jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I'm confused to what direction and where I am with this girl over POF. My initial contact with women requires me to look through their profile, skip the conventional 'Hey' and to proceed with things I found interesting or in common. However, what initially started with a few questions about her interests turned into a full-blown discussion about a book and more about philosophy. Lately, I have having a surprisingly formal conversation with a woman about a book. I have no experience to how far I should be going in this conversation-- I feel as if I gleaning light into what she thinks but not anything specifically personal. I think I'm looking too far into a lot of little things. She has replied in the mornings, and I can't help but think she's not that into me but rather treats our writing as intellectual exercises. A bit like having a coffee conversation at your local bookstore or Starbucks. Any help would be much appreciated. Please feel free to ask questions that you may think could be pertinent. I'm not really sure what might be crucial.
Eivuwan Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I'm confused to what direction and where I am with this girl over POF. My initial contact with women requires me to look through their profile, skip the conventional 'Hey' and to proceed with things I found interesting or in common. However, what initially started with a few questions about her interests turned into a full-blown discussion about a book and more about philosophy. Lately, I have having a surprisingly formal conversation with a woman about a book. I have no experience to how far I should be going in this conversation-- I feel as if I gleaning light into what she thinks but not anything specifically personal. I think I'm looking too far into a lot of little things. She has replied in the mornings, and I can't help but think she's not that into me but rather treats our writing as intellectual exercises. A bit like having a coffee conversation at your local bookstore or Starbucks. Any help would be much appreciated. Please feel free to ask questions that you may think could be pertinent. I'm not really sure what might be crucial. Who knows. Maybe she finds it sexy that you can hold intellectual conversations with her. If you find it too impersonal, change the topic once in awhile and see what happens. I think you should just ask her out on a date and see what's it like in person. 7
todreaminblue Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I am under the assumation that you have just met this woman .....i think its normal to talk about what you are passionate about....if she wanted to have an intellectual conversation she would probably talk to someone who she has talked with before.....i doubt that she wouldnt have anyone to discuss such topics with...she chose to share a passion with you whatever book or intellectual pursuit it was.....if some women shares a passion with a guy its normally a sign that they find a connection there and they want a conversation to continue for some time...thats logic to me...dont know about other women...its what i do ...or sometimes i just talk about hypnotising chooks thats normally when am stressed out i just go blah and say something really random .face palm imminent...going why why i would worry more if she talked about the weather or the new pair of shoes she bought....... what did you find negative about the conversation...???.....deb 1
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I am under the assumation that you have just met this woman .....i think its normal to talk about what you are passionate about....if she wanted to have an intellectual conversation she would probably talk to someone who she has talked with before.....i doubt that she wouldnt have anyone to discuss such topics with...she chose to share a passion with you whatever book or intellectual pursuit it was.....if some women shares a passion with a guy its normally a sign that they find a connection there and they want a conversation to continue for some time...thats logic to me...dont know about other women...its what i do ...or sometimes i just talk about hypnotising chooks thats normally when am stressed out i just go blah and say something really random .face palm imminent...going why why i would worry more if she talked about the weather or the new pair of shoes she bought....... what did you find negative about the conversation...???.....deb Initially the question was about what the story was about. First response jumped into the moral attitudes about the characters, about responsibility. I think I may have put her off by my response, but I tried to ask out of curiosity about what she defined as free will and if one of the characters was completely absolved of any responsibility the other had over the latter character's actions. She clarified and said no to both, and responded to another question I posed about what she thought of hedonism. She asked me what my craziest experience was so far and I haven't gotten back to her yet. Responding to the first part of her latest viewpoints made me even hungrier to discuss. She mentioned that she was going to travel for a school trip in hopes of finding work across the country. That and a trip a week after this networking event with her friends. It's been the third message I've sent her. They are rather lengthy, perhaps 3-5 paragraphs in length with 2-5 sentences each. To be honest, I don't know if girls like guys who are just stupidly funny. I try to lighten the mood with random funny situations, sometimes sarcastic but all in good fun. Like how she used wikipedia to cite her source.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Who knows. Maybe she finds it sexy that you can hold intellectual conversations with her. If you find it too impersonal, change the topic once in awhile and see what happens. I think you should just ask her out on a date and see what's it like in person. I should do that. I just don't want to make it abrupt.
Chocolat Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I'm not put off by the conversation. She may be someone who prefers meaningful discourse. But this caught my eye: She mentioned that she was going to travel for a school trip in hopes of finding work across the country. If she's planning a move, it doesn't sound as though she's in a place for serious dating, unless you live in a really tiny country. Like Lichtenstein. 1
BlueIris Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I consider conversation key to discovering whether someone is compatible with me. It’s far more important than looks. So when you’re telling each other how you think and feel about things, you are being personal, in my opinion. You’re showing each other who you are. To me, men who don’t or won’t converse are the same as people who don’t have a picture. Men whose conversation shows we have very different values and views are the same as people whose picture is very unattractive. If you want to conceal your thinking and feelings about things, it's kind of like have a fake or misleading picture, in my book. If you consider this kind of discussion dull or unsatisfactory, you’re not a match. 4
kodakgirl Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I love it. I'm an intelligent academic type and so are most of the fellows who interest me, so it almost always happens at some point while messaging online and/or when we first meet. With the last fellow I met up with from online I was practically writing a historiographical essay as a message, because he'd asked with genuine interest. I actually joked about how very sexy that was and he said it was probably the sexiest message he'd ever recieved, haha. That isn't my norm but I am always really glad to have some form of intellectual discussion before meeting a fellow-- if there's no chemistry at least we can have a good talk! (And that has always held true). Then, if there's intellectual discussion AND chemistry...! My best first date ever included points where I talked about the problematics of the term 'Celtic Studies' and gave an abbreviated history of the Jacobite rebellion... he was utterly captivated, which made me feel special, which meant a lot more than the history! (He got his turn to talk about his academic stuff too, which captivated me). I do always alternate this kind of thing with personal discussion and silliness, though, and it is entirely dependent on their level of interest and feedback. However I get really excited and animated over the intellectual stuff I talk about-- it's pretty important for our compatibility that that appeals to him. 1
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think I'm stupid. I may have bored her to death with analysing the book lol. She did all caps 'PLEASE' in asking me to talk about the crazy adventure I had. Oh boy.
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 If you can both hold up your end of a deep conversation, that's way better than superficial banter. If you haven't moved from OL to IRL, ask her for coffee or to a book club soon. If the conversation arose during a 1st date, ask for the 2nd.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I consider conversation key to discovering whether someone is compatible with me. It’s far more important than looks. So when you’re telling each other how you think and feel about things, you are being personal, in my opinion. You’re showing each other who you are. To me, men who don’t or won’t converse are the same as people who don’t have a picture. Men whose conversation shows we have very different values and views are the same as people whose picture is very unattractive. If you want to conceal your thinking and feelings about things, it's kind of like have a fake or misleading picture, in my book. If you consider this kind of discussion dull or unsatisfactory, you’re not a match. I think it's fascinating and I did mention that I was very surprised that there was someone willing to talk in-depth about their favourite book. She did say she hadn't read the book from a year ago (which could suggest that she wasn't interested or didn't feel adequate enough to talk about it in length). How do you go about talking with someone about a book, without judging if you assume the girl doesn't want someone who is judgemental? You can't, if you use this conversation to glean into what kind of person she is. It's not merely academic... or is it? Perhaps when one explicitly states: 'I personally', or 'I think', this is where you can guide the other person to draw the line between what the author intended and what you truly believe. It can be difficult to not be serious though. When are some instances when you can throw in some comedy? I would do it in by coming up with a quirky analogy, perhaps bringing the conversation back to a higher level by things I may have noticed as analysts... Perhaps I'm just overthinking about this. It's usually not conscious with how I behave.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 If you can both hold up your end of a deep conversation, that's way better than superficial banter. If you haven't moved from OL to IRL, ask her for coffee or to a book club soon. If the conversation arose during a 1st date, ask for the 2nd. I will do exactly that. Another issue that might come up is that she'll be away for two weeks when she's on the other side of town. Perhaps that's too long? I'm wondering if I should continue keeping up with talking to her. Being penpals wasn't what I had envisioned, but I wouldn't mind it. Problem is that some flake so easily...
BlueIris Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Yes, you’re overthinking. Enjoy the conversations. Be yourself. Be engaged, curious, and listen, exchange, build off each other’s thoughts and ideas. That’s IS confidence and openness, and as kodakgirl said, sexy! Beware of the qualifiers you used: “if you assume” and “merely” academic. Do you sincerely mean to disparage or assume? Or are you just listening to mindless twits who spout off about what women like and want and who mistake bravado and pretense for confidence? OP, any guy who is “fascinated” (by damn near anything that involves thinking) has just skyrocketed from a 2 to a 9 in my book. Not kidding. There are people out there who don’t find anything fascinating and it is painful to sit at a table with them. OP, what is happening is good. 3
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I feel like I'm taking a page out of 500 days of summer haha... Definitely having fun so far. Oh the humanity.
BlueIris Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Oh, and be kind about rotten typing/ punctuation. "Some people" just get so excited they type like idiots. ahem.
TXGuy Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Your posts are not clear about whether all this 'talking' is text, email, phone calls or face to face. If you have not yet met face to face, ask her out now. Continuing long, involved text/email conversations without setting up a real life meeting is a sub-optimal strategy.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Your posts are not clear about whether all this 'talking' is text, email, phone calls or face to face. If you have not yet met face to face, ask her out now. Continuing long, involved text/email conversations without setting up a real life meeting is a sub-optimal strategy. It's on POF's messaging. The conversations have been so involved, I haven't mentioned seeing each other in person yet.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 AH! I remember I did mention that I preferred meeting someone in person: I feel it may be easier to talk in person about these things. I don't quite settle as penpals for people I am physically fond of. This was in my second message to her.
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I will do exactly that. Another issue that might come up is that she'll be away for two weeks when she's on the other side of town. Perhaps that's too long? I'm wondering if I should continue keeping up with talking to her. Being penpals wasn't what I had envisioned, but I wouldn't mind it. Problem is that some flake so easily... How big is your town? I don't see how being on the otherside of town constitues being away. Just ask already or your fingers will get tired typing these long discussions.
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) How big is your town? I don't see how being on the otherside of town constitues being away. Just ask already or your fingers will get tired typing these long discussions. Whoops I didn't mean to say town. I meant country. I need more coffee. Edit: Sent her a short message to ask if she wanted to meet. Depending on whether she wants to will possibly save me from having to write about my crazy experience she wanted to hear about. Edited April 25, 2014 by jonsnuh
Chocolat Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 How big is your town? I don't see how being on the otherside of town constitues being away. He said in the OP that she is looking for work on the other side of the country, so it doesn't sound as though she's in the market for a LTR. 1
Emilia Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Initially the question was about what the story was about. First response jumped into the moral attitudes about the characters, about responsibility. I think I may have put her off by my response, but I tried to ask out of curiosity about what she defined as free will and if one of the characters was completely absolved of any responsibility the other had over the latter character's actions. She clarified and said no to both, and responded to another question I posed about what she thought of hedonism. She asked me what my craziest experience was so far and I haven't gotten back to her yet. Responding to the first part of her latest viewpoints made me even hungrier to discuss. I think she is giving you rope to hang yourself with. She is trying to work you out through innocent and hypothetical questions. It's something that I do too. She mentioned that she was going to travel for a school trip in hopes of finding work across the country. That and a trip a week after this networking event with her friends. So she isn't going to stick around?
Author jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think she is giving you rope to hang yourself with. She is trying to work you out through innocent and hypothetical questions. It's something that I do too. So she isn't going to stick around? Did she think I was lying? I'm not sure how to proceed. I'll just be honest with every response I give, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being played. She said it was a school trip for networking.
FitChick Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think she is giving you rope to hang yourself with. She is trying to work you out through innocent and hypothetical questions. It's something that I do too. Me, too!
GemmaUK Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 She is not going to date you. She has turned that off 'dating bit' and is just debating a subject. That's all.
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