How to tell him he hurt my feelings without causing a fight?

[Cheerbabe93]

Yesterday I was over at my guys house. We had sex and watched a movie after.

The thing that got me upset was that basically during the entire movie he was glued to his phone texting someone and not paying attention to me. Well he did rub my hand every once in a while but still.

After the movie ended he was still on his phone and I was looking at the black tv screen for a good 10-15 minutes until he noticed that the movie ended...

 

I didn't say anything because I didn't wanna cause a fight and I didn't wanna be a needy brat (he hates that)

But he kinda hurt my feelings.

 

Should I tell him? If so how? Cause like I said I don't wanna guilt trip him or cause a fight I just wanna let him know that he did kinda hurt my feelings. Also we don't really talk on the phone so should I text him or wait till I see him again in person?

 

If I text him how should I word it so it won't turn into a bigger thing?

 

Ps. I'm in my early 20s and he's in his late 30s

[PaperCrane]

Well, the first step is to find out the why.

 

Why did it hurt you? What did you want from that interaction? Why would that action have made you feel better?

 

There can be a million reasons a guy is glued to his phone. It could be work related, it could be because he's worried about his car and is looking at a way to fix something.

 

It sounds like your hurt comes from a place of insecurity but also from a place of wanting affection. The insecurity is from not voicing your mind, but you should voice it when you find out the why and can articulate it. Men love to make their women happy, but we need to be asked to do something. We can't always know.

[Cheerbabe93]

Well, the first step is to find out the why.

 

Why did it hurt you? What did you want from that interaction? Why would that action have made you feel better?

 

There can be a million reasons a guy is glued to his phone. It could be work related, it could be because he's worried about his car and is looking at a way to fix something.

 

It sounds like your hurt comes from a place of insecurity but also from a place of wanting affection. The insecurity is from not voicing your mind, but you should voice it when you find out the why and can articulate it. Men love to make their women happy, but we need to be asked to do something. We can't always know.

 

 

I'm pretty sure he was talking to other women

[JChristie]

in answer to your question, how do you tell him that his behavior hurt your feelings?

 

i would ask if i could talk to him about something personal. then i would mention that" i enjoy his company a lot. our time together is special to me. that's why i was wondering if we could lay some ground rules while we are on a date.

 

i would love it if we interacted more when we watch a movie and do other things together. "

 

(if he asks what you mean, then mention that he was texting during most of your date the other night. if he gets angry with you for expressing your feelings in this way, then i suspect he isn't that into you.

 

people often use anger as a way to keep an emotional distance with someone. the fact that you mentioned he refers to you as "being a baby" is also a bad sign. if he reallly was into you, he would be willing to hear your side of things and compromise with you about things that are important to both of you.

 

it is possible that he was doing "work" texting during your date. if not, that is rude behavior and it usually means they aren't that into you. sure they like you because your young and willing. and it is an ego boost to have sex with you. and if you really are devoted to him, even though he puts you through hell, he may eventually decide to have a serious relationship with you. but even then, it will likely be an unequal relationship, with him holding much of the power.

 

i suspect that if you started to give out less sex, he would call you even less than he does now.

 

it sounds like you may be just booty call.

BUT if he is interested in your ideas, then that's a great sign that he cares.)

 

good luck. you will make the right choices.

[smackie9]

Hellllloooo dump his ass! He might be there physically but he is not there emotionally.

 

This is why I always say go by their actions. Obviously this relationship ain't so hot. You give him all the control, you can't express your feeling without persecution, and he isn't focusing his attention you. Darlin you are being used, and there is no way telling him anything is going to make him change the way he treats you because he doesn't care.

 

If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. Stop dating these old farts, and stick to someone in your age group. Guys his age don't take girls your age seriously....it's just an ego boost for them.

[Diezel]

I'm pretty sure he was talking to other women

 

And you are wondering how to tell him he hurt your feelings without causing a fight... when he was talking to other women?

[mightycpa]

I'm pretty sure he was talking to other women

 

You know, if this is what you really think, then you should get rid of this guy. He bangs you then 15 minutes later, he's sitting next to you working on his next piece of ass.

 

Let's say you're wrong, and he was working on finding a cure for cancer. It still strikes me as if he's completed one thing on his to-do list and moved on to the next... so if you're looking for some special time after, where you feel like you're basking in the afterglow with him, I'd have to say he doesn't seem interested.

 

I don't know if this is a one-off, or business-as-usual. You should probably forgive one-time, but if it happens regularly, find yourself a new guy. I suspect that a late 30's guy doesn't see an early 20's girl for the interesting conversation. No offense, you just live in two different worlds.

[kendahke]

I'm pretty sure he was talking to other women

 

But you don't know for certain unless you ask him who he was talking to.

 

How long have you two been in a relationship? Is it exclusive and committed or are you one of the group of chicks he talks to?

 

I think that you definitely should say something, but you also need to step back and look at this: You two had sex and afterwards, you expected for him to cuddle you and continue the warm fuzzy feelings you were having after the sex act. He, on the other hand, was done with it and was focusing on someone else at the time. Is this usually the case when you two have sex--that you are wanting affection afterwards and he is wanting distance?

 

Does he know that you want affection afterwards and that he's distance once he's done?

 

Don't expect for him to read your mind. You need to own you voice and speak up for what you want. If it starts a fight or he says no, then you'll know that you've thrown in with the wrong man for what you want out of a relationship.

[clia]

Yesterday I was over at my guys house. We had sex and watched a movie after.

The thing that got me upset was that basically during the entire movie he was glued to his phone texting someone and not paying attention to me. Well he did rub my hand every once in a while but still.

 

The next time this happens, you simply get up and leave. You don't throw a fit or be angry about it. You simply say something along the lines of "I had hoped to spend some time with you tonight, but you seem preoccupied. I will just go home so you can attend to your texting." And that's it.

 

After the movie ended he was still on his phone and I was looking at the black tv screen for a good 10-15 minutes until he noticed that the movie ended...

 

You sat there staring at a black screen for 10-15 minutes?

 

I didn't say anything because I didn't wanna cause a fight and I didn't wanna be a needy brat (he hates that)

But he kinda hurt my feelings.

 

Well, duh. You are there to spend time with him and he ignored you. Your feelings are normal. You shouldn't be afraid to tell him how you feel. You can do it in a way that isn't needy. It seems like you are afraid to set boundaries with him.

 

Should I tell him? If so how? Cause like I said I don't wanna guilt trip him or cause a fight I just wanna let him know that he did kinda hurt my feelings. Also we don't really talk on the phone so should I text him or wait till I see him again in person?

 

If I text him how should I word it so it won't turn into a bigger thing?

 

Ps. I'm in my early 20s and he's in his late 30s

 

I think the time has passed to raise the issue. Just file this away, and the next time it happens (and it will happen again) raise the issue then.

[kendahke]

I suspect that a late 30's guy doesn't see an early 20's girl for the interesting conversation. No offense, you just live in two different worlds.

 

yeah, I would have to agree with this.

[losangelena]

I didn't say anything because I didn't wanna cause a fight and I didn't wanna be a needy brat (he hates that)

 

Can we talk about this, for a second?

 

I cannot count how many times I've read on LS, or heard it in real life even, that women are afraid to voice their concerns for fear of being "needy."

 

Point blank—EVERYONE has needs. Being your authentic self in ANY relationship requires to you HAVE and VOICE your needs. You needing your BF to pay attention to you and be present emotionally is not being "NEEDY," it's being a normal half of a healthy functioning relationship. I remember around Christmas, my BF and I were out at a bar, and they were playing a movie on the TV screens, and he was SO distracted by it. Eventually, I was like, "THAT BOTHERS ME, IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME." I didn't make a scene or anything, but I was hurt. He stopped and apologized and kept apologizing throughout the evening. He didn't get upset or tell me I was being unreasonable.

 

OP, understand this—if this guys considers you to be a "needy brat" when you voice your legitimate feelings, he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Who cares if he "hates it?" If he does, he needs to be upfront and tell you that your relationship energies would be better spent elsewhere.

 

Your age disparity bothers me. Especially in light of how he speaks to you. Smacks of an unhealthy power imbalance.

Edited February 5, 2015 by losangelena

[PaperCrane]

I'm pretty sure he was talking to other women

 

If that is true, then I would leave him. But get to know what happened first. And as others have said, is this the first time or is this the norm?

[Lokin4AReason]

age is just a number IMO .... it either works or doesn't, afraid to say =0/

 

 

I know if an individual is there next to me, that photo w/ have been flung in the next room. I much rather be enjoying the film ...

 

 

it just seems his priorities are not there but else where ( which is uncool )

 

 

the question is, would you want this to continue or saying something now so you know at how you feel ....

 

 

if he is feeling get hurt, its cool. get a bandaid for it. he should at least respect you ....

[d0nnivain]

When somebody is doing something other than paying attention to you, in the moment you need to call them on the behavior. Humor works best for me but that may not be you.

 

If after I just was intimate with a guy, he spent the next few hours on his phone with the OW, I'd be outta there in a heart beat. Why are you so blase about this? Her existence more so then the texting should be making you crazy. For him to throw her in your face like that is horrid.

[kendahke]

age is just a number IMO

 

but life experiences are the crusher...

[Cheerbabe93]

is this the first time or is this the norm?

 

 

 

He is on his phone a lot but that was the first time where he ignored me for such a long time and after sex. Usually we cuddle after.

 

Sometimes when we go on little coffee dates he will be on his phone for a couple minutes then talk to me and then go back to his phone but like I said it has never been THAT extreme.

[losangelena]

I dunno. My BF and I have been together for about five months, and we still try and keep phone usage to a minimum in each others' presence. Just this past weekend, we were at a bar, and I'd taken a photo and was busy instagramming it. He very gently but clearly was like, hey, stop it, I'm here. I apologized and turned off the screen.

 

Again, I know we all have our limits, but this guy is pushing it.

[Cheerbabe93]

We've been dating since late November 2014

[smackie9]

When I go out for a date with my husband, the phone is off limits/ off the table... period. IMO people who have to keep checking their phone when you are out with them is frickin rude.

[PogoStick]

Maybe she has horrible taste in TV/movies.

 

My ex would always insist on "So you think you can Dance?" and horrible Jessica Alba movies. If that's the case then I would check out too. If only I had a smartphone back then, I would have loved to be glued to it during a mindless cliche romcom.

 

And 15 minutes with a black screen? Can't she get off her butt and push a button on a remote? Seriously, who just sits there staring and says nothing for 15 minutes? Why? Because she's testing him and trying to prove a point.

 

That's childish games so she deserves what she is getting. She can have a good adult boyfriend when she decides to behave and communicates like an adult. For now, they deserve each other.

 

And to the post, get up and leave without saying anything!? More childish games. If you have a problem then express it. If you expect men to read your mind then yes, please just get up and leave.

[elaine567]

15 minutes alone with a blank screen pretty sums up your relationship with this guy.

 

Get rid, you are young and could have lots of good guys after you, why are you bothering with this old geezer, old enough to be your dad and who is probably only using you for sex and treats you like a kid.

"I didn't wanna be a needy brat", I wonder who calls you that?

 

If you think he is texting other women, I guess you are probably right.

In your early twenties you could be having a ball with lots of hot guys who will wine you and dine you; not having to watch movies on your own, whilst your "dad" lines up another date. Ugh!!!

[Acacia98]

Cheerbabe, the easiest way to tell if your relationship dynamic is healthy or not is to look at the way you react to situations involving your boyfriend. In your particular case, he did something inconsiderate and your response is to tiptoe around the issue, fearful of offending him. That's not healthy. If your dynamic were healthy, you would feel like it was okay to talk to him about this issue. Even if it turned out you were just being insecure, he would make the effort to understand your insecurity because you are much younger than he is and still trying to find your way in the world. You're not necessarily going to have the self-confidence of somebody who has accumulated as much relationship experience as he probably has.

 

But let's be realistic, you're not just being insecure or clingy. If your suspicion is correct, then he is actually chatting with other women when he should be focusing on spending time with you. That is never a good sign. He's basically telling you that you are not important to him. The "positive" thing about what he is doing is that it is out in the open. So he's giving you enough information to act on. If you're wrong and he's doing something work-related or chatting with buddies, he is still being inconsiderate (as somebody else pointed out), and you should be able to call him out on that.

 

This guy definitely doesn't see you as his equal. And he obviously has a different idea than you do of what's appropriate in relationships. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who respects you and shares your idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, then you're with the wrong person. So you should probably cut your losses and move on.

Edited February 6, 2015 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

That's childish games so she deserves what she is getting. She can have a good adult boyfriend when she decides to behave and communicates like an adult. For now, they deserve each other.

 

@PogoStick, you're being unnecessarily harsh. Perhaps her actions reflect some degree of inexperience and uncertainty, but that's normal. She's young and is still figuring out who she is and how to do relationships. We're not born knowing this stuff. We have to learn it as we go along. And some people have better opportunities for learning relationship skills and self-confidence than others do.

 

If I were her age, I would have behaved similarly because I still wasn't sure how to be assertive. With time and experience, I became more confident, more sure about what I wanted and better at analyzing my own behavior and my boyfriend's behavior objectively.

 

This is a young woman dating an older guy. In an ideal relationship, he would be more emotionally mature than she was and, therefore, in a position to set the tone for the relationship. But this is definitely not an ideal situation: His idea of setting the tone has been to imply that having normal expectations is an insecure and clingy thing to do. So that basically gives him the leeway to do whatever he wants. Moreover, she feels she can't question him even though she's feeling troubled because she probably agreed not to be the "clingy, annoying type." Assuming the accuracy of everything we've read here, the man comes across as a self-centered and manipulative person. Add that to their age difference and she's way out of her depth.

[Cheerbabe93]

Maybe she has horrible taste in TV/movies

 

He actually chose the movie. Not me. It was some typical action movie with Bruce Willis

[MidwestUSA]

Is this the basketball player?

 

You know why he's with you. Not a surprise that he's on the phone lining up other booties.