Underthebodhitree Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I feel like there should be a forum that's in between "Dating" and "Marriage and Cohabitation." Anyway. Single parents... how does this work? I was dating a guy for 2 months, he's been working out of town for 5 months now, and he'll be back here in 2 weeks (yay!). I feel like we're pretty stable at this point, but there are a lot of unknowns. He's divorced, but doesn't have kids. I have 3 kids, 11, 9 and 6. They are counting the days until he's back. I feel like I'm failing at the single parent dating thing. Well, the dating is fine, but starting a relationship is a different animal. How do you kind of... roll someone into your life without getting your kids' hopes up that they'll be around forever? It's too late for me to limit interaction between the man and the kids; that would be almost impossible anyway, since I have the kids 98% of the time. How do you handle this stuff? What do you tell your kids? I never seem to have the right words EXCEPT to tell them that he's not trying to be their dad, he's just someone who cares about them and is a friend. And that they don't have to be best friends with him, but they need to be polite and respectful (we had some issues at the beginning. They seem to have gotten over it, and I think the LDR has helped "prep" them for his return." I'm glad they're looking forward to seeing him again, but I don't want them to get too attached. Just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) It can be more difficult with kids involved. I can give you my perspective, as someone who was in a LTR for 3 years with a single parent. My ex had one son, and his first wife had died. The son was 8 yrs. old when we met. I basically let his son take the lead with how much interaction he wanted with me. Basically, I didn't try to force myself on his son or be his BFF. I let him come to me. My ex told him I was his dad's friend for several months, but kids usually figure out it's something more depending on the age. I would let it happen naturally. The fact is that you can't control the future, but I would take it slow where the kids are concerned. My situation was unfortunate with regards to the way it ended. I would never have gotten as close to his son as I did, but I was under the impression we were going to get married, and I was going to adopt his son. The best advice I can give is to end it early if you don't think it has long term potential. My breakup was much harder because of my ex's son being involved, and all of that could have been avoided if my ex had been honest and upfront. As far as incorporating him into your life, just go with the flow. It progresses over time if you allow it to. You basically have to live your life with your children, and, if he wants to be a part of that, he is welcome. You will soon get an idea of how much he wants to accept your children. Don't be surprised if they don't bond to him too closely because most kids don't want their parents to remarry. Expect that. Edited October 28, 2014 by BC1980 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 kids can be more adaptable than adults.....in saying that you cant force kids to accept a guy from the very beginning, thats on them to get to know the kids and for the kids to know them...my kids always treat guys i have dated with respect and courtesy....they have known when a guy doesnt suit me however...its obvious pretty early.....to me first and then to them...for this reason they dont become attached early...whereas i do let potential boyfriends meet my children(they are not children but young adults and adults who have their own minds).....deb to know a childs heart takes time....takes time to know where the scars exist from breakups and those scars exist, no matter how adaptable they are.... acceptance comes quicker when its delivered by a possible guy seeking a long term relationship,and knowing and accepting that a relationship with a mother, always that its a package deal, by that guy being a good and true person, by a guy who stands behinds the words he says is necessary for a child to grow to trust them...time and truth..i believe trust is an issue with children who have gone through break up......just as it is for the woman......fi the woman is true to herself and the guy is true to himself dates...will progress naturally...being on the same page is important...for all........ finding that guy can be the hardest part.....those guys are out there though..i wish you the very best..deb Link to post Share on other sites
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