Can't deal with her depression and insecurities anymore

[trauma04]

Good evening everyone,

 

I only really come to these forums when I'm in desperate need of help. Usually, I'm on the receiving end of a dumping, but this time, I'm seriously considering dumping my current LDR girlfriend of 6 months or so.

 

We met in Italy during the summer during an archaeological excavation we were both taking part in. She comes from New England while I'm 9 hours away in Canada. We had a ton of fun and did everything together while in Italy, and I was hesitant to get into a LDR with her upon coming home after a month, but I figured, "what have I got to lose?"

 

We are both on similar career paths. We both want to pursue graduate studies in archaeology in the UK next year and we bonded over that this summer. We figured if we can survive a year of LDR in between then and when we go to the UK next year, we'll have a very strong foundation for the future of our relationship. She's exceptionally smart and is a contender for the Fulbright Scholarship this year. She's very pretty and we had a ton of fun spending every weekend in Florence, Venice and Sienna this past summer. We travel very well together. We both have the same sense of humour, and our values and ethics are really similar. We can normally find common ground on any issue, though not always.

 

We don't see each other often. After getting home in early September, she flew up to visit me once in October, I drove to see her in November, and she's supposed to come see me just before the New Year. I don't know if I want that to happen anymore.

 

She battles with fits of depression and insecurity, and I've tried my hardest to be understanding and sympathetic. Since coming home, it's almost as if I've taken up a full-time position as a counsellor. I enjoy being supportive and I like to feel useful, but this is constant and exhausting. I'm 24 and she is 22, but I've moved out, have a job and have a life of my own.

 

She still lives at home and depends on her parents for everything (food, house, car, and anything else she might need). Most of the time she texts me, it's as if I'm talking to a 16 year old who is rebelling against her parents. "My mom is out to get me. My parents hate me. They think I'm a terrible daughter. How could they take away the car from me? I can't stand it here".

 

I've tried to be sympathetic, because I had all these problems before too... 10 years ago. I try to tell her that if she wants more independence, she should get more independence (get a job, buy her own car, move out). If it is really so stressful, she needs to do something about it. And she'll blame me for not supporting her or being there for her when I get fed up with hearing her complain. I'm not sure what she wants, but apparently, I'm supposed to side with her against her parents (who are being way more reasonable than my parents were with me) and tell her that it's all her parents' fault. I tried that a few times... But it feels like I'm just lying to her; I don't actually believe what I'm saying. And it doesn't make either of us feel any better.

 

Secondly, she is very insecure. I believe it goes hand in hand with the depression. If ever we fight, and it happens a lot, I ask for space. Now, we're in an LDR, so you'd think space wouldn't be a problem, but if if I tell her that I need to cool off, or just ask for space so we can talk about this later with a level head, she'll tell me she's having an anxiety attack, that she can't take the torture of waiting, or that I'm abandoning her. I feel god awful about it, but I'm looking at my phone right now and between the time of 3:48pm and 3:57pm (less than the 10 minutes it took me to shower), she called me 7 times (unanswered) and texted 21 times (unanswered).

 

I really do like her. I might even love her. But these two things about her are so exhausting to deal with. I've talked to her about them as well, often after we've fought and made up. I've told her I really think she needs help with her depression and insecurities. She agreed and freely admitted it. I asked if she would be willing to talk to someone about it, like a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist, because clearly, I'm out of my league and am not sure how to deal with this kind of thing. She said she was, but didn't seem too enthused by the idea, but agreed to do it for the sake of our relationship. I was so happy and thanked her. A month later, she got mad if I asked her if she's made an appointment, or even taken a step to find a professional. Frankly, I'm not sure what needs to be done in the US to talk to someone, but if it's anything like Canada, you can go see your doctor, tell them you want to talk to one, and they'll refer you to one.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy with the relationship the way it is and her insecurities and depression are borderline scary for me. I've made pro/con lists and they always come up pro-heavy when I think about my relationship with her... but the con-side of the paper has these two things that really really strain me. I'm seriously considering breaking up with her. I don't know if I should. I know I can never be 100% certain if breaking up is the right thing to do (unless the relationship is abusive or something), but do I seem justified in my thoughts? I'd like to hear what anyone else has to say about my relationship, or if they have similar situations that they've been in.

 

Thank you for any and all insight/advice you can give,

 

T

[Under The Radar]

In 9 minutes she left you 21 unanswered texts and called 7 times without a response? That was the biggest red flag for me.

 

You two should not be arguing this much in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Her insecurities are not something you can solve for her.

 

The fights with her parents and the subsequent blaming of you for not supporting her is immature ...... where are the boundaries here?

 

As much as you like her (or even love her) it seems like there is an incompatibility issue here with her emotional maturity.

 

Maybe see how things go just before New Years (with the visit) and tell her how these issues (again) are hurting the relationship?

 

I agree, if things don't improve, that a breakup is on the near horizon. It's quite evident how unhappy and stressful this situation is making you.

 

IMO, she definitely could benefit from therapy whether the relationship continues or not.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Training Revelations

[BlametheIrish]

She reeks,of immaturity. It may take years for her to.get to your level. Do you rwally want to wait that long? Tell her to seek professional help or you're leaving. And if sge diesnt then leave, don't waste your time being unhappy with someone who drags you down emotionally, you're much to young to have your spirit broken.

[HokeyReligions]

Oh my God dump her. Do it now and count yourself lucky to get out with your life.

[incelveteran]

My best friend went through this scenario with his girlfirend. The barrage of texts, the blaming him for not doing this, so on, so on. In the end found out the girl was a sociopath.

 

Leave. Now. before it gets worse. The more you give in, the more she will attempt to reel you back.

[InnocentMan]

This type of situation is difficult enough when you live with the person. The fact it's a LDR, makes it near impossible. Unless you have strong plans to be together fairly soon, or unless she can seek help alone, you have a tough decision to make.

 

Try and stay rational, and not let your emotions get dragged into it. Intelligent people often come with serious flaws, but the way you deal with them, will determine how it works out. It could just be immaturity, or she could actually have a real problem.

[incelveteran]

Intelligent people often come with serious flaws

 

^^This. Listen to this guy, he knows of what he speaks.

 

Also, this is why I mentioned sociopaths. They are usually highly intelligent and also clever into manipulating you into their web, much what it sounds like this said woman in the OP is trying to achieve.

 

On another note, I have come across people who aren't highly bright generally, but switched on when it comes to manipulation.

[Under The Radar]

^^This. Listen to this guy, he knows of what he speaks.

 

Also, this is why I mentioned sociopaths. They are usually highly intelligent and also clever into manipulating you into their web, much what it sounds like this said woman in the OP is trying to achieve.

 

On another note, I have come across people who aren't highly bright generally, but switched on when it comes to manipulation.

 

 

I'm not sure she has anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy), but in reading the OP it did seem like it was SOME type of personality disorder.

 

Anyway, she does seem very immature and is not owning her problems. Her lack of insight and unwillingness to embrace therapy is likely to be the downfall of this relationship.

[incelveteran]

I'm not sure she has anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy), but in reading the OP it did seem like it was SOME type of personality disorder.

 

I know. I was merely stating a similar incident where sociopathy was the cause of the woman's (much like the OP's woman's) behaviour. Many apologies for any inconvenience. Psychology is not my forte.

 

But you are right on the personality disorder/mental disability part. One girl I did meet for a date was also exactly like the OP's, although this one suffered from schizophrenia. I am not claiming OP's ladyfriend does, but yeah..

[napy666]

Leave her.

[incelveteran]

As much as she scares me a little, Jan_may gave the best explanation.

 

But in short, like everyone says: LEAVE.

[Raven1018]

I really feel for you my friend.

Years ago when I was with my High School Sweetheart, he had big issues at home. His dad had died of a heroin overdose when he was 14, and his mom was a crackhead and neglectful. We bonded over hating our parents, lol. I had issues and he had issues but when I saw him or spoke to him it was just about he and I. Sometimes if I had just gotten into a HUGE fight with my parents I might call him and he would help me calm down. When he was fighting with his mom he could call me too. But that was only for HUGE fights. I did not text him all day about my issues. Even at 16/17 I was aware of not burdening others with my issues that they cant solve. Yes, sometimes your partner can help you and give good advice but texting them about every little thing that happens is useless and it puts a lot of pressure on the other person. She should realize this at age 22.

 

I dont want to criticize her too harshly because I know what its like to feel alone in a situation and like you only have one person you feel close enough to vent to. Im sure deep down she knows its annoying you, or that shes texting you too much but when you are dealing with severe home and mental issues venting is priority and people will do anything for comfort from another human being.

 

I think she is immature, but she probably means well. She is probably only this way because she has not lived on her own yet. Her mental health issues probably stem from her home life. Just because they give her material things and support her financially does not mean they are good people or were not abusive to her when she was a child. You never know what her childhood was like. Being stuck in that environment that caused her health issues to begin with is not helping and these issues will just keep going in a circular pattern until she breaks the cycle and moves out. Maybe she cant afford to right now. Keep all those things in consideration. This being said- it is still true that none of this is your problem. And while shes in a situation she may not be able to help, you cant get sucked into all this neurosis along with her. I know you dont want to leave her out in the cold with all these problems, but its time you have a frank talk with her.

 

Tell her that you need someone more mature and more in charge of their life. While you know some of these things may be out of her control at the moment, you just need someone who has more agency over their life and someone a little more independent. It takes away from the relationship to feel like you are her big brother. Have a phone conversation, not over text. Be compassionate but also firm and honest about what you feel. Sometimes people dont know how annoying they are until you tell them. Assure her that you are there for her, and that it is unfair to you when she says you are causing her a panic attack just because you need a break from texting and talking. These are unhealthy relationship patterns that need to be nipped in the butt ASAP. This is only the beginning, it will get worse if changes are not made NOW.

 

If she does not change, its times to end things regardless of how you feel about her. Personally, Im not sure how you can still have such deep feelings for her if you guys never have romantic conversation and its always her just literally freaking out about her parents or about you not returning texts. That would be such a turn off for me it would kill the romantic feelings I have for them. Honestly, I would feel that they are using me because I am the only person willing to listen to all that. I would feel I am more a shoulder to lean on than someone they have true feelings for. I would think this person has some real co-dependency issues and would latch on like this to anyone willing to listen. Im surprised you have not started feeling that way yet.

 

This might not be something easy to remedy. If worse comes to worse tell her you are still there as a friend and will always be there to talk to, but the relationship must end. You cannot be tied down to someone like that. Still be that guy she can turn to, but just let her know the relationship is over. Tell her maybe in the future when you guys can live closer it will work out, but at the moment its not ideal. Thats if she doesnt change after a stern and frank talk. Give her a chance first.

 

If it does come to a breakup be as delicate as you can. You dont want to drive someone with depression over the edge. You dont want to make her feel like on top of her own feelings of hopelessness and low self worth, someone (you) she cares about also feels she is not worth much. Just say the things I mentioned above...let her know you will always be that guy she can talk to, but the LDR is not an option at the moment. This way you can still be in her life....but you dont have to feel you are dating a little sister! You can move on to a more healthy relationship.

 

Its hard to balance sympathy while also balancing the fact that it is not your fault, and you deserve to be happy too.

[trauma04]

So I just had a talk with her and I'll give you the update. First off, I want to thank you all for your advice. I used a lot of it when we talked. I talked to her about the problems we were having and she promised to get help first thing monday. I told her that the survival of our relationship was dependent on her receiving help, and she said she would do it.

 

She did something I wasn't so sure about either... When I was halfway through voicing my thoughts, she blurted out that a lot of her problems stem from the fear of me leaving her, because she loves me. We haven't said this to each other yet so it shocked me. I'm not sure how to feel. Part of me thinks she only said that to appeal to my emotions so I wouldn't take the drastic step of breaking up with her. Is she just trying to manipulate my emotions?

 

I told her if she didn't take immediate steps to seek help, and become more independent, then reconciliation between us wasn't possible. The continuation of our relationship is completely contingent on her taking appropriate steps to getting help and fixing some parts of our relationship. Was this a good thing to do? Part of me thinks I just should have ended it cleanly, and washed my hands of the whole situation. But part of me doesn't want to give up just yet.

 

I know most of you suggested I leave her, but do you think it's realistic to think that it's possible to salvage this?

[Eivuwan]

Well, why don't you see if she actually gets help before making a decision? Or perhaps give yourself a certain time limit to make a final decision.