how to lock this girl down?

[ktya]

Been dating this girl for just over 3 months now. Shes filipina. Works her a** off at times over 100 hours a week. Wont get into all the dating history but yes we've had sex many times and she's stayed over. Says that she loves me not laying it on too thick but the words get exchanged between us regularly.

 

A month or so ago she moved to a different city. I was dating this Korean girl and when she was about to move she was about to break it off with me, said she met a nice guy in this other city she was moving to. She asked about the Korean girl I told her I wasnt seeing the girl anymore because she was nutbar.

 

Girl professed to me she was so jealous of the Korean girl, that she really loved me. Definitely didnt get broken off she stayed over at my house two nights in a row after that, thats when the L-bombs started getting dropped.

 

She is still seeing a guy over there, apparently a filipino guy younger than her who she works with. She visits here once a week or so its only 4 hours away and she has family here. She always makes some time to at least visit me for lunch or to come by where I work so I can see her.

 

The multi-dating thing in and of itself doesnt bother me. When I met her we were both multi-dating and we've never agreed to get exclusive even though early on I tried (probably too early) and I've shared with her that I'm crazy about her. I've gone on dates too (some of which I posted here about on LS) but what I am finding is that each girl I date makes me want this one even more.

 

And crazy about her I definitely am. When I broke up with my ex I swore that I would just date girls because I've spent 17 years in cohabiting relationships looking for the wife and the white picket fence. I'm 37 now so while rugrats BBQs and ballgames arent impossible the sun is setting on that whole chapter of my life.

 

This girl makes me blush every time I see her - and I am not a shy person I'm in sales. All she has to do is smile. If I'm upset or angry all she needs to do is look into my eyes and give me a hug and it all goes out the window. I have as good of a time just holding this girl naked in bed as I do having sex with her, and the sex is incredible, somehow this girl gave me the stamina to do hot passionate sex for 7 hours in one night with her. I usually last a long time but 7 hours is crazy.

 

My dilemma is that she lives 4 hours away in another city now and with all the overtime she works it is difficult to see her. Plus being filipina her family is quite conservative from a catholic background she has to sneak over a day early to stay over at my house, because she can't let them know she is sleeping over. They know she is dating a filipino guy over there (and they for some reason dont like him but they do like me I met them once) and me over here, but the staying the night thing is a big deal to them.

 

I really would love for her to be my girlfriend, just go exclusive, get it over with and for us to go down that trajectory. She's already told me a few times she loves me more than the other guy. I dont feel jilted, she is very thoughtful she was going to come over and stay the night just this Saturday and took the time to voice call me at 645am on Friday to let me know she ended up with a shift today and couldnt make it so I could make other plans. I talk to her on the phone or by text every day or two.

 

Right now the angle I'm playing is to just be the cool guy, not clingy and not needy while expressing exactly how I feel about her. Wait for this younger guy she works with to blow himself up, he sounds a bit intense - she's commented that he comes over to her house all the time and she doesn't get much time to herself. Shes actually moving at the end of the month possibly to keep him from showing up at random.

 

I think I need to step up my game though. She hasnt slept over at my place for a month, between a combination of crappy work schedules and a terminally ill relative. I've had a few dates but like I said every girl I hook up with I end up just wanting to tell them to bugger off because I want this girl. The aloofness helps with my dating game but I find the broads kind of annoying.

 

Its weird. I was engaged to a girl I was with for nearly 9 years, I never felt this strongly even about her. This girl gives me a hug and a kiss and I feel like I've been transported to another planet.

 

Keep on the angle I'm playing? Seems to be working at keeping her engaged at least. Step it up and ask for more? She knows what I want and with her being in a different city its kind of complicated. (Shes contemplating moving back but due to job complexities and pay rates thats easier said than done).

 

Not sure what to do here. I did the 3 month dating anniversary card and she loved it, talked to her on the phone for over an hour today and told her exactly how I feel about her. She's not running but she's not getting any closer.

 

I think being a filipina might have something to do with it (shes only been in north america 4 years). Shes also trying to process an annulment in the Philippines (which is very difficult and expensive) and trying in parallel to get a divorce here. I think in some way she doesnt feel OK with having a "boyfriend" while she is still legally married, despite that she hasnt been with the guy for 8 years the marriage is just still valid because its so difficult to get an annulment in the Philippines.

 

Im crazy about this girl. I thought after I broke up with my ex I would just date chicks, and that's what I've been doing. This girl, I could totally marry her. I'm not a nutbar I'm not going to drop that bomb willy nilly - but she's asked me about it right down to if I'm an athiest would I be ok with getting married in a church.

[Noproblem]

I really hate it when there are all these other people, but that one person we are crazy about.. So, unfair !!!!!!!!

 

Well, I wouldn't keep on telling her I love you, that will give her the power, specially since she is with another guy and you are right now single.

 

You didn't tell us how old is she, that might give us more clue about the situation.

 

If she truly loves you, she won't be dating another guy too.

I mean at some point she would leave him, right?

 

So, just tell her that at this point, you feel more comfortable if she make up her mind and chooses one instead of two. Tell her, You can wait if you know for certain that she is serious about you, but if she's not, she better define what you two have..

 

Is it a relationship or it's a friend with benefit thing or side affair.

 

I mean she won't leave that guy if she didn't know you were serious about her and wanted to become exclusive.

 

She might think you are just there for the sex and fun..

 

So, tell her what you want and let's see

 

Definitely, don't show her how crazy you are about her.

 

I mean it's OK to tell her you love her, but don't tell her how much!

[ktya]

yes its tricky

 

but I am crazy about her

[ktya]

You didn't tell us how old is she, that might give us more clue about the situation.

 

She is 32, I am 37.

 

If she truly loves you, she won't be dating another guy too.

I mean at some point she would leave him, right?

 

I think in a way she's torn between literally two worlds. The guy shes dating over there she works with him and he is a filipino, hes younger than she is. I'm a white guy. I dont expect her to get serious with the other guy.

 

I asked her if he was her boyfriend and she was very adamant that he is not her boyfriend and that she has no boyfriends - that she is just dating. I think it all gets jumbled up when you throw in that she's waiting for her divorce to be finalized on paper back in the Phillipines as well as here.

 

Is it a relationship or it's a friend with benefit thing or side affair.

 

I did ask her about this because I wanted to understand. I wouldnt want to hold out if she was really in love with the guy. She was quite adamant that she's just dating him. She's dating two people, this guy and me. She's quite honest about it all, I was talking with her on the phone for an hour yesterday about a variety of things and I let her know how I feel about her. She let me know she was going on a date after work.

 

She might think you are just there for the sex and fun..

 

Thats what I thought initially.. But she was the one who started dropping the L bombs. She just said to me completely straight faced, "____, I love you. And I'm not joking." She brought up whether I'd be OK getting married in a church. Brought up having kids, what her timeline for getting married and having kids was, etc. That was over a month ago. Just a week or so ago she asked me, "____, when you said you would marry me, were you joking?" to which I said no of course I wasnt joking.

 

Definitely, don't show her how crazy you are about her.

 

I mean it's OK to tell her you love her, but don't tell her how much!

 

Too late!

 

She wants to get married in a year and have kids in a year or two. Her current work pays her double the rate she could get here but she now has the hours to put in for a transfer but a transfer could take time although with a transfer she would get paid the same higher rate. She has family here who want her to move back.

 

My gut tells me that its the other guy who is there for sex and fun, and if she moves back here we could get more serious especially once the legal stuff is finalized.

 

From my end while I'd love it if we went exclusive and committed even if I'm just dating her on a weekly basis it works for me. I have a lot of crap to do since my ex left, who was a borderline hoarder and she left me with a lot of bills and projects. Having the girl somewhat at arms length gives me the time and space to get things done; so if and when the girl does move back and if we do decide to get serious it will be fresh start not me still dealing with problems left behind to me by my ex.

 

Just it would be easier on me if we were exclusive now. The girl works so much (6 days / wk sometimes 13 hours a day) I cant imagine shes got much time to get wrapped up in much of anything.

 

While I know she works with the guy they do floating shifts so hes not working with her all the time. Plus I've dated a girl I worked with before and it became all talking shop and working together plus seeing eachother outside of work it got old pretty fast. Tack on that he's younger than she is (probably 27 or 28 to her 32) I'm not too concerned about him.

[Lyn77]

"This girl, I could totally marry her."

 

I just think it's really cute to see a guy want to lock a girl down.

Keep it up, the world needs more men like you.

[ktya]

"This girl, I could totally marry her."

 

I just think it's really cute to see a guy want to lock a girl down.

Keep it up, the world needs more men like you.

 

I think there is some merit to the saying, when you know you just know.

 

This girl still makes me blush after dating her for three months and I never blush. I smoke cigarettes regularly and when this girl comes over I'll go from smoking a pack a day down to two cigarettes. And best of all, its not because she's on my case about it - she just has this thing about her that transports me to another planet.

 

Its really weird. I love it but I didnt think at 37 I'd feel this way about anyone.

[Phantom888]

Dude, you are too old to be playing games. You are sleeping with women, and you get freaked out when someone talks about love? You are setting yourself up for disappointment because women don't respect men who multi-date. You would not be considered "a keeper". So you are okay with other men ****ing the woman you are dating? Frankly I would not put up with that crap.

[ktya]

Freaked out? I'm mad crazy about this girl.

 

Your out to lunch buddy. Go eat some more fried bread.

[Popsicle]

Dude, you live 4 hours away. It won't work.

 

Would have made more sense to locked her down when you lived near each other.

[Cpt]

End well this will not. End it with this girl. I know Asian women well, there are 2 types, the extremely good ones and the extremely bad ones. Do you want to take a guess which type she is?

 

Run fast and far away. If you have to ask why, then run even faster.

 

Lyn77 the world does not need more men to behave like this.

[topaMAXX]

Dude, stay away from the girls that sleep around....especially the old ones. Pretty soon, she's be too old to have children.

 

You should know all of this at your age....

[Vyliss]

It sounds like bad news to me too. She's not properly divorced, sleeping with 2 guys and throwing the I love yous and marriage talk around even know she's not committed to anyone.

She's bad news. What she is doing is using you emotionally because clearly she's getting sex somewhere else. All she cares about is herself.

If she really loved you like she said, she wouldn't sleep with this other guy and she would also move back to where you are right now instead of moving AWAY from you.

When she says "I love you" she just wants someone to love her, and you're giving her what she wants, so she's stringing you along right now. But that's all you are to her.

See, men use women for sex, women use men emotionally. The further she pulls away, the more you want her. She knows this now (by moving away you've proven it), so that's what she'll keep doing to keep you hooked.

 

My suggestion is to just end it. Stop giving her what she wants. She will prove to you herself if she truly loves you or if she was just using you.

[atlg8r]

I agree with the later replies. A woman in love isn't sleeping with someone else. Further, the description you have given here of your "love" for her doesn't sound to me like anything that would be sustainable. It's all about feelings and emotions, which are fleeting.

 

My fiance and I were exclusive at his request after only a month of seeing each other, so I won't say that three months isn't long enough to have an idea, but if you don't see each other but once a week at most, it's really easy to become infatuated with the idea of someone. Totally different if you're seeing them every day.

 

I'd proceed with a TON of caution, if at all.

[AmyLee]

I'm in two minds about this.

 

Yes, as a woman I would not typically multi-date or sleep around if I was really into someone I was seeing, so I can see where the latter posters are coming from.

 

On the other hand, you've made no clear commitment to her and by your own admission are playing it cool. She's given you the I love yous and hints of marriage talk. What have you given her, to show her how you feel? How forthcoming have you been about the way you feel, certainly not as forthcoming as you've been here?

 

I'm not saying lay it on thick but I would step it up a little. Maybe hint a little about what you're feeling. Be playful about it if you like, so it doesn't feel like you're completely putting yourself on the line. But I think you need to start making your intentions a little clearer. "Do you ever think about coming back to live in this city?" "You're pretty amazing, I wish I could spend more time with you." "I don't like having to share you." etc. etc. Start digging a little more to see whether or not she'd be interested in something firmer.

[rubberman]

If your'e 50+, overweight and a have a big fat wallet. Then you already have her locked in.