Sleazy guy back in contact with my girlfriend

[Zaphod B]

I have been in a relationship with a woman who has a small number of male friends which she had before she met me. One of them is a single guy with kids and he would drop them off quite regularly for them to play with each other. He would stay for coffees and chat and joke with her.

 

Me and my girlfriend moved in with each other and he would still pay regular visits. Sometimes I would be a work, but she would always tell me he was coming over with his kids for a visit and they’d usually be there when I came home. His kids always came with him. I didn’t really like him, because I thought he was a little too flirtatious. And she would also discuss our relationship with him, including our sex life. It really bugged me that she was confiding in him, but she assured me she had no romantic interests in him at all and he was just a friend.

 

Anyway one day he visited while I was at work. His kids were with him as usual, however he made sexual advances on her. She immediately ordered him to leave and cut contact with him. This was great because it showed me her loyalty towards me.

 

However both of us were finding it difficult to live together especially with issues involving the kids so I moved back into a place of my own, although we still consider ourselves to be in a relationshp. Last week though I was there and one of the kids came into the room saying that the guy had rung and left a message for her. I was immediately “what the hell? Why is he ringing? Are you in contact with him again???” She told me that he had rung her a week or so ago wanting to know if the kids could play. So she had agreed to it. He had also apologised for what he had done last time he was there.

 

However for me, I was horrified that she would resume communications with the sleaze bag again. I was really pissed and told her I couldn’t believe she was in contact with him again. As far as I was concerned he had disrespected me, disrespected her and disrespected our relationship so how could she possibly in all good faith EVER allow this guy back into her life, particularly while we were still a couple? Further more was she ever intending on telling me she was back on contact with him? How would she feel if she was in MY shoes?

 

What annoys me is that she’s getting pissy at me because I’m making an issue out of it and doubting whether I can trust her. I’m on the verge of telling her if she wants that creep in her life then I won’t be in it. She may have forgiven him and she may trust him, but I don’t trust him and definitely DON’T forgive him.

 

At the moment, I don’t know if she’s gonna cut ties with him. We will most likely talk more tonight about it, however I think I should still take a hard line against this fellow being in contact with her. But I want to know if I am over reacting. Am I being unreasonable? Is it fair of me to demand she cuts all contact with that guy?

[truth_seeker]

Very fair. This guy wants to get it on with her. He failed once but if given another opportunity, he will try again.

[InnocentMan]

You shouldn't have to demand anything.

[mortensorchid]

I do not like to hear this, not the fact that she is in contact with someone you don't like, but the fact that you don't like it either. When there are jealousy issues in relationships like this, it's a bad situation.

 

 

Since you know that he's made some kind of inappropriate contact with her, you are justified in not liking him. The two of them were friends before you came into the picture, she must be used to this already. If I were you, I'd back off otherwise that will make her want to be with him more. If you demand that they not see each other, she may defy you even more. You should say you don't approve of their friendship, but you can't control whatever it is that goes on between them and you would rather not be around him if you can help it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

telling her if she wants that creep in her life then i won’t be in it.

 

 

d.

 

T.

 

M.

 

F.

 

A.

 

 

!!!

[nomadic_butterfly]

I do not like to hear this, not the fact that she is in contact with someone you don't like, but the fact that you don't like it either. When there are jealousy issues in relationships like this, it's a bad situation.

 

 

Since you know that he's made some kind of inappropriate contact with her, you are justified in not liking him. The two of them were friends before you came into the picture, she must be used to this already. If I were you, I'd back off otherwise that will make her want to be with him more. If you demand that they not see each other, she may defy you even more. You should say you don't approve of their friendship, but you can't control whatever it is that goes on between them and you would rather not be around him if you can help it.

 

Doesn't that sound like too much unnecessary stress though? Like honestly...if I have to tiptoe, walk on egg shells, go through all of that...

 

She allows another man to disrespect you AND your relationship. There are no excuses for this. If it were her children's dad and he had custody or something, that would be slightly different but their friendship is optional and he is clearly manipulating the situation. Even if it has happened before, (which it most likely did) it is completely unacceptable and she is putting marginal boundaries which are crucial when in a relationship. I am not the type to "forbid" my man from having female friends but the minute one of them crosses the line, they get the axe. And this should be HIS doing; not my ultimatum because it is common sense. You don't hold on to a "friend" that clearly behaves inappropriately and disrespects your relationship. Wouldn't even matter if she knew him for an eternity.

 

OP needs to put his foot down or get a new gf.

[John316C]

sounds like she is not knowledgeable enough to realize she's hurting your feelings. Small boundary issue... The guy has big boundary issues. Don't get jealous. It makes you seem weak. That's why she's getting pissy. Keep it up and she will lose her attraction to you.

 

Solutions: You allow his kids to play with hers, but he can't stay around while the kids are playing.

 

You tell her how you feel. Don't get emotional. Especially with the other guy when she's around. She's in a relationship with you. Not him. Don't lose emotional control. No stammering/explosive behavior. Do not feel threatened - it makes you look weak.

 

She no longer accepts him around and therefor your kids can't be friends.

 

I don't have all the answers as how you should emotionally conduct yourself. All I can tell you is not to come across as weak/needy.

[ascendotum]

What annoys me is that she’s getting pissy at me because I’m making an issue out of it and doubting whether I can trust her. I’m on the verge of telling her if she wants that creep in her life then I won’t be in it. She may have forgiven him and she may trust him, but I don’t trust him and definitely DON’T forgive him.

^ This is what it would boil down to for me.

If that scenario had played out with my gf, yes I would trust her as she did the right thing the first time and booted him out. I still would not want that prick in my house anymore. He knew she was in a relationship with you but still tried to get an affair going with her while you were at work. The kids miss out on playing with each other, well tough luck. Their sleazy dad is to blame and he is the one all the guilt should be slung on.

 

The trouble is now with the change in living arrangements, this is not your house anymore he will be visiting. Its hers and she is entitled to have her friends over. Tricky situation especially if your gf tries to flip this back on you by saying you're insecure or don't trust her. That's not 100% of the reason why a bf would not want a guy such as this hanging around their gf while he's at work. If she wants the kids to play together, fine. He drops them off then he can piss off asap.

 

She knows herself well enough to know she wont **** this guy behind your back, so is fine dealing with the situation because she knows she wont be doing anything wrong. The trouble is she does not really appreciate your feelings on her having a guy around that tried to do the dirty on you. The vast majority of guys imo are not going to wont such a guy hanging around their girl anymore, even if he says he will behave himself....now.

[Zaphod B]

Truthseeker, that’s what I believe too.

 

InnocentMan, I hope that I don’t have to. I hope she will do the right thing. I don’t even think it should have come this far though. She should have refused to speak to him when he tried to make contact again.

 

Mortenorchid, thanks for your comments. I just feel like it is a slap in the face to me that she even agreed to start talking to him again.

 

Sincereonlineguy. Hi. I am trying to figure out what those letters stand for, but I’m not coming up with anything that is obvious. Lol.

 

Nomadicbutterfly. I tend to agree and that guy most definitely crossed the line.

 

John. Thanks for your input. The thing I am worried about is appearing weak by not making a stand on this, but I definitely see where you’re coming from. This is not the first time she has “lacked knowledge” as it were. There have been other things where she did not think about the appropriateness of a certain situation. and when she realised that she hadn’t, she was apologetic. I hope this time will be the same. There sometimes even seems to be a certain naivety about her. She sees no problems with storing stuff in her house for her ex husband who she dumped about 4 years ago. She keeps photographs of him. She even allows him to make himself at home when he comes over to pick up or drop off the kids (as he was travelling a long distance to do it). I didnt' make a big deal about that stuff though especially as he is a decent guy and I know he's no threat. But it’s like she has no clue sometimes. She gets given this piece of jewelry and a card from a male friend telling her how much he appreciates her and she puts it on her bedside table as if it’s no big deal. And I'm like “WTF? How do you think that looks to me?” I tend to get pissed off about things, but then calm down later and accept what she says ie, that it is all perfectly innocent, but on this occasion I believe this is something that just can't be accepted and overlooked.

 

Ascentdotum, thanks. These exact thoughts have been running through my mind and I have come to similar conclusions. It’s good to know that others think the same as me.

 

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Zaphod B

[salparadise]

Tricky situation especially if your gf tries to flip this back on you by saying you're insecure or don't trust her. That's not 100% of the reason why a bf would not want a guy such as this hanging around their gf while he's at work.

 

Exactly, flipping it back at you is the ultimate expression of disrespect.

 

You can't control what she does about the guy, or her attitude in the whole matter. Therefore, I think that you should not even attempt to tell her whether she should allow this guy to come sniffing around. Say how you feel (if you haven't already), see what she does with it and make your decisions accordingly. If she doesn't respect your legitimate feelings in this somewhat obvious situation, what does that say about the potential for happiness, fulfillment and the future of this relationship? There is a lot more to it than making that guy go away.

[Emilia]

What would put me off OP is that it sounds like your girlfriend is a very bad judge of character. I have male friends but sure as hell they don't creep around my house waiting for their chance. I would struggle to maintain respect for someone who was so pliant and easy to influence.

[StanMusial]

She opens the door and he walks through it. That doesn't make him a sleazebag. Talking about sex with the dude? LOL c'mon man.

[carhill]

OP, question: Ever met this guy? Shook his hand? Looked him in the eye? Spent some time with him?

 

Scary version? It's a mind-fµck, for reasons unknown.

 

 

And then there's this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/337282-ex-staying-over

 

Hmm....

[stillafool]

It's very inappropriate for him and his kids to be at your house when you aren't home. Even when you're home it's a stupid idea. He has made sexual advances towards your girl and still she wants to be his friend? Something smells foul here.

[Zaphod B]

Hi Salparadise. I agree

 

HaveGreatSelfEsteem. We’ve been a couple for almost 2 years now. I agree, I think he’s using his kid as a way to get back in and give it another try, this time perhaps using a different strategy. I’m pretty much convinced, based on things she says and has said in the past that she has absolutely no romantic interest in the guy at all. So far I have seen no real evidence of her being a cheat, but I am still a little weary.

 

Hi Emilia. I believe there is some naivety there when it comes to certain situations, but she is very strong willed. Definitely NOT easy to influence.

 

StanMusial, He tried to bed another man’s girlfriend, knowing full well she was in a relationship. That makes him a sleaze bag as far as I'm concerned. As far as she was concerned he was just a friend.

 

Carhill, yes, I have met him on several occasions and sat down to talk to him. I never trusted him from the word go and I told her that. Thought he was too flirtatious. She would say “Oh that’s just the way he is, he means nothing by it” and I would say. “Well I don’t like it, so he’d better stop if he wants to keep coming over here.”

 

Ah, yes, that other thread... You know, I forgot all about that! I think it’s her being a little clueless about boundaries when it comes to ex’s. That was definitely about the kids, rather than her wanting him over. Definitely no worries of anything going on there as most of the time she is pissed off at him for being a dead beat dad and not paying child support. Only tries to accommodate him for the kids sake. Fortunately that situation never came up again. He’s pretty much burnt his bridges now though as he told her a couple of months ago that he no longer wanted to see the kids. Seems they were too much of an inconvenience for him.

 

Update coming in my next post.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Zaphod B

[Zaphod B]

Ok, we had a good talk about this. She does understand where I’m coming from, but assures me it was him who contacted her (not the other way around) and it was just to get permission for his daughter to come and see her daughter after school on certain days. Oh, I’m sure that he has more than that in mind and is using his daughter to get back in the door again so he can try again and I told her that.

 

Once again a little naivety from her when she says “He’s sorry about what happened and knows he was in the wrong.” My reply was, ‘Earlier this year he was trying to get you into bed. He wanted to have sex with you. I can guarantee you now he still wants to have sex with you and you’re being naïve if you don’t think he does.” I think that really did make her stop and think hard about the situation.

 

I did stick to my guns and said that him coming over or even texting her or calling her is unacceptable as far as I’m concerned and she seemed to accept that.

 

I do feel better about the situation, but she still wants his daughter and her own daughter to be able to have contact but seems to think it can happen without him ringing and without him coming onto the property. I’m still not sure if I’m ok with that, but I don’t want to appear to be controlling or too distrustful. We’ll see how things go.

[Zaphod B]

Hi Stillafool. Sorry didn't see your post till now. I always told her I was uncomfortable about her male friends (even though they were guys she's known for years) coming over, but she always told me when they were coming and she always had kids at home when they did. The problem for me was always how big a deal do you make of it? Especially when you're supposed to trust your partner.

 

I've met the other two of her male friends (one an old guy - the other not quite all there) and I had no problems with them at all. They clearly weren't the type of guys you'd worry about, but this one I'm talking about now, i never trusted and it turned out I was right not to trust him.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Zaphod B

[ThatMan]

Zaphod B, You need to sort through your feelings and decide what's best for you. If I was in this position, I would understand what's best for me, and I would be considerate of that. Simply put, if a man made sexual advances to my spouse I would ask that they completely end all contact forever. If she continued to meet with him in my own house, then *I* would walk away. I will not comprise in my comfort at this point. I've known people in your EXACT situation have sex with the kids playing in another room.

 

Say whatever you want. The reality is that she accepts his advances and allows it to continue. She offered him consent and permitted him to continue visiting, and that's a fact. You are free to express your concerns with her. Sharing what you want is neither possessive nor controlling. But I would feel deeply hurt and disrespected by her choices if I were in your position.

Edited December 15, 2013 by ThatMan

[Zaphod B]

Hi. So far he hasn't visited. It's just been a couple of phone calls and texts. I tell you if I find out she has had him over, then I would consider that a betrayal on her part.

 

And no, I'm pretty certain that she has no romantic or sexual interests in this guy at all. It's a one sided thing, it's just that's she's way too forgiving and naive. And no, she wouldn't be able to sneak away to have sex when her kids are around.( She has 5 of them ) and even we can't do that without one of them coming and knocking on the bedroom door (or even just bowling in). And now she even has her mother and step father living in the house.

 

Nevertheless, even though I'm am comfortable she would not ever want to have sex with this guy, it has really pissed me off that she would even contemplate being back in contact with him. This is the issue which got me to do this thread. And I already made my feelings known to her in a very pissed off manner before I created this thread.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Zaphod B

[ThatMan]

And no, I'm pretty certain that she has no romantic or sexual interests in this guy at all. It's a one sided thing, it's just that's she's way too forgiving and naive.

 

Do not make excuses for her. If she understands how uncomfortable you are then she is being extremely hurtful and disrespectful. She know's what she is doing. She has the freedom to hang up the phone.

 

She is *choosing* further contact with this loser over *your* comfort and trust. She seems to value talking to this man more than how you feel. In fact, she's going out of her way to contemplate getting in touch again. That would be pretty unacceptable to me. You have every right to be angry with her and her choices. But why would you excuse her behavior like this? She has to decide for herself how to behave. And you are free to share your feelings and point of view. She has to be told by you what her choices are doing.

Edited December 15, 2013 by ThatMan

[Zaphod B]

Thanks for you responses. You are of course correct in what you say. There are no excuses.

 

I see that the general consensus on this thread that it's perfectly acceptable for me to be pissed off about all this and I am not overeacting. If she continues to remain in contact with him, especially after our talks, then that's gonna tell me she doesn't respect our relationship at all.