A Christian dating a non-Christian

[MapleWish]

So this guy id been sort of seeing for over a month came over last night and we had to have a serious talk. He'd just gone through a divorce and he's recovering from that yet but that wasn't the issue. He'd told me yesterday he talked to his mom, his sister, his pastor and they were all telling him the same thing; he's not ready to date yet since he's still recovering emotionally and he shouldn't date ME because I'm not a Christian.

I'm wondering is that right or even fair? I can't help that I'm not a Christian, I wasn't brought up that way like he was.

But I KNOW in my heart I can be really good for him, he's admitted that, I've helped him through his divorce pain; I'd been helping him emotionally and helping him forget his anxiety so he could sleep. He's grateful for all I've done but he says he just can't go against his convictions, of which he promised that he has to find a mate in a Christian woman.

I did ask him like for EXAMPLE, 2 years from now we're still talking and I've maybe become like his best friend, been there for him through all things but I'm still not a Christian by then, I asked if he would still turn me down. He seemed torn, at the same time he said he'd still love me and see me as a good friend but wouldn't date me cause of that one problem. That being said I'm not unwilling to convert, not for him but FOR ME, I've been through a car accident and the death of my mom and I want that guidance. But my question is solely regarding telling someone you can't date them because of their religion (or lack of religion). And I guess under normal circumstances I would be like "oh well" and turn away because it is my life and won't make changes for anyone but it's scaring how much I'm considering a new way of life for this guy

[CarrieT]

I'd say let him go.

 

For starters, he *isn't* ready to date and that much is obvious. His convictions are his convictions and you shouldn't change who you are for someone else.

 

That said, I am decidedly NOT a Christian (gee, look at my avatar), but married a converted Lutheran last year. Some people can see beyond the religious dogma to the core beliefs. My new husband (and we are in our 50s) knew that my beliefs on how I treat other people and basic philosophies were the same as his, regardless of the titles we put on them and that was sufficient.

 

Others can't do that and shouldn't be forced to if it is a problem for them.

 

You say he just went through a divorce and had a "serious talk" which involved you two as a couple. You are forcing an issue that he is not ready to deal with yet and are compounding it with an idea of trying to become his perfect mate. That is going to back-fire on you when he does get over the divorce. The more you try to push it, the more it is going to cause problems in the future.

 

Back off and date other people. Let him come to a decision on what is right for him in his own time; which may or may not involve having you in his life as a partner.

[J21]

It is an uphill battle from the start.

 

It seems like he has a really strong position on Christianity and you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself to be with him. If two people are meant for each other, they're meant for each other.

 

I certainly understand you like him, but the recent divorce already knocks him out of being a dateable person (mentally, emotionally) at the present time.

 

I understand you like him, but you shouldn't change yourself to be his fit. Also you don't want to make the guy go against his parents, pastor, community, etc. Shouldn't have to fight against so many people to be with someone. You really want to deal with all of that every time?

 

+1 to the let him go

[gaius]

I've dated a couple Christians and always kind of got the vibe their family wasn't too happy with me, one in particular. We dated for a significant amount of time, after we broke up her mom who I never met was in town when we were scheduled to have a friendly dinner and the mom suddenly got tired and decided not to come even though she was invited. Which I took as a snub. =/

 

They never said anything directly to my ex and I was always willing to go to church with her and stuff but it seems like the fact you're not naturally their religion rubs them the wrong way permanently and can be a huge stressor on your partner if they value their family. I would bring up conversion though if you really want to try. You can always go back if it doesn't work out.

[newmoon]

i have heard this recently from someone as well. "you and i could never date because i only date Christian women." so, just go back to that great piece of advice: believe what a guy says. if he said it, he means it, and you're not the one. leave him alone to find what he wants because he is telling you that you aren't it.

[stillafool]

He isn't a bad guy because he only wants to marry a Christian. That is his choice but OP please don't waste your time wanting someone who has made it clear what they want. He wants to be equally yoked with his partner. I would move on if I were you before you get hurt.

[smackie9]

I say this because of my experience dating a Mormon.....don't waste your time!

[d0nnivain]

Religion can be divisive. When one side believes something deeply they have trouble understanding why somebody else doesn't.

 

Religion can be a deal breaker for many people. It's not just Christians who feel this way.

 

You can't change something as important as your own beliefs on a whim, nor should you.

 

Even if everything else is perfect (& it's not), this will tear you apart especially if you have kids.

[ComingInHot]

I fear you will both end up Unequally yoked. This is bigger than you may realize. Listen to what the other posters have written darlin'

[preraph]

I wouldn't date anyone who was under the control of someone as much as he is with his panel of family and pastor. It's true he's probably NOT ready to date again yet. But I think the main issue is he's not doing his own thinking. He's letting others make decisions for him.

 

As for garden variety Christians dating nonChristians, I'm not Christian (though I was raised to be) but most of the guys I've known held a belief in it, but none of them were avid churchgoers, not that serious, not involved in it. It wasn't really a problem because neither of us were extreme.

[katinlc]

For me this would be a deal breaker. I try my best to be a decent Christian and I look for the same in someone I date. I'm looking for long-term and I want someone who wants to raise a family in church and holds the general same beliefs that I do.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with a non-Christian not wanting to date a Christian or a non-smoker refusing to date a smoker. We all have our deal breakers and criteria.

 

 

I think the real issue here is that he is fresh out of a divorce and not ready to date. I would move on because I think he likes you but long term I think this would end up being an issue for the two of you, especially with his family involved.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's grateful for all I've done but he says he just can't go against his convictions, of which he promised that he has to find a mate in a Christian woman.

There it is. This is his choice to make. Sure, he's being influenced by his family and pastor, but that's part of any religious person's lifestyle. The final choice is his, and he has spoken.

 

And yeah, he's nowhere close to ready to get involved with someone so soon after his divorce.

[PogoStick]

I sure hope you don't change your life for him. How about he drops Christianity for you instead?

 

In your position, I would be insulted. According to you, you've been amazing for him, but he's willing to lose you for a stupid (in my opinion) belief system.

 

This also tells me that you have insecurities of your own. Why don't you think you are able to find a great man who shares your beliefs? You can, just as easily as you found this one. Go find the great guy who will value you more than he values an invisible man in the sky.

[BC1980]

Religion is a deal breaker for some and not for others. My first boyfriend was Jewish, and his family didn't like the fact that I wasn't. They were of the mindset that you don't marry a non-Jew, but there are also many Jews who don't feel this way. Same thing with Christians and any other religion.

 

Anyway, I would not continue to date someone of a different religion when he clearly finds it a problem. It will only escalate and become a bigger issue.

[mortensorchid]

Since he brought it up, forget him. If religious beliefs were really a non issue then we'd all be intermarrying with a variety of different religions. But we don't. Sorry to hear that he has given you this talk, but if one's beliefs are one way and yours are another, ain't gonna happen.

 

 

I've dated a few religious guys in the past. Quite honestly, I think they use their religious beliefs to justify their bad behaviors and demands. Some like to say what we are doing (aka sex) is wrong, some like to say that they prayed about things and they were told by God that we were not to be together. I've got some news for you on that revelation (no pun intended): they all feel guilty about it today that they let me go rather than stayed with me and settled for something else.

 

 

Forget this guy. Don't look back, look ahead.

[Gloria25]

I think religion is a deal breaker cuz religion really speaks to a person's core. I mean, that's their belief of a connection (or lack thereof) with a superior being.

 

Also, religions also dictate more than just a belief (i.e. one God or the Trinity). Religions also can dictate roles in relationships, marriage, diet, amount of involvement in the church, community, donations, etc.

 

Now, if you're also looking to marry someone - again, religious preference will become important when you have kids. People are funny once they have kids (well, if they actually give a hoot about the kids). They want the best for their kids, and that often includes the decision as to whether or not religion will taught in the home.

 

So, don't take personal his rejection of you cuz of your faith.