Chemist Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I have been in a relationship for a bit longer than five years. Of which, six months were good. Then it was a slow spiral to resentment and anger. I am not a big fan of talking about my emotions and I don't really believe in forgiveness, in a sense. I believe in people making mistakes, and that is okay. However, I feel like someone apologizing is completely selfish; it is a way for them to cope with the fact they did something ****ty, they are justifying their actions to themselves. It's okay, he shouldn't be mad, I apologized. I let things go, once, twice... but repeated mistakes just indicate to me, that this is how the person is, and I can accept it or I can distance myself. About 5 months ago, we were put into a LD situation. I have a job in Europe and she came with me. However, she couldn't find work since she didn't speak German and she had to go back to the US. Things were real bad during this time. Finally, I have been able to open up to her and tell her how I really feel. Which is that I don't see a future together because all I can see is the continuation of our bull**** fights over anything and everything. She has finally realized that she was resentful of me and took any excuse out to fight with me. If I wash the dishes with a slightly dirty sponge for her taste (I am not a super clean freak, so our views on acceptable sponges for instance are different), or if I was sweeping the floor when she wanted me to clean the kitchen... These are just some examples of things that turned into excessive fighting matches. Sometimes to the point of physical altercations. No, I didn't punch her, but she would come at me and sometimes I had thrown her to the ground or pushed her hard back against a wall to get her off of me. I always feel a deep pain of regret and shame when I do this, but I really didn't see another option than to take her fury until she calms down. So she realized and wants to change but I have so many reservations. First, I don't know if I can be in love with her anymore. I feel like I have grown so closed off to her emotionally that I can't come back. I don't know if I am capable of forgiveness and forgiving her for a lot of this. I care about her, I do love her, but it's more like an extended history, deep connection, caring.. not this passionately in love feeling and it makes me sad to think about a future without this love that I want. I don't know that she will actually change, it's easy to say this in long distance, but if we went back to living together, would she really be able to relax while I use a dish tower instead of a paper towel to wipe down the counter top? Will she actually listen to my desires for our relationship, from future goals to our sexual relationship? Now, the part where I have become a scumbag. I met someone here and I have a strong instant connection with her. I met her at a party and well I went up to her and asked if I could bum a cig in German. We talked for sometime in German and then she spoke English when I couldn't keep up anymore... that's when the eastern European accent was apparent to me (neither of us being native german speakers made it hard for me to tell this).. Turns out she is from Ukraine, a place I have been and we talked for six hours, the entire party from when we met until when she left. I asked her if she'd like to do something again, and we met about 2 weeks later for dinner. We talked again for another 6 hours. Then I made her dinner about a month later and at which point she started getting a little flirty with me. Touching me and things like this. I didn't tell her about my LD girlfriend. I haven't told my LD girlfriend about her. I don't know what the **** I want, but I know that a future like my past isn't it. This new girl has made it more confusing, am I crazy about her because it's different? She is incredibly kind hearted, having started a charity organization with two friends during obtaining her masters in accounting. She has done it succesfully. She has lost both her parents and is incredibly strong-willed. Something I find very attractive as I have a dad who had a cocaine addiction and drinking problem and a mother who is now homeless because she was a severe alcoholic. I have taken care of myself since I was 14 years old and have successfully earned my PhD in Organic Chemistry. I find her strength to be admirable and she is someone who, when I told her about my parents, didn't pity me but empathized. It's a hard distinction to make, but when you're on the receiving end of the two, you'll appreciate the latter. She is smart, she can speak like 5 languages, understands my work despite being an accountant, and will soon have her masters degree. She is amazingly beautiful, outside of my league attractive. I have no idea what to do with myself. I just know now that I am being dishonest with both of them. I am conflicted between gambling to fix my relationship or pursue this new relationship with a girl who might not even be interested in me at all or may not be as awesome as I think because I am in a ****ty place. Am I so crazy that I can't fix my old relationship? Is there any sort of path I can take to reconcile my dishonesty with this new girl? Should I not tell her about my LD relationship and just call it off? Bah, EMOTIONS! ha. TL;DR LD relationship isn't going well. Infatuated with perceived amazing girl. 30 year old with the emotionally abilities of a child.
Toodaloo Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Simplify it. End LDR. You should have ended it sooner anyway by the sounds of things. Date new girl. 4
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I have been in a relationship for a bit longer than five years. Of which, six months were good. Then it was a slow spiral to resentment and anger. I am not a big fan of talking about my emotions and I don't really believe in forgiveness, in a sense. I believe in people making mistakes, and that is okay. However, I feel like someone apologizing is completely selfish; it is a way for them to cope with the fact they did something ****ty, they are justifying their actions to themselves. It's okay, he shouldn't be mad, I apologized. I let things go, once, twice... but repeated mistakes just indicate to me, that this is how the person is, and I can accept it or I can distance myself. About 5 months ago, we were put into a LD situation. I have a job in Europe and she came with me. However, she couldn't find work since she didn't speak German and she had to go back to the US. Things were real bad during this time. Finally, I have been able to open up to her and tell her how I really feel. Which is that I don't see a future together because all I can see is the continuation of our bull**** fights over anything and everything. She has finally realized that she was resentful of me and took any excuse out to fight with me. If I wash the dishes with a slightly dirty sponge for her taste (I am not a super clean freak, so our views on acceptable sponges for instance are different), or if I was sweeping the floor when she wanted me to clean the kitchen... These are just some examples of things that turned into excessive fighting matches. Sometimes to the point of physical altercations. No, I didn't punch her, but she would come at me and sometimes I had thrown her to the ground or pushed her hard back against a wall to get her off of me. I always feel a deep pain of regret and shame when I do this, but I really didn't see another option than to take her fury until she calms down. So she realized and wants to change but I have so many reservations. First, I don't know if I can be in love with her anymore. I feel like I have grown so closed off to her emotionally that I can't come back. I don't know if I am capable of forgiveness and forgiving her for a lot of this. I care about her, I do love her, but it's more like an extended history, deep connection, caring.. not this passionately in love feeling and it makes me sad to think about a future without this love that I want. I don't know that she will actually change, it's easy to say this in long distance, but if we went back to living together, would she really be able to relax while I use a dish tower instead of a paper towel to wipe down the counter top? Will she actually listen to my desires for our relationship, from future goals to our sexual relationship? Now, the part where I have become a scumbag. I met someone here and I have a strong instant connection with her. I met her at a party and well I went up to her and asked if I could bum a cig in German. We talked for sometime in German and then she spoke English when I couldn't keep up anymore... that's when the eastern European accent was apparent to me (neither of us being native german speakers made it hard for me to tell this).. Turns out she is from Ukraine, a place I have been and we talked for six hours, the entire party from when we met until when she left. I asked her if she'd like to do something again, and we met about 2 weeks later for dinner. We talked again for another 6 hours. Then I made her dinner about a month later and at which point she started getting a little flirty with me. Touching me and things like this. I didn't tell her about my LD girlfriend. I haven't told my LD girlfriend about her. I don't know what the **** I want, but I know that a future like my past isn't it. This new girl has made it more confusing, am I crazy about her because it's different? She is incredibly kind hearted, having started a charity organization with two friends during obtaining her masters in accounting. She has done it succesfully. She has lost both her parents and is incredibly strong-willed. Something I find very attractive as I have a dad who had a cocaine addiction and drinking problem and a mother who is now homeless because she was a severe alcoholic. I have taken care of myself since I was 14 years old and have successfully earned my PhD in Organic Chemistry. I find her strength to be admirable and she is someone who, when I told her about my parents, didn't pity me but empathized. It's a hard distinction to make, but when you're on the receiving end of the two, you'll appreciate the latter. She is smart, she can speak like 5 languages, understands my work despite being an accountant, and will soon have her masters degree. She is amazingly beautiful, outside of my league attractive. I have no idea what to do with myself. I just know now that I am being dishonest with both of them. I am conflicted between gambling to fix my relationship or pursue this new relationship with a girl who might not even be interested in me at all or may not be as awesome as I think because I am in a ****ty place. Am I so crazy that I can't fix my old relationship? Is there any sort of path I can take to reconcile my dishonesty with this new girl? Should I not tell her about my LD relationship and just call it off? Bah, EMOTIONS! ha. TL;DR LD relationship isn't going well. Infatuated with perceived amazing girl. 30 year old with the emotionally abilities of a child. You need to analyze, not dwell on though, the reason(s) that you found yourself interested in another woman. I'd say that you aren't/weren't invested in either woman as much as you thought. Dishonesty is a very difficult thing to do damage control with. You'd have to forgive yourself first. The fact that you are struggling with this at all says you need to step back from both of them.
yololin Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I've been exactly where u are. Almost identical situation with same thought processes. Im 29. In my case I thought I would just have my time with new girl. Keep both sides happy. I knew that I was just infatuated with new girl, but ld girl is where the history and lineage was. I fell for the new girl so hard. One difference was that new girl new about my ld girl. Didn't change anything though. Eventually I let the ld relationship slip. Skype and time difference and sour taste in my mouth...made it easier. I was an ass hole and I loathed myself. Eventually I let both sides go. Reluctantly. And I just felt that this despicable person should be single. I know u can see a lot of the bad. But there must also be good. 6 years is a long time. And you won't find many other girls who can spend 6 years with. Especially as we age. If u throw away a 6 year diary, you'll also be throwing away 6 years of being. It's important now as we are older to think about our future. No rosy playground. Think practically, can you see a very serious future with his girl? Because the infatuation and passion will fade, and u will know that if u prioritise passion in a relatin ship you won't be happy for long. Ask yourself also, if u can be a cheater. It's difficult to be one. To do it well. To be a completely selfish person. I thought I could, but at the end i suffered the most. 1
writergal Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) The solution's simple: end things with your long distant girlfriend (because it's such a volatile connection for you both and is no way a healthy relationship for either of you to be in), and keep things going with this new Ukrainian woman (she sounds like a better fit for you all around). And you're not a scumbag. You're just caught in an awkward situation, so stop beating yourself up. These kinds of situations happen all the time; you're with the wrong person when the right person comes along. I think you should definitely date the Ukrainian woman since you two have so much chemistry, and see where it leads. And you have no reason to feel guilty about this new relationship either, as long as you end your long distant relationship right now. Just be done with it already, because she sounds very toxic to your well-being. Why would you want to "fix" that relationship anyway? It sounds very dysfunctional. And since things are so new with the Ukrainian woman you should tell her that you just ended things with the other woman and want to take it slow with her. I'm sure she'll be empathetic as long as you're honest with her. Your conscience will be eased too, and you'll be able to focus solely on your new relationship when you let go of the dead weight that is your dysfunctional long distant relationship. Edited October 7, 2014 by writergal
mightycpa Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) Sometimes, the purpose of the people we date is for them to make us better people. Isn't that the best thing you can say about somebody? That you're better off for having known them? Sometimes, you're helping to fix that person for the next one to come along. You're a cog in the wheel, you're not the prize at the end. So let the LD go. For the length of time you were together, it would be nice if you could do that in person. You could even make a short surprise visit to wrap things up. As to the new one, from what you've described, you're not a scumbag, at least not yet. You're attracted and you've had her over for dinner. Why are you attracted to her? Who knows? I don't really think it has anything to do with the LDR. I think you're just attracted to her. Is she "The One"? Don't know that either. Too early to tell, but probably not. Most people aren't. Why worry about that? Don't judge yourself too harshly, and don't give this girl your self-judgements. Let her decide who you are. Now go get your personal **** back on track. Edited October 7, 2014 by mightycpa 1
ComingInHot Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Actually the only 'scum baggy' parts of the thread is a.) the only time you are able to talk about how you are 'feeling' is to tell your G/F of 5 years that you see no future with her (honestly that is kind of douchey). & b.) you're either cheating on your G/F or you are going to (again, kind of douchey). SOOOoooo, end the relationship that should have ended eons ago (it's not like you're married right?). Get on with your bad self and live life. BUT DO NOT go back to said G/F if you get 'lonely' alright?!?! because that would be a scummy thing to do to... Good Luck! CIH*
Author Chemist Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 Thanks everyone for the advice. You need to analyze, not dwell on though, the reason(s) that you found yourself interested in another woman. I'd say that you aren't/weren't invested in either woman as much as you thought. Dishonesty is a very difficult thing to do damage control with. You'd have to forgive yourself first. The fact that you are struggling with this at all says you need to step back from both of them. I think I am very interested in the new girl, but just regret the circumstances... I lack clarity, but I really am interested in finding out. I've been exactly where u are. Almost identical situation with same thought processes. Im 29. In my case I thought I would just have my time with new girl. Keep both sides happy. I knew that I was just infatuated with new girl, but ld girl is where the history and lineage was. I fell for the new girl so hard. One difference was that new girl new about my ld girl. Didn't change anything though. Eventually I let the ld relationship slip. Skype and time difference and sour taste in my mouth...made it easier. I was an ass hole and I loathed myself. Eventually I let both sides go. Reluctantly. And I just felt that this despicable person should be single. I know u can see a lot of the bad. But there must also be good. 6 years is a long time. And you won't find many other girls who can spend 6 years with. Especially as we age. If u throw away a 6 year diary, you'll also be throwing away 6 years of being. It's important now as we are older to think about our future. No rosy playground. Think practically, can you see a very serious future with his girl? Because the infatuation and passion will fade, and u will know that if u prioritise passion in a relatin ship you won't be happy for long. Ask yourself also, if u can be a cheater. It's difficult to be one. To do it well. To be a completely selfish person. I thought I could, but at the end i suffered the most. The history is a big thing that weighs in on me. Though, I would not want to stay in a **** relationship in fear of being alone. There was good, which I will discuss further down in response to another answer. The solution's simple: end things with your long distant girlfriend (because it's such a volatile connection for you both and is no way a healthy relationship for either of you to be in), and keep things going with this new Ukrainian woman (she sounds like a better fit for you all around). And you're not a scumbag. You're just caught in an awkward situation, so stop beating yourself up. These kinds of situations happen all the time; you're with the wrong person when the right person comes along. I think you should definitely date the Ukrainian woman since you two have so much chemistry, and see where it leads. And you have no reason to feel guilty about this new relationship either, as long as you end your long distant relationship right now. Just be done with it already, because she sounds very toxic to your well-being. Why would you want to "fix" that relationship anyway? It sounds very dysfunctional. And since things are so new with the Ukrainian woman you should tell her that you just ended things with the other woman and want to take it slow with her. I'm sure she'll be empathetic as long as you're honest with her. Your conscience will be eased too, and you'll be able to focus solely on your new relationship when you let go of the dead weight that is your dysfunctional long distant relationship. I think this is the advice I've received most from real life friends, but was searching for something more objective. These friends know me, and of course they want me to be happy, however, one I had a previous relationship with and maybe she isn't so biased. You're kind, maybe I'm not a scumbag because I haven't physically cheated, but emotionally, I think I am. I cooked her dinner, full date mode. Sometimes, the purpose of the people we date is for them to make us better people. Isn't that the best thing you can say about somebody? That you're better off for having known them? Sometimes, you're helping to fix that person for the next one to come along. You're a cog in the wheel, you're not the prize at the end. So let the LD go. For the length of time you were together, it would be nice if you could do that in person. You could even make a short surprise visit to wrap things up. As to the new one, from what you've described, you're not a scumbag, at least not yet. You're attracted and you've had her over for dinner. Why are you attracted to her? Who knows? I don't really think it has anything to do with the LDR. I think you're just attracted to her. Is she "The One"? Don't know that either. Too early to tell, but probably not. Most people aren't. Why worry about that? Don't judge yourself too harshly, and don't give this girl your self-judgements. Let her decide who you are. Now go get your personal **** back on track. Thanks for your response, I appreciated it. Maybe this is the case. Actually the only 'scum baggy' parts of the thread is a.) the only time you are able to talk about how you are 'feeling' is to tell your G/F of 5 years that you see no future with her (honestly that is kind of douchey). & b.) you're either cheating on your G/F or you are going to (again, kind of douchey). SOOOoooo, end the relationship that should have ended eons ago (it's not like you're married right?). Get on with your bad self and live life. BUT DO NOT go back to said G/F if you get 'lonely' alright?!?! because that would be a scummy thing to do to... Good Luck! CIH* It wasn't the only time I was able to talk to her about it, and it wasn't exactly said just like that. It was more of a when I think about the future, I don't see things getting better, and me being happy enough to want it. I have also told her, and most of what I have left out here, which answers a couple questions of why I would want to fix it, are the good things about our relationship. She is loyal and would defend me in any situation with out doubt. She is like bipolar, she is incredibly loving and nice when she isn't freaking out about insignificant things. We have copious amounts of sex, which is important for me. On the whole, she is a good person but just has these swings in mood that I don't think I can take, nor do I think she can change. I feel like we are both good people who just bring out the worst in each other, not the best.. not to get all cliche. So I have told her these things, not just that I didn't see a future together, but rather why I have hang ups on trying to talk about a future with her. I think in the end, a lot of advice here, and from my friends seems to be that I should know when enough is enough, break up ASAP and then pursue this Ukrainian girl. I will do this. Thanks again for everyone's advice. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 All we can really do here is give you different perspectives and then you can settle on what really works for you. Sometimes just writing it all out, makes it clearer to you. Similar to journaling I'd say. All the best to youl
Downtown Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 She is like bipolar, she is incredibly loving and nice when she isn't freaking out about insignificant things.Chemist, was she diagnosed as having bipolar disorder by a psychologist or psychiatrist? I ask because the event-triggered tantrums you describe are much more characteristic of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 30 year old with the emotional abilities of a child.Again, you are describing a warning sign for BPD, not bipolar. BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) typically have the emotional development of a four year old. This can be hard to believe when you are looking at a woman having the intelligence, knowledge, sex appeal, and body strength of a full-grown adult. It will be evident, however, in the type of ego defenses that person uses. If your LD-GF is a BPDer, she is fully reliant on the primitive defenses available to a young child. These include temper tantrums, denial, projection, magical thinking, and black-white thinking. If you are interested, Chemist, I describe the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW of 15 years) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I suspect that you will find most of the BPD traits -- not the bipolar traits -- to sound very familiar. If so, you will find a more complete list of BPD red flags in my post at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Learning how to spot these warning signs is important so you can avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you are leaving. Take care, Chemist.
Gloria25 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Better watch out Ukraine girl isn't looking for a green card... While you had five years with the gf - I feel like there's no real "depth" there, but that there was probably two people just sticking it out cuz it was "convenient"... With all the fighting with the gf, no doubt a chick being "nice" to you for once is gonna be enticing... Maybe like others said, probably the best thing is to do a break from both chicks so you can get yourself straight.
Author Chemist Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 All we can really do here is give you different perspectives and then you can settle on what really works for you. Sometimes just writing it all out, makes it clearer to you. Similar to journaling I'd say. All the best to youl That is what I came here looking for Thank you. Chemist, was she diagnosed as having bipolar disorder by a psychologist or psychiatrist? I ask because the event-triggered tantrums you describe are much more characteristic of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Again, you are describing a warning sign for BPD, not bipolar. BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) typically have the emotional development of a four year old. This can be hard to believe when you are looking at a woman having the intelligence, knowledge, sex appeal, and body strength of a full-grown adult. It will be evident, however, in the type of ego defenses that person uses. If your LD-GF is a BPDer, she is fully reliant on the primitive defenses available to a young child. These include temper tantrums, denial, projection, magical thinking, and black-white thinking. If you are interested, Chemist, I describe the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW of 15 years) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I suspect that you will find most of the BPD traits -- not the bipolar traits -- to sound very familiar. If so, you will find a more complete list of BPD red flags in my post at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Learning how to spot these warning signs is important so you can avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you are leaving. Take care, Chemist. Thanks for your post and links. I have taken a look at the previous posts. A lot of this sounds similar, and possible I even possess some of these traits. However, I would say that until my gf, I never had such out bursts of anger. Given me some things to ponder. Better watch out Ukraine girl isn't looking for a green card... While you had five years with the gf - I feel like there's no real "depth" there, but that there was probably two people just sticking it out cuz it was "convenient"... With all the fighting with the gf, no doubt a chick being "nice" to you for once is gonna be enticing... Maybe like others said, probably the best thing is to do a break from both chicks so you can get yourself straight. I am usually quite good at reading if someone is genuine or not. She mentioned she'd like to visit the US for a few months, but has expressed no desire to move there. I think the days of eastern Europeans having admiration of American life has passed. She's admirably hardworking, so I really doubt it's looking for free rides. Yeah, I feel like our relationship started so high and neither one of us wanted to admit that it just wasn't working. I should have seen red flags years ago. I should have ended it on several occasions before, but I didn't. Maybe it would be better to take a step back from both girls and focus on myself. I have skeletons in my closet from my childhood. However, I do not want to miss the chance for this new girl, she's got something... So I will just ask her if I can maybe go a little bit slower. I am sure she will be okay with it. Thanks again.
Downtown Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 [it is] possible I even possess some of these [bPD] traits. However, I would say that until my gf, I never had such out bursts of anger.Chemist, you definitely do possess some of the BPD traits. Indeed, you will occasionally exhibit all of them. That is true for every adult on the planet because BPD traits are primitive ego defenses that, at low levels, are essential to our survival. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means it is not something like chickenpox which one "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, BPD traits are behaviors that we all exhibit to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits such traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at such a strong level that they distort her perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. If she does, it would not be surprising that you too will find yourself having outbursts of anger. It is called "picking up fleas." It is very disorienting and stressful to be in a close relationship with a BPDer.
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