tolve Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 So totally confused about a friend. We've been friends for like 7 years, 4 of them have been really good friends. I say really good friends but he lives in another city but we talk all the time on the phone. Usually he calls rather than me. He comes down a lot because his home town is where I'm at. Anyway, two months ago he chats to me on the phone and says 'oh this is the year (he meant 2015 coming up) I'm going to get married. Got to find the one'. I'm like 'err ok, but that's a bit of a crazy statement to make.' He's like 'what about you? Where are you at with your love life?' which I didn't really respond to. I mean my love life isn't great and I was kinda confused by all this. Then he goes, 'when are you coming to see me?' I had been to see him before. So, like a month later we get a date in the diary, I go visit him and he goes, 'I want to settle down, meet a girl and settle down. Want to do it in 2015.' And then, 'what are your plans in terms of of your life?' I'm kinda confused and don't know what to say so I go 'errr, I dunno, right now, I'm focusing on this drink'. He then goes 'I know this isn't the best place (we were in this crazy bar) to have this conversation but I mean your love life, what's your timeframe? You looking to settle down anytime soon?' I said 'whenever it happens' and kinda listed the things that I look for in a guy.. lol. Although looking back, he does tick all those boxes, I think he may think he doesn't. Do you think he was hinting at me? A bit about him. Him being a player is like the most hilarious thought. I don't even know when he last had a girlfriend. He's super sweet and kind, but he's not a pushover and he's not shy. I think he's just so focused on his career and he comes from a traditional family where you don't really sow your oats kinda thing so that's where that comes from. Anyway, we chat on the phone. He comes down for Christmas. We meet the day he came down, I cross town to see him. He paid for dinner. Spend ages not bringing this up. Then right at the end he goes, 'what are your plans for 2015? Mine are looking for the relationship.' I go, 'well, I would say that too, but you've bagged it so I gotta think for something else.' He goes, 'nah, you idealise love to much for it to happen to you.' Here's the deal, my feelings are changing towards him. From conversation 1 when it was 1000% platonic I can kinda see something with him now. He's cute, smart and we get on great. The attraction thing suddenly hit me the last time we met. So I think, 'I should see him again before he goes back and just ask him, were you hinting at something that day?' I try and pin him down over the phone but he was being totally vague. He was going to squeeze me in yesterday in-between seeing other friends. But then he asked me to come across town (like hours away) for a one hour meeting so he could run straight to these other guys. I figured we needed more time than a rushed hour to talk about something this important so I said 'rain check for when you come down again.' Dunno when that will be could be months. So questions: was he making some sort of move? Or feeling things out? Or is this a totally normal convo you would have with a friend of 7 years and I'm reading way too much into it. Second, if he likes me why not make time to see me before he skips town again? He know's it'll be a while before he comes down again. And finally, what do I do now I know I like him and want to see if it goes somewhere? Do I bring it up over the phone? Do I drop major hints and wait for him to make a move? Given that he thinks I rejected him ( I was just confused) would that work? I would need to do it soon, I can totally see him doing the internet dating thing in few months. He's not the type to pine after me. lol Thanks guys!
Author tolve Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Oh, we never, ever talk to each other about love lives. He'll sometimes ask, 'how's the love life' but that's like twice in the whole time we've known each other.
blueberrymuffin Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Sounds like he likes you, and is trying to figure out if you feel the same.
Author tolve Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Thanks. Does anybody else have any thoughts? This is driving me nuts!
callingyouuu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I also think he likes you and was feeling things out! Second, if he likes me why not make time to see me before he skips town again? Because he sensed you gave him a vague answer when he was trying to figure out if you were open to a relationship.
angel.eyes Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I disagree. I think he was just talking about what was top of mind for him in his life right now...finding a life partner. We discuss what matters to us and the challenges we're facing with close friends. Look, he hasn't made a move. He's barely making time for you...You had to go see him, and he squeezed you in among all his other friends and various activities. If he were interested, rest assured that he would have set aside time specifically for you, rather than turning you into one of the many friends he had to see on this trip. Guys make an effort when they like you. They make it clear that you're a priority. That's not happening here. Sorry.
Poppygoodwill Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm with angel.eyes. I think he's just talking to you about what's important to him right now. Unless he tries to in some real way, take your friendship into romance, then I wouldn't read anything into it. And BTW - just in case you're tempted to overthink this, and tell yourself he is such a dork that he can't muster the wherewithal to hit on you or declare himself - - the truth is, if he felt that way, he would do it. It would be in a dorky way, but he would still do it. And if he really is such a dork that he can't do that - then it won't matter because he's so unable to express himself that it's moot. Then again - if you are genuinely interested in moving him out of the friendzone - then hit on him. Sit him down and have a heart to heart about how your feelings have developed and evolved from friendship to romance and you're hoping he might feel the same. see what happens. YOu'll know pretty quickly what's what. 1
Author tolve Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 angel eyes, I kinda get what you're saying but maybe this is just me, but I would never have this kind of conversation with someone I had zero interest in. I would be so paranoid they would get the wrong idea.
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You have been friends for 7 years, taking that friendship and moving it into a relationship is a big deal, a huge deal. It is not just the case of two people meeting and the guy says lets date, that needs little courage, because there is usually little riding on it, you say yes, fine if you say no, big deal. Here if you say yes, fantastic. If you say no, potentially 7 years of friendship goes down the pan, as it will be difficult and awkward for both of you then. So he appears to be going very slow and testing the waters. If he mentioned the future just once then I would read nothing into it but he mentioned it 3 times now, so there is obviously some message there. I cannot guarantee he is thinking romantically about you, but I think it is probably so. You need to explore this if you are interested ASAP, as he is ripe for getting married and if it is not you, he will look elsewhere. It would be dreadful for him to meet someone else soon, and before you know it he has asked her to marry him and you have missed your chance. forever. 1
Author tolve Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Elaine567. Awesome response. I think you're right, the reason being - he is acting differently. That means something has changed, right? I also think that he will move on and I need to act if I want something more. The only thing is, I don't know what to do now. If he had just made time to meet me before new years then I was totally intending to ask him bluntly if he had ever thought of "us". But now that I don't know when I'm going to see him again, I don't know what to do. Shall I just tell him over the phone? Or is that too blunt, over the phone or in person? Will it be a a bit weird if I'm suddenly like "Oh, have you thought about you and me getting it together?" Or shall I drop a major hint that I too am looking to settle down (this is true, I just haven't spoken to him about this and had not considered him a potential partner until really recently)? Or I was thinking of next time we speak saying that I had had something important to speak to him about that evening, and would rather do it in person so when can next hang out? He's not a stupid guy so he will guess, I think. Thanks guys! 1
FitChick Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Tell him you are looking for someone like him but someone like him has never asked you out.
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Elaine567. Awesome response. I think you're right, the reason being - he is acting differently. That means something has changed, right? I also think that he will move on and I need to act if I want something more. The only thing is, I don't know what to do now. If he had just made time to meet me before new years then I was totally intending to ask him bluntly if he had ever thought of "us". But now that I don't know when I'm going to see him again, I don't know what to do. Shall I just tell him over the phone? Or is that too blunt, over the phone or in person? Will it be a a bit weird if I'm suddenly like "Oh, have you thought about you and me getting it together?" Or shall I drop a major hint that I too am looking to settle down (this is true, I just haven't spoken to him about this and had not considered him a potential partner until really recently)? Or I was thinking of next time we speak saying that I had had something important to speak to him about that evening, and would rather do it in person so when can next hang out? He's not a stupid guy so he will guess, I think. Thanks guys! i have always felt the straightforward approach is best ...it can sting if it turns south....but its better to know than wonder....I wish you the best....deb
blueberrymuffin Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You can either ask him outright over the phone. Or you can tell him you're looking for a relationship with a guy like him and let him do the rest. If he doesn't make a move though with the second option, will you will be always wondering - what if I had just come out with it? Good luck!
Author tolve Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Thanks guys! I'm going to go ahead and drop a massive hint over the phone. Would something like 'this is the year I'm looking to settle down soon too' be enough? Maybe say something like 'someone I can laugh with and know I get on with'? Like surely he'd put 2 n 2 together and be like 'oh someone to laugh and get one with = a friend = me'? Or to too subtle?
Poppygoodwill Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 YOu've got to be more direct than that. The reason why you're here puzzling away about his intentions is because he's saying the exact same thing you're proposing to say :-) It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he'll likely be as confused as you are - wondering what you may, or may not, mean. Just be direct. Tell him this is your year for romance too.....and you think it might be with him. See what he says. 2
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