Should I have said those things to him?

[GH3]

I just told my boyfriend something about our communication that I'm not sure will have either a bad or good effect on our relationship. It's a problem that began a while before, but about a week ago I had something important to tell him. I told him I would rather tell him over the phone than through FB.

 

I tried calling him and he couldn't answer, but in the morning he sent me a message through Facebook to call him that night.

 

When I called, he didn't answer so I thought "maybe he's just working a little later." I tried a couple hours later but he didn't answer so I just thought "guess he's tired and fell asleep."

 

The next day I tried calling him on my way to class, still no answer, but it was about 10am or 11am I thought he was most likely either still sleeping or at work (his schedule fluctuates).

 

I went to hang out with some friends that night and I decided to call him once more before going. He answered this time.

 

I told him that I thought he wanted me to call yesterday night. He told me that he had no minutes and he fell asleep. We talked about what I needed to tell him.

 

We talked for a while until I had to go meet my friends. He told me to call him when I was done. I finished late so I assumed he would be asleep by then, but I called just to confirm. Since he didn't answer, I just sent him a good night message.

 

The next day I tried contacting him, no answer, the next day no answer. I tried to be rational because it isn't the first time he's gone a day or two without contacting me, but still I was a little disappointed.

 

On Monday, Labor Day, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a man telling me that he found somebody's phone with my number as the last call. He found the name of the person in it and he said my boyfriend's name. All of a sudden I felt way better and thought "oh ok, he just lost his phone"

 

Since he has no computer and mainly uses his phone to access FB, I couldn't directly get a hold him either

 

I tried to get a hold of his parents through facebook and gave them the guy's phone number, so they can at least let him know. (They live a not too far)

 

His dad basically said it's not my problem or a problem for them to solve. His mother thanked me a lot, but couldn't really do anything about it apparently (I assume because she expected me to get his phone and visit him) problem is I live an hour away

 

I called the guy at night and he told me that he still has the phone but he talked to his mother. I said ok and waited the next day. The next day I waited until evening to contact to him again and asked if my boyfriend has ever picked up his phone or contacted him. He said no, so I told him if he didn't pick it up by Friday, I'll go and take it off his hands.

 

At this point I was getting really angry at him for not attempting to contact me at all. Although in the back of my mind, I thought maybe something happened and I would feel really bad if that was the case.

 

I also messaged his roommate earlier that week, but no response. He accepted my friend request the next day though, so I just asked him if he told my boyfriend.

 

He messaged me back saying "I just mentioned it to him, sorry, I didn't know if I was supposed to keep it a secret" (I... I was confused because I clearly said tell him someone has my boyfriend's phone and they want to give it back, this is his number...)

 

He then told me to tell the man to drop it off or call this number...

 

I wanted to speak to him because he kept telling me he was confused, so I called his number, the conversation went as following:

 

Me: hello?

 

Him: it's me.

 

Me: (started explaining right away) a guy found "my boyfriend's name" phone he wants to give it back, I sent the number. Please tell him because if I have to go down there to give it to him I will not be very happy.

 

(Forgot what was said after because I just kept explaining with him asking questions that I just explained until I heard the following

 

Him: Aww! You were all sad and mopey.

 

(At this point, I realized I was actually talking to my boyfriend, apparently his roommate let him use his phone, so he also had access to his roommate's facebook account)

 

Side note: at this point I realized that he definitely had a way to contact me, because I actually called his roommate before).. And so I exploded..

 

Me: Well I wasn't mopey or sad, I was actually PISSED!!!

 

Him: yeah I know, sorry I didn't contact you, but I lost my phone, I had no gas, and ....

 

Me: Library. (Which is walking distance)

 

Him: yeah but I don't really like to go there...

 

Me: I don't care!

 

Him: I know but...

 

Me: just stop talking! Don't give me any excuses and don't ever go days without contacting me!

 

Him: yeah, well (he was starting to say something here, usually I let him give me the excuse, but not then)

 

Me: Ever!

 

Him: okay.

 

Me: love you, bye. (I tried to sound consistently angry here lol)

 

When he got his phone back, he messages me that he got it.

 

 

The next day, he messages me good morning. (He usually doesn't message me back to back)

 

Then again at night, even got to talk to him on the phone.

 

Sounds like everything is good, right? But for some reason in the back of my mind I feel like I might have created some distance between us. Although he's been messaging me more for about two days, I keep wondering if yelling at him like that did more harm than good because I've never really lashed out at him like that before.

 

I didn't want to get angry at him, but I felt like he wasn't making that much of an effort to communicate with me and usually sounds uninterested unless we are seeing each other in person. Also, whenever I brought it up in the past calmly, he either treated it like a joke or gave me a lot of excuses like, too tired in the mornings, I already think of you all the time, I'm busy etc.

 

I mean I know he has to work and run a few errands every now and then, but I never liked that he would go days without saying anything. And it actually upsets me more that I had to yell at him so that he would understand.

 

So is there some kind of consequence that usually follows after you blow up on your boyfriend?

 

I don't want to turn into the crazy, angry girlfriend that he'll get bored of soon.

[Mantha03]

You had every right to be upset. I would have been infuriated. Maybe yelling at him was not a good idea but you are human it happens. It seems he is messaging you more to make up for it. I understand where you are coming from with communication issues my bf is in the military, firefighter, single father and is a realtor so he is extremely busy. I never yelled at him even though sometimes I really felt like it. I would just calmly tell him my concerns and tell him what I needed and he would fix it. Men are oblivious, you can tell them your concerns but most of the time they will fix it in their own way which may not suit you so tell him exactly what you need. By yelling at him you may have caused a little distance but he is still making an effort so there is always next time to handle it a little better. Give him time to fix it, if he has a busy schedule that is something you have to accept but in no circumstances should he go days without contacting you. (Unless he is deployed military).

[GH3]

Thanks, but I'm not sure what to do to get across to him. His mother actually told me something similar even though she doesn't know anything about our relationship other than that I'm dating her son. She told me that he'd give me whatever I needed because he really cares about me, but I know that they don't really talk much. So I'm wondering what kind of conversations they have that would give her any kind of clue to what is going on lol. In general, he seems to like to avoid things that he doesn't like even a little bit. I'm afraid of becoming one of those things. :/

[d0nnivain]

Can you say drama much? Your behavior would have me running for the hills. You didn't hear from him so you called his parents? I'd never speak to you again.

 

You ONLY live an hour away. If you were that freaking concerned you should have driven to his house.

 

He doesn't sound like he's worth all the effort & angst you are putting into this but your behavior was over the top.

[ThorntonMelon]

GH -

 

I am going to make a small leap of faith her based only on what you've sent me.

 

You didn't go far enough in your disapproval. It's 2014. There are plenty of ways for someone to communicate. Email, facebook, text from friends phone, etc. Everyone on earth has wi-fi and access to a computer.

 

#1- why in the world are you negotiating with a stranger to get your boyfriend's phone back? Is your boyfriend that helpless?

 

#2 - Obviously he's way more of a priority to you, than you are to him. For better or worse, that is the reality of your situation.

 

You need to stop talking to his parents, and you need to treat yourself like a prize. Right now you're acting lucky that this guy who can't afford gas, won't get off his butt to get his lost cell phone, and sounds like a general life loser is interested in you.

 

I can tell you where this story ends. You marry him, knowing that if you love him like only you can, he'll change. He won't change. You'll pop out a kid. He won't change. You'll think about getting divorced, but won't because you're trapped at that point. Probably pop out a second kid thinking it will get better. It won't. At some point a neighbor or co-worker will show you some attention. You'll reject it at first but eventually realize you like it. Next think you know you'll be on the infidelity board.

 

Forecasting a little, but do yourself a favor. Give him an ultimatum of how he needs to treat you, and then when he fails, find someone who will.

[Gaeta]

HE created distance, not you.

 

I remember having a boyfriend that lost his phone and did not contact me for 4 days. When he finally called me I broke up with him. I said: I am sorry but this is not how I wish to be treated.

 

Your boyfriend is laughing at you in your face.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Is there actually any evidence to suggest that he really did lose his phone? Sounds like he got a friend to call you and tell you he'd lost his phone so that he didn't have to speak to you until he wanted to. The main reason I'm suspicious is because when you spoke to his parents they said 'this isn't our problem to solve', which is the fishiest response ever. If it really had been a lost phone they'd have said 'oh, thanks for letting us know!' but their response suggests a '*sigh* don't drag us into your dramas' and that they didn't actually want to dob their son in by admitting they knew he hadn't lost it after all.

 

Either way, do you really wanna be with somebody who puts so little effort into your relationship? I've never ever had a relationship where we went an entire day, and night, without being in touch at least via a few texts if nothing else. When someone is into you they want to hear from you, they want to get in touch with you. You don't leave them stressing out wondering how you feel, they KNOW how you feel because you're showing it each day.

 

If anything, your boyfriend was probably surprised you finally stood up for yourself, although if you keep seeing him he'll know he can get away with what he wants and you'll stick around. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to hear from your partner. Especially if they evaporate for a day or two and you start to get worried about their safety.

 

I wasted the years of 18-22 with a guy who wasn't really all that bothered about keeping me around. We'd sleep over maybe once or twice a week for that entire period, he would often prefer to play video games or skateboard or go out drinking with his friends than see me. He never once bought me dinner. Even he texted me every day!

[ExpatInItaly]

Is there actually any evidence to suggest that he really did lose his phone? Sounds like he got a friend to call you and tell you he'd lost his phone so that he didn't have to speak to you until he wanted to. The main reason I'm suspicious is because when you spoke to his parents they said 'this isn't our problem to solve', which is the fishiest response ever. If it really had been a lost phone they'd have said 'oh, thanks for letting us know!' but their response suggests a '*sigh* don't drag us into your dramas' and that they didn't actually want to dob their son in by admitting they knew he hadn't lost it after all.

 

Either way, do you really wanna be with somebody who puts so little effort into your relationship? I've never ever had a relationship where we went an entire day, and night, without being in touch at least via a few texts if nothing else. When someone is into you they want to hear from you, they want to get in touch with you. You don't leave them stressing out wondering how you feel, they KNOW how you feel because you're showing it each day.

 

If anything, your boyfriend was probably surprised you finally stood up for yourself, although if you keep seeing him he'll know he can get away with what he wants and you'll stick around. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to hear from your partner. Especially if they evaporate for a day or two and you start to get worried about their safety.

 

I wasted the years of 18-22 with a guy who wasn't really all that bothered about keeping me around. We'd sleep over maybe once or twice a week for that entire period, he would often prefer to play video games or skateboard or go out drinking with his friends than see me. He never once bought me dinner. Even he texted me every day!

 

Have to say that this crossed my mind too. His father's response is very strange and abrupt. I can't make sense of that. What exactly did you say in your message to them?

[Strength in Healing]

So you go days without talking?

 

What?

 

This 'relationship' wins the Dysfunction award.

[MissBee]

Can you say drama much? Your behavior would have me running for the hills. You didn't hear from him so you called his parents? I'd never speak to you again.

 

That's not what happened.

 

She didn't call his parents because she didn't hear from him. She called because he lost his phone and the person who found it called her, but since his folks live nearer to him than she does,she called to give them the contact info of the guy who found it so that they could pick it up or let the bf know since she had no other way of contacting him and they live close by so it would be easier for them to just pop by his house and let him know his phone was found. Granted, maybe I'd have tried to contact the roommate first (which she eventually did) before the parents, but still...it wasn't a case of her being deranged and calling them just because she hadn't heard from him.

 

In any event her boyfriend's behavior is totally inconsiderate. I am one who tends to worry and while I don't need an update on the hour, every hour, I do like to hear from my bf at least once a day, even if just a text, to know all is well. Going days and days without contacting me is UNACCEPTABLE! The fact that he just seems so nonchalant and come to find out even with his lost phone he could have used his roommate's phone to let her know he was fine is totally inconsiderate. If I lost my phone I can't fathom going for 4 days without ever trying to email, FB, snail mail my bf or call from someone else's phone just to let him know I'm not dead in a ditch. I don't think that's too much to ask.

[clia]

I didn't want to get angry at him, but I felt like he wasn't making that much of an effort to communicate with me and usually sounds uninterested unless we are seeing each other in person. Also, whenever I brought it up in the past calmly, he either treated it like a joke or gave me a lot of excuses like, too tired in the mornings, I already think of you all the time, I'm busy etc.

 

I mean I know he has to work and run a few errands every now and then, but I never liked that he would go days without saying anything. And it actually upsets me more that I had to yell at him so that he would understand.

 

So is there some kind of consequence that usually follows after you blow up on your boyfriend?

 

I don't want to turn into the crazy, angry girlfriend that he'll get bored of soon.

 

I don't understand why you are afraid he will get bored of you. He goes days without contacting you and ignores when you call? He doesn't seem that into you at all. His actions seem like he is dating other women. How long have you been dating him?

[GH3]

Have to say that this crossed my mind too. His father's response is very strange and abrupt. I can't make sense of that. What exactly did you say in your message to them?

 

I just told him "can you tell (my bf/ his son) that someone found his phone? Their number is...."

[GH3]

I don't understand why you are afraid he will get bored of you. He goes days without contacting you and ignores when you call? He doesn't seem that into you at all. His actions seem like he is dating other women. How long have you been dating him?

 

Well let me clarify something for everyone, he does work two jobs so I under stand if he goes a day with out messaging me because he works 12 hours sometimes. I just don't like when more than a day goes by, usually it's just two, but the expectation I just put forth for him is not to go days without contacting me (as I stated: Ever!). He's been cooperative so far. I was just concerned because I have a lot of patience for people in general, but when I start yelling and getting angry I tend to be irrational at times.

 

I know he has to work to support himself, but as Miss Bee concluded I'm not happy with no contact for more than a day. Yes, his computer is broken and yes, he can only use the limited data on his phone to contact me, however, I tell him that he can just call me and I believe, his roommate has a desktop out in the living room, the library as a last resort for these type of situations. In general, he doesn't seem to think too much into things is the problem though (he's a little impulsive).

 

Also no I'm not in high school I'm a sophomore in University (I'm always busy... And broke, so driving to him was a last resort if anything) , but this is my first relationship (we've dated a year now) and it wasn't like this throughout, it was just after he moved out on his own. As far as his parents, they seem to just want him to do his own thing which is most likely why they usually don't much.

Edited September 6, 2014 by GH3

[preraph]

Well, the person with his phone called you, so you did what you could to contact him. He should have contacted you eventually in my opinion and it serves him right he didn't get his phone back anytime soon. I wouldn't take blame for all this. I believe you don't recontact when someone doesn't answer your contact, but in this case a guy called you with his phone, so you had to contact him and he made it difficult.

[MoreCoffee]

Um, yeah. Pretty much unacceptable.

Has he always been this much of a flake?

[GH3]

Um, yeah. Pretty much unacceptable.

Has he always been this much of a flake?

 

No, he's a good guy in many aspects: he cares about helping people, he always looks for a reason to be happy and he's really humble. It's just that recently he relaxed a lot with communicating with me.

 

I noticed he has a pattern with people, he gets really involved and then he relaxes. Some examples are his ex and his former best friend (I assume). Him and his best friend used to hang out a lot, before he met me and they were friends for five years.. And then when I asked about his friend one day, he told me that he hasn't seen him in almost a month and still hasn't seen him since (which has been several months now).

 

Him and his ex broke up because he got caught up with school and so they drifted apart (as far as I know from him at least). This I wasn't worried about it because he said that although he was head-over-heels for her, he didn't love her because he didn't feel like she actually loved him and that he knows that I love him. I guess ever since the communication issues started, it's in the back of my mind. Now I'm not sure if something similar will happen. I know that there more to the story and I shouldn't worry, but I don't have enough closure to confirm anything.

[GH3]

I'm just not sure how to talk to him about how I feel.