On Chemistry: A Lesson Learned

[Mrin]

This post is part self high-five, part sharing a lesson I learned about chemistry and perhaps, just perhaps, some of my fellow LS'ers can draw encouragement from it.

 

I learned an incredible lesson about chemistry this weekend.

 

About Me: Before I dive into my story a little about me. I'm 42. A dude. Divorced. Extrovert. As such I love to meet people, especially women. I date - a lot. I have no problems multi-dating. I've been told i'm handsome, am fit, educated and have an interesting background/range of life experiences and interests. I have a good (really good - so I've been told) profile. For me, OLD is like an ATM for women, or at for least first dates.

 

I am also a romantic. Like die hard romantic. I have little or no interests in one night stands or casual sex. I am driven by that elusive "chemistry". If it isn't there, no matter how pretty or smart or witty she is, she's not for me.

 

The Story: I met this woman on OLD. On paper we were a great match. Similar interests. Similar family perspective (she has to kids about the same age as my own). She describes herself as a romantic and said she craved to meet a man with a passion for life and a broad spectrum of experiences. That's me!

 

We did the text and phone thing first and it was good. So we moved to a first date. Unlike most of my first dates, I had a feeling about her so I took her out to dinner... and then drinks... and then sitting on a patio sipping water. It was about a five hour date.

 

Great - you might say. Oh it was. She was very interesting. Very smart. Great sense of humor. Gorgeous. We really hit it off. Great friend chemistry - but no passionate chemistry at least for me. No sexual tension. No lingering eye contact. Close personal space wasn't invaded. No arm touches. None of that. At the end of our marathon date I walked her to her car and gave her a hug. I normally don't kiss on the first date - seems ungentlemanly.

 

An Aside: As a romantic, i've spent a great deal of time thinking about what makes chemistry. My working theory was pheromones. I can remember one of my love affairs, the chemistry was there when she sat down at the table. So it had to be pheromones right? What else could explain it?

 

I was definitely intrigued by her but also disappointed that I didn't have that romantic chemistry with someone so interesting and so compatible. Usually I check out in my heart after a non-chemistry fueled date like this but still end up going out a few more times "just to see". Which is silly because I never find that elusive chemistry if it isn't there on the first date. But hey, i'm a glutton for punishment.

 

With that in mind, I made a second date with her a week later. It would be a day date - some cultural events and then some good ethnic food. Hey, if the chemistry isn't there I can still have fun with her doing stuff I like to do since she was such great company and just a special lady.

 

This Saturday, we met up, hit the cultural events which were romantic. I felt some gentle stirrings. After dinner we decided to go for some cocktails since we were both throughly enjoying our time together. On the way there I decided to kiss her.

 

So I did.

 

And the world changed. This kiss rivaled anything in this history of kisses including the kiss from The Princess Bride. It lasted a few seconds, or an eternity. It was like lightning leapt between us. Time stood still. As I pulled away she simply said, "more". Ladies - there is not a sweeter sound to a romantic guy's ears than that for a response to a first kiss.

 

The rest of the night and entire next day (we made another date) was a whirlwind of romance. We were like teenagers, painting together at a cocktails and canvass event, making out on a picnic blanket in the park for hours on end, reading books to each other. No sex - it wasn't needed and to be honest would have diminished such a "pure" moment of true romance.

 

I'm a connoisseur of chemistry. If there were such a thing, I'd be a sommelier. I've never felt anything like this before on my 42 years on this rock. Truly incredible. To be honest - if I never saw her again i'd count myself one of the luckiest men in the world just for such an experience. It was "I could die happy" good.

 

Thankfully, the feeling is mutual and we're seeing each other again at our next opportunity.

 

My Lesson Learned: Sometimes chemistry hits you over the head like a brick - love at first sight. But sometimes you have to dig a little deeper. Connect a little more. Open a few doors and yes, maybe go out on a few more dates. But it definitely can be there, you just might have to go looking for it.

 

Don't give up. Dig a little deeper. Make some contact. You just never know what happens.

 

On Chemistry: So maybe I was wrong about it being just pheromones. Maybe it isn't pheromones. I think it can be a lot of things. For us, it is something like energy. It was both inside us but until that first intimate touch - in this case a kiss - it couldn't interact. Couldn't flow between us. Couldn't intertwine in that delicate romantic helix.

 

Epilogue: I almost hardly ever do this but after that second date, I pulled down all of my dating profiles. I reached out to the other women I was casually dating and told them the truth - I had found someone and wanted to focus on her. Who knows if this will last a day or a week or a month longer. But honestly, when you find something like this, you just have to take the time to marvel at it - distraction free.

 

Anyhow, if you've made it this far I thank you for reading my novel. Best of luck to you!

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Congratulations! Experienced a similar situation with my beau whom I met online. Went on LOTS of dates and honestly thought I felt chemistry with a few of them. It was nothing like I felt/feel with him. EVER. Its been 9 months of bliss thus far. I've never known anything like it. I wish you the best and hope this continues into everything you are hoping for!

[todreaminblue]

Rarely do i feel a certain something when i meet a guy and it doesnt happen often,which si good because i dont really trust it......i have to know someone to trust them and that to me is when chemistry occurs......ill always make a move if i feel something but that move is to get to know the guy better....i cant control chemistry......i love chemistry actually but it isnt something controlled to me and certain ......construction and building and planning is my comfort bag......where chemistry develops in a controlled constructed environment....

 

 

i have decided not to follow chemistry.....and to date guys i feel in control of my heart beat..let develop what may develop and if it doesn't for me and yet they feel it for me...ill keep trying to feel what they feel with more dates............deb......

[Leigh 87]

great story!

 

I too, am a sucker for chemistry. I would rather be alone than with a man who

 

 

When I didn't feel chemistry, sadly, I never felt it when I kissed the guy either.

 

There was one instance where I didn't immediately feel chemistry and then by date 4 I finally enjoyed kissing him. Although I NEVER had that light bulb moment the first time we kissed!

 

I have a complex where WANT to be "that girl" that a guy just "knows" is special right away... I don't want to be the girl he met and though "meh, she is really nice but that is all"

[FitChick]

I seldom feel instant chemistry and when I do it never ends well. I like to get to know someone slowly. Chemistry happens if the basic physical attraction is there (tall, slim, full head of hair).

 

Unfortunately, too many people expect lightning to strike on the first date so let great people get away.