MissTrudy Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 My boyfriend’s closest friend is his female coworker, I really like her and I do not feel like she’s trying to poach him or anything like that, but he does invites her to some of our dates…without telling me until we’re there or on our way (he never asks me if she can come, just tells me she's coming). I’ve always handled this extremely well, most of the time it doesn’t bother me and she’s absolutely great, but sometimes I start feeling like I am the third wheel since they’ve known each other for about three years and I’ve only been dating him for about five months. Her ex-boyfriend (she just broke up with him a few weeks ago) is another really close friend of my boyfriend’s, and I know that the three of them did a lot together while those two were dating and he was single, so that may have set the precedent in his mind. He talks about her more than he talks about any of his other friends, it isn’t constant…it is a lot though. Her birthday was a few weeks ago. He spent a lot of time planning what to get her and even asked my help for picking something out. She does photography so he ordered her two canvas prints of photos she took (from a trip that the three of us and another friend did together). Meanwhile, my birthday was yesterday. He knew my birthday was coming up and didn’t ask me until the day before when we were out on a date if I had plans, and if I wanted to go out to dinner. About 30 minutes before he came to pick me up he asked me where I wanted to go. We had a nice time, but the thing is, that’s all he did, and what he did felt rushed and poorly-planned. If I had plans with my friends on my birthday I doubt that he would’ve done anything. This is in contrast to what I did for his birthday, which happened when we were dating for about a month. I took him out to dinner and then surprised him with homemade cake and homemade ice cream. I felt like that was appropriate after one month of dating…but had we been dating longer, I probably would’ve done something more…but the most important thing is that I PLANNED it, even if it was low-key. I know I shouldn’t be making comparisons to what I do for him vs. what he does for me vs. what he does for his friends…but I can’t help feeling that I’m not special to him when I see him planning a co-worker's birthday, going so far to special order her a gift, and then when my birthday comes along, he asks me if I’m free the day before. It’s infuriating. Am I overreacting? do I have reason to be upset? Should I talk to him about this? He’s woefully inexperienced with dating and not really the romantic type, but I’ve seen him invest time in his friend’s birthday and doing stuff for his family (I didn’t really talk about all the great things that he does for his family because in my mind, there is no comparison to how you treat your parents/sisters and how you treat a girlfriend you’ve only been dating for a few months). I don’t want to seem like a gold digger and I want him to have friendships outside of our relationship, and I am glad that I’m becoming friends with his friends, but when things like this happen I just don’t feel like I’m special to him anymore because he isn’t putting effort into showing me he cares.
Toodaloo Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Talk to him - let him know how his actions are making you feel. Tell him what you have told us. He probably has no clue his actions are making you feel this way. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Trust your instincts. Unless you have historically had trust or attachment issues, the odds are your instincts are pretty good. The gift thing is a bigtime tell for me. And it's not even necessarily that he has feelings for her. But he clearly doesn't prioritize you vs. her. I don't know what you say to him - if you put it to him like you say here, he will get defensive and it will be a tough conversation. It is very hard to advocate for yourself on issues like this without sounding petty. And I assure you, you don't sound petty. I talk to a lot of people. In 99.999% of cases, if someone's SO doesn't make them feel like their #1 priority most of the time, theres a real reason for it. I would give it time to evaluate if the relationship is otherwise good, but I wouldn't have deep talks about it, I'd just keep watching, and if he can't make you feel truly valued in the relationship like he does friends and family, given what a sweet girl you seem to be, you'll find someone who does.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Seems suspicious to me. He should be every bit as excited about planning for your birthday as he is one of his friends, even a best friend. The fact that he wasn't too bothered about impressing you and making you feel special and yet she got the star treatment might be a warning sign he has some feelings for her. That's how I'd feel, at least. I had/have a best friend I've been close to for the past twelve years, a month or two ago he finally told me he's been in love with me the whole time and has to now cut contact between us because he's met a new girl and wants to focus on her as best as he can. I genuinely had ABSOLUTELY no idea, I really didn't. He thought I knew and just didn't bring it up because of awkwardness. I did not know, and we've been best friends for all of this time. Because he's my best friend and I love him and want what's best for him I accepted his suggestion of no contact for a few months/longer because I want him to be happy and I hate that being friends with me was causing him so much pain I wasn't aware of. It has devastated me, though, obviously. Weird because I would have shouted until I was blue in the face that we were the poster example of a platonic friendship with brotherly/sisterly feelings and that the thought of either of us 'going there' would fill us both with horror. He did all of this stuff for me but I thought it was out of friendship... usually the people who excite us the most and who we love the most are the ones we want to put a massive amount of effort into. A best friend of a decade would get this from me. A friend of three years wouldn't really get any more than a drink bought from them and a happy birthday card. Bit of a deviation there, sorry. I can see why you're so upset. If your boyfriend had pushed the boat out for both of your birthdays then maybe he's just a generous guy that loves celebrating. But he didn't, he treated yours with very little effort and made a huge effort for her. Also, bringing her on dates? When he should want to get you all alone to spend time being a couple? That's just weird.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 it sure looks like it to me... look at what you have as a whole, and judge about his energy towards you over his with co worker. I think it will be obvious, no matter how things are discussed
preraph Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 You do need to just talk to him and ask him why he's never dated her or whatever and find out what he's really thinking. I wouldn't prioritize the gift thing. My guess is he knows her very well, well enough to know what she likes. They have things in common. I have been that girl before. I was one of the gang who was invited to things and even on the road at times with no romantic involvement with mostly married guys. Later, it did turn out one of them liked me that way, though. But nothing would have happened if his wife hadn't instigated problems in their marriage, best I can tell. Still, he must expect that you will eventually want to have this conversation. But until you talk to him, I wouldn't put my foot down and ban him from his friend. Find out if you were out of the picture, would he try to date his friend or not. Tell him you want him to be honest. I don't think they're doing anything now, but find out if it's coming down the road or not. He may just think of her as one of the guys.
Mrin Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I agree you should talk to him but I'm going to go a slightly different direction than most of the people above. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something radical... Sometimes men just act like clueless idiots with no hidden agenda or ulterior motives. Sometimes men are just completely tone deaf. Sometimes men operate with zero emotional intelligence. And those very same men, might truly love their significant other and just have crummy way of showing it.
Author MissTrudy Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 I have had trust issues in the past (ex cheated on me, non-committal types etc) and that's partly why I am hesitant to do/say something. I don't know how to approach the situation and I'm really trying not to let past experiences to cloud my judgement. The feelings of jealousy have been lingering around for months, mostly under the guise of we're spending a lot of couples time with her (i'd say 25% of the time we go out, she's there, which isn't really a lot...but compare it to the 10% of the time when we go out that I invite my friends along). This whole birthday thing takes the cake though. I feel like I'm his girlfriend, I do lots of nice little things for him, he could at least put in some effort to make it special. I can't lie and say that I wasn't expecting something, or that I'm not a bit disappointed, especially because he asked me to help pick out the photo he gave her. It's like salt in the wound. I wasn't even sure he was going to take me out on my birthday because I hadn't heard from him all day until right before he came over. I don't want to sound unappreciative of what he has done for me, and I don't know if it's appropriate to mention the whole gift thing. I just want to know that I am still special to him, for him to just show it.
Mrin Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 (edited) So let me give you an explanation of how he could have done what he did with the whole birthday thing and doesn't have any ulterior motives. Let's step inside the mind of a dude for a moment shall we? Hmmm, Friend's birthday is coming up. I should do something really nice for her because: Possibility A: I totally forgot her birthday the last three years and feel like an idiot. I am going to make it up to her..., or Possibility B: I used to hang out with Friend all the time and now I am in love with MissTrudy and spend all my time with her. I feel like I am being a bad friend to Friend. So I am going to go all out on her bday so she feels special... or, Possibility C: Friend and I always go big on celebrating each other's birthdays. It is like a "thing" we have between us... or, Possibility D: I went big on Friend's birthday but I am going to do something more subdued for MissTrudy because she knows I love her because I tell her that constantly and take her out and wake her up with kisses in the morning and fix stuff around the house and take the trash out and kill spiders and we do so much together anyhow .... or, Possibility E: OMFG!!!! I totally forgot MissTrudy's birthday because I have only been dating her a short while. And I am bad at remembering things. But I have Friend's birthday seared into my brain because i've known her for years and she talks about it constantly and has a countdown clock to her birthday as a screen saver at work... or, Possibility F: I know Friend really likes to have her birthday celebrated. I know, I think it is odd too but she's a good friend... or, Possibility G: I know Friend is really sad because she's dating a douche and they might break up (which they did) so I don't want her to be sad on her birthday. Possibility H: I'm a dude. I am only capable of going out and planning something for someone once a year. Possibility I: I think Friend might be in trouble at work, I hear there are some layoffs coming. I don't normally do this but I am going to go big for her birthday... or, Possibility J: I've been friends with Friend for 87 bagillion times longer than i've known MissTrudy. She was there for me when I caught my Swedish Bikini Model ex girlfriend having sex with my two guy friends, in my bed and they laughed at me. Or when I got arrested for public urination after I went on a 3 day binge drinking fest, Friend bailed me out. Or when my [insert important relative] died, Friend was there to hold me as I cried. Or that time I wanted to commit suicide because my Swedish Bikini Model ex girlfriend stole my identity, Friend was there to talk me off the ledge. Man I really love Friend as a friend. She's like my best friend... Heh, you get the drift. I had fun writing that. Sorry if I dog piled a bit. Whether any of that is remotely true or not is questionable. The point I am trying to make is that he might have fumbled your birthday for legitimate or at least innocuous reasons. As someone else said, judge him by his totality and entirety rather than just one thing. Edited September 9, 2014 by Mrin
Coil Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Sounds like an inconsiderate jerk. Maybe you should invite a "guy friend" on one of your dates to make a point.
Author MissTrudy Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 Thanks, Mrin. Regarding the birthday stuff, I really don't think he did it on purpose or put much thought into it (which is part of the problem...). His actions generally speak volumes, even if he is quiet around me. Whenever I talk to his friends (including this girl) or family they already know what's going on in my life, even minute details, so I know he must talk about me a lot (or they ask him about me a lot) in a positive light. He plans many of our dates, is rarely last minute, he takes me out to nice restaurants, we do a lot of fun things together around our city, and even though I'm leaving our country for a few months in a few weeks, he already brought tickets to visit me while I'm away. So even though the birthday stuff does hurt, I realize it's petty to bring up, and doesn't really accomplish anything besides making him feel bad about doing something nice for me, especially because he does a lot of nice things and already talks about us doing stuff in the future. Maybe my expectations were high because he usually plans things, and I know he knew my birthday was coming up because he asked me about it a few weeks ago and then again early last week, and that is why I am upset. I'm trying not to be jealous or petty, but it's hard. I never wanted to be that jealous girlfriend type, or dictate how he should be romantic or express his feelings so that i feel love. Yet right now I just can't shake the jealous feeling.
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 So let me give you an explanation of how he could have done what he did with the whole birthday thing and doesn't have any ulterior motives. Let's step inside the mind of a dude for a moment shall we? Hmmm, Friend's birthday is coming up. I should do something really nice for her because: Possibility A: I totally forgot her birthday the last three years and feel like an idiot. I am going to make it up to her..., or Possibility B: I used to hang out with Friend all the time and now I am in love with MissTrudy and spend all my time with her. I feel like I am being a bad friend to Friend. So I am going to go all out on her bday so she feels special... or, Possibility C: Friend and I always go big on celebrating each other's birthdays. It is like a "thing" we have between us... or, Possibility D: I went big on Friend's birthday but I am going to do something more subdued for MissTrudy because she knows I love her because I tell her that constantly and take her out and wake her up with kisses in the morning and fix stuff around the house and take the trash out and kill spiders and we do so much together anyhow .... or, Possibility E: OMFG!!!! I totally forgot MissTrudy's birthday because I have only been dating her a short while. And I am bad at remembering things. But I have Friend's birthday seared into my brain because i've known her for years and she talks about it constantly and has a countdown clock to her birthday as a screen saver at work... or, Possibility F: I know Friend really likes to have her birthday celebrated. I know, I think it is odd too but she's a good friend... or, Possibility G: I know Friend is really sad because she's dating a douche and they might break up (which they did) so I don't want her to be sad on her birthday. Possibility H: I'm a dude. I am only capable of going out and planning something for someone once a year. Possibility I: I think Friend might be in trouble at work, I hear there are some layoffs coming. I don't normally do this but I am going to go big for her birthday... or, Possibility J: I've been friends with Friend for 87 bagillion times longer than i've known MissTrudy. She was there for me when I caught my Swedish Bikini Model ex girlfriend having sex with my two guy friends, in my bed and they laughed at me. Or when I got arrested for public urination after I went on a 3 day binge drinking fest, Friend bailed me out. Or when my [insert important relative] died, Friend was there to hold me as I cried. Or that time I wanted to commit suicide because my Swedish Bikini Model ex girlfriend stole my identity, Friend was there to talk me off the ledge. Man I really love Friend as a friend. She's like my best friend... Heh, you get the drift. I had fun writing that. Sorry if I dog piled a bit. Whether any of that is remotely true or not is questionable. The point I am trying to make is that he might have fumbled your birthday for legitimate or at least innocuous reasons. As someone else said, judge him by his totality and entirety rather than just one thing. Haaaaa hahaha. Yeah. Right. When is the last time you saw a guy who was crazy about a girl, strive to get his female friend a great gift, only to forget about his ... OWN GIRLFRIENDS birthday?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 Haaaaa hahaha. Yeah. Right. When is the last time you saw a guy who was crazy about a girl, strive to get his female friend a great gift, only to forget about his ... OWN GIRLFRIENDS birthday? Agreed. It's not so complicated - his priorities are out of whack for someone in a relationship.
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