life. Am I close? What I'm getting at, and I don't mean to mean saying it, is he is probably a lot better looking than you. If he's known for hooking up with a ton of tinder girls, then he must be very good looking. Just because you guys had a nice date, doesn't mean he wants to now go solo with you. The best looking guys online can constantly sleep with tons of girls, you were probably just one of many. If you don't want to just be a hook up, I'd recommend you stop chasing the best looking men you find online. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Eesh, this was painful to read. I couldn't even finish it. There's a couple of things going on here. Any first date that takes forever to eventualize, then ends up with his friends coming along and sex thereafter is doomed to fail. As a mature guy who'd like to meet a girl and care about her, I would never bring friends into the equation. I don't know you. You don't know me. I also would not sleep with you on the first date if I was serious about you. So, in summary, this guy is an immature jerk who wants what he wants. I feel sorry for any woman who enters his clutches. You, on the other hand, need some work, too. What's with jumping into bed with a guy on the first date? You have no idea who this person is! If you wanna' get your oil changed, fine. But don't expect the shadetree mechanic to stick around. He's got other hardbodies to realign. Also, what's up with all this supplication? Baking him things after he treats you like dirt!? Do you have boundaries? Do certain things make you feel good? Feel bad? Write these things on a piece of paper. Memorize them. Make them as fair and realistic as possible. When men don't respect these things, WALK! 9
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 haha. No we are both very good looking. Yes, he is very good looking. But I'm well within his league. It was obvious to me he was after one thing. But his friend also said if he found the right girl he would settle down. He was been married, in long term relationships. Is he done playing? Obviously not. Did he treat me the way I wanted, no. But did I give him anytime to? He was only a few weeks and I expected so much. Yea, I baked him cookies because I got drunk and insulted him. I thought we had a chance here. After the first two dates (hook ups) we were texting like"I had such a good time" "you made me very happy" "Same here" "feelings are def mutual" etc. I thought it would develop, until I acted needy. Thank you for the feedback though. He did show me exactly what he wanted, and the minute I wanted more there was issues. I slept with my ex on the first date, we dated for 5 years. Maybe that was a fluke. Maybe it's time to work on my self esteem, and worth.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Don't expect to get a lot of sympathy from many guys here OP... Lol. You slept with him on the first date, and then act surprised that hes delusional, yet continue to sleep with him anyway?
Zahara Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I was cringing reading that. Yes, work on your self-esteem. I think you use sex to make a man want, like, and validate you. Honestly, the more he treats you badly the more you give him sex, give him head, bake him cookies, persist with contact, etc. No man respects a woman that behaves that way. What they do with someone that bends over backwards that way is use them because honestly, you exhibited utter desperation and neediness. 7
clia Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Ultimately, you would've had the same outcome. He was not interested in a relationship, only wanted sex, and was not that into you. The red flags were there from the very beginning, but for whatever reason you ignored all of them and kept chasing and chasing until you looked like a crazy person. That said, you could've played the entire thing a lot differently and IMO, better. I'll walk you through what I think. We met online. He chatted me up, and was very fun to flirt with. We had a hard time setting a date. He was busy a lot on the weekends (playing) and I work during the week. Finally, after two months we hung out. This is your first sign that he's not that interested. If he was, he would've found a way to meet you sooner. Two months from initial contact to meet is way too long. You should've bailed long before this. Our date was a 10. We liked each other, we had fun, his friends showed up, we all got along. We ended up making out in my car, and, well, sleeping together. He was a bit forceful about it...but it was kinda hot, and believe me I wanted to, but he did have to talk me into it. We had fireworks, crazy chemistry all night..and again in the morning. So awesome. IMO, sex on the first date with him was a poor idea. And even though you may have liked his forcefulness, that is a huge red flag to me. All he was interested in was sex. We text a little the next week. I don't hear from him the next weekend, but he invites me over on Weds. Any guy who is not making time for you on the weekends is not that interested. He was again very forceful about getting his way. I said I might not be able to and he said, "this is how **** turns into a one night stand. later" so I freak out, say I'm coming over and I want him to be happy. I show up, give him a little ****, and then we have a great night/morning. His behavior here shows that all he was interested in with you was sex. And rather than tell him to F off, you ran over to his house and gave him exactly what he wanted. You lost any power you had here and he knew it. It was all downhill from here. We text a little through the week and onto the next. (no weekend again) Again, no weekend, not that into you. You've had sex with him twice by this point and he's at most taken you out on one date. (I can't tell what you did on the first date.) and the following Thurs night I get drunk and text him some crazy stuff. I texted him to come over and he didn't respond so. Now you are chasing him and asking him to hang out. It should be the other way around. Hours later (drunk) I say, "you're prolly with another girl right now, I hope she's worth it, I'm done, whatever" blah blah blah, right. Cringe. The next morning he texts: thanks for the insults. don't call me anymore. He's over it by this point. I called right away and apologized and said I was drunk, so so sorry. He says it wasn't cool. Got it, but we seem OK. But he says he is in the mountains with his friends he will be gone all weekend (another weekend!). And you are scrounging for forgiveness from him. And he ignores you for another weekend. Anyhoo, I bake him cookies! Honestly, why did he deserve cookies? WTF? I text Sat, "i made you something" and he says great, come over Sunday. Cool! Great, you are pursuing him some more...and bringing him cookies. I come over Sunday and it feels weird. I felt pretty mousy. But we watch a little TV and then fool around. But he is really distant, acting all tired. Tells me he drank a lot, partied, and Sat he went to the movies. He's over it. Do guys go to the movies with other guys? Who did he go to the movies with? Guys do go to the movies with other guys, but I suspect he was on a date. Yeah, he took some other girl to the movies on Saturday night. You still haven't seen him on a weekend. I can't figure out why you were still doing this. Then he lies with his back to me, doesn't make eye contact, acts real sleepy. It's different. All I can think is he prolly was with come other chick all weekend and now I'm getting sloppy seconds. Oh, btw, his friend (a girl) told me in a bonding moment, when I asked about him, that he was a Tinder (the online dating site) whore. So, that makes me nervous. He's ignoring you. He wanted you to leave. He was tired after his date with the other girl the night before. At this point I'm feeling like a booty call. If it looks like a duck... So, I say, "I think you should take me on a real date." He mutters something. Back to me. SO I get up, put on my clothes and go to have a cigarette. He comes out and thinks I'm leaving and says "you're really gonna leave cuz I'm sleeping" (8pm btw). I tell him I'm having a cig. He told you to leave and you insisted on staying. WTF? And this guy had no intention of taking you out on a date. I go back in lie down, and he says he just wants to lie there without being pawed at. So I sigh. At which point he bolts out of bed and yells at me to leave, or he is gonna call the cops. Says he thinks I just need to leave, that I'm psychotic or something and being drama and he wants to be alone. I don't understand why you didn't leave when he'd been pretty damn clear that he wanted you to leave. What were you doing? I panic. Get dressed and sit there trying to calm him down, put my face in my hands and he says, "I don't care yap it up!" He is really pissed. After awhile he cools down, I ask if he wants me to leave, says it doesn't matter. We sleep. Morning sex. I honestly cannot believe you stayed the night at his house after all that. Talk about wearing out your welcome. The next time a guy tells you to leave, please just leave. Actually...it shouldn't even get to that point. If he's ignoring you and telling you he's sleepy, take it upon yourself to leave. The next day I text and apologize about our fight. He doesn't respond. I say a few more things that he ignores. Did you apologize for staying when he asked you to leave? I actually can't even fault him in this fight because you were the one who didn't leave. The weekend rolls around. Sat night I ask if he wants to get a beer. "Maybe another time I have plans" You continuing to pursue him. By now it should've been crystal clear to you that he was not interested in you. This is the fourth weekend I do not get. So I think something is up. I say "Should I be jealous?" Going on a date" he doesn't respond. This sounds so desperate and pathetic. Of course he's on another date. The next night I send something which he ignores. I ask if I can come over...nothing. Chasing, chasing, chasing. I can't stop cringing on your behalf. So I do a big "no, no" and I went over there. OMG. He opened the door, said it's fine, I obviously had something to say. Said I was sorry. The only thing you should be sorry for is not taking the hint. Asked if he was mad, and if I ruined things. He said yea I ruined things. I asked if we could start over. He said no, you get to know someone and that's it. I said I just wanted to kiss him. We end up having sex. BUT...he makes it real clear that this is all he wants me for. He says it (dirty talk way). The whole thing was incredibly degrading sex. Like he treated me like a whore. It was terrible. And after he gets up puts on his clothes and makes himself a sandwich, and turns the light off on me. My cue to go. So I say something like "seriously?" and he yells back, "what? I'm doing what I want to do? I'm making myself something to eat is that ok?" I kinda laugh and say I'm leaving. He says bye. He told you he didn't want anything with you...and you had sex with him? What were you thinking? Two weeks later I contact him and he doesn't respond. I think you need to leave him alone. I acted crazy and needy and jealous and pissed him off. He was nice when he liked me, then he pinned me for a crazy chick and there was no turning back. ANy insight would help. I am kicking myself. I feel like if I had behaved differently we would be having a blast right now. Look, in your defense, I don't think he was ever that into you, so I don't think it ultimately mattered how you acted. I actually think it would've been over after the first or second hang out, regardless of what you had done. But next time stop chasing and learn to take a hint. You could've saved yourself weeks of wondering, wishing, and hoping. 10
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 haha. Yes yes. Everyone judge me for sleeping with him on the first date. I've waited to sleep with men months into the relationship and still and things go awry. I'm not sure this should be the basis for why this didn't work out. Aw, but now we will never know.
Zahara Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 haha. Yes yes. Everyone judge me for sleeping with him on the first date. I've waited to sleep with men months into the relationship and still and things go awry. I'm not sure this should be the basis for why this didn't work out. Aw, but now we will never know. Why this didn't work is that you have very poor boundaries and you lack self-respect/love for yourself. You use sex to make a man want/like you. You don't believe you have more to offer. It is very apparent. You think sex will entice interest. YOU is why you probably won't be finding healthy relationships.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I feel like you're saying "I played it wrong." I'm saying you need to reevaluate the type of men you're involving yourself with. It sounds like you want to tame a stallion. It's probably very sexually exciting for you. "I'm well within his league." Vomit. His is The League of Undomesticated Housepets. Why would you want to tangle with a guy who doesn't respect women? I know what you're thinking---"but if the right woman came along, he would change his ways." And you want to be that woman? You're that special. I mean, doesn't this come off just a little narcissistic? Is this about him or is it about you? Do you want to find a league to feel good about yourself in or do you want to meet a kind, emotionally responsible man who cares about you? 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 haha. Yes yes. Everyone judge me for sleeping with him on the first date. I've waited to sleep with men months into the relationship and still and things go awry. I'm not sure this should be the basis for why this didn't work out. Aw, but now we will never know. You really disrespected yourself for letting him use you for sex despite him being a complete ******* to you. This guy was NEVER going to be boyfriend material, you pretty much listed all of the reasons for us. You don't need to wait MONTHS to sleep with a guy.... Just don't do it on the first date - especially if you want it to be more than a one time fling. 1
Honeybunnies Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 You gave this guy exactly what he wanted. Once he got it, he was done. He was never going to be your boyfriend. Why did you keep chasing him? He sounds like a total jerk. 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 haha. Yes yes. Everyone judge me for sleeping with him on the first date. I've waited to sleep with men months into the relationship and still and things go awry. I'm not sure this should be the basis for why this didn't work out. Aw, but now we will never know. When I am really into a guy on a first date and I feel we have a connection, I sometimes sleep with them. I slept with a guy on the first date. We met online and he asked to see me a couple of days later. He texted me when I got home after staying at his: " had a great time, cannot wait to see you again xx hope you got home safe Leigh" He has asked me to spend Valentines day with him. He has one day a week off and has cleared his weekend for me. He has said he isn't interested in dating others. First date sex is never a good idea but you know, it does happen, but the guy doesn't always view you as a sex object that he has no respect for afterwards. Some guys are actually into you and they put fourth the effort. Although more often than not, guys lose respect for you and lose interest... This guy showed you from date one that he wasn't that into you....... If he WERE Into you, he would have: - asked you out on a date the next coming weekend - texted and/or called you every day. Doesn't have to be 100 texts a day, just a simple " thinking of you" text per day is fine, and a phone call every couple of days so you can form a bond (which isn't possible with days of not talking...) - he would tell you he cannot wait to see you, or that he is thinking about you or that he "really likes you" - he would make it known that he wasn't really into seeing other women after a week or two If you really are that attractive as you purport, then I am shocked that you acted this crazy. Like, really? WTH were you thinking? Turning up at a guys house is a HUGE, massive no no! It is seriously wrong. It is psycho. Baking cookies for a guy who doesn't even take you out on dates over the weekend is desperate and pathetic. I have made mistakes too in my dating life but I have learnt from them. I urge you to as well.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 OMG I know. I feel yucky about all of this. I got played. I disrespected myself. I was a fool. I am terrible. And I chased him. It wasn't really clear until I wrote things down and got this feedback how screwed up this whole thing was. When you summarize something like this and take out all the emotion things become quite clear don't they. I think the number one reason women shouldn't sleep with men on the first date is because we release a bonding hormone that is strong stuff, and clouds are vision. Is this about me? No. Maybe. But in all fairness I was only defending myself when Revan said I wasn't as cute as him. Was just trying to clarify that. To further clarify, I am aware I am a cute girl. I gots eyes. But that being said, it's apparent I have major insecurities and self esteem issues. So, by no means did I mean to toot my own horn. It was more on an informative level than that. I'm not perfect. And I have some things going on. Which I sincerely appreciate everyone's tough love on. I embrace the challenge. I just wish he had been different. And I thank everyone for helping me analysis this and point out the red flags and where I went wrong. Especially Clia! That was a very helpful breakdown. It's possible I suffer from Anuptaphobia and have lowered myself to this level out of desperation.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 When you sleep with a man on the first date, you have to fully expect him to not take you seriously. Men that do it - are usually after just sex, versus a man who is into you; men who view you as a dating prospect tend to refrain from early sex because they want to make it special and with meaning (they are thinking ahead of time and hoping you can form a proper kind of connection before sex) When I make this mistake (happened twice this year, and I had never previously had first date sex in my life) I NEVER expect the guy to view me as a serious dating prospect. The fact this guy seems into me still is not something I expected, I knew there were consequences to my actions and I was prepared to live with them... It is more the exception than the rule, that a guy you have first date sex with will stick around; they usually don't. I am still not expecting my latest first date sex guy to amount to anything, although so far he seems nice so I am willing to at least SEE how it plays out. Knowing full well the odds are against it working due to first date sex..... The fact this guy was forceful is a huge red flag too... And he had his friends on the date? Another sign he wasn't really into you..... My guys have wanted me all to themselves on the first few dates... 1
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I was so delusional. This sucks.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 And regarding your looks, My current guy told me about a stunning girl he dated not long ago who turned out to have a drinking problem; he swiftly ditched her because her behaviour wasn't acceptable! When my guy left her place at night, due to her crazy antics, she got in her car and chased him, beeping after him! He was like WTH..... Decent men don't care how hot a girl is! They don't tolerate crazy! What you did, baking cookies, showing up at his house, and texting him after a week of not hearing from him to say " you on a date? should I be jealous" are ALL 100% crazy! I think you have learnt your lesson from the sounds of it - well done for being able to admit that you handled this poorly. 4
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 thanks Leigh Yea, I didn't like it. The forceful stuff or the friends. Didn't like it at all. And I think that's where my weak pathetic hopeful desperate romantic whatever! took the reins and I twisted it in my head to believe it could or would be something that it was clearly never going to be. Sure, maybe. There's always a maybe. But I wanted it so bad I didn't even let it organically develop. The turmoil is in not fully knowing. Perhapas I would have had the same results no matter my actions, but I just wish I had never done my part to sabotage it then I'd know he was just a jerk for sure!
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 BUT thats whats killing me, Leigh! So it was my fault! I was crazy bitch and I chased the man away (
Revan32 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Men that do it - are usually after just sex, versus a man who is into you; men who view you as a dating prospect tend to refrain from early sex because they want to make it special and with meaning (they are thinking ahead of time and hoping you can form a proper kind of connection before sex) When I make this mistake (happened twice this year, and I had never previously had first date sex in my life) I NEVER expect the guy to view me as a serious dating prospect. The fact this guy seems into me still is not something I expected, I knew there were consequences to my actions and I was prepared to live with them... It is more the exception than the rule, that a guy you have first date sex with will stick around; they usually don't. I am still not expecting my latest first date sex guy to amount to anything, although so far he seems nice so I am willing to at least SEE how it plays out. Knowing full well the odds are against it working due to first date sex..... I like your posts. It makes me realize how messed up some of my views on dating are. lol I've made my way around so much, that i've developed a fear of dating a girl who's as promiscuous as I have been. So when I first meet a girl, i'll be very aggressive on our first date just to see if she'll sleep with me. Even when sometimes i'm secretly hoping she won't. I figure if I can't get her to put out on the first date, that means most other guys haven't been able to either. Sadly, most girls do in fact put out on first dates. Which doesn't disqualify them for getting serious with, but it does make me lose a lot of interest 90% of the time. Adarling, I'm sure you're a cute chick, but the thing is, there are a lot more cute girls than there are cute guys. I don't know if thats just because girls have higher standards, or genetics play a role... But since there are so few really good looking guys, they really get a lot of options when it comes to women. So you both may be 7's, but he may only settle down for a 9. Don't take it personally. I still recommend you go for someone a little less "hot". By the way, I'd love it if a girl baked me cookies. So good effort! Just not at the right time. 1
PinkCarnations Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Hey since u basically have zero dignity left to lose, I'd go ahead and text him, "sorry for acting like a total crazy. I'm not proud of it. Good luck with (insert online dating site) though." a genuinely crazy person doesn't normally admit to being crazy so maybe that'll let him know that you're actually sane. Granted, he might have already blocked your number at this point.. 1
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 OK. So in conclusion, I AM the crazy chick. He was just being a dude, and gave me all the signs that Iignored, and Iallowed myself to be treated like this and I slept with him and I chased him andI should have know better and not tried to be nice and bake him cookies andI shouldn't have let him use me. Got it.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Dude, can everyone stop with the "looks" comment! It was a side comment, that was generated from a previous post. Everyone seems to be up in arms to me saying I'm cute. SO sorry. That's no the point at all. I merely meant we were on the same playing field or whatever. It seems like veryone wants me to say: he was super hot, way better looking than me, he could **** a million chicks, I'm just some homely little gal who was reaching. So dumb. Get off it. What I meant was all things being equal it came down to our behavior...that's what matters here.
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