lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 so this guy I just went on a date with told me he's been with all types of women from each continent in the world. He is in early 40's. He married once in his 20's and never again since then. No kids. He's dated with a ton of exotic women lasting from two months to more than two years. He met most of them at a bar or an event/party. I'm pretty sure this man has too many serious problems. Commitment phobe is a major one. Since I'm pretty shy with relationship experiences, I'd like you guys to shed some light on my doubts. For a middle age guy like him, he apparently has had several dozens of what he claimed "relationships". Now he is alone again. So these several dozens all dissolved. Does that say some men like him are using relationships more as a convenience of free sex?
Keenly Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Getting so tired of the over diagnosis of the phrase " commitment phobe " What evidence are you basing his " serious problems " on ? If its just the simple fact that he is single and not married at 40, then that is pretty judgmental of you. 10
clia Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 If you are dating him, you are alone also, correct? So did you use all of your previous boyfriends only for free sex? 6
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 I just went on the first date to pre-screen him. Now I run away. I'm approaching 30 and I've had a couple relationships. I met my guys in school or work. He met his at bars/parties This guy probably has 40+ "relationships". Do you guys still think I'm making no sense? Whoever thinks he is a normal guy, a potential marriage material/family man, I have my sympathy on you, sorry 2
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 The three things that would give me a hint that he is just playing the field is that he went after a woman that is a decade younger, has multiple relationships, and has even traveled to get some of them. Also, the part where he only finds them at bars and clubs is the biggest one of them all. Which is weird. His picker isn't very good or he is after something other than commitment to be dating for as long as he did without anything to come from it. Despite that, you should date him and see if your fears is true which, judging from your last post, you ended up being correct.
todreaminblue Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I just went on the first date to pre-screen him. Now I run away. I'm approaching 30 and I've had a couple relationships. I met my guys in school or work. He met his at bars/parties This guy probably has 40+ "relationships". Do you guys still think I'm making no sense? Whoever thinks he is a normal guy, a potential marriage material/family man, I have my sympathy on you, sorry why are you seeking answers if you know them already?If you have a pre conceived notion that cannot be budged you dont have to be sorry you hold that opinion strongly....I question why you would be sorry for other people who dont hold your opinion.......or feel superior i dont hold your opinion because i believe today is a throw away society where it is too easy to throw away a relationship that is good more for menial reasons than just ones......it is quite possible he hadnt met the right person yet and is waiting to meet the right one....... i have no idea nor do you why the relationships broke up......lasting two years in a relationship......shows staying ability.......i class more than three dates a form of a relationship.....who knows what he classes a relationship as....my definition doesnt have to involve sex either.....deb
SYLLPalmer Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 so this guy I just went on a date with told me he's been with all types of women from each continent in the world. He is in early 40's. He married once in his 20's and never again since then. No kids. He's dated with a ton of exotic women lasting from two months to more than two years. He met most of them at a bar or an event/party. I'm pretty sure this man has too many serious problems. Commitment phobe is a major one. Since I'm pretty shy with relationship experiences, I'd like you guys to shed some light on my doubts. For a middle age guy like him, he apparently has had several dozens of what he claimed "relationships". Now he is alone again. So these several dozens all dissolved. Does that say some men like him are using relationships more as a convenience of free sex? Sex is free except in Nevada. Prostitution elsewhere in the US is considered a crime. I think you are asking if a man has so many relationships does it mean that he likely isn't vested in them emotionally and mentally. I think in his case the answer could be yes. But for sure he has no class to discuss such antics with you. Why the hell you didn't get up from the table and hail a cab or whatever is beyond me. Waste not another moment figuring this person out.
justwhoiam Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Who breaks up the relationships? Always him? Always them? 50/50? Edited February 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Threads merged into dating forum
antonio1149 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) As a middle-aged guy who can probably be viewed through the same prism, I think I'm qualified to comment on this. The bottom line is, you don't really know what's he's been doing, what his motives are, or what he's capable of. I have male friends who are serial daters who will never ever make a commitment but they like companionship and sex, so they date someone, "fall in love," then "fall out of love" and declare they are really just happiest being single. Then they try to get all the "post-relationship" sex they can while maintaining their freedom and if the woman was hooked enough, and doesn't have a lot of other options, they are usually successful. I have dated a lot in recent years but most of the women I meet are online and they usually have one problem or another. I have only had a couple of relationships during this period--the first woman I was sort of lukewarm about but thought it was worth a try. That lasted three months. The second one I really liked and thought had potential--that lasted a year, then she changed and it was over. So I probably look "commitment-phobic" but really, I just haven't met the right person which gets harder and harder with time. If you're very concerned, date him but make him win you over and hold off on sex for a few months. Edited February 5, 2014 by antonio1149 6
soccerrprp Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 It seems clear that you are projecting your insecurities regarding this guy's age and many partners. You have your reasons and frankly, you may be right, he may have commitment issues. Privately, many women would be concerned about a man in his 40s, with as many women he's had (he claims) and not married or committed. Just as there are men who are puzzled about women in that similar position. The thing I'm keenly interested in is how you know he's had that many partners in the manner in which you describe? Did he boast about his sexual exploits and the number of women he's had? If so, that tells you a lot about this guy and the best predictor of future behavior is the past. And he's only in his early 40s. Still plenty of time for him to play. If you are so insecure or uncertain then just cut him loose. You don't have to be his next play-thing. 2
Els Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Frankly, the best way to avoid being used as a 'convenience for sex' is to... not allow him to do it. It's as simple as that. If you're not okay with his past then by all means don't date him but I don't see the point in analyzing it to death. Just don't have sex early on and observe how he treats you, and go from there. 4
Revolver Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Well yes because in an a relationship you don't have to go out looking for sex every night anymore because it's always there at home and most men don't have some Bootycall on standby 1
pickflicker Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 so this guy I just went on a date with told me he's been with all types of women from each continent in the world. He is in early 40's. He married once in his 20's and never again since then. No kids. He's dated with a ton of exotic women lasting from two months to more than two years. He met most of them at a bar or an event/party. I'm pretty sure this man has too many serious problems. Commitment phobe is a major one. Since I'm pretty shy with relationship experiences, I'd like you guys to shed some light on my doubts. For a middle age guy like him, he apparently has had several dozens of what he claimed "relationships". Now he is alone again. So these several dozens all dissolved. Does that say some men like him are using relationships more as a convenience of free sex? Maybe he hasn't settled? It's better to not settle than to commit to someone just because "society" thinks healthy people should be in relationships. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 How do you know this guy isn't just bragging? Worldly, indeed.
RedRobin Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Yes, I'd say he's suspect. A guy in his 40's dating someone in their 20's... (shaking head) Every time a woman your age dates a guy his age, the guy gets the idea that this is what they can catch... and on it goes. IMHO, he's already showed his colors by telling you all about his exploits. Why would you want a guy who has been around the block like that? Toss this one back... for someone in his 40's he doesn't seem to exhibit even a little of the class and respect that SHOULD be present at his age. Not to mention... If you are going to go through the effort of basically being celibate while you check a guy out... don't waste it on some divorced 40 something international playboy dude either. What a waste of time. Find someone unmarried closer to your own age to spend your efforts, is my suggestion. Edited February 5, 2014 by RedRobin 2
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Hi everyone, I just want to thank you all for the great comments. I REALLY appreciate it. This forum is the best regarding love life. Well, I want to add some input here. Actually this guy was a professor of mine. You can look through my last thread for all the background details. As I mentioned in last thread, he has a solid full time big corporate job. When he was in school, I was totally falling for the way how decent and responsible he acted, and I chased him after. He was being receptive and a little passive until recent ago. He began to ask me out aggressively. That's how our first date started. On the first date, to my big surprise, unlike other men I dated, he didn't even bring me to a nice place for dinner. He said something like let's have a couple drinks first then go with the flow. THE FIRST BIG RED FLAG! The place he chose turned out to be a mediocre loud lounge that was not a fit for good date conversation. Then I initiated to change to a speakeasy one, we went there. Right on the way, he started asking my age. The second buzzkill. You don't ask your former student/lady of the night age stuff right before the date officially starts, OK?. It was rude. Why he was eager to find out, not sure. Because I sensed the thing between us might be toxic for me while ago, I decided to ask his love history right at the beginning, very frankly. He kept laughing but he was being very honest. He said in a semi-bragging, proud tone that at 40, he dated all types of women in the city from EACH CONTINENT in the world. He dated those immigrants especially from asia extensively. He never dated his own race or ethnicity, like white women because "they are boring". More interesting, for one or two particular countries, he needed quite a while to count the numbers he dated, like 5 or 6. (Think about all the other countries or continents, think about the total would be adding up to, everyone) When I mentioned how his most relationships ended, he gave me another RED FLAG: interests differ. That's total BS. And he went on saying that to live with someone will make the relationship going towards a very unromantic way. THIS! Totally disgusted me! This guy probably know nothing what true love is. Strong signal of commitment phobe, womanizer, etc The better yet to come, after I had a couple drinks, he started to show his real side. I would never imagine a professor would directly bring up sex on his first date: he asked me my opinion on his firm belief that SEX LEADS TO HAPPINESS. Right after, he kissed me on the lips suddenly in a seducing way without even asking for my permission. This sudden turn of his image made me just speechless. It was the most unpleasant date I went on. The way he acted was much worse than any nasty douchbags would do. My high hope on him as a man crushed completely that night What do you guys think?
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 The three things that would give me a hint that he is just playing the field is that he went after a woman that is a decade younger, has multiple relationships, and has even traveled to get some of them. Also, the part where he only finds them at bars and clubs is the biggest one of them all. Which is weird. His picker isn't very good or he is after something other than commitment to be dating for as long as he did without anything to come from it. Despite that, you should date him and see if your fears is true which, judging from your last post, you ended up being correct. I think he did all the three even though I'm not sure about the ages of his exes. I think you and I are totally on the same page. The best way for a decent professional to find girlfriend is through work connections or industry networking or mutual friends, right? This guy go to a ton of parties that not quite work related, and he told me that's where he met his exes. Go figure! No, I will not date him anymore. Refer to the story I added on page 2, I'm done. I'd love to hear more of your opinion though. Many thanks!
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Why did he divorce? Yeah, that's a big part I tried to figure out. His one and only marriage with a south American lasted three years in his 20's. No kids ever. My first thought was maybe he married too early. He had been on his long journey of endless "relationships" since then. He did say something like" when you start to live with someone, it will become very unromantic" When I mentioned future marriage or kids, he looked like that's totally not something on his radar. But he did give a crappy response like maybe.
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Sex is free except in Nevada. Prostitution elsewhere in the US is considered a crime. I think you are asking if a man has so many relationships does it mean that he likely isn't vested in them emotionally and mentally. I think in his case the answer could be yes. But for sure he has no class to discuss such antics with you. Why the hell you didn't get up from the table and hail a cab or whatever is beyond me. Waste not another moment figuring this person out. Thanks for the great input. Yes, I agree with you. I did leave briefly after I got sick of his interaction, please refer to the story I put on page 2. I "forced" him to tell me everything about his past love life. Because I don't want to waste time. He did that pretty well. I give him credits for that.
HappyLove Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hi everyone, I just want to thank you all for the great comments. I REALLY appreciate it. This forum is the best regarding love life. Well, I want to add some input here. Actually this guy was a professor of mine. You can look through my last thread for all the background details. As I mentioned in last thread, he has a solid full time big corporate job. When he was in school, I was totally falling for the way how decent and responsible he acted, and I chased him after. He was being receptive and a little passive until recent ago. He began to ask me out aggressively. That's how our first date started. On the first date, to my big surprise, unlike other men I dated, he didn't even bring me to a nice place for dinner. He said something like let's have a couple drinks first then go with the flow. THE FIRST BIG RED FLAG! The place he chose turned out to be a mediocre loud lounge that was not a fit for good date conversation. Then I initiated to change to a speakeasy one, we went there. Right on the way, he started asking my age. The second buzzkill. You don't ask your former student/lady of the night age stuff right before the date officially starts, OK?. It was rude. Why he was eager to find out, not sure. Because I sensed the thing between us might be toxic for me while ago, I decided to ask his love history right at the beginning, very frankly. He kept laughing but he was being very honest. He said in a semi-bragging, proud tone that at 40, he dated all types of women in the city from EACH CONTINENT in the world. He dated those immigrants especially from asia extensively. He never dated his own race or ethnicity, like white women because "they are boring". More interesting, for one or two particular countries, he needed quite a while to count the numbers he dated, like 5 or 6. (Think about all the other countries or continents, think about the total would be adding up to, everyone) When I mentioned how his most relationships ended, he gave me another RED FLAG: interests differ. That's total BS. And he went on saying that to live with someone will make the relationship going towards a very unromantic way. THIS! Totally disgusted me! This guy probably know nothing what true love is. Strong signal of commitment phobe, womanizer, etc The better yet to come, after I had a couple drinks, he started to show his real side. I would never imagine a professor would directly bring up sex on his first date: he asked me my opinion on his firm belief that SEX LEADS TO HAPPINESS. Right after, he kissed me on the lips suddenly in a seducing way without even asking for my permission. This sudden turn of his image made me just speechless. It was the most unpleasant date I went on. The way he acted was much worse than any nasty douchbags would do. My high hope on him as a man crushed completely that night What do you guys think? I think you are very smart and had this guy pegged from the start. The real question here is why did you waste YOUR time? 1
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Who breaks up the relationships? Always him? Always them? 50/50? Well, this is the trickiest part regarding WHO. I was pretty sure there would be no available truth from his side. Because he gave some very vague excuses like interests of the two differ or so. But you know what, I really have a bad intuition about him dumping quite a few of them after a while. He will never admit that. Edited February 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Extraneous quote and response redacted
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 As a middle-aged guy who can probably be viewed through the same prism, I think I'm qualified to comment on this. The bottom line is, you don't really know what's he's been doing, what his motives are, or what he's capable of. I have male friends who are serial daters who will never ever make a commitment but they like companionship and sex, so they date someone, "fall in love," then "fall out of love" and declare they are really just happiest being single. Then they try to get all the "post-relationship" sex they can while maintaining their freedom and if the woman was hooked enough, and doesn't have a lot of other options, they are usually successful. I have dated a lot in recent years but most of the women I meet are online and they usually have one problem or another. I have only had a couple of relationships during this period--the first woman I was sort of lukewarm about but thought it was worth a try. That lasted three months. The second one I really liked and thought had potential--that lasted a year, then she changed and it was over. So I probably look "commitment-phobic" but really, I just haven't met the right person which gets harder and harder with time. If you're very concerned, date him but make him win you over and hold off on sex for a few months. Very solid advice from you as a middle aged guy which I really needed. Thanks a lot! I think you are totally fine in my book. I don't see your long history or high numbers at all. Also, you gave some very considerate reasons for your relationships. So this guy I talked about, at this point, I really believe that companionship and sex is what all he sought in his "relationships". He is someone who will feel lonely easily and of course it would be nice to keep some woman for a certain period instead of go hunting for flings once in a while. No matter how he said he travelled with his exes to some part of the world, I don't think it meant anything else other than companionship and sex, or one word: convenience.
Emilia Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 So this guy I talked about, at this point, I really believe that companionship and sex is what all he sought in his "relationships". He is someone who will feel lonely easily and of course it would be nice to keep some woman for a certain period instead of go hunting for flings once in a while. No matter how he said he travelled with his exes to some part of the world, I don't think it meant anything else other than companionship and sex, or one word: convenience. Yes, some people just go from one casual relationship to another. That's what it sounds like. I'm sure you can do better. 1
Author lonesurvivorever Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 It seems clear that you are projecting your insecurities regarding this guy's age and many partners. You have your reasons and frankly, you may be right, he may have commitment issues. Privately, many women would be concerned about a man in his 40s, with as many women he's had (he claims) and not married or committed. Just as there are men who are puzzled about women in that similar position. The thing I'm keenly interested in is how you know he's had that many partners in the manner in which you describe? Did he boast about his sexual exploits and the number of women he's had? If so, that tells you a lot about this guy and the best predictor of future behavior is the past. And he's only in his early 40s. Still plenty of time for him to play. If you are so insecure or uncertain then just cut him loose. You don't have to be his next play-thing. Great advice! I appreciate it. Yeah, you are totally right. As I put in my story on page 2, I chased after him first after being deluded by his super decent and caring behavior as a professor in school. No, he never wanted to tell me much about his history, I ASKED him very aggressively in the first minute. Like you said, I did cut him loose and I will never be on his list. The reason I'm here is to seek some confirmations because I'm not experienced or savvy in dating or relationship.
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