starrynightz45 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I've known this guy for about a year, but we were just friends. We just started dating 3 weeks ago. Since we already know each other somewhat, it's not really the same as two strangers who have been dating for 3 weeks. Still, we have a lot of "getting to know you" to do. Also, I think it's pretty clear on both ends that we are only seeing one another even though there is no "label" on it yet. Anyways, things have been going great. We talk/text daily and spend either Friday or Saturday together on the weekends. I let him initiate all contact, but I always respond and make it clear I'm as into him as he is into me. Now, there is a formal event coming up at our grad school that I've known about for a month and intend to attend with my friends. However, since we weren't dating when the event was announced, there was no reason for me to mention it to him. Since we've only been dating for 3 weeks, again, I felt too awkward about bringing the event up at that point. Last week, he suggested getting dinner with him and asked me to invite my friends as well (from the same grad school). I thought that was a nice gesture/attempt to get to know my friends and it went well. During the dinner, one of my friends brought up the event. He quickly asked if I was thinking of going, and when I said yes, he said we'd talk about it later. A couple days later, he brought up the event and asked if I really wanted to go and if I wanted him to go with me. I KNOW for a fact that he absolutely hates formal events (think prom), so I told him that I would prefer if he came, but that I didn't want to force him. He said that I mean a lot to him and that he's willing to do things for me, so he will come if I want him to, but that he really hates formal events and would basically not be excited about it (he's a very direct and blunt person, which doesn't bother me, I like it). I'm still hesitant to put all my cards on the table and basically tell him "I would love nothing more than for you to come" so instead I repeated that I'd really like for him to come, but that I wouldn't pressure him and I'd understand if he'd rather not. He asked how I'd feel about going alone without him, and I said I would go alone if he didn't attend. He then asked me to give him a couple days to think about it, but said that if he decided not to come, he'd "make it up to me." Now I kind of don't know how to feel about it, and my friends are saying vastly different things. Part of me feels like if I'm really important to him, he'll suck it up and come because he knows I would obviously rather have him come as my date. All of my friends are in relationships and will have dates except me and one other girl. I also know for a fact that it would not be OK with him for me to take another guy, so that's not an option. Another part of me wants to be understanding that he just hates these types of events, but that it's ok because he's willing to make it up to me and that it doesn't necessarily mean I'm not important to him. I'm just looking for some opinions. How would you feel in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah, tell him to suck it up and come with you to the event. I think that you are more important than his issues with those kind of events. That is if you want him to come with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah, tell him to suck it up and come with you to the event. I think that you are more important than his issues with those kind of events. That is if you want him to come with you. Well it's too late at this point to go back and tell him "no you have to come." Also, I just don't feel that's the right way to go. I don't want to force him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Go back to him & say some of what you said to us. Tell him you were reluctant to ask because you know that formal events aren't his thing but now that you have thought about it you would really like him to come as your date. If he says no, respect that but start shopping around for a new guy. Men who can't put on a tux for a few hours to make their ladies happy are useless. What else will he be stingy & uncaring about in the long run. If you are in grad school presumably you are getting an advanced degree; guess what? RL comes with black tie work events. What are you going to do, go alone for the rest of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Go back to him & say some of what you said to us. Tell him you were reluctant to ask because you know that formal events aren't his thing but now that you have thought about it you would really like him to come as your date. If he says no, respect that but start shopping around for a new guy. Men who can't put on a tux for a few hours to make their ladies happy are useless. What else will he be stingy & uncaring about in the long run. If you are in grad school presumably you are getting an advanced degree; guess what? RL comes with black tie work events. What are you going to do, go alone for the rest of your life? You're right, but I'm just worried as coming across as too pushy/too demanding to soon. It's only been about 3 weeks. It's not too much to pressure him into coming to a formal event with me, kNOWING he absolutely doesnt want to be there? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Well it's too late at this point to go back and tell him "no you have to come." Also, I just don't feel that's the right way to go. I don't want to force him. ok, i am going to disagree with the others and basically agree with what you've said yourself above. your posts sound reasonable and stable--surely some of the qualities he likes about you. Also there's a confidence in what you said when you both talked openly and honestly....sooooo I wouldn't waffle and go back and change mind and be demanding. Next time yes demand what you need at time of "negotiation". I would proceed as if you are going alone and make it a really fun night for yourself and your friends...and MAKE SURE he knows about it. If he comes around before then, well then i guess it's ok if he goes with you but he honestly doesn't sound like he will be much fun right now with it. So if he does offer to go, say "are you sure, i really want to have a good time" or something to that effect to let him know he better bring his a-game. That's what he really owes you. And may be what he's afraid he can't give you at a party. (like donnivan said, you gotta find some way to help him through this because otherwise the future is going to be boring-- but that's another post). It couldn't hurt to throw a couple of innocent things in there that might make him a little jealous. I think he clearly likes you a lot and wouldn't worry about that part. He's just being stubborn, scared and selfish about going. Let him do that and then hint at what he's missing. 3 weeks in is perfect time to set things straight. Everything that doesn't seem to go the way you want it (ie him going to party as your date) is an opportunity to fix something that may be a bigger problem down the road. Long term you want someone who goes to these things with you willingly and happily and is at a decent level socially. You won't necessarily get that if you force him to go this first time. Let him sit it out or make his own decision and rise to your level. Otherwise you will start a not-so-great pattern of parties he doesn't want to go to but does because he's obligated to. Go and have a great time seriously. and then let's see what happens next time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I think you have handled this very well. It is completely understandable if he doesn't want to go, and I think it is really nice that he would try to make it up to you if he didn't come. In a partnership I would completely appreciate the way you have handled it, and I would be glad I wasn't with someone that would force me to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 Update Well, he texted me to ask if I could meet him tomorrow before our class to talk about the event. I'm assuming that means he's going to tell me he's not coming right? I figure if he was going to come, he'd just text me about it and then we would be able to talk about it later. I'm going to play it cool and tell him it's ok if he says no. But I'll be somewhat upset. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) just found out he dislikes formal occasions? you do not know him as well as you think, my two cents, he may never change, so you will have to concur, at least, now and again and he said he will make it up to you, perhaps he can not afford the required clothes, may be it is that and he is embarrassed Edited March 12, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 just found out he dislikes formal occasions? you do not know him as well as you think, my two cents, he may never change, so you will have to concur, at least, now and again and he said he will make it up to you, perhaps he can not afford the clothes, may be it is that and he is embarrassed No, I've always known he doesn't like formal events. This is why I never mentioned the event to him in the first place. My friends mentioned the event when we were all out together having dinner. Since then, he's been the one asking me if I really want him to come, etc. and I told him I would like him to come, but wouldn't force him. He's well off, so the cost of clothing is certainly not an issue. I do appreciate him saying he'd make it up to me if he decides not to come. I guess I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling that a guy who truly, truly cared would agree to come for my sake. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 No, I've always known he doesn't like formal events. This is why I never mentioned the event to him in the first place. My friends mentioned the event when we were all out together having dinner. Since then, he's been the one asking me if I really want him to come, etc. and I told him I would like him to come, but wouldn't force him. He's well off, so the cost of clothing is certainly not an issue. I do appreciate him saying he'd make it up to me if he decides not to come. I guess I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling that a guy who truly, truly cared would agree to come for my sake. So, correct me if i'm wrong, this means that he will never attend a formal event with you ? Are you ok with this ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 So, correct me if i'm wrong, this means that he will never attend a formal event with you ? Are you ok with this ? Lol, no I highly doubt that's what it means. I know I didn't go into much detail. He doesn't like formal events in general but it's this particular event that he doesn't want to attend because it's associated with our law school (he doesnt have many friends at our law school, but I do) and because it is a law school equivalent of "prom." Link to post Share on other sites
Author starrynightz45 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 Although I could be wrong. It's too soon for me to know really. I have no idea if he'll always refuse any formal event, or if it's really just this event he doesn't want to go to. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Well If I were your bf i'd be a little jealous Link to post Share on other sites
WLFL Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I am very relaxed about these kind of things. And I find that the more relaxed you are, the more likely the guy is to join you! If I asked my bloke to come with me and he said something along the lines of "Ahh I really don't enjoy events like that", I'd just say "No problem" and suggest we see each other later that night or something. And leave it there. In my past relationships there have been many times where I haven't wanted to go somewhere. If it really meant a lot to the guy I'd of course go, but if he gave no indication as to it's significance, I wouldn't see the issue in not going. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Sigh. I personally really don't like formal events, given the option I wouldn't go. I would even try to get out of it.. I must be very undesirable as a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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