Dating (new to the world of dating) - Best options?

[solway86]

I'm 28, male and from the United Kingdom. Due to various personal circumstances (not that I'll mention them here, personal safety and all), being disabled (neurologically, not physically) and concentrating on self-improvement issues / training / work / family / travel etc., dating hasn't been an issue for me until now.

 

I'm new to the world of dating, and this site looked like an ideal place to ask.

 

However, what I am thinking about is what the best options are / where the best places are to meet people for a few dates safely which could potentially form a long-term relationship. If the date doesn't work, what have I lost? Well, not too much.

 

I've ruled out:

 

• Dating sites - Too much risk of spam / scammers, identity fraud, some behind a paywall and too expensive, no identity verification etc.
  
• Social media / Facebook - risk of "cyberbullying", identity fraud, etc. and not interested in social media anyhow.
  
• Work - Not all employers permit employees dating in the same company even if they work across different sites (I do travel between sites in my work, but not very often). Also, it has too much issues regarding legal liability etc. - not what I want to happen. I'll keep it as strictly friends in work. As they say, "don't dip your pen in the company ink".
  

However, what I was wondering is are these good ways to meet people?:

 

 

 

• Speed-dating nights - At least over here in the UK they tend to have them on various nights of the week, sometimes the tickets cost about £12 (that's like $21.88 at current exchange rates) and they're in bars. I have heard mixed reviews about them but at the same time it's a low-cost way I suppose.
  
• Introduction / dating agency - Identity is verified, but cost is an issue, and other issues.
  
• Introduction through friends / family - But not a blind date (obviously I have to meet the person).
  

I'll be honest, I have low confidence around women in terms of dating, but not being their friend, I'm good in that area.

 

 

In terms of the women I like, I tend to go based on personality rather than looks, I am open-minded about race - Indian, Afro-Caribbean, Latin American, Central European etc. - as long as they have a decent personality then I am open to dating them; interracial dating is not an issue for me.

 

 

All advice is appreciated; and sorry if this is a bit lengthy!

[ChooseTruth]

I think it's pretty easy to avoid spammers\scammers on dating sites. It's usually fairly obvious and those kind of profiles are the exception not the rule. Anyway, that's what I'm doing right now. Match and OKCupid are the two sites that seem to work best from what I've seen.

[d0nnivain]

With low confidence, I would give internet dating sites a chance. Be careful & pick a for pay site (few chances of spammers) but it couldn't hurt. You have the ability to chose your words.

 

 

Also going to singles events or meet up groups might help.

 

 

Join a group that does something you are interested in to meet people with common interests.

[Mrin]

I think it's pretty easy to avoid spammers\scammers on dating sites. It's usually fairly obvious and those kind of profiles are the exception not the rule. Anyway, that's what I'm doing right now. Match and OKCupid are the two sites that seem to work best from what I've seen.

 

Ditto. I wouldn't be scared of them and you'll get some experience.

[hasaquestion]

Outside of meeting people by going out, its got to be Tinder

[solway86]

With low confidence, I would give internet dating sites a chance. Be careful & pick a for pay site (few chances of spammers) but it couldn't hurt. You have the ability to chose your words.

 

 

Also going to singles events or meet up groups might help.

 

 

Join a group that does something you are interested in to meet people with common interests.

 

Thank you for your advice!

 

Finding something I am interested in that is a viable way to meet single people as well is the hard bit... because my work covers that, to some extent. Sports I've ruled out, as I'm not sporty, so finding a suitable hobby is hard.

 

I was avoiding the dating sites because I need to have in-person interaction, not just the problems with scam/spammers etc. so that's probably why I was investigating singles events etc.

Edited April 29, 2014 by solway86

[crederer]

Well I agree with avoiding dating sites. That will be extremely damaging to your self esteem if you're new at it. Guys get rejected like 90percent of the time.

 

Work can also be tricky if the company is relatively small.

 

I'd say the route with the best odds is either talking to friends and family, see if they know anyone that's looking to date and to have them set something up. Or doing it organically which means basically anywhere. You see someone you think you might like you go up and start a conversation and take it from there.

 

Those have been where I find the most success.

[solway86]

Well I agree with avoiding dating sites. That will be extremely damaging to your self esteem if you're new at it. Guys get rejected like 90percent of the time.

 

Work can also be tricky if the company is relatively small.

 

I'd say the route with the best odds is either talking to friends and family, see if they know anyone that's looking to date and to have them set something up. Or doing it organically which means basically anywhere. You see someone you think you might like you go up and start a conversation and take it from there.

 

Those have been where I find the most success.

 

I can't really start a conversation with a woman I like in a flirtatious kind of way, it nearly always ends up being more like me talking to a friend, I'm not confident with flirting. I've seen people I like... but lack the confidence to admit it to them, sometimes.

[Joangel]

You can cross the Atlantic and date me! Just kidding you sound nice guy. Anyway, I will be entirely honest with you, I've tried it all with no luck. At this point I am waiting for serendipity to strike. For me, all those methods felt forced. After all the nonsense I came to one conclusion. I think if you are meant to be with someone you will find them somehow, some way. Could be tomorrow while pumping gas or on line buying milk. Just live your life, work hard, and be happy someone will walk into your life eventually.

[PogoStick]

Why do you put up so many roadblocks for yourself? No sports, avoiding colleagues, no social media, no dating sites. You've already cut your prospects by 80%.

 

You need to work on a considerable amount of self-improvement. It should be your mission to address your weaknesses. You should force yourself into all the things that make you uncomfortable:

1. Be physically active. Every guy needs this. Get into lifting, running, cycling, martial arts...something!

2. Talk to girls, flirt with girls, ask them out, get rejected.

3. Get hobbies

4. Join social groups: these tend to come from # 1 and 3, which is why you need them.

5. Enlist your friends and family to help

[solway86]

Thank you for your advice

 

Why do you put up so many roadblocks for yourself? No sports, avoiding colleagues, no social media, no dating sites. You've already cut your prospects by 80%.

 

Not everyone has to or wants to use social media; it's their personal preference. I just stick to Gmail/Hotmail and email as online social media (granted, Gmail gives you Google+ but I never really use it).

 

As for the part about avoiding colleagues, well, I do socialise with them once a week outside of work., but they tend to be much older (late 30s-early 40s). As for no sports, not technically true... see below.

 

1. Be physically active. Every guy needs this. Get into lifting, running, cycling, martial arts...something!

 

I was physically active, doing cycling with people from work [i work with disabled adults, but can't say much about my job for confidentiality/data protection reasons] but had a cycling accident, and was off the road until about around late 2012, so wasn't able to cycle as much as I would like.

(Physio etc., arm injuries etc. stopped it for a bit)

I do play golf, but that's an occasional thing, and tends to be male-dominated, but again with same age-group (sort of).

 

2. Talk to girls, flirt with girls, ask them out, get rejected.

 

I did... but it came out a bit ham-fisted (I was following advice off a radio show called Late Night Love which was on some years ago) and affected my confidence (not the rejection part, the asking out because I sounded too unconfident)

 

3. Get hobbies

 

The funny thing is, some of my interests are part of my job description... so it could be a busman's holiday doing them outside of work!

Finding a good thing to do is the hard part. I'm not good with an instrument, so it rules out music as a hobby (well, to that extent). Nor am I artistic (except maybe for learning Photoshop, but that's more of a work skill possibly ?)

 

4. Join social groups: these tend to come from # 1 and 3, which is why you need them.

 

True, but it's the issues of cost and how far to travel to them, which is why it's become a slight issue for me.

 

5. Enlist your friends and family to help

 

I will try.

 

I hope I've given a realistic overview of things.

[PogoStick]

I've used meetup.com and we just met a couple days ago because one of the members is moving away. We have a dinner group for age 20s and 30s. We pick a bar or restaurant 1-2 per month. We have around 20 regulars and others who come less frequently. I looked around the group the other night and realized something. There were now 3 couples who met in that group. Over the months there have also been various "hookups". Those are decent odds for spending $20 or so every few weeks. I had an appetizer and 2 beers for $15.

 

When i was in a bigger metro I was part of a volleyball group. We'd get around 30 people showing up. Often people who show up would then organize plans to meet for drinks or see some local musicians. Plenty of opportunity there. How much did the vball group cost? 2 dollars. There was a beginner net so anyone could play. No excuses there.

[normal person]

 

I've ruled out:

 

• Dating sites - Too much risk of spam / scammers, identity fraud, some behind a paywall and too expensive, no identity verification etc.
  
• Social media / Facebook - risk of "cyberbullying", identity fraud, etc. and not interested in social media anyhow.
  
• Work - Not all employers permit employees dating in the same company even if they work across different sites (I do travel between sites in my work, but not very often). Also, it has too much issues regarding legal liability etc. - not what I want to happen. I'll keep it as strictly friends in work. As they say, "don't dip your pen in the company ink".
  

However, what I was wondering is are these good ways to meet people?:

 

Look, the whole process of dating requires a bit of vulnerability. You're affectively presenting yourself as a potential boyfriend or partner and you're going to face judgment. It's not for the faintest of heart. You need to step out of the box, take risks, and accept that it's not the most comfortable experience. Right now you're emanating fear through the computer and if you're anything like this in real life, women are going to notice it instantly and be turned off.

 

You're a 28 year old man who's about to let hypothetical spam and cyberbullying (???) stop him from meeting a woman online. To get a little, you need to give a little. I urge you to step out of the box. The internet is probably your best option if you've never tried it. I'm not saying don't do the other stuff, but don't disregard this stuff either because it's becoming the way of the world these days.

[solway86]

Look, the whole process of dating requires a bit of vulnerability. You're affectively presenting yourself as a potential boyfriend or partner and you're going to face judgment. It's not for the faintest of heart. You need to step out of the box, take risks, and accept that it's not the most comfortable experience. Right now you're emanating fear through the computer and if you're anything like this in real life, women are going to notice it instantly and be turned off.

 

You're a 28 year old man who's about to let hypothetical spam and cyberbullying (???) stop him from meeting a woman online. To get a little, you need to give a little. I urge you to step out of the box. The internet is probably your best option if you've never tried it. I'm not saying don't do the other stuff, but don't disregard this stuff either because it's becoming the way of the world these days.

 

True... but I also need to do it in-person as well, I am taking some risks, but trying to be realistic as well.

 

It's not so much about fear, but rather more I stuck a bit too closely to the "don't-give-out-too-much-personal-info-online" I was taught as a child back in 2001/2002, and I can't rely on the Internet for everything. My main Internet usage is research, usually visiting sites like Edmunds, stackoverflow, ConsumerGuide, etc. rather than social media sites and YouTube etc.

 

I suppose learning how to take risks in person is one thing I do need to do, especially with regard to dating.

Edited May 1, 2014 by solway86

[GravityMan]

Dating sites generally require thick skin and an ability to write well in a concise manner (profile) and textually communicate well in a lighthearted manner (messages). Oh yeah, and good quality photos, ideally including some that appear to have been snapped "in the moment" and one or two that depict you in a fun, social setting. People tend to be pickier on average on dating sites compared to IRL encounters. Figuring out how to stand out is important...a lot of profiles tend to look and read the same, which can quickly bore people. The "average Joe" (in looks, personality, interests, career, etc.) might do pretty decently on the dating scene when meeting women IRL...but that same guy may barely get any attention on a dating site.

 

You probably shouldn't actively avoid dating sites...they are still an option and your chances of meeting someone good are greater than zero.

 

Your concerns about work are valid, and it's understandable that you don't want to dip your pen in the company ink, even if the company allows coworkers to date each other. Dating someone you work with is risky...s**t can get bad if things don't work out. All a woman has to do is utter "sexual harassment" to HR and there's a very good chance that you will be quickly fired regardless of the truthfulness of the claim. Companies generally don't mess around with that, otherwise they can easily find themselves in legal hot water. Anyway, it really boils down to how much you value your job and your career when it comes to dating in the workplace. If you value it a lot then don't do it.

 

Your best bet is probably meetups and joining groups that cater to your interests and hobbies. You'll make friends that way (provided you're not a jerk) and expand your social network. Maybe you'll meet a nice woman in the group, or a friend may introduce you to a woman he/she knows, or you may get invited to friend-hosted parties where single women may be. In any of those cases, you're not a complete stranger.

 

And yes, you need to step outside your comfort zone in general. Folks who do that (ideally with some confidence) are generally considered to be more attractive and fun. Dating involves taking risks. One of the best ways to learn and experience new things is to make yourself a little vulnerable to the outside world.

[solway86]

Your best bet is probably meetups and joining groups that cater to your interests and hobbies. You'll make friends that way (provided you're not a jerk) and expand your social network. Maybe you'll meet a nice woman in the group, or a friend may introduce you to a woman he/she knows, or you may get invited to friend-hosted parties where single women may be. In any of those cases, you're not a complete stranger.

 

And yes, you need to step outside your comfort zone in general. Folks who do that (ideally with some confidence) are generally considered to be more attractive and fun. Dating involves taking risks. One of the best ways to learn and experience new things is to make yourself a little vulnerable to the outside world.

 

Good point, thanks for the ideas! However, some of my interests (computing/IT, which is also my work, too - I work for a small charity [but can't say much about the work for legal/data protection purposes]) may fall into busman's holiday territory. However, my other interests ; cars, cycling, golf etc. tend to be male-dominated though, which somewhat lessens the opportunity to meet single women (but it doesn't in making friends, which is also a good thing!). I have been to the odd classic car / motorbike festival now and then but it tends to be a very "couply" thing to do.

 

As for finding a friend-hosted party, I will have to do that - good idea. Most parties I tend to go to are family ones as it is.

 

I'm not bad at talking to new people per se; I can talk to the old person at the bus stop etc. and have to for my job anyway.

 

I suppose I have taken myself outside my comfort zone a bit in the past few years visiting new towns etc. / tourism and trying new foods/cuisines (which is a hobby of mine), so I am part of the way there, in terms of risk-taking.

Is itmore of a social thing ? (However, with regards to travel.. the disadvantages of having a relationship with someone who is 1 hr 40 mins away by train [i can't drive for medical reasons] may be an issue, at least in financial terms).

[Eddie Edirol]

I was physically active, doing cycling with people from work [i work with disabled adults, but can't say much about my job for confidentiality/data protection reasons] but had a cycling accident, and was off the road until about around late 2012, so wasn't able to cycle as much as I would like.

(Physio etc., arm injuries etc. stopped it for a bit)

 

 

I did... but it came out a bit ham-fisted (I was following advice off a radio show called Late Night Love which was on some years ago) and affected my confidence (not the rejection part, the asking out because I sounded too unconfident)

 

Im gonna make it easy for you, go for the Cycling to meet people. I think that will be your best bet. Women love guys that are physically active, and you'll meet many interesting women cycling. You just have to find out where they all are.

 

As for the confidence, that just takes more practice. You have to sort of "run into" the good convos to use to sound more confident. But you have to talk to a woman for like 20 minutes to a half an hour to really get a read on her to know if shes comfortable enough with you to ask for her number. You dont have to ask her out first meeting. But many women will smile in your face and give you her number just to get rid of you. Thats where you have to read her to see if she is actually interested in you. See if she asks you questions about you. If she just sits there and lets you talk, most likely she isnt interested.