Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Been seeing a guy for about 2 months. We see each other somehow every day. He is already talking marriage. Love of his life. Etc. But while we kiss a lot we have never done anything more. I guess I appreciate his morals etc. He has told me he wants to make love to me etc. But it's just weird that he hasn't tried anything more than kissing me. I think he may have grabbed my butt once. I know he said he only had sex w his ex a handful of times. I asked why. He said cause he hated her. I just feel weird because this is so not normal from my experience.
Assasda Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Well it is normal. What is wrong with you then? If you want to have sex why dont YOU excalate it. I hope youre not a little girl, asking for advice, because a woman would know what to do, if she wants to get intimate. Seems like he's feeding you garbage after just 2 weeks of knowing you anyway, but, I dont know you well to judge. Good luck
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I've kinda tried... Arranged to have dinner at home etc. And we just end up talking or something. Which isn't bad if course. I just get the sense that he's uncomfortable w going any further. Maybe I do need to take it up a notch...
J21 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I think it's more weird you want sex but not initiating anything.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I've been dating him a little more than 2 months. And I haven't initiated because when I've brought it up he said things like "we will know when the time is right". "I don't just want to have sex here ... I want to wait and make it special". I just don't know... Maybe I'm the crazy one? But his rhetoric is one of someone who wants to push me off. Maybe I should try going further. I did grab his crutch while kissing recently and he kinda backed off saying "oh wow... ". Just seemed like he backed off I think something may be...off about this guy. The fact that he doesn't want to have sex at the moment may not be anything, but his answer about why he didn't have sex often with his ex troubles me. If he hated his ex enough to not have sex with her often, why was he with her at all? Whenever someone tells me they hate their ex, I always get a bit concerned about them anyway, but that conversation worries me more than normal. How long have you been dating this guy?
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 How long was he with this ex that he 'hated'? Hate is a very strong word and why would he be with someone he hated? No, something sounds dodgy here. 1
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Well he was w her off and on. And he is still very connected to her because of their son. They spent 4 hours together this afternoon after picking her up at airport ... From vaca at airport. He said she pushed his buttons. He said she once told him she thought he loved the gym/workout more than him and he told me that he told her she was right! They were together for a couple years. Divorced. Then got back together and broke up last year. He admitted that she asked him if he was gay because he didn't sleep w her. 1
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Well he was w her off and on. And he is still very connected to her because of their son. They spent 4 hours together this afternoon after picking her up at airport ... From vaca at airport. He said she pushed his buttons. He said she once told him she thought he loved the gym/workout more than him and he told me that he told her she was right! They were together for a couple years. Divorced. Then got back together and broke up last year. He admitted that she asked him if he was gay because he didn't sleep w her. Sounds like he's got a history of lack of interest in sex for some reason. It doesn't look like that's changed.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 He's 42. And very attractive. He told me a therapist once thought he has intimacy issues bit he disregarded it as ridiculous. He's also bi polar.
writergal Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 (edited) I already see enough red flags here that would put me off any further contact with this 42 year old guy. Marriage talk after only 8 weeks? Seeing each other every day already? He complains about his ex-wife and their lack of a sex life? He rejects your sexual advances, and his bipolar depression. In college I dated a guy with bipolar depression. I broke up with him because he wanted me to be with him all the time. A few times he showed up and buzzed my apartment, asking me if he could come up to talk (this was pre-cell phone days, pre-voicemail days). It scared me because he would just show up at random times. He finally left me alone when I told him I'd call the police the next time he came over unannounced. OP, maybe your boyfriend isn't over his broken marriage yet and isn't emotionally available for a real relationship yet. Any guy who talks marriage that soon is insecure and needy. Edited June 22, 2014 by writergal 1
jbelle6 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Well it is normal. What is wrong with you then? If you want to have sex why dont YOU excalate it. I hope youre not a little girl, asking for advice, because a woman would know what to do, if she wants to get intimate. Seems like he's feeding you garbage after just 2 weeks of knowing you anyway, but, I dont know you well to judge. Good luck Do you date men? Cause that sure as hell is NOT normal. NOT ONE BIT. Men don't need much encouragement, well except one I was with and turns out he does not like vaginas. Been there OP, something is off here. Very off. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 OP, as the others are saying, I see some big red flags. I could understand someone not rushing into a sexual relationship, but there seems to be more at play here considering he's told you his sex life with his ex was equally lackluster. I don't think he's changed in that area. Are you going to be able to tolerate that? Also, discussing marriage after only two months is concerning. How do you respond when he talks about this? How do you feel? His rhetoric regarding his ex is a bit troubling. Lots of people strongly dislike an ex, that's not unusual. But I would be concerned that he's the type of guy who doesn't understand his own contributions to a problem. "Hate" is a strong word to use, particularly for the mother of his child. Finally, has he actually been diagnosed as bi-polar? I only ask because a lot of people throw that term around without actually suffering from any mental illness. If so, is he being treated for it? I know you mentioned a therapist, but is that the reason? Be prepared for the challenges that come with a bi-polar partner. A relationship is possible, but it's not an easy road. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 It is wierd. I dated someone his same age who was pretty similar. There's something more going on here. Have you ever had time off from seeing him for something you want to do (breaking the pattern of the usual days you see each other)? Was he OK with that or did it upset him at all? I know that sounds like a random question...
todreaminblue Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 you mentioned marriage ....love of his life....maybe he wants to wait fro sex which isnt a bad thing.....maybe not normal in a world view...but to me its a good thing when a guy sadi i want to wait....i look forward to meeting that guy one day..but i am not normal i do my own thing.......lol ahem.... why dont you ask him?
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I suggested you 2 times already in past threads to educate yourself on what it involves to be bi-polar and the meds they need. Sounds you don't want to do your homework. No it's not normal but it could be the meds he's taking. It doesn't change the fact he needs to take these meds therefore he will never have an interest in sex.
nerdlingZA Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Been seeing a guy for about 2 months. We see each other somehow every day. He is already talking marriage. Love of his life. Etc. But while we kiss a lot we have never done anything more. I guess I appreciate his morals etc. He has told me he wants to make love to me etc. But it's just weird that he hasn't tried anything more than kissing me. I think he may have grabbed my butt once. I know he said he only had sex w his ex a handful of times. I asked why. He said cause he hated her. I just feel weird because this is so not normal from my experience. How old are u
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I'm 38 just coming out of a bad marriage myself. Yes I did read up on bi polar. He was diagnosed and was on meds but chose to go off of them. He said he felt horrible. So now he's just believing in exercise etc. I ended it a few weeks ago and he was just so clear and vocal about why he thought we were different .. That I chose to keep talking to him. However, last week we were talking about his previous drug use and I happened to ask (since he said he was no longer going to do that or be that person) when was last time he did pot. He said that NIGHT. Said that he was feeling down so he took a few hits of it. I've never done a drug in my life. So I told him that he needs to deal with that and I couldn't accept that or support him doing that. So he was so sad and has apologized and is now not even drinking alcohol. We will see how long that lasts. Because of all this I haven't pushed sleeping w him ... So I don't think I will. I want to see where this road goes for awhile.
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Is he that hot that you're losing all judgment? No sex drive Bi-polar that won't medicate himself Pot-head A series of inappropriate behavior concerning his ex Insensitive to anything coming out of your mouth Is this the only man available to date in your State? It's ridiculous!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 What type of drugs was he involved in, OP? How long has he told you he's been clean?
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 He had a history of cocaine daily for awhile... And he apparently didn't stop until last fall. And pot for years... He apparently was clean for about 3 months and then did pot. Said it was because he wanted a little pick me up. Since this happened and I made my opinion known, he hasn't done anything or even drank alcohol. Says that he will never disappoint me again. I told him I was more concerned w his need to not feel depressed (while home alone) and he never told me that's how he was feeling whatsoever.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 He had a history of cocaine daily for awhile... And he apparently didn't stop until last fall. And pot for years... He apparently was clean for about 3 months and then did pot. Said it was because he wanted a little pick me up. Since this happened and I made my opinion known, he hasn't done anything or even drank alcohol. Says that he will never disappoint me again. I told him I was more concerned w his need to not feel depressed (while home alone) and he never told me that's how he was feeling whatsoever. Of course he told you that; what else would he say? It's all lip service. I read your previous thread and now remember your situation. You knew 3 weeks in that he is not stable and hasn't dealt with a host of demons he has. We advised you then to move on, because we can see how toxic he is to you. You chose to stay, for whatever reason. Not sure what type of advice you're seeking now. This guy is bad news. 1
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 He had a history of cocaine daily for awhile... And he apparently didn't stop until last fall. And pot for years... He apparently was clean for about 3 months and then did pot. Said it was because he wanted a little pick me up. Since this happened and I made my opinion known, he hasn't done anything or even drank alcohol. Says that he will never disappoint me again. I told him I was more concerned w his need to not feel depressed (while home alone) and he never told me that's how he was feeling whatsoever. You don't date someone who's been a cocaine user unless he's been clean 3 years minimum and that 3 years has to be done with a 12 step program and a sponsor. He can say anything he wants, what you hear is the word of a cocaine user and a pot head, what is it worth.
GemmaUK Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Wow! I had to check the thread title to see if this was the same thread! Does he have any good qualities? The list so far seems to be: Pros: Good looking Ex-coke addict Hates is ex-girlfriend (this is good as they won't be getting back together) Has some kind of a long running issue with sex which is perhaps down to all the drug use. (this is all OK if you have no sex drive) Able to rationalise - he has rationalised why taking his BP meds is not a good idea but also that smoking pot was a good idea (pot leads to paranoia which is one of the problems those with BP suffer from) Has quit all forms of addictive behaviour for you - something which usually takes lots of rehab and immense will power. (personally though I wouldn't want to be responsible for that as anything that you do that upsets him will mean it's your fault that he had to drink or use drugs so his health is now your total responsibility) Trying to find more 'pros' here..does he do a lot of charity work? Seriously though..why would you want to be involved?
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I can see exactly what you are saying and I think it is his charm ... His success and his positive energy that continues to pull me in. My ex was not a drug user of anything of the sort, but he surely was negative and weak... Felt that he was a loser but then had a chip on his shoulder. This new guy is so happy. Jokes all the time .., is consummate salesman/businessman and it is hard not to like being with him. He is also very wealthy...but no he does not buy me things etc. In fact he has had me pick up the bill for food a few times tbh. I think that's why I was so shocked when he told me he had used pot that night. I talked to him via phone and he sounded a bit off so it made me wonder... And that's why I asked. At the moment he is off all alcohol etc and he seems very good... But I def see the risk.
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 If you grabbed his crotch and he pulled away and disengaged theres definitely something wrong. Thats as clear of a signal that a girl wants go get laid as a man can get. Find a new guy
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