coralsmith Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I have a long history with a friend named Rob. We first met at uni, almost 4 years ago. We got along almost instantly and became really good friends while working on a project. He had just broken up with a long term girlfriend, and I was with my then boyfriend. Nothing happened and we got out of touch a bit. A year later and I've broken up with my boyfriend. Rob comes onto me instantly, telling me my ex wasn't good enough for me, etc. etc. I'm not ready for anything, so I rebuff him initially. We don't get to see each other very much, but when we do he expresses an interest in me. We begin to get close again. However at this point, I notice he has started sleeping around A LOT. Friends with benefits and one night stands. This puts me off pursuing anything romantic with him. On top of this, my breakup is particularly messy - it essentially drags out to last a year. During the end of this year, when I am finding it particularly hard, Rob and I grow close because he has been through it before and offers a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, we end up sleeping together a few times. It's amazing, but I end up moving home for a year after uni. During this time we still talk occasionally, it turns into a friendship again. He meets a girl and starts dating her. I make plans to move back, and he has broken up with his girlfriend at this point. We talk increasingly and it is implied we will become a couple, thought never said outright. When I move back, he is suddenly reluctant to meet up. He then tells me he is not ready for a relationship (he has had commitment issues since his initial breakup). I accept this, and begin seeing someone else. I have just started a new relationship when he calls me and tells me he still has feelings for me, that he was just afraid but that he'd had a heart to heart with his best friend about it and wants to meet up and be my boyfriend. I tell him i've started to see someone, but i want to stay friends. We meet up a few months later at a mutual friend's. He gets drunk and tells me he loves me. He is clearly hurt and feels like I chose my boyfriend over him. I explain to him that I couldn't wait around forever. He has brought up this argument a lot ever since. He starts casually seeing the girlfriend he initially broke up with. he is reluctant to commit to her. My boyfriend then breaks up with me after 3 months. Rob is the first person to call to check i'm ok. Thing is, when my boyfriend breaks up with me, my first thought is that I am now free to pursue things with Rob. After a month, I tell him I want to start things with him (I am over my boyfriend). He seems to want to, but is torn between pursuing things with me or trying to reignite things with his ex. He tells me he thinks we'd be amazing together etc.etc. He comes to see me one day, we kiss and things get heated. I tell him i'm not taking anything further until he has finished everything with the girl he is seeing. Then suddenly, he calls and tells me he's decided to give things a go with her. two weeks later they become official. I am furious - what did he plan on doing if we had slept together? I call him a sleaze and a coward, and tell him I'm not interested in being his friend. I feel I should give up on him at this point, and end contact. Another part of me feels we love each other, we have been best friends and would be an amazing couple. I know him well enough to know he is staying with the current girl because it's easy and he doesn't have to put his feelings on the line with her, which is something he is terrified of doing. It is frustrating as hell because I know he'd be happy with me, and he knows it too. He's just too scared to take the risk. Should I give up? Is there anything I can do?! Link to post Share on other sites
mummyjonno Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I have a long history with a friend named Rob. We first met at uni, almost 4 years ago. We got along almost instantly and became really good friends while working on a project. He had just broken up with a long term girlfriend, and I was with my then boyfriend. Nothing happened and we got out of touch a bit. A year later and I've broken up with my boyfriend. Rob comes onto me instantly, telling me my ex wasn't good enough for me, etc. etc. I'm not ready for anything, so I rebuff him initially. We don't get to see each other very much, but when we do he expresses an interest in me. We begin to get close again. However at this point, I notice he has started sleeping around A LOT. Friends with benefits and one night stands. This puts me off pursuing anything romantic with him. On top of this, my breakup is particularly messy - it essentially drags out to last a year. During the end of this year, when I am finding it particularly hard, Rob and I grow close because he has been through it before and offers a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, we end up sleeping together a few times. It's amazing, but I end up moving home for a year after uni. During this time we still talk occasionally, it turns into a friendship again. He meets a girl and starts dating her. I make plans to move back, and he has broken up with his girlfriend at this point. We talk increasingly and it is implied we will become a couple, thought never said outright. When I move back, he is suddenly reluctant to meet up. He then tells me he is not ready for a relationship (he has had commitment issues since his initial breakup). I accept this, and begin seeing someone else. I have just started a new relationship when he calls me and tells me he still has feelings for me, that he was just afraid but that he'd had a heart to heart with his best friend about it and wants to meet up and be my boyfriend. I tell him i've started to see someone, but i want to stay friends. We meet up a few months later at a mutual friend's. He gets drunk and tells me he loves me. He is clearly hurt and feels like I chose my boyfriend over him. I explain to him that I couldn't wait around forever. He has brought up this argument a lot ever since. He starts casually seeing the girlfriend he initially broke up with. he is reluctant to commit to her. My boyfriend then breaks up with me after 3 months. Rob is the first person to call to check i'm ok. Thing is, when my boyfriend breaks up with me, my first thought is that I am now free to pursue things with Rob. After a month, I tell him I want to start things with him (I am over my boyfriend). He seems to want to, but is torn between pursuing things with me or trying to reignite things with his ex. He tells me he thinks we'd be amazing together etc.etc. He comes to see me one day, we kiss and things get heated. I tell him i'm not taking anything further until he has finished everything with the girl he is seeing. Then suddenly, he calls and tells me he's decided to give things a go with her. two weeks later they become official. I am furious - what did he plan on doing if we had slept together? I call him a sleaze and a coward, and tell him I'm not interested in being his friend. I feel I should give up on him at this point, and end contact. Another part of me feels we love each other, we have been best friends and would be an amazing couple. I know him well enough to know he is staying with the current girl because it's easy and he doesn't have to put his feelings on the line with her, which is something he is terrified of doing. It is frustrating as hell because I know he'd be happy with me, and he knows it too. He's just too scared to take the risk. Should I give up? Is there anything I can do?! All sounds very childish to me. You want to both with someone, you do it. You don't get dumped, demand someone dumps their partner and then get upset when they don't. You are playing games with eachother, you need to break the chain. Either date him or don't. However make your mind up and stick too it. You will never have a healthy relationship with this hanging over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coralsmith Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 We're not intentionally playing games, we just can't get timing right it feels. Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You called him a coward for him not doing something you wanted him to do. You were furious with him for not choosing you (when you didnt even sleep with him during the recent try). Dont expect him to ever take you seriously again. I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Personally I think he just wants to have sex with you. I think the other girl is proabably more important. Its Whatev. It is childish Link to post Share on other sites
Author coralsmith Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 You called him a coward for him not doing something you wanted him to do. You were furious with him for not choosing you (when you didnt even sleep with him during the recent try). Dont expect him to ever take you seriously again. I wouldn't. I called him a coward for other reasons I didn't go into detail with. I was furious with him for trying to sleep with me, when he obviously hadn't made the decision to end it with someone else. I didn't sleep with him during the "recent try" because he was involved, to some extent, with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mummyjonno Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 We're not intentionally playing games, we just can't get timing right it feels. If timing is wrong that many times that is probably a ginormous hint. He chose someone else, quit pining. He clearly doesn't want you that much otherwise he would have chosen you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 this isnt a good dynamic a lot of push/pull......yes/no......to me this isnt a recipe for an amazing couple........ you stated that you feel he doesn't want to put his heart on the line...who really does but the thing is, when you really care for someone...it would be worse not to put your heart on the line...the what ifs would feel a hell of a lot worse...... 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson If he isnt willing to put his heart on the line for you.....he doesnt love you enough.....it would be cool if all love was immediately comfortable that you could get past the honeymoon phase and just go straight into knowing someone like you know your own heart......he has been with this woman before so they get to skip that stage of getting to know you straight into comfortability and predictability........reading each others needs and desires like a well worn book....i freaking love that stage...i like surprising my guy with insight into how he is feeling or thinking, makes me smile when my guy looks surprised and then suspicious....i love being able to read hearts at that stage of knowing a guy in a relationship.......but yeah .....have to go through the awkward confusion and not knowing them first, to get there...... this guy isnt for you ...let him go....find someone who loves you who jumps off a ledge for you like you are willing to do for them.......good luck ...deb 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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