Infuriating friend situation

[ktya]

Ok so I met this 25 year old hottie in a bar (I'm 37) day gamed her and everything at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Brought her back to my place and we spent 3 days straight together had an absolute blast. I then went camping and hooked up with her right after I got back and then we spent 9 days straight together. She even had a boyfriend who she dumped while she was here at my house (there were some serious issues between them that wouldnt go away that had nothing to do with me).

 

We got to the point of the "i love yous" and we were hurtling a million miles an hour towards a relationship. This is meaningful because I've been dating like 9 girls casually and I had no intention of getting into another relationship but me and this girl were like carbon copies of eachother and the reason we spent so much time straight together was because we were both having an absolute blast.

 

Well a couple days ago she's still here and I was trying to convince her to come up to my boat with me as my vacation starts today and there's a big regatta and dock party. She was a bit concerned about being so far from home in case something went wrong but was thinking about it.

 

Well that night my friend apparently had some sort of sit down with her (he was basically homeless and had been hanging around my place for 3-4 days). I was getting annoyed and after an hour and a half came inside and said that this private conversation had to end. An hour later I went to come in and break it up and she stood up and basically told me she was going to break it off for me and wouldnt be coming to my boat and that "things arent going to work between us". She then made mention of something to do with my ex girlfriend and why she broke up with me. The "friend" at this time beelined downstairs.

 

I knew right away that this must have been some junk he was talking to her about because I broke up with my ex 8 months ago. I told her I was going to kick the f.ucker out of my house and she tried to stop me. I pushed her aside and went downstairs and told him to GTFO. By the time I got back upstairs she had grabbed her purse and left. I had a stern talk with this "friend" and he was saying he was trying to help and I was like WTF whatever you were "helping" with obviously had the opposite effect because now she was gone.

 

I took off to where I figured she would be and guessed right, she was at a bar and had gotten some random dudes to buy her a drink (she's hot, she probably didnt even have to ask). I tried to get her to come back and she said no way. I asked for 5 minutes of her time to talk to her and she told me to get lost and went to the ladies room so I left.

 

I then came back and demanded to know from my "friend" just what exactly he was talking to her about. Bear in mind that just three hours earlier she was sitting with her legs in my lap and holding my hand and we had spent 9 days straight enjoying eachother.

 

He tells me he was trying to help and my roommate who overheard his conversation with her texted me and told me he was lying. I called him on it and eventually she burst out of her room because she couldn't stand it anymore.

 

Apparently he told her that she could do better than me, that she shouldn't go to my boat with me because it would be a gong show, told her that I am not ready for a relationship and neither is she because we both have issues, said that I'm a dog who is seeing all these women and I will only break her heart, blablabla. My room mate gave him hell for over an hour and she's Jamacian so she verbally shredded him. He tried to play that he couldn't remember saying anything like that.

 

I just told him to GTFO of my house immediately. This is not the first transgression this jackass has made, he tried to kiss my ex gf while she was living with me before we broke up (I didnt find out until after we broke up). I was racking my brain as to why the hell he would do this to me because I was obviously tremendously happy with this girl- the only thing I could surmise is that he wanted to talk her out of going to my boat with me so that the jackass could linger around here staying here for free and get a chance with her, probably to try to bang my own girl in my own house in my own bed.

 

Complicating matters is that the girl's phone was out of minutes and she had no money to pay the bill. She left some things here including her favorite sunglasses, phone charger and some clothes. I paid her phone bill as it was only $30 and I told her before all of this exploded that after I got paid I would see about getting her phone back online so we could stay in touch. Her phone is obviously dead and she has no charger so I dont know when she'll realize that her phone is back online.

 

I'm hoping for the best that maybe she will come to get her stuff and I'll get a chance to clear things up with her before I go to my boat on my vacation. I have to plan for the worst too, that I may never see her again.

 

My friends and family say to keep trying the girl and knock out the ex-friend. Given that both of his transgressions were when he was staying here on my charity I agree with them although I'll stop short at actually knocking him out but he sure as hell isnt welcome here anymore.

 

Everything was going great until this jackass had this conversation with her and afterwards it was right off the rails. I spent 11 days with her out of the last 13 and we had a great time. Any advice? FYI she is a firecracker half spanish.

[marcjb]

There is so much wrong with your situation, I don't even know where to begin...

[marcjb]

There is just too much irony here. OP, take a very long, good look in the mirror.

[longjohn]

Sorry to hear this man. My advice is to stick to one woman at a time vs juggling 9 of them around like it's a circus act. You have to think about how women would see this if they knew. They'd label you a player while running at Olympic speed out the door lol.

[ktya]

Sorry to hear this man. My advice is to stick to one woman at a time vs juggling 9 of them around like it's a circus act. You have to think about how women would see this if they knew. They'd label you a player while running at Olympic speed out the door lol.

 

Actually I have been casually dating them and they all know I'm seeing other people and they are too. Not every girl wants a relationship. This was never a problem with this girl either as she knew from the get go. The only time a problem popped up was when this "friend" had this long chat with her in the final 3 hours out of 11 days.

[marcjb]

Either way it sounds like Karma finally caught up with you.

[SYLLPalmer]

Ok so I met this 25 year old hottie in a bar (I'm 37) day gamed her and everything at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Brought her back to my place and we spent 3 days straight together had an absolute blast. I then went camping and hooked up with her right after I got back and then we spent 9 days straight together. She even had a boyfriend who she dumped while she was here at my house (there were some serious issues between them that wouldnt go away that had nothing to do with me).

 

We got to the point of the "i love yous" and we were hurtling a million miles an hour towards a relationship. This is meaningful because I've been dating like 9 girls casually and I had no intention of getting into another relationship but me and this girl were like carbon copies of eachother and the reason we spent so much time straight together was because we were both having an absolute blast.

 

Well a couple days ago she's still here and I was trying to convince her to come up to my boat with me as my vacation starts today and there's a big regatta and dock party. She was a bit concerned about being so far from home in case something went wrong but was thinking about it.

 

Well that night my friend apparently had some sort of sit down with her (he was basically homeless and had been hanging around my place for 3-4 days). I was getting annoyed and after an hour and a half came inside and said that this private conversation had to end. An hour later I went to come in and break it up and she stood up and basically told me she was going to break it off for me and wouldnt be coming to my boat and that "things arent going to work between us". She then made mention of something to do with my ex girlfriend and why she broke up with me. The "friend" at this time beelined downstairs.

 

I knew right away that this must have been some junk he was talking to her about because I broke up with my ex 8 months ago. I told her I was going to kick the f.ucker out of my house and she tried to stop me. I pushed her aside and went downstairs and told him to GTFO. By the time I got back upstairs she had grabbed her purse and left. I had a stern talk with this "friend" and he was saying he was trying to help and I was like WTF whatever you were "helping" with obviously had the opposite effect because now she was gone.

 

I took off to where I figured she would be and guessed right, she was at a bar and had gotten some random dudes to buy her a drink (she's hot, she probably didnt even have to ask). I tried to get her to come back and she said no way. I asked for 5 minutes of her time to talk to her and she told me to get lost and went to the ladies room so I left.

 

I then came back and demanded to know from my "friend" just what exactly he was talking to her about. Bear in mind that just three hours earlier she was sitting with her legs in my lap and holding my hand and we had spent 9 days straight enjoying eachother.

 

He tells me he was trying to help and my roommate who overheard his conversation with her texted me and told me he was lying. I called him on it and eventually she burst out of her room because she couldn't stand it anymore.

 

Apparently he told her that she could do better than me, that she shouldn't go to my boat with me because it would be a gong show, told her that I am not ready for a relationship and neither is she because we both have issues, said that I'm a dog who is seeing all these women and I will only break her heart, blablabla. My room mate gave him hell for over an hour and she's Jamacian so she verbally shredded him. He tried to play that he couldn't remember saying anything like that.

 

I just told him to GTFO of my house immediately. This is not the first transgression this jackass has made, he tried to kiss my ex gf while she was living with me before we broke up (I didnt find out until after we broke up). I was racking my brain as to why the hell he would do this to me because I was obviously tremendously happy with this girl- the only thing I could surmise is that he wanted to talk her out of going to my boat with me so that the jackass could linger around here staying here for free and get a chance with her, probably to try to bang my own girl in my own house in my own bed.

 

Complicating matters is that the girl's phone was out of minutes and she had no money to pay the bill. She left some things here including her favorite sunglasses, phone charger and some clothes. I paid her phone bill as it was only $30 and I told her before all of this exploded that after I got paid I would see about getting her phone back online so we could stay in touch. Her phone is obviously dead and she has no charger so I dont know when she'll realize that her phone is back online.

 

I'm hoping for the best that maybe she will come to get her stuff and I'll get a chance to clear things up with her before I go to my boat on my vacation. I have to plan for the worst too, that I may never see her again.

 

My friends and family say to keep trying the girl and knock out the ex-friend. Given that both of his transgressions were when he was staying here on my charity I agree with them although I'll stop short at actually knocking him out but he sure as hell isnt welcome here anymore.

 

Everything was going great until this jackass had this conversation with her and afterwards it was right off the rails. I spent 11 days with her out of the last 13 and we had a great time. Any advice? FYI she is a firecracker half spanish.

 

Sounds like you are a Bukowski carbon copy. You are 37 years old man. When I was 25 I was wild and reckless but I never would have spent 3 days let alone 9 with a dude 12 years my senior. Sounds like your friend is right.

[ExpatInItaly]

Too. Much. Drama.

 

How long have you known this woman? Sounds like it ignited way too fast, and burned out equally quickly. Hearing that you're dating so many women would turn me right off, too. She perhaps didn't know the extent of it until she chatted with your friend. Sure, it wasn't his place to throw you under the bus. You're not entirely wrong to cut him out of your life. But I think you need to take a long look at how your choices have affected this situation, too.

[ktya]

Too. Much. Drama.

 

How long have you known this woman? Sounds like it ignited way too fast, and burned out equally quickly. Hearing that you're dating so many women would turn me right off, too. She perhaps didn't know the extent of it until she chatted with your friend. Sure, it wasn't his place to throw you under the bus. You're not entirely wrong to cut him out of your life. But I think you need to take a long look at how your choices have affected this situation, too.

 

I wasnt playing with all the other girls during the two weeks i have known her, to be honest i was too busy and having too good of a time with her. I was honest and in the context it made sense as i had just met her totally randomly.

 

The "friend" didnt throw me under the bus with just that revelation, because she had known that for weeks. The girl wasnt even ready for exclusivity with me as we had discussed it, she wasnt ready to jump into anything too quickly and said so.

 

The throwing me under the bus was all about him talking me down to keep her from going on my vacation with me, obtensively so he could hang out with her in my own house while i was gone (i have to go.as i volunteered to cook for 200 so i cant just stay home) while he was staying under my roof on my charity.

 

In the end we both lose. He sent her off into the arms of a random because he doesnt have his act together and is broke and homeless, he cant keep up with a girl like that. A true friend would have talked me up, not down when he saw how happy i was with her.

 

My female roommate was furious with him and she has no skin in the game; this is telling as she was giving him hell before i even figured out what was going on. She didnt even particularly like the girl but she knows the difference between a friend and a back stabber and saw that we were having a great time together.

 

To blow up something so fun and natural.... For selfish self interest when your friend is helping you out big time because your homeless... Complete bull. I met the girl myself and spent 11 days with her kissing, sex in the backyard, sleeping with her... What more of a sign to back the f off than that.

[serial muse]

I wasnt playing with all the other girls during the two weeks i have known her, to be honest i was too busy and having too good of a time with her. I was honest and in the context it made sense as i had just met her totally randomly.

 

The "friend" didnt throw me under the bus with just that revelation, because she had known that for weeks. The girl wasnt even ready for exclusivity with me as we had discussed it, she wasnt ready to jump into anything too quickly and said so.

 

The throwing me under the bus was all about him talking me down to keep her from going on my vacation with me, obtensively so he could hang out with her in my own house while i was gone (i have to go.as i volunteered to cook for 200 so i cant just stay home) while he was staying under my roof on my charity.

 

In the end we both lose. He sent her off into the arms of a random because he doesnt have his act together and is broke and homeless, he cant keep up with a girl like that. A true friend would have talked me up, not down when he saw how happy i was with her.

 

My female roommate was furious with him and she has no skin in the game; this is telling as she was giving him hell before i even figured out what was going on. She didnt even particularly like the girl but she knows the difference between a friend and a back stabber and saw that we were having a great time together.

 

To blow up something so fun and natural.... For selfish self interest when your friend is helping you out big time because your homeless... Complete bull. I met the girl myself and spent 11 days with her kissing, sex in the backyard, sleeping with her... What more of a sign to back the f off than that.

 

I agree that your friend is a jerk.

 

But what I don't get is why, if this girl already knew that you were dating others, and if it was already acknowledged that neither of you wanted exclusivity, and if she was having such a great time with you....why one chat with your oddball semi-homeless friend would completely turn her off to you forever and always. Seriously.

 

Something doesn't add up here. Honestly, I think she wasn't so keen on you going into that conversation. Whatever he said to her maybe confirmed her suspicions and instincts, but that didn't just come out of nowhere.

Edited August 1, 2014 by serial muse

[ktya]

I agree that your friend is a jerk.

 

But what I don't get is why, if this girl already knew that you were dating others, and if it was already acknowledged that neither of you wanted exclusivity, and if she was having such a great time with you....why one chat with your oddball semi-homeless friend would completely turn her off to you forever and always. Seriously.

 

Something doesn't add up here. Honestly, I think she wasn't so keen on you going into that conversation.

 

My roommate filled me in on the crap he said. Not pretty. And given that she was aware ive known him 26 years since i was 12 he had implied trust. I nearly kicked the shi out of him but kicked him out instead.

 

He knew he was not doing a good thing, he was trying to play up that the women were ganging up on him hours before i figured out what was going on.

 

Just 3 hours before she left she asked me to make more food and put it in the fridge because shed probably want more in the morning, it was all pretty good up until his "talk". He spooked her out plain and simple. She was already a bit scared because she was falling for me hard and she told me so. I told her i wasnt going to push things and just let the chips fall where they may and that whatever we were doing was fine by me without labels.

[BlueIris]

She was already a bit scared because she was falling for me hard and she told me so. I told her i wasnt going to push things and just let the chips fall where they may and that whatever we were doing was fine by me without labels.

 

So the chips fell as they may.

Tsunami romances are unsettling, unstable, anyway.

 

So she'd told you she was scared, and you said she was very hesitant about the boating trip. So, maybe she asked him about you because he has known you for 25 years.

 

Shouldn't have lost your temper and pushed her. That probably sealed the deal.

[ktya]

So the chips fell as they may.

Tsunami romances are unsettling, unstable, anyway.

 

So she'd told you she was scared, and you said she was very hesitant about the boating trip. So, maybe she asked him about you because he has known you for 25 years.

 

Shouldn't have lost your temper and pushed her. That probably sealed the deal.

 

For the record, i didnt push her to push her. I pushed past her to kick the bum out and she was trying to stop me.

 

Once she made mention of my ex and some perverted twist on why she broke up with me, i knew who exactly was to blame and wanted the jerk out of my house immediately. I broke up with my ex 8-9 months ago so whatever story she heard could only have come from one place (neither of my roommates lived here until well after we broke up).

 

You might be right but the jackass calling himself a friend "trying to help" and meddling that hard out of self interest was certainly not helping and certainly was not being a friend. He was just trying to get a peice of action while i was out of town, probably in my own damn bed.

[BlueIris]

For the record, i didnt push her to push her. I pushed past her to kick the bum out and she was trying to stop me.

 

But that's not really better.

I was just saying that your anger + pushing her probably precludes any chance of seeing her again and your friend didn't do that part.

It's all very dramatic, that's for sure.

[ktya]

But that's not really better.

I was just saying that your anger + pushing her probably precludes any chance of seeing her again and your friend didn't do that part.

It's all very dramatic, that's for sure.

 

I dont call your opinion wrong, but given the circumstances it would take yeomans duty to not react the way i did. I didnt yell or raise my voice, i plainly said that dudes gotta go. I didnt push her directly, merely aside because she was trying to stop me and buddy had fled downstairs. I didnt even yell at him - i just told him his presence was complicating matters and that he had to leave right now i even told him i wasnt mad at him (i didnt learn the whole story until after she had left).

 

Ive told the whole story to more than a few friends and they all told me to knock him out. I havent and havent even threatened him with it, but he sure as hell aint welcome in my house anymore. What a prick.

[jay1983]

I'm not gonna knock you for seeing the other girls or having a friend that did that to you, or anything else that went on.

 

What's done is done and I don't know WTH kinda advice to give you at this point.

Edited August 1, 2014 by jay1983

[ExpatInItaly]

At your age, knocking anyone out is incredibly immature. Don't follow other people's suggestions to do so. Just don't talk to him again.

 

She's gone now. The fact that she didn't care to get your side of the story is telling. She wasn't interested enough to hear you out, nor mature enough to consider an alternative to your friend's version of your past.

[ktya]

At your age, knocking anyone out is incredibly immature. Don't follow other people's suggestions to do so. Just don't talk to him again.

 

She's gone now. The fact that she didn't care to get your side of the story is telling. She wasn't interested enough to hear you out, nor mature enough to consider an alternative to your friend's version of your past.

 

Yes i kicked him out and made him sleep on the streets that night and hes no longer welcome in my house. He lost his place couch surfing somewhere else and was couch surfing at my place when this all went down so now hes practically homeless. The guy he was previously couch surfing with had a girlfriend i wouldnt doubt if the same thing went down.

 

This guy did something similar before with my ex. He would tell her i felt a certain way then tell me she felt a certain way but it was often misconstrued or entirely made up (he considers himself an empath; if he is he certainly isnt a good one). This caused all sorts of problems as our relationship was already shakey. Didnt help he tried to kiss her twice before we broke up when he was drunk.

 

I have only been seeing this girl for 2 weeks and although it was very intense (12 days 24/7 out of 14) thats not much of a foundation and we never made it to a committment stage.

 

With respect to the other girls i have been seeing since i met this girl i havent really talked to them.

 

Id really like to get a chance to talk to her and see her without this chump around. Like i said 3 hours before she left everything was just ducky. I dont know everything he said to her or the context but i heard quite a bit from my roommate and it obviously was not even remotely helpful.

 

I want to reach out to her but not crowd her and push her away. I think if i can talk to her i might be able to clear this up... She needs to know that this is not the first time this knob of a so called friend has done this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Was any of what this guy said true?

[ktya]

Was any of what this guy said true?

 

Not really but he was playing generalities rather than facts. Some quotes:

 

"you can do better than him"

 

"you and him both have too many issues to have a relationship neither of you are ready"

 

"this is the way he is and he will get worse dont you see the early warning signs"

 

"he broke up with his ex for the same reasons"

 

"he will break your heart because he wont stop seeing the other girls for you"

 

I wasnt witness to it i heard it back in snippets when my female roommate launched into a full scale verbal assault after she stomped out.

 

With regard to the ex that wasnt true at all. Writ large the reason me and the ex broke up was because of him doing this very same thing but we were already having major disagreements over domestic stuff. She was a hoarder.

 

With respect to the other girls once i met this girl we were instantly inseperable and i didnt even talk to them let alone make plans or see them. As said in the OP i was trying to get this girl to come with me on my vacation.

 

The rest of it i see as intentionally sowing doubt- the girl was falling for me pretty hard and she was a bit scared of moving too fast. We had talked about it and agreed to just keep it as good friends dating and being FBs and not trying to push for a label, she and i were both comfortable with this arrangement.

[ktya]

Thank god. Ive talked to the girl a few times now and broached the subject of buddy and his history and it went well.

 

Ill probably get to see her when i get back from my vacation.

 

Any advice? Obviously i dont want him talking to her anymore but its a free country.

[Dork Vader]

I think you are lying through your teeth. 8+ women at once at 25? How in the world do you keep 8 women remotely happy? Even if you're loaded cash wise there are limits to what you can do sexually.

 

 

Your homeless friend was wrong for getting involved in your relationships.

 

 

You how ever had Douchebag wrote all over you. No matter if you're honest or not 8+ women at once? Come on.. Not only is that just morally wrong it's down right gross.

 

 

And your idea of being honest could be far different then what being honest actually is.. Unless you told all 8 women you had 8 other women you were banging you were not being honest.

 

 

You're not ready for a relationship. You have a lot to learn about relationships and dating before you are even remotely close to it.

 

 

And no I'm not jealous. I went through my own phase but even I had some self control.. One woman at a time.

[ktya]

I am in sales. Yes i could keep all 8 happy especially seeing as on the first date i told them all that i was seeing multiple other girls and that i wanted to keep it strictly casual. I keep a list of 450 prospects happy for work so 8 is nothing to keep track of.

 

And im 37 not 25.

 

Youd be surprised at how many women out there want to keep it strictly casual and who dont want to be exclusive or hurtle down the path towards marriage.

 

Edit:. And i spent the past 17 years in serious long term cohabiting relationships. I have more than enough experience.

Edited August 5, 2014 by ktya

[Mascara]

I don't know OP, sounds like she "gamed" you.

[serial muse]

Thank god. Ive talked to the girl a few times now and broached the subject of buddy and his history and it went well.

 

Ill probably get to see her when i get back from my vacation.

 

Any advice? Obviously i dont want him talking to her anymore but its a free country.

 

How could he ever talk to her again? You're presumably not going to let him stay with you anymore, so I don't see why they would cross paths or it would even be an issue, unless they've made plans to meet up or something.

 

In which case....well, that would just be plain weird.