therealfrench Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Hello everyone, I am a French girl living in New York City. The dating rules in France are non-existent, as you may already know, and we tend to be exclusive immediately, therefore I am finding myself incredibly confused by the American dating rules. And now I am heartbroken. I have been dating someone for 5 weeks and it's been amazing and rather intense. I knew he was seeing other people at the beginning and was, well, 'fine' with it until now. We both developed feelings for each other, so I assumed he would stop seeing other women altogether. Boy did I assumed wrong. Is it because of my culture that I found myself heartbroken after finding out he had slept with another woman last weekend (she also slept over at his place, which made me even more sad)? Is it normal to behave like this after dating someone for 5 weeks and behaving like a couple together? I was surprised by my own reaction, as it has been only 5 weeks. But I was just plain furious and jealous and devastated. To me, our exclusivity was implied. But maybe it's just cultural, as I am used to other social norms. It just seems very immature for me to just have a conversation about exclusivity ("Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" - uh!) Right now he seems sad that I am so mad at him and is trying to win me back. If I ever decide to keep dating him, should I have the exclusivity talk right away? Is 5 weeks good timing? Thank you guys.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 A good rule of thumb in a no-holds-barred dating climate like the one in the US is not to have sex with a man until you have established exclusivity. Further, I personally wait for the man to bring up exclusivity and take significant steps to drive the relationship forward. It was low of him to sleep with multiple women at the same time, but technically he wasn't breaking any "rules", because you didn't make sure any were established. Still, I couldn't respect a man like that. I'd have to end it. He's made it clear you're not that important to him and he doesn't value you much. Dating in NYC is notoriously cutthroat. I know a woman who lives in NYC, has model good looks, executive job with great salary, and she says it's next to impossible to find a loyal man in NYC who won't jump ship as soon as the next shiny thing walks by. You might want to venture out beyond Manhattan to the surrounding areas, where people tend to be a little more down to earth. 4
halfcrazed_i Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 The best way to establish exclusivity is to literally talk about it -- or have declarations for it. Implied and subtle hints are tough to crack because people read them differently. Clearly, you and your guy have different definitions of your current relationship. The only thing you can do is to talk to him about it. There's a chance that your guy was just utterly clueless. A lot of guys use the line "But we never said we were exclusive" -- so be careful of this one. Next time, clarifications are needed...
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I am half French (the other half is Italian) so I'm very familiar with the dating culture in Europe. It is indeed different than North America and infinitely different than New York City - you couldn't have picked a more difficult dating climate than NYC!!!!!! I agree with Ruby Slippers in that a good rule to have while dating in America is no sex before monogamy. Unless of course all you're looking for is a great f*ck with no strings attached. Nothing should be assumed when it comes to dating in America, especially exclusivity. As uncomfortable or childish as it seems to you, you MUST have those conversations if you want to save yourself an unwanted heartbreak and even your dignity. I'm sorry that your dating experience in the USA hasn't been a pleasant one but look at it as a lesson to be learned and one not to be repeated. Good luck to you!!!!
Assasda Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 You knew that this was a possibility, so dont throw your culture into this. Its all the same. I've been with french girls before. You knew he was with other women from the start. and the bottom line is, you are testing him. He could be with you 2 girls at the same time, and unless he Radically changes and becomes a wuss, you'll still go out with him.
Author therealfrench Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 You knew that this was a possibility, so dont throw your culture into this. Its all the same. I've been with french girls before. You knew he was with other women from the start. and the bottom line is, you are testing him. He could be with you 2 girls at the same time, and unless he Radically changes and becomes a wuss, you'll still go out with him. I don't know what kind of French girls you've been before, but no, it's not all the same. Do you think I would bother opening a thread about my situation if it was all the same? Thank you Ruby Slippers, Michelle ma Belle and Halfcrazed for your help! 1
PegNosePete Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 The only "rules" are the ones you make for yourself. If a woman I was casually dating was sleeping with other guys, then I wouldn't want to see her again. That's just tacky. If she's dating other guys then fine, but in my opinion you should not sleep with someone if you're seeing others. And anyone who does so, I could not respect, therefore would not see again. 1
deathandtaxes Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 At five weeks in, that's long enough to decide exclusivity. When you feel the need for exclusivity, OP, ask for it. Whether it be your home country, the Big Apple, wherever. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) In American-style dating, DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING. Talk it out and make expectation clear. Oftentimes, not even such "talk" protects you from the BS that goes on. Edited May 15, 2014 by soccerrprp 2
Imported Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Yes OP, it's because you're French. An American girl would not have put up with it. Or at least not think all American guys are like that. I kid, we have some pretty stupid women here too.
Author therealfrench Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 Yes OP, it's because you're French. An American girl would not have put up with it. Or at least not think all American guys are like that. I kid, we have some pretty stupid women here too. You are a delight.
Imported Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 You are a delight. I am sorry, but you are here trying to point a finger at a nation with over 300 million people as behaving predominantly a certain way. I am here to tell you, you're wrong. That guy treated you the way that guy behaves. I don't behave the way that guy behaves. The problem is you ever putting up with his behavior. So, would it be wrong to assume that all French women like when the men they are dating **** around with other women?
Emilia Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 For those of you Americans who are giving the OP a hard time and are ignorant of dating in Europe: yes we are different on the old continent. Dating is assumed to be exclusive from the start. Multidating and sex with several partners is automatically assumed as cheating. Don't pass judgement on something you don't understand. Thanks. 5
Untouched Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 But some of us American girls also assume that once you start dating - at least, if there is a second date - that means that there are no others. And it's tough to find out that you're wrong about that. I never imagined that there would need to be a special "talk." 1
Zahara Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 OP, I understand how you feel. Dating back in the country that I am from, beliefs and standards from where you come from are very similar. When I first moved here and started dating, I was dealing with a different set of rules. Rules that I didn't quite understand or grasp for awhile -- that is after a few times of getting hurt is when I started learning the lessons. Not all men are going to behave this way but it would be best to date according to a certain set of boundaries that will help you avoid these types of situations. I will echo RubySlippers. She gave you sound advice. Add: I would use this guy as a lesson and move on from this. 1
GoreSP Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I don't think you're over reacting. I'm not against multi dating as per say - but 5 weeks? I think this guy is a douchebag and you should interpret this as a clear 'he's really not that into' and move on. 2
Potz4prez Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 But some of us American girls also assume that once you start dating - at least, if there is a second date - that means that there are no others. And it's tough to find out that you're wrong about that. I never imagined that there would need to be a special "talk." In a dating society where a girl can just disappear after any number of dates before becoming exclusive, why would a guy want to invest in a girl he's only had two dates with? Eggs in one basket and all that. Smash all my eggs once - shame on you, smash all my eggs twice - shame on me.
Phantom888 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Not all American men date like this. Only the non-committal selfish man-childs do this. They are conditioned to behave like this because they have been rewarded for deceiving women in the past. Again, not all men in the US date like this. If you date a genuinely good man, you won't even need the exclusivity talk because action speaks louder than words. As stated earlier, it's better to establish exclusivity before getting sexually intimate if you want a good healthy relationship. If you want to make double sure that you are on the same page, then just be open and ask if you can be boyfriend/girlfriend. Frankly I find that talk awkward, and a really decent man would not require that talk. Don't go back to this poor example of an American male. He is playing games, and not serious. 5 weeks is plenty of time to be honest and develop feelings. Don't get played by these losers. 4
stillafool Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Wow! European dating sounds so wonderful if I were you guys I'd move back to your own country! 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Not all American men date like this. Only the non-committal selfish man-childs do this. They are conditioned to behave like this because they have been rewarded for deceiving women in the past. Again, not all men in the US date like this. If you date a genuinely good man, you won't even need the exclusivity talk because action speaks louder than words. And I think this is true the world over. The US dating "culture" is more decadent and consumer-spirited than most of the rest of the world, but men of poor character exist in every country. It's just that in most other places, society in general recognizes such guys for what they are. Only in America do people try to rationalize this behavior as some kind of liberated progress. 7
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