ambermoeba Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I seem to keep falling at the hurdle somewhere between exchanging numbers and getting a date. Although I have had a couple of people ask me out, it is (typically) the ones I actually think are cute that end up stopping texting... one guy after on-and-off texting for a few months, during which he asked me on two dates I couldn't make, and another who stopped after he got my college wrong and I corrected him. Would you consider it acceptable to send "last resort" texts, like "I'm volunteering at this live music event Friday, it's going to be really good! You should come!" Or is a guy who gives up after asking me out twice and another who is put off just by a correction not worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I'm not surprised that some guys would give up after two rejections. I think after you've put a date off once (or twice) then it's only polite to offer the guy another opportunity or at least take the initiative to get in touch. As for the correction, it depends how you corrected him. If he was sensitive, or you were a bit abrupt, he might have just decided you were too annoying or rude to bother with. Remember that even if you were trying to be kind, tone can get lost over text message. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Depends on how much you (think you) like them. I've done this before but be careful because you always run the risk of looking desperate. And if you're going to do it, make sure you don't do it in the middle of the night, or the day/week before you have something big planned or a busy schedule ahead of you. If you're lucky, these "nudge" texts might result in a date being scheduled for some time in the (very) near future. Now, another thing, if they respond, pay attention to what they say and how they say it. If they seem to be responding solely for the sake of not being rude, don't even entertain that, just delete the number and move on because they're not interested. On the other hand, if they seem receptive/open to restarting the conversation, don't shy away from being bold and asking to reschedule something outright. I'm pretty straight forward so personally, I generally come right out and say "it's been a while" or something similar but if they've already gotten to know me at least a little bit, this blunt style should come as no surprise to them and (hopefully) doesn't appear desperate. A simple "it's a shame we never had that date" should suffice. As an aside, the guy you think blew you off for correcting him doesn't exactly sound worth pursuing tbh. If he's put off by something as simple as that imagine how whiny and insecure he has the potential to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ambermoeba Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Good points! Any ideas for how to re-initiate contact? I'm a bit on the shy side for too much directness. The first person I've had a couple of conversations with since, one I initiated, both about research projects (we're both science students), but I may give it another go. The second person did indeed come across as a little insecure, which is certainly an issue, but at the time was a refreshing change from the usual over-confident "player"-type in clubs... I suppose it's a matter of finding the right balance! Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 When you reject a guy you're interested in who asks you out, you need to make it REALLY clear you do actually want to see him. This is because 90% of the time a girl who isn't interested will make an excuse rather than simply say she's not interested, therefore you must do something different to show that you're not just doing the same thing. Otherwise he WILL assume you're just trying to let him down nicely. One thing you can do if you genuinely can't make it is to suggest an alternative date and time. If your schedule is too hectic from that, try specifically saying you'd like to see him, and he shoud get in touch with you again next week (or some other specific date) when you will be able to sort something out. Again, the point is to offer him something concrete and specific, rather than vague suggestions or possibilities. Also, there's nothing to stop you asking a guy out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 If I ask someone out and they say no (whether it's because they're busy, they're washing their hair, whatever) then I won't ask again. If you say you can't make that day then it's up to you to tell me what date you CAN make. Ball is in your court. I think you need to communicate better, rather than just waiting for the guy to do all the work. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mummyjonno Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Again I can understand why a guy would give up with you turning him down. In that case I would ask him out, so that he knows you are interested. In the case where a guy stops texting and hasn't asked you out. I say give up and delete their numbers. If they wanted to know you they'd make an effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 As another poster stated, when you are a guy asking out a girl you don't want to keep asking a girl out and be THAT guy who doesn't get the hint that she isn't interested. At some point as the guy you just say forget it. I think the text you were thinking of sending is a little overly keen (i.e. trying to sell the guy on a reason to come). What did he ask you to do before? Was it a particular event or a coffee kind of date? You can say something like "my schedule has cleared up, how about that coffee we were talking about before"... To invite him to come to something you are volunteering at doesn't sound like an ideal date from the guy's perspective. He might blow it off thinking you just want to be friends and you won't really get a chance to chat anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Or is a guy who gives up after asking me out twice and another who is put off just by a correction not worth it? The first guy probably thinks you're a flake and the second guy, I'd say, is not worth it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Don't compound the humiliation of being turned down twice by treating him like a woman and asking him out. Just send a text saying something like "Thinking about you. :)" Get him back to talking with you, flirt with him, let him ask you out again and if he does cancel whatever else you're doing and make the date. Forget the second guy entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I seem to keep falling at the hurdle somewhere between exchanging numbers and getting a date. Although I have had a couple of people ask me out, it is (typically) the ones I actually think are cute that end up stopping texting... one guy after on-and-off texting for a few months, during which he asked me on two dates I couldn't make, and another who stopped after he got my college wrong and I corrected him. Would you consider it acceptable to send "last resort" texts, like "I'm volunteering at this live music event Friday, it's going to be really good! You should come!" Or is a guy who gives up after asking me out twice and another who is put off just by a correction not worth it? Well first off I don't do incessant texting, so that saves me the trouble of worrying about it. Call me and ask me out please, that's pretty straight forward and no way to get loss in the mire of texting where one can easily make up excuses about not getting it or feel the anxiety of waiting for a response. But in any case: if a guy is into you and wants to see you, he will ask you out again. Plain and simple. Don't send "last resort texts", that alone sounds horrible. And if you correct him and he disappears, let him stay gone. Neither of these people seem worth it. Don't get into the habit of forcing it with people who aren't as into you as you are them. It's not worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tetley Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yeah! Lets everyone beat up on the 'insecure guy'. Going around showing an interest, texting people. Then stopping when he finds out no fun to talk to. Bastard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ambermoeba Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 I think the text you were thinking of sending is a little overly keen (i.e. trying to sell the guy on a reason to come). What did he ask you to do before? Was it a particular event or a coffee kind of date? You can say something like "my schedule has cleared up, how about that coffee we were talking about before"... To invite him to come to something you are volunteering at doesn't sound like an ideal date from the guy's perspective. Before he just asked if I wanted to meet up for lunch. It's been two months since we last texted, so I'm kind of thinking it's too late for your suggested text, but more suggestions are welcome! I wouldn't consider the music event a date, just an excuse to get the ball rolling again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ambermoeba Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yeah! Lets everyone beat up on the 'insecure guy'. Going around showing an interest, texting people. Then stopping when he finds out no fun to talk to. Bastard. I'm not saying he was a bastard. He seemed really sweet, which is why I'm pretty dissapointed he stopped texting. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Before he just asked if I wanted to meet up for lunch. It's been two months since we last texted, so I'm kind of thinking it's too late for your suggested text, but more suggestions are welcome! I wouldn't consider the music event a date, just an excuse to get the ball rolling again. You could send that text to everyone in your phone contact list. Sadly, it's one people will look and and say 'meh', then delete it. You blew it by canceling on the first guy twice. That he even tried a second time showed his level of his interest. Live and learn. Don't, I repeat don't, text someone for months before getting around to meeting in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Well first off I don't do incessant texting, so that saves me the trouble of worrying about it. Call me and ask me out please, that's pretty straight forward and no way to get loss in the mire of texting where one can easily make up excuses about not getting it or feel the anxiety of waiting for a response. But in any case: if a guy is into you and wants to see you, he will ask you out again. Plain and simple. Don't send "last resort texts", that alone sounds horrible. And if you correct him and he disappears, let him stay gone. Neither of these people seem worth it. Don't get into the habit of forcing it with people who aren't as into you as you are them. It's not worth it. I'm going to have to agree with MissBee on this one BUT at the same time, if you REALLY feel strongly about sending that last resort text if only because you don't want to live with the what if's, then do it. You never know until you try. The worse case scenario? They'll reject you and then you can move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ambermoeba Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) This is all very contradictory to the whole 'playing hard to get' line of thought. Not that I would do that intentionally, but as I apparrently come across as the "relationship-type" I would prefer to err on the side of caution! Edited May 8, 2014 by ambermoeba Link to post Share on other sites
Tetley Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I'm not saying he was a bastard. He seemed really sweet, which is why I'm pretty dissapointed he stopped texting. I was just suggesting that Guy #2 might have lost interest if he had perceived no interest on your part / got bored / met someone else. Not texting just because you corrected him is possible but not something anyone I know would have done. You should get in touch with both guys again - show a bit of interest. I think you'll be pleased you did. Try talking over the phone if you're comftable with it. If they ask you out - say yes or offer an alternative date. If not, and you're feeling bold, enough ask them out. Most normal guys will ask a girl out once, twice, maybe three times. After that it's 50:50. They're either besotted or sociopathic. Best of luck ambermoeba! Link to post Share on other sites
DArtagnan2 Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I think the hardest thing when two people want to start or do start to date, is the getting past their own perceptions of what is, what might be or what for sure isn't. I think we tend to try to figure out what someone is thinking or feeling instead of just asking them. I think there is a "vibe" , "connection" or some sort of "thing" going on between people when they interact; which can be a positive or negative experience. Its what keeps two people engaged or causes two people to disengage. If just one person starts feeling off, insecure, nervous or whatever it may be, you can be sure, the other person will also feel some of those same things. When one disengages, for whatever reason, you can guarantee the other person will feel something is off and start to back off as well. It can cause a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication and sometimes, hateful or hurt feelings, for no real reason either. Communication is just as key when you are dating as it is in a relationship. I think we all make the mistake at one time or another, in judging what is going on with someone else based on our own perceptions of what is going on. When in reality, it isn't anything close to what we may 'think" it is. I have been guilty of that. Where I thought someone just stopped responding or seemed uninterested so I ended up backing off as well. Found out several months later when we finally happened upon each other again, that she was thinking the same and so she backed off. I felt and still feel, what a waste I allowed to happen. Who knows what could have became of it, but now we are here. With all other kinds of what if's maybe I should's or shouldn't do's and so on. If there is someone you are interested in, and they seem to back off, don't just assume, reach out and say, "hey whats up? You still feel like getting to know each other?" I know its hard to put yourself out there with a direct question that could yield an unfavorable response. I think thats why most people don't just come out and ask, that they try to figure it out themselves so to avoid that. But we all need to put on our big boy and girl pants if we ever want to find someone we really could have and want in our lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Words of wisdom above I actually feel sorry for the male of our species. If you like a guy never say 'you have my number, call me'. Always be more enthusiastic. 'I enjoy being with you. I really hope you call me soon.' Kiss him of the cheek and give a big warm smile. Give him confidence to pick up the phone. Then when calls be equally enthusistic! 'Ive been thinking about you and so happy you called ' So simple. Gets rid of all the doubts, uncertainties. My brother once stared at the phone for an hour before calling a girl. Then, after a date he was was in the same state before calling her again. Poor guy had to go through it twice. My 2 sisters and I giving him all types of advice. It would have made a good scene on a sitcom. It's sad women have to treat so many guys like a retard in order to keep them chugging foward. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yeah when I asked out girls regularly I found giving them fewer chances on flaking and instead trying to focus on getting more numbers (and thus a better chance of finding a girl that would never flake on me) was a better approach. So for me, asking you out twice would have been a maybe once you cancel. Twice would be your last strike. I'd say ask them out, be specific about a time and place, and don't make it a concert or whatever you were talking about (group event). Whatever you ask him out on you want it to seem like a date, rather than something two friends would do. Clears up the intentions of the thing. I couldn't disagree more on if he liked you more he would ask you out again. Guys are trying to avoid wasting a bunch of time on girls that aren't interested in them to begin with. Flaking twice is a pretty clear sign usually of a lack of interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Just pick up the phone for god's sake. You'll know in two minutes by the tone of his voice and how interested he is in what you have to say, whether or not there's interest there. You can't text someone a half a thought or few words after two months of silence adn expect anything to come of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Screw all these rules and go with whatever you feel like doing. I mean if you're not doing anything saturday night (or whenever) and he's not doing anything, why not go on a date? If you both have a good time that day, plan it again! Something may come of the relationship, something may not, but why not take a chance? What do you have to lose really? Sometimes we over complicate dating (I am certainly guilty of it too). If you reach out to him and he doesn't respond, then at least you can move on without looking back! This is one of rare those times YOLO actually applies--you live only once so why not size an opportunity if you're still interested in him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ambermoeba Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 If anyone is interested in what happened next, I didn't text the guy I had turned down. A few days after I ran into him, he bought me a drink and we ended up talking under the stars until the early hours. We went on our first date a few days ago and now text regularly, so I'm very glad I waited! Link to post Share on other sites
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) If anyone is interested in what happened next, I didn't text the guy I had turned down. A few days after I ran into him, he bought me a drink and we ended up talking under the stars until the early hours. We went on our first date a few days ago and now text regularly, so I'm very glad I waited! Im not sure about the being "very glad you waited", I mean what if you didn't run in to him, you would never know he would have still entertained the idea. Now, I would be happy if I ran in to someone that I decided to chicken out and not text. So I mean no disrespect, but the end result just shows that the other person may still be wanting to here from you even after two rejections. So based on all the conversations here on LS and in general, reach out and say hey next time. You won't always have the luck of running in to someone you want to. I am glad you did run in to him, thats really cool. Have fun. Edited May 23, 2014 by DArtagnan2 Link to post Share on other sites
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