Dantee Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I'm lost. I'm 25 and just realized that a girl whom I've been crazy about for a couple of years is just not interested in me. When I first met her she had a boyfriend and even though I developed feelings for her I didn't want to ruin her relationship so I kept quiet. When she and her boyfriend broke up like a year ago I thought that that could be my chance to step into the picture. I didn't want to proclaim my love right off the bat since she just got out of a relationship and that could have scared her away. Instead, I decided to hint my interest by texting her frequently and trying go out with her. She made a lot of excuses in order to avoid seeing me 1 on 1. Whenever I got her to go out with me she would bring a friend. I kinda realized what was going on but I had what one might call 'a false hope'. When she declined another meeting yesterday I got f*cking furious. I'm a bit of a shy guy so it's hard for me to initiate, propose ideas, start conversations instead of replying. But I still did all those things for a whole year because I cared so much about her. She either didn't realize that I'm into her or she just didn't care. Anyway, after she refused to meet me yesterday (because she was writing her MA paper = another excuse in my opinion) I came to terms with the fact that we're not gonna be together. I deleted her phone number and uninstalled WhatsApp which was our main source of communication. Even though I still have feelings for her I'm not gonna live in 'false hope' anymore. I've had it. The story above is kinda sad but it's not my main source of problems. My biggest problem is that I'm looking for a relationship while being bad at picking up girls. I guess I'm average looking, fit (I work out 3 times a week to stay in shape), friendly once u get to know me and funny when I feel comfortable enough to joke around. I don't really have self-esteem issues. My mental state is ok – I have a dedicated group of friends, a cool job, a collage degree, I'm diamond in league of legends – everything except my love life is ok. My only problem is being a bit shy I think. Example: I saw a cute girl at Subway today. I wanted to come up to her and say something but I just couldn't. I guess you might say I pussied out. It just feels so unnatural to me to approach a stranger and start a conversation. The worst part is I kinda know what I should do. I should walk up to a girl and say: “Hi. I saw you sitting there and just think that you're really cute” (or something like that. You get the idea). Seems easy enough, huh? Well, I can't bring myself to do it. Whenever I try I freeze. I don't expect to find a golden solution here. I probably need to figure out some stuff on my own. I could use some tips though... If you made it all the way to the end of this post Thank you.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 A commercial company called Dale Carnegie offers classes in things like Making Friends & Influencing People. You can also read the book but the class is better. A group called ToastMasters helps with shyness But the best cure is practice. Make a point for a week to smile at a new person every day. The next week squeak out a hi. The week after that say something banal like I wish it would stop snowing or do you think it will rain today. Weather conversations are clichés for a reason. As you spend the next month having success with those little exercises, you will gain more confidence to talk to women you don't know. 1
BeachBoy1 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I'm lost. I'm 25 and just realized that a girl whom I've been crazy about for a couple of years is just not interested in me. When I first met her she had a boyfriend and even though I developed feelings for her I didn't want to ruin her relationship so I kept quiet. When she and her boyfriend broke up like a year ago I thought that that could be my chance to step into the picture. I didn't want to proclaim my love right off the bat since she just got out of a relationship and that could have scared her away. Instead, I decided to hint my interest by texting her frequently and trying go out with her. She made a lot of excuses in order to avoid seeing me 1 on 1. Whenever I got her to go out with me she would bring a friend. I kinda realized what was going on but I had what one might call 'a false hope'. When she declined another meeting yesterday I got f*cking furious. I'm a bit of a shy guy so it's hard for me to initiate, propose ideas, start conversations instead of replying. But I still did all those things for a whole year because I cared so much about her. She either didn't realize that I'm into her or she just didn't care. Anyway, after she refused to meet me yesterday (because she was writing her MA paper = another excuse in my opinion) I came to terms with the fact that we're not gonna be together. I deleted her phone number and uninstalled WhatsApp which was our main source of communication. Even though I still have feelings for her I'm not gonna live in 'false hope' anymore. I've had it. The story above is kinda sad but it's not my main source of problems. My biggest problem is that I'm looking for a relationship while being bad at picking up girls. I guess I'm average looking, fit (I work out 3 times a week to stay in shape), friendly once u get to know me and funny when I feel comfortable enough to joke around. I don't really have self-esteem issues. My mental state is ok – I have a dedicated group of friends, a cool job, a collage degree, I'm diamond in league of legends – everything except my love life is ok. My only problem is being a bit shy I think. Example: I saw a cute girl at Subway today. I wanted to come up to her and say something but I just couldn't. I guess you might say I pussied out. It just feels so unnatural to me to approach a stranger and start a conversation. The worst part is I kinda know what I should do. I should walk up to a girl and say: “Hi. I saw you sitting there and just think that you're really cute” (or something like that. You get the idea). Seems easy enough, huh? Well, I can't bring myself to do it. Whenever I try I freeze. I don't expect to find a golden solution here. I probably need to figure out some stuff on my own. I could use some tips though... If you made it all the way to the end of this post Thank you. I'm shy too. Here's the thing. Practice. Rome wasn't built in a day. Get out there and chat girls up all the time. On the train. On the sidewalk. At the store. Anywhere and everywhere. Develop your charm, charisma and comfort in these situations. You have to be smooth. You have to be funny. You have to strike when the irons hot. This goes for all girls but especially the really good ones. Practice on girls that are well within your ability to attract first, even if you're not that into them. Its a game people play because its fun. Don't do it with bad intentions. Be a nice and caring person, but girls also like a guy that takes what we wants when the moment is there. Practice, practice, practice. 1
Noproblem Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I was really an outgoing person in the past but for some stupid reason I changed big times and now I guess I'm shy It's hard I guess and I bet it's even harder for guys... First, I feel for you in your situation for the other girl, and I'm proud of you that you deleted her number; I know this took a lot of effort and power to do that. Second, like the other said...Just practice Girls are not gonna kill you, chances are they are shy too.. Just go there and talk anything nice and not offensive. Relax and you never know what will happen.
HappyLove Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Another shy person here. Gotta start somewhere huh? First good for you for finally waking up and leaving that chick alone. And like everyone else already said, you gotta start small, start saying hi. That was a great line you came up with about being cute. Will it work? Not all the time but you never know it could work the very first time you try it! The point is to try and know that it's hit or miss but the reward is that it gets easier. You also don't seem as shy as you think. I mean you went after your crush. Do you know how many people just stare from the sidelines for YEARS at their crush? But she's made it clear you need to move on. I think once you start talking up a few cute girls you're going to surprise yourself at how good you are at it.....then we may have created a monster. Good luck! 1
Noproblem Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 You also don't seem as shy as you think. I mean you went after your crush. Do you know how many people just stare from the sidelines for YEARS at their crush? But she's made it clear you need to move on. I think once you start talking up a few cute girls you're going to surprise yourself at how good you are at it.....then we may have created a monster. Good luck! I have a question Is it possible for shy people to be normal around other girls|boys but can't peruse their crush because they are shy?
Author Dantee Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 I find the advice usefull (in theory at least). It seems that the proper way to go is to start small and move up from there... It's gonna be hard to start the first actual conversation, though... I mean I know what to do now. I'm just still not sure how to do it. I was really an outgoing person in the past but for some stupid reason I changed big times and now I guess I'm shy Our situations are quite similar. I was much more outgoing in the past myself. Not sure what happened but I also changed.
mr_dave Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I have a question Is it possible for shy people to be normal around other girls|boys but can't peruse their crush because they are shy? Yes, absolutely! 2
hasaquestion Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I find the advice usefull (in theory at least). It seems that the proper way to go is to start small and move up from there... It's gonna be hard to start the first actual conversation, though... I mean I know what to do now. I'm just still not sure how to do it. You have a great perspective for someone who admittedly struggles with women IMO. Trying to "get a girl" is like walking into an exam. The difference between success and failure on an exam isn't anything you do on the day of the test - its the work you put in away from the exam. If you show up ready for the exam, then the rest will take care of itself. Likewise, guys who post here always seem to be asking about "what should I say to her", "what does she think about me", "what time of day should I call", "how do I make her like me", and all kinds of things that matter about as much as which seat in the classroom you take the test in. Find and chase your hobbies, enrich your life and career, expand your circles of social influence, be a listener, be as charming and outgoing as you can, and put your best self out there.... etc. Forget about the end result and worry about the process. 1
Hornylildevil Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Oh, dude, do I know where you're coming from! Shyness really, REALLY sucks! But it can be overcome. I'm old enough to be your father so let me give ya a little fatherly advice; do you want to be my age and look back and have regrets about all the lost opportunities, all the time you squandered? Trust me, son, no, you do not. Read books, take chances, challenge yourself. Don't be like me and have so many regrets because you will, young man. I don't know if this has helped but it was from the heart. 2
Versacehottie Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 what about for a week or so (and continuing), tell yourself you're not necessarily going to talk to anyone BUT notice all the things you COULD talk to them about. Like at subway, starbucks, workplace, anywhere. Just make mental notes--even real notes when you are home of all the situational stuff you noticed throughout the day that could have been good conversation starters. It will put you in the right frame of mind to not feel at a loss at a critical (and brief) amount of time where you see someone you want to start a conversation with. You will just begin to see the things you see as you go about your day as potential for connecting with others. And as someone said, start out on non-threatening targets>>>an old lady or old man with a dog, the person who is helping you at subway and has to talk to you but you make the conversation more social, and so on and so forth. Then see if you can do it with people that are more like your peer group. I wouldn't limit it just to women. Practicing being outgoing with WHOEVER has benefits to you beyond just getting a girlfriend. It just gets you more comfortable with others and your ability to socialize. Because even when you are super outgoing, trust me, your heart will be pounding like crazy when it's the girl of your dreams and you want to start a conversation--even with a lot of practice but it WILL make it easier. Being approachable and approach, can often lead to situations where people you'd like to talk to will talk to you because it's a vibe you start to give off or they actually see someone else chatting with you. Good luck!
Syconort Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I'd advise you don't come onto girls like that, unless you can clearly read their signals and you know they're attracted to you. I read a great piece of advice a while ago, and that is to "treat everybody like your best friend". It's that simple. Then who cares if you make a fool of yourself or make a joke that bombs. Be friendly, and you will win friends, and some of those friends will want more.
Author Dantee Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) I'm really thankful for all the advice. It's kinda hartwarming to see people like you reaching out any trying to help a person in my situation. I think now I have a vague understanding of what I should do. One thing is certain - I will take action. Even though it's gonna be hard due to my passive nature it's something that I have to go through in order to achieve my goal. Thanks, once again. If you have any more thoughts to share keep 'em coming Edited February 23, 2014 by Dantee 1
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