What is drama; how do you define it? Or is it personality type?

[Babolat]

I read this article today:

 

7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life

 

Mainly because I am trying to come up with a term, a word, to use to talk to my ex gf, the one where we are currently seeing each other a little bit, talking, see if I want to make another go at it.

 

I live a pretty calm, simple, quiet life. I like to go out with friends, get crazy from time to time, though I also enjoy quiet time at home, by myself. My TV is rarely on, I listen to NPR for background noise at night. I doodle and noodle around, doing a lot of nothing sometimes at night. I have a very active "fitness" physical life, too.

 

I have noticed, since the ex and I have been spending time together again, my anxiety level is higher. Not near as high as it was when we dated though. I do think she has done a lot of self work, I see it, i feel it, and some of that anxiety is gone now.

 

What I have noticed with her is she can't seem to "be quiet", "be calm" if you will. She is always on the go, especially with her work (sales) and her daughter (14 years old). There is always something going on, some small to medium crisis, etc. If there is one minute of down time, she's on her phone playing a game. She can't be alone. She has to be with friends, go to their house, go out with them, etc. She IS very social, which I like. Her work requires her to go to a lot of networking events, meetings, socials, etc. That does not bother me. She tells me she needs to interact with people, be around people. When we go to a party, an event, it's nothing for her to sit at a table with strangers and start talking. Same thing if we go to a bar or club. I see it, she thrives on the social interaction. me, sometimes, but not so much.

 

Last weekend her daughter spent the night, and brought a friend with her. From speaking with friends with kids, they were just being teenage girls. Being goofy, silly, running around, lots of "noise", though very well behaved. And, for the most part, they stayed in the spare bedroom and did whatever 14 year old girls do on their phones all night. My anxiety was high while they were around. My ex says I am just not use to kids being around, she is. She was very respectful and kept asking me how I was doing, was there anything she could do.

 

When at her place, all the TVs are on, a radio may be on, the cat, dog, snake, something is always "going on", and, I can't relax. I have talked to her about this in the past. She said, as a small child, her parents left her alone, a lot. She was scared, and would leave the TV on, all night, 24 X 7. To this day, she does the same. We will walk into her apartment after being away for a long time, all the TVs are on. When she stays with me, she wants to sleep with the TV on. I use to do it for her, but now I don't, and guess what? She sleeps better she said! At her place, she falls asleep on the couch, TV on, and does not sleep well. She just can't force herself to go to her bed though.

 

She came over the other night after work, and for 20 minutes was telling me about her hectic day, driving here, driving there, back to this place because she forgot this or that, then to here to get this or that...and, she is always late. If she says I will be there at 7, it's usually 7:30 or 8. As she was talking I could feel my anziety rising.

 

She has started making necklaces, and, she reads a lot. Which I like. However, it just feels "hectic" or "chaotic" to me sometimes to be around her, and her daughter.

 

I don't like this feeling as I don't feel like it's all her. It feels like "drama" to me, but, I just don't know.

 

I am wondering if I have just gotten use to being by myself, and, I like it too much. That's not a good thing though, as, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. So, I am trying to figure this out.

 

Then, I am wondering if it's her, that she has a lot of drama in her life, and it's unsettling for me.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Babolat

[MsOptimist]

I think some of the differences in behavior that you describe are due to you being more introverted and her being more extroverted.

 

Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone and extroverts recharge their batteries by socializing with others. Extroverts generally go a bit stir crazy with lots of alone/down time. Being an introvert doesn't mean that someone is not social, I'm very introverted but also pretty social and can socialize easily - it's more about how draining certain environments are and how energy levels are depleted and restored.

 

I'm wondering if what you call drama or anxiety is actually your energy being depleted much faster in her general busy-ness and way of life.

[MidwestUSA]

Hmmm, wish I had time for a detailed reply, but.....

 

You have just described me and hubby but the roles are reversed. I am the calm, quiet one. I call him a drama queen (not to his face ) He's loud (not obnoxiously, but compared to me, yea). Says it comes from growing up as one of nine kids. Speaking of, all of whom are up equally loud! Always, always, always something going on. Let any one of them have trouble with one of their kids, and whoa!

 

He has toned it down some since we've been together. I have to remind him to use his 'inside voice', as it's just me and him. I think what he considers 'passionate' is what I consider much ado about nothing.

 

He's social, talkative (will talk over you and/or interrupt - that's getting better). Always clowning/joking. Has to comment on EVERYTHING. I can't watch a home improvement show without him dissecting it to pieces.

 

Sometimes my startle reflex is thru the roof. He can yell (it's yelling to me; he considers it his normal voice) "Honey" from the basement, and I jump up thinking the sewer must have backed up, or there's water coming thru the walls. And here he's just looking for the fabric softener! Not sure if I'm explaining this too well. One time I set the coffee up and didn't get the pot situated properly. Coffee perked out all over the counter/floor. I heard 'honey!', and when I got to the kitchen, he made it sound like the Titanic had sunk all over again and I was the iceberg! I burst into tears, which always makes everything better - NOT! My method is to calmly clean it up and make another pot.

 

I don't know. It's a big style difference for sure. I know a lot of it (in our case) is due to upbringing and parenting styles. There was a lot of fighting in his house, but a lot of love too. Notsomuch in mine. Not sure if that's good or bad.

 

It's like a background noise that I've not had to deal with before. I'm on edge more than I want to be. Like I said, that startle reflex thing - it's annoying. I also have something going on with my stomach (ulcers, ulcerative colitis, not sure yet) that is worse when I feel edgy/unsettled. I do know, that if his daughter had been living at home when we got together, there is no way I could have/would have dated him.

 

You've given me food for thought. I'll check in next week. Have a great weekend!

[MidwestUSA]

MsO: energy being depleted. That describes it pretty well. More food for thought. Thanks!

[Babolat]

I think some of the differences in behavior that you describe are due to you being more introverted and her being more extroverted.

 

Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone and extroverts recharge their batteries by socializing with others. Extroverts generally go a bit stir crazy with lots of alone/down time. Being an introvert doesn't mean that someone is not social, I'm very introverted but also pretty social and can socialize easily - it's more about how draining certain environments are and how energy levels are depleted and restored.

 

I'm wondering if what you call drama or anxiety is actually your energy being depleted much faster in her general busy-ness and way of life.

 

Excellent point!

 

She has told me she thinks one of the ways she is good for me is she gets me to try things, do things, I normally would not, get out of my box if you will. And, she is right, and I usually like it/have a good time. Though I get anxious thinking about it and will usually try to find a way to not or back out, like find a good excuse.

 

She just took some personality test for a job she is applying for and she was off the scales for socialness.

 

What's strange though, is sometimes she shuts down unexpectedly. For example, last Friday night we went to a Christmas Party with a DJ, dancing, games, and all that. She sat most of the time and kept telling me to have fun with my friends, that she was fine. I would look over and she would be talking to random folks at a table, so I knew she was fine. I kept "checking on her" and she kept telling me to go be with my friends. She apologized later and said she did not know anyone plus she was tired. I commented that if it was her friends we would have gone til 4AM! She laughed, and, kind of agreed.

[Babolat]

Hmmm, wish I had time for a detailed reply, but.....

 

You have just described me and hubby but the roles are reversed. I am the calm, quiet one. I call him a drama queen (not to his face ) He's loud (not obnoxiously, but compared to me, yea). Says it comes from growing up as one of nine kids. Speaking of, all of whom are up equally loud! Always, always, always something going on. Let any one of them have trouble with one of their kids, and whoa!

 

He has toned it down some since we've been together. I have to remind him to use his 'inside voice', as it's just me and him. I think what he considers 'passionate' is what I consider much ado about nothing.

 

He's social, talkative (will talk over you and/or interrupt - that's getting better). Always clowning/joking. Has to comment on EVERYTHING. I can't watch a home improvement show without him dissecting it to pieces.

 

Sometimes my startle reflex is thru the roof. He can yell (it's yelling to me; he considers it his normal voice) "Honey" from the basement, and I jump up thinking the sewer must have backed up, or there's water coming thru the walls. And here he's just looking for the fabric softener! Not sure if I'm explaining this too well. One time I set the coffee up and didn't get the pot situated properly. Coffee perked out all over the counter/floor. I heard 'honey!', and when I got to the kitchen, he made it sound like the Titanic had sunk all over again and I was the iceberg! I burst into tears, which always makes everything better - NOT! My method is to calmly clean it up and make another pot.

 

I don't know. It's a big style difference for sure. I know a lot of it (in our case) is due to upbringing and parenting styles. There was a lot of fighting in his house, but a lot of love too. Notsomuch in mine. Not sure if that's good or bad.

 

It's like a background noise that I've not had to deal with before. I'm on edge more than I want to be. Like I said, that startle reflex thing - it's annoying. I also have something going on with my stomach (ulcers, ulcerative colitis, not sure yet) that is worse when I feel edgy/unsettled. I do know, that if his daughter had been living at home when we got together, there is no way I could have/would have dated him.

 

You've given me food for thought. I'll check in next week. Have a great weekend!

 

I am not where you are, but close. I don't want to judge or discount her for this no more than she would judge me for how I am.

 

She grew up with a lot of friends, family, lots and lots of people in her life, lots of different homes, only child, folks pretty much abandoned her at a young age, raised by neighbors, friends, grandmother, etc. I am sure that plays into it too. She was a bartender for 15+ years, knows everybody, etc.

 

She tells me how calming I am for her, how easy going I am, what a good listener I am, which, surprises me, as in my last marriage, that was not me. I think I learned a lot from my last marriage and look at things differently now.

 

I want to talk to her about this, but, the word drama will probably be a bad choice of words. And then, i think, why talk about it, it's who she is, i don't expect her to change.

 

All of this hit me the night she came over and talked for 20 mins about her hectic day. i was enjoying a very peacful relaxing night, she came over, and, for about an hour it felt like chaos. She was bringing all her stuff in, i was trying to get dinner ready, her dog was running around, my cat was hissing at her dog.. .....I shared this with her as she saw me shut down. It's the first time I have ever done this with her, prior dating or now. The cool thing is I was able to talk to her about it. I told her I just needed quiet, she said then lets turn the TV off and be quiet.

 

The girl I refer to as my FWB, she was the exact opposite. Quiet, shy, reserved, no friends really. I think a lot of my attraction to her was/is because she is the oppositie of my ex. Though, I found myself almost bored with her at times. She was not a talker, not really social, no deep conversations, etc.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Babolat

[MsOptimist]

That's great that you were able to tell her that you needed quiet when your calm environment turned chaotic when she entered. My exH and I had very different personality types and often clashed about things of this nature. I think that opposites do indeed attract, but clear communication is especially essential when trying to make it work with someone so opposite - that was a big failure point in my marriage with the exH.

 

I agree that bringing this up and using the word "drama" may not be the best approach. You mention a personality test she took recently for work - both of you should try taking a Meyers-Briggs based personality test and discuss your results.

 

My exH and I did this during our separation and learning more about each other actually gave us a lot of clarity on how we both acted and reacted in certain situations. To give you an idea on just how opposite we were, we were literally opposites on the test - me being INFJ and him being ESTP, and it showed in how we navigated life and reacted to various situations.

 

My current bf is much more in tune with me in every way (he's an ENFJ so we share a lot of intuitive and feeling ways that come natural to both of us), and I'm amazed at how much less overall anxiety I feel when with him vs. how it was with my exH.

Edited December 13, 2013 by MsOptimist

[Babolat]

That's great that you were able to tell her that you needed quiet when your calm environment turned chaotic when she entered. My exH and I had very different personality types and often clashed about things of this nature. I think that opposites do indeed attract, but clear communication is especially essential when trying to make it work with someone so opposite - that was a big failure point in my marriage with the exH.

 

I agree that bringing this up and using the word "drama" may not be the best approach. You mention a personality test she took recently for work - both of you should try taking a Meyers-Briggs based personality test and discuss your results.

 

My exH and I did this during our separation and learning more about each other actually gave us a lot of clarity on how we both acted and reacted in certain situations. To give you an idea on just how opposite we were, we were literally opposites on the test - me being INFJ and him being ESTP, and it showed in how we navigated life and reacted to various situations.

 

My current bf is much more in tune with me in every way (he's an ENFJ so we share a lot of intuitive and feeling ways that come natural to both of us), and I'm amazed at how much less overall anxiety I feel when with him vs. how it was with my exH.

 

I agree

 

I just read this article: Can Introverts Date Extroverts? | Paging Dr. NerdLove

 

and it speaks to a lot of what you state.

 

I remember a family function of hers, at a family members beach house, when we were dating, there had to be over 100 people there. It was my first time meeting her family. She told me in advance she would be all over the place socializing and talking, and may not be able to be with me all the time. I had no issues with that. I tried to socialize and connect with folks, but I could not, and, the ones i connected with, left early. So I wandered off on my own to the beach, and enjoyed my alone time.

 

She later said I was not trying, that I was stand offish, and folks picked up on that. That I appeared snobby. To her credit, she did try to spend time with me but I kept telling her to be with her friends/family.

 

You left your ex, and state you are a little more compatible with your current bf. i am wondering if her and I are too far apart. I do see her, this go around, making a lot of changes, like not suggesting we go out all the time, staying in more, so she is making a lot of effort.

[salparadise]

I guess the term drama has various nuanced meanings. I wouldn't say hyperactivity is synonymous with the type of drama that people refer to as relationship drama. This need for constant sensory stimulation is more like a bad habit, as you alluded to with the television being on at night.

 

Relationship drama is a lot more dysfunctional. I think of that as the emotional energy suck... someone always trying to change the paradigm, playing the victim role, blaming, projecting, creating one crisis after another and often stuff that threatens the relationship. And if someone is really sensitive to the word drama, guess who is probably prone to it?

 

I like my peace and quiet too. I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't sit still and focus on being instead of doing. All of that buzz-buzz stuff is often a strategy to avoid having to be with one's self. I enjoy people who are at peace with themselves and are good at sharing that with me.

[salparadise]

being INFJ and him being ESTP, and it showed in how we navigated life and reacted to various situations. My current bf is much more in tune with me in every way (he's an ENFJ so we share a lot of intuitive and feeling ways that come natural to both of us), and I'm amazed at how much less overall anxiety I feel when with him vs. how it was with my exH.

 

Interesting! I am IN(T/f)J and my ex was ESFP, and it was not pretty. I now have a really nice INFJ gf and we're so smooth together. I just can't explain how nice it is to have such compatibility, understanding and calmness.

 

I need to do more reading, but it's my theory for the moment that ES and IN don't mix well, however, EN can work. My ideal match is supposedly ENFP but the real critical part is NF and E/I and P/J could go either way.

[Babolat]

I guess the term drama has various nuanced meanings. I wouldn't say hyperactivity is synonymous with the type of drama that people refer to as relationship drama. This need for constant sensory stimulation is more like a bad habit, as you alluded to with the television being on at night.

 

Relationship drama is a lot more dysfunctional. I think of that as the emotional energy suck... someone always trying to change the paradigm, playing the victim role, blaming, projecting, creating one crisis after another and often stuff that threatens the relationship. And if someone is really sensitive to the word drama, guess who is probably prone to it?

 

I like my peace and quiet too. I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't sit still and focus on being instead of doing. All of that buzz-buzz stuff is often a strategy to avoid having to be with one's self. I enjoy people who are at peace with themselves and are good at sharing that with me.

 

You reminded me of a comment my FWB made; she did not have a TV, just read books and did stuff on the internet at home.

 

When she was at my house I use to like to hook the iPod up to play music in the background, no TV though. When at her house once, she ran into her room, turned on the computer and went to Pandora. I asked why she did that. She said "you need noise all the time and are not comfortable with quiet". The comment struck me as odd. I then remember a time she was at my house and I did not hook up the iPod, she said "arent't you going to hook it up, as you do not like it being quiet".

 

I do like quiet, that's the strange part.

 

I need to research all these letters you just tossed at us!

 

I don't see relationship drama in the ex..maybe a little, very little, when we first dated, none now though really.

[pteromom]

Yeah, I don't call what you are describing "drama". It sounds more like she just always likes noise and activity, while you are more into peace and quiet.

 

Drama would be making big issues out of small issues, escalating discussions into arguments, making big deals out of things other people say or do, etc. Like take your example of two loud teenage girls running around. That's not drama. But if your ex-gf said something to her dd's friend, the friend said something back, then your ex walked around ranting and fretting about it, trying to figure out what to do about it, etc - that is drama.

 

Drama is about turning everything... dramatic.

[carhill]

Drama is (some examples from my real life experiences):

 

-Sitting outside one's ex-husband's house at 3am in one's car, drinking and calling a friend long distance on the phone to tell them about it.

 

-Having two cats and repeatedly, for years, complaining of wanting a 'lap cat' when, in reality, one doesn't sit still long enough for a cat to lay on one's lap.

 

-Incessantly talking about and complaining about other people

 

-Flirting with a friend's spouse

 

etc, etc.

 

I could go on for hours but then that would be dramatic

[Babolat]

I just read this:

 

Portrait of an ESFP

 

This is 90% her.

 

She, for example, will have to give a presentation, or speech, and won't even think about preparing until the night before, or an hour before. That would drive me nuts. She will sleep until the last second then get up and rush off for a meeting.

 

I just texted her, she is going to forward me the personality tests she has taken over the years for work; I am curious now.

[MsOptimist]

You left your ex, and state you are a little more compatible with your current bf. i am wondering if her and I are too far apart. I do see her, this go around, making a lot of changes, like not suggesting we go out all the time, staying in more, so she is making a lot of effort.

 

My ex left me and it wasn't until I was out of the relationship that I realized just how incompatible we were together. I knew very well that we were opposites and was willing to work at it through hell or high water to make it last. I didn't realize just how exhausting that was until I was away from the situation.

 

Interesting! I am IN(T/f)J and my ex was ESFP, and it was not pretty. I now have a really nice INFJ gf and we're so smooth together. I just can't explain how nice it is to have such compatibility, understanding and calmness.

 

I need to do more reading, but it's my theory for the moment that ES and IN don't mix well, however, EN can work. My ideal match is supposedly ENFP but the real critical part is NF and E/I and P/J could go either way.

 

I completely get what you're saying. I really think that the INF and EST ways of thinking really clashed between myself and my exH. Everything with my new relationship is just so smooth and easy - and I had no idea that things could be like this! Sure we disagree and get into misunderstandings, but it's so much easier for us to relate to each other and talk it out and resolve the issue.

Edited December 13, 2013 by MsOptimist

[Babolat]

What's a good, reputable online source for me to take a personality test?

 

I have no idea where I fall, other than I am a social introvert.

[Babolat]

That's great that you were able to tell her that you needed quiet when your calm environment turned chaotic when she entered. My exH and I had very different personality types and often clashed about things of this nature. I think that opposites do indeed attract, but clear communication is especially essential when trying to make it work with someone so opposite - that was a big failure point in my marriage with the exH.

 

I agree that bringing this up and using the word "drama" may not be the best approach. You mention a personality test she took recently for work - both of you should try taking a Meyers-Briggs based personality test and discuss your results.

 

My exH and I did this during our separation and learning more about each other actually gave us a lot of clarity on how we both acted and reacted in certain situations. To give you an idea on just how opposite we were, we were literally opposites on the test - me being INFJ and him being ESTP, and it showed in how we navigated life and reacted to various situations.

 

My current bf is much more in tune with me in every way (he's an ENFJ so we share a lot of intuitive and feeling ways that come natural to both of us), and I'm amazed at how much less overall anxiety I feel when with him vs. how it was with my exH.

 

I just read this on INFJ, and it's pretty darn close to me! Scary.

 

Portrait of an INFJ

[Ruby Slippers]

Myers Briggs test here: Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

 

I'm INFJ, and the partner I felt the strongest and easiest bond with was also an INFJ. He's my business partner, and though we are zodiac opposites (I'm Cancer, he's Capricorn), we have a very similar way of making sense of the world. We're both extremely sensitive, have far higher senses of responsibility than most people, honest to a fault. The time we spent together just flowed easily. We didn't even have to talk about it. We were just in this groove and never got out of it. (Our only interference was his very needy, meddling family, which was our undoing.)

[regine_phalange]

Something that happens when you should have broken up already, but still hanging on there, pushing the situation. It's when you love and hate your partner. You can't be with him and can't be without him. You know it's bad for both, but you are both addicted, no matter how bad it is. It's when you remember the bad times more than the good ones, but want desperately to forget and move on.

[salparadise]

What's a good, reputable online source for me to take a personality test?

 

This is supposed to be good ones.

Jung Dimensions

MBTI Complete

 

The MBTI is based on Jungian personality theory, but the official test is only administered by qualified people, and for a fee. There are many short online tests that are somewhat less reliable, but if you score similarly on a few different ones you'll know what type you are.

 

A few others...

 

Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

Discordia Inc. - Just who the HELL do you THINK you are?

OkCupid | Take The strangely accurate personality Test

[Babolat]

Myers Briggs test here: Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

 

I'm INFJ, and the partner I felt the strongest and easiest bond with was also an INFJ. He's my business partner, and though we are zodiac opposites (I'm Cancer, he's Capricorn), we have a very similar way of making sense of the world. We're both extremely sensitive, have far higher senses of responsibility than most people, honest to a fault. The time we spent together just flowed easily. We didn't even have to talk about it. We were just in this groove and never got out of it. (Our only interference was his very needy, meddling family, which was our undoing.)

 

Took the test, says I am an ISTJ. Though, I want to wait a bit and take it again, as some of the questions were not a yes or No to me.

 

I read up on ISTJ and it does fit me.

[OpheliaSong]

The important thing is whether or not you want to have all this stuff going on around you. It made me tired just reading it and I am a young social extrovert.

[regine_phalange]

This is supposed to be good ones.

Jung Dimensions

MBTI Complete

 

The MBTI is based on Jungian personality theory, but the official test is only administered by qualified people, and for a fee. There are many short online tests that are somewhat less reliable, but if you score similarly on a few different ones you'll know what type you are.

 

A few others...

 

Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

Discordia Inc. - Just who the HELL do you THINK you are?

OkCupid | Take The strangely accurate personality Test

 

Wow nice! I took the 1st one.

Actualized type: ISTJ

(who you are)

Introverted (I) 60% Extroverted (E) 40%

Sensing (S) 50% Intuitive (N) 50%

Thinking (T) 57.14% Feeling (F) 42.86%

Judging (J) 62.96% Perceiving (P) 37.04%

 

ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population.

*The current algorithm breaks the tie randomly so refresh the page to see alternate results

 

Preferred type: ISTJ

(who you prefer to be)

 

Attraction type: ISFJ

(who you are attracted to)

Introverted (I) 51.52% Extroverted (E) 48.48%

Sensing (S) 53.13% Intuitive (N) 46.88%

Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%

Judging (J) 68% Perceiving (P) 32%

 

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population.

*The current algorithm breaks the tie randomly so refresh the page to see alternate results

 

Nice!

[PinkInTheLimo]

This woman sounds like a total nightmare to me. Are you sure she does not suffer from attention deficit disorder?

 

As a matter of fact I find that a lot of women are like that and that's also the reason I don't have a lot of girlfriends. Even though I am a woman I find most women too exhausting for me. I would for example cross a woman I know in the corridor at work and we would start talking and right in the middle of that talk she sees someone else she wants to say hello to and then she comes back and I want to resume our conversation but she tells me she is meeting someone for lunch. And then she will tell me that we should have a coffee or lunch and I know that it will never materialise. Because she will never contact me to fix a date and if I contact her and we manage to fix a date, she will postpone it 3 times...

 

For years I tolerated this in my "friendships" with women until I got so frustrated that I kind of withdrew.

 

I am INTJ.

[tlegend]

My result:

 

ENFJ

Extravert(78%) iNtuitive(25%) Feeling(12%) Judging(22%)

You have strong preference of Extraversion over Introversion (78%)

You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (25%)

You have slight preference of Feeling over Thinking (12%)

You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (22%)

 

Fairly accurate...