isisisweeping Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Background: I've been on three dates with a guy I really like. I messaged him first on online dating. We are not exclusive, but while I'm talking to other guys I'm not going on dates because I just want to figure out one thing at a time and I have very limited time due to my life to go out anyhow. I had asked him if he would have messaged me first if I hadn't and he told me he wouldn't have because he would have thought I was out of his league. He's very intelligent, very funny, and very sweet. Things that says he is interested: He consistently seems interested when we talk or when we are together. He brought me a thoughtful gift on our second date based on something I mentioned on the first date. He outright said he really likes me. He responds positively to the idea of dates and acts excited to see me. He has said at the end of each date he wants to see me again. Reason for concern: I feel like I'm initiating conversations- I haven't called and he hasn't either. I'm the first one to text, though he always responds. I am the one suggesting a time/date, and asking him out several times (one he was busy but seemed sorry that he was.) It has all been weeknight dates. I tried telling him, "Oh, I'm actually free next Friday night/Saturday day..." because it was the first time I didn't have weekend plans from when we met... but did not get asked out. After another day, and having some other plans waiting on the backburner that I needed to commit to or deny, I asked explicitly if he wanted to do something Saturday or Friday night and he immediately said, "Sure! Let's do something Friday night." (A little disappointment because I was hoping we'd get more time than we had so far in person to judge compatibility, but I gave the choices so...) I am not used to this. I'm used to being pursued. Always. Even now, other guys are pursuing me hard. The most recent guy who approached me cold texts me of his own volition several times a day and is very blunt about it all. Other guys from online or in person alike all text me and make their interest very clear regularly. (So it must not be a meeting online thing.) What's more, I like being pursued. Part of me wonders of it matters or if that's an incompatibility right there. He does seem more passive than most guys. I'm not sure exactly why it matters to me so much, but I think it's because it makes me doubt his interest. I'm not interested in trying to win someone over. Do I just keep on? Do I stop seeing him? Do I stop suggesting anything and see if anything is brought up? Do I leave things open if he steps up the pursuit but start giving more of my attention to one or more of the other guys pursuing me (They all seem like very cool, intelligent guys who are very interested... Any one of which I could see really liking should I allow my energy to go that way... I'm just not built to be seriously interested in multiple directions at a time and they were slower on the draw to invite me out.) (Yes I know I overthink everything at all times. It's my way.) Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I had asked him if he would have messaged me first if I hadn't and he told me he wouldn't have because he would have thought I was out of his league. He's very intelligent, very funny, and very sweet. Yes he is very intelligent. He told you a line, which puts you on a pedestal, and you fell for it. Unfortunately this guys doesn't sound too interested in you, and he's playing that angle very well because you keep chasing him. The simple fact that you are not responding to the men chasing you, and even admitting you enjoy being chased, means this guy is holding your attention because he is a challenge. He's going to continue milking it until he gets bored or you reach your limit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) Yes he is very intelligent. He told you a line, which puts you on a pedestal, and you fell for it. Unfortunately this guys doesn't sound too interested in you, and he's playing that angle very well because you keep chasing him. The simple fact that you are not responding to the men chasing you, and even admitting you enjoy being chased, means this guy is holding your attention because he is a challenge. He's going to continue milking it until he gets bored or you reach your limit. That's what I was worried about. I don't think it's because of the challenge, though. I like my guys easy I just like him and didn't want to drop it just because he is more passive than I am accustomed towards Thanks. Edited January 18, 2014 by isisisweeping Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 My last boyfriend pursued me for a long time, extremely hard, from a definitely no into a yes. We were together for several years, but that wasn't really a good thing for me because we were up and down where he pursued me hard if I backed away (even proposing, lavishing me with gifts etc) and was a little distant when not pursuing so I suppose I might be reacting to that, too. Hm. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 That's what I was worried about. I don't think it's because of the challenge, though. I like my guys easy I just like him and didn't want to drop it just because he is more passive than I am accustomed towards Thanks. He doesn't sound very interested. Not asking to spend weekends with you and the fact you always text first is a sire sign that he isn't that into you. However. Don't rule him out entirely. Just go on dates with others and stop initiating contact with this guy. There is a slim chance this guy could start initiating once you stop. Let us know what happens! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 He doesn't sound very interested. Not asking to spend weekends with you and the fact you always text first is a sire sign that he isn't that into you. However. Don't rule him out entirely. Just go on dates with others and stop initiating contact with this guy. There is a slim chance this guy could start initiating once you stop. Let us know what happens! thanks! Why would he act so interested if he's not? People are weird. I guess I tend to be more upfront. Maybe I need to develop more feminine coyness. I've spent pretty much my whole life in relationships. Just dating is a different animal, I guess! Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why would he act so interested if he's not? He could be dating someone on the weekends who is his top priority but there is no commitment. He may want a backup in case he gets dumped. If you really want him you could wait and date those other guys but wait for this guy to initiate all contact with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 He could be dating someone on the weekends who is his top priority but there is no commitment. He may want a backup in case he gets dumped. If you really want him you could wait and date those other guys but wait for this guy to initiate all contact with you. Three makes a consensus! He mentioned the other day that he hadn't been on another date in months, but since I've known him less than a month, I can hardly say I know him to be honest or not. I will say, I've not been free the last few weekends and couldn't go out with him, either. So it's just one Saturday he didn't jump at the chance to go out. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 thanks! Why would he act so interested if he's not? People are weird. I guess I tend to be more upfront. Maybe I need to develop more feminine coyness. I've spent pretty much my whole life in relationships. Just dating is a different animal, I guess! How is he acting so interested? If you don't contact him, he doesn't contact you. You are the only one initiating texts. If you don't ask for a date, suggest times, etc., there is no date. Where would things stand if you didn't text, call and try to figure out when he might be free to meet with you, then ask him specifically for a date? Even when you've pointed out that you were free on a particular weekend, he didn't bother. You had to ask him specifically for a date in order to see him. Unfortunately, his actions say that if you did nothing, he would simply fade away. That's not interest. That's someone passively going along whenever nothing better is happening on his calendar. Ask yourself why he's so hard to let go? I would take a step back and examine why you feel compelled to pursue an unavailable man when you have a sea of available ones eager to date you. What's up with that roadblock to your happiness? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) How is he acting so interested? Okay, so "says" he's interested. In a lot of different ways at a lot of different times, unprovoked. "I would be happy to go anywhere with you." "I really like you." told his sister about me. The way he talks to me when we talk, whether in person or the quick order texting back and forth. Easy/quick to compliment. Brought me a gift over something I mentioned in passing. You know what, I take back that he *never* initiates. I'm reading texts to see how many times I message him first and while I have every day, I was out of town with friends last weekend and he texted me first both days. So I might be overreacting. Maybe I'm not just giving him enough chance and being hyper-reactive? It is my first time really going out post breakup and that's not always a recipe for calm & steady. How long until I get private messages? All I can find in the FAQ is that it's when you're established. I've posted a lot this week... Edited January 19, 2014 by isisisweeping Link to post Share on other sites
MixedUpChick Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I can see why you're confused about whether or not he's interested. I don't think him saying he's interested is enough to make me believe it. Showing interest would require him to initiate contact at least some of the time, ask you out before you ask him, etc. I think not initiating while starting to go out with someone else would be smart. You can only keep someone else interested via text for so long before they bail. If you stop initiating with this guy, then you'll find out if he really is interested, because he'll have to step it up. I think I'm similar to you in not wanting to date more than one person at a time. At least for me, it's too much of a headache. I've also never really had that as an option either, so I'd rather say it's my choice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 You have to be here a month to PM. OP, you keep making excuses for him. Why? No, it's not that you're new to dating. You have other guys showing you exactly what interest looks like. This guy is clearly showing you what the back burner looks like. Would you have a date if you didn't push for one EVERY single time? That's your answer to "Is he interested?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cactusgal Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Actions are a million times more important than words. Observe his actions. What is doing or not doing will tell you how interested he is. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 You have to be here a month to PM. OP, you keep making excuses for him. Why? No, it's not that you're new to dating. You have other guys showing you exactly what interest looks like. This guy is clearly showing you what the back burner looks like. Would you have a date if you didn't push for one EVERY single time? That's your answer to "Is he interested?" No excuses. Trying to be fair, especially since I'm aware my perspective/worries might be influencing the presentation unduly. And, answer a question. I am listening to all advice. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Did I miss a question? I'm not seeing it, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author isisisweeping Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Did I miss a question? I'm not seeing it, sorry. I'm not arguing with you. Just stating, I'm feeling like I'm being a tad dramatic here, and I want to mitigate that a little bit. I'm probably a little more scared/sensitive to putting myself out there to being hurt than I am as a rule. Also, he's smart and funny of course I want to hope that maybe he means what he says/how he acts in person/conversation and might just not be inclined to pursue as hard as other men do... BUT that doesn't mean I am ignoring advice or that I don't appreciate it! I wouldn't have posted if I only cared about what I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I actually know a guy that uses this same tactic in online dating - the whole laid back, nonchalant, whatever attitude. He has a new date every week and he almost never asks these girls out. It amazes me. Last week he had two dates in one night with girls from OLD. If they suggest something, he's all for it, if they don't, he just leaves them there on the backburner. I can't tell you if this is what your guy is doing for sure or not, but I can tell you that his actions should ALWAYS speak louder than words. If he's not putting forth any effort or doing any of the initiating with you, then I would assume he's just not all that into you. I would put HIM on the backburner and move on with other men that have made their intentions loud and clear. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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