People who have been divorced

[Dork Vader]

A question I saw on here earlier made me think a bit about my current relationship.

 

 

That said the woman I am currently talking too.. She went through a fairly nasty divorce. The guy left her with nothing. She could have fought for more but did not, she just wanted the marriage to be over.

 

 

When we were first started dating she told me she is unsure of ever getting married again. She's also said she likely doesn't want to have kids.

 

 

At some point in the relationship her opinion on marriage started to change and she started to be a bit more open to the idea. She even told some of my friends we were going to get married some day. Relationship ends we are sort of back at square one.. She told me she is unsure of wanting to get married again and so on.

 

 

I want to get married at some point in the future. I understand why she is hesitant about getting married again. A lot of it stems from the fears/damage from her ex. I'm not going to pop the question if I did it would be at least a year from now.

 

 

She's only been divorced a year and I'm the first real relationship she has had since that divorce.

 

 

I'm comfortable giving things 3-6 months and talking to her about it then. If her opinion is unchanged moving on.. Opinions?

 

 

The kids is sort of a non issue. I don't think I can have kids. I also don't know if I want any she knows all of this. I'm going to have a fertility test done so I know for certain.

[carhill]

IMO, just keep showing up until you don't want to show up anymore, or she doesn't. If marriage and divorce taught me anything, it's to live in the now. If the now is fulfilling and positive, go with that. If it changes in the future, that's OK!

 

She's already communicated, in this short time, a quantum change in perspective. IMO, completely normal for someone who's fresh out of a divorce. Expect more of it. Like a lifetime of more. You can choose to do your own thing or roll with it. Your choice.

[Dork Vader]

Yeah that is kind of what I thought. I have no issue with it and completely understand where she is coming from.

 

 

I'm not saying I want to marry her right now. But if a year from now things are going well I'd want to pop the question. I'll give it some time and see how things are going.. As long as I feel the relationship is progressing I'm okay.

[carhill]

It's also valid and valuable to accept that you can change your mind at any time too. You're not locked into some linear path of thought and emotion simply because you've been dating for awhile. We're all adults. We've all dealt with 'stuff'. Life goes on. Enjoy the now.

[PogoStick]

I (a man) had an unhealthy marriage and a non-nasty divorce of 6 years. I'm 5 years post-divorce and feel no need to get married again. The first round, myself and most people (even successful marriages) probably rush into marriage too soon. That bug is out of my system.

 

However, I'm not anti-marriage, but my threshold is MUCH higher now. If a girl really wins me over then I'll go for it, but it will likely take years (3+) before I'd feel up for it. To me, your timeframe of 3-6 months would be too short, but I'm not living your situation to know how the relationship feels.

 

You'll have to ask her to be honest about her expectations. You have to decide if and when it becomes a deal-breaker if she holds firm.

[Clockwork]

I knew I was going to marry my wife after two weeks of dating. I actually told her that very boldly and she liked hearing it. What a gamble, but it paid off. 18 months later we were married. Believe me, if she is the "one" you'll know right away and it doesn't sound like she is.

 

However, this girl got divorced. It is one thing to be divorced once. It is another thing to have two failed marriages. Once can mean that it wasn't all you, twice means that the common denominator is you and there are issues you have to look over. This girl probably doesn't want to be divorced twice so she won't rush into things, I am guessing.

 

As for kids, who knows. I have a relative who claimed she never wanted kids. 7 kids later..............not kidding. So just goes to show you things can change, but make sure you have the same wants. That is a major deal breaker with having kids. You don't get married and THEN discuss it.

[mightycpa]

I wonder if it is wise to marry a divorced person if you've never been married. It seems to me that the relationship would be uneven, in that the married person would have sort of a "been there, done that" perspective, while the other partner was engaged in first time discovery.

 

For me at least, I wanted someone who was even with me, that didn't have more experience than I did. So that meant no divorcees, and no children. Depending on your age, that might really close down your options, but I wonder if you've ever considered that?

[Dork Vader]

A lot of great advice here.

 

1. At some point when we first met I was questioning if she was the one. Then things got difficult. That aside I still see potential to have a future with her.

 

2. Yeah the time frame is likely short. 3-6 months is fairly quick. But I'm 30 and I don't want to be 35 and ending a relationship because she wont marry me.

 

At the very least I'd like a wife some day. Possibly a family but that again I'm unsure of. I'm going to find out if I can have kids first before I go any further with that thought.

 

I think in 6 months if all is going well I can ask if she'd even consider it. If the answer is no I'll know to move on.

[Gaeta]

I was married then divorced and I also lived common law with a man without being married. BOTH cases were hard to undo at the end of the relationship. Even though I was not married to the latest man we own a house together, cars, credit cards, loans, etc.

 

I also lost everything in my divorce because I just wanted to GO. I signed everything over to him so he'd let me go. I never regretted. Would I marry again? yes with a good and fair pre-nup.

[longjohn]

I was married for almost 3 years and separated after 2. All in all it wasn't as bad as it is for some. We split our assets, took a car each and split the furniture then went our own ways. It was a mutual split and luckily we where adult about it however came very close to an all out bitter fight. I'd only marry again with prenup, I got away lucky that time next time might not work out so well.