georgieg Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Okay, so my ex-husband did a real number on me and I've been struggling for a couple of years to get over the psychological damage he did (including several months of therapy). I'm about 90% there, but one of the things I'm really struggling with is feeling like I'm being nosy when I ask guys questions. My ex was very secretive about a lot of things (I eventually just stopped asking him things), but we also spent 24/7 together for many years (we both worked from home, and even before that we carpooled, so we were together an unhealthy amount of time), so there was no need to ask about things like how his day was, etc. But now that I'm back in the dating world, I'm finding that I tend not to ask guys questions and I KNOW that's working against me. I'm trying to get better about it, but I still get this feeling that I'm being nosy when I ask questions. Case in point, this guy I'm currently getting to know is going out of town for work tomorrow (I'd asked him if he wanted to grab coffee and take a walk), and I forced myself to ask him how long he was going to be gone, which he answered no problem. But I felt nosy doing it. And I'm bad at follow-up questions. How can I get over this? And what kinds of questions should I be asking when we're in that "getting to know you" phase? I don't want to screw this one up, and I know logically that people love talking about themselves and like to be asked questions, but it's still something I struggle with. I want to ask the right kinds of questions to show that I'm really interested, without venturing into "nosy" territory. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I could see how this could negatively impact your dating game... questions (and follow up questions) signal interest. So to not have the right balance could tell a guy you're not into him. Are you still in therapy now? is this an issue you could bring up in that setting? I feel like a proper therapist might have better advice than a novice could give. My personal opinion here (and take it for what it's worth, as an opinion), would be that questions (including followups) are fine, as long as they don't come from a loaded place. "You're going out of town for work? Where to? What will you do there? Any time for site-seeing?" is fine if you're genuine curious. But interesting, the same line of queries can be off-putting if you give the vibe that you're probing (think of how a "jealous girlfriend" might ask these question, e.g.) Edit to add: as for "feeling nosy," this is something you need to do more self-work on, perhaps in a therapy setting. When you're first meeting someone, keeping it light is probably the best idea. Use follow-ups, but don't rapid-fire questions. If you're more comfortable self-disclosing than asking lots of questions... maybe that's okay too. I think the main thing is to get a place of feeling comfortable.... because when you're comfortable, anything you ask about or discuss is going to work just fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author georgieg Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 I'm not in therapy anymore, and for budgetary reasons can't go back right now. I get better about asking things the more I get to know someone, but I'm afraid I'm going to blow it before I even get to that point. What kinds of things should I be asking him? Right now a lot of our communication is happening via text, because we both have kind of crazy schedules right now (which will hopefully let up by this weekend or early next week). He's a great conversationalist in person, but sometimes when texting I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to keep talking. And I think part of that is that I'm just not asking questions/the right questions... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Asking Qs is part of dating & getting to know the other person. It doesn't make you nosy. Nosy is secretly checking their phone & snooping in the medicine cabinet. You should ask questions designed to help you learn about the other person. Where did they grow up? What are their aspirations? What are their views on various subjects? (yeah, yeah, I know tread lightly on the politics & religious stuff but you still have to know something about where they stand). Link to post Share on other sites
Author georgieg Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 You should ask questions designed to help you learn about the other person. Where did they grow up? What are their aspirations? What are their views on various subjects? (yeah, yeah, I know tread lightly on the politics & religious stuff but you still have to know something about where they stand). We've already been over most of the standard stuff like that (we grew up in the same area, had some mutual friends, but since he's about 7 years older than I am, we didn't know each other growing up). We've known each other for about six months, though we were just acquaintances until the past couple months (he had a girlfriend, but they split up about three months ago). I think I just need to accept the fact that he's not much of a conversationalist when it comes to texting/messaging/etc. and not try to force it. (It's totally different when we're hanging out in person.) Link to post Share on other sites
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