Anger Management? take it or leave it

[ExposedBrick]

I began dating a new woman about two months. Over that time, we have become shockingly close. Everything seemed to be going great. Unfortunately, she is displaying some signs of an anger management issue, which I am very conflicted about.

 

98% of the time there is a pleasant interaction between the two of us and I love it. At this point, there have been three separate incidents where another, unbelievably unpleasant, side of herself has been shown. She seems to get into these states of mind where I can't say anything write or try to console her in any way. She has also said some rather offensive things to me. One incident was spurred by an email from her boss. Another was caused by a poor interaction with her friends by me, which I agree I was not acting perfectly. However, it resulted in a rather extreme overreaction.

 

Growing up as a kid, my father had always had a bad temper which he never addressed. These interactions remind of his pattern of overreacting in an angry way to relatively insignificant things. The difference here is she has apologized repeatedly and seems to be aware of the problem. She says she wants to change, but can't promise it won't happen again. We have had several intimate conversations about it.

 

I somehow already care about her a lot and really enjoy my time with her when she isn't in these moods. At the same time, its only been a couple of months. I also realize its probably unrealistic to expect someone to change. This has been extremely disappointing.

 

Seeking some neutral advice, is it better to cut my losses or give this a chance? I realize that the more time that we spend together, the more difficult it will be to walk away.

[Balzac]

Ok you asked. I'd be thinking some degree of personality disorder. Effective treatment is available but it's not a quick fix. I think this because of how "close" you are in such a short time frame. Extreme reaction of anger to/about her boss. I'd be willing to bet she has some boundary problems.

 

Unless you're willing to devote 5 years to a maybe counseling situation - cut it off.

 

Be assured this is not the first relationship she has lost due to her issue - yet you've heard of no psychological intervention?

[ExposedBrick]

I appreciate the feedback as well as any other feedback. I'm a very altruistic person. Its hard to for me to walk away from a situation where somewhere is clearly in need of help.

[Balzac]

Think of your feelings when she's unglued. How does the long term prospect of the repeating movie looking to you. This is not a simple matter of controlling outbursts. Anger management involves changing thought patterns.

[ExposedBrick]

Great point. Change has to occur internally. While I wish I could help, its not my responsibility. Again, the level of disappointment has been overwhelming the past few days. However, denying there is an issue isn't going to get me anywhere. Thanks again.

[ExposedBrick]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by boundary issues. Can you elaborate on that more please?

[ExposedBrick]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by boundary issues. Can you elaborate on that more please?

 

 

this is mostly for future reference.

[Dallers]

Forgive me here, but could someone be so kind as to explain to me how this post differs from every other living breathing woman on the planet?

 

Are you sure she is not just being....a woman?!

 

I would be careful offering her anger management therapy as well, VERY careful.

[ExposedBrick]

Thank you for your reply. How do I know if she isn't just being any other woman alive? I do tend to overreact to situations at times myself. I actually commend her rather blunt approach and that she didn't bottle things up and let them fester. She did scare me by leaving my apartment drunk in the middle of the night, especially when I live in a large urban area without the safest profile.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm very conflicted. The time we spent together has been wonderful up with the exception of these mood swings.

[tlegend]

Thank you for your reply. How do I know if she isn't just being any other woman alive? I do tend to overreact to situations at times myself. I actually commend her rather blunt approach and that she didn't bottle things up and let them fester. She did scare me by leaving my apartment drunk in the middle of the night, especially when I live in a large urban area without the safest profile.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm very conflicted. The time we spent together has been wonderful up with the exception of these mood swings.

 

So in reality and by your admission, you haven't actually done any research about her possibly having latent anger issues. She just went off the handle a few times and it very obviously upset you.

 

However, diagnosing a personality disorder from a few interactions that didn't go favorably? I'm sure that's how shrinks get sued.

 

Stop thinking this lady some lab rat. Maybe you deserved getting yelled at. By your own admission you felt you weren't "acting perfectly". Since it's a matter of perspective, I suggest you put it INTO perspective.

[Under The Radar]

This is not a case of "just being a woman". They are in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and this has happened THREE TIMES in two months.

 

She admits it's a problem, says she wants to change, but doesn't know if she can. She is telling the OP what to expect in the future. When the romance stage of the relationship ends he can expect more angry outburst and inappropriate overreactions.

 

Her behavior, especially this early on in the relationship, is a HUGE red flag ...... I would walk away.

[dreamingoftigers]

I appreciate the feedback as well as any other feedback. I'm a very altruistic person. Its hard to for me to walk away from a situation where somewhere is clearly in need of help.

 

Oh for crap sakes.

 

This is who abusive and angry people pick specifically for relationships!

They want the person who "helps" them clean up their emotional mess. And you're right there willing to help, right?

 

You don't stay in toxic (or potentially damaging) relationships to "help" someone.

You get out of them to help yourself and help the other person possibly cone to the realization that acting the way that they have isn't okay in a relationship.

 

So so so many times I've "loved and helped" in my relationships and all that it does is make you a dumping ground for awful behaviour and shallow apologies. It doesn't mean these people are "bad people" but it does mean that they aren't READY to be FUNCTIONAL partners no matter how much you may care for them.

 

Love yourself enough to find someone that is ready for that. It doesn't mean that they have to be "perfect." But if you can ID this as a PATTERN at two months, it's too serious an issue.

 

Nobody should be saying "oh hey this needs to change" at two months. Not should you be taking on the responsibility to help a brand new partner with their behaviour problems. You aren't her mother. You are supposed to be mutual partners. That means you ACT respectfully toward one another.

 

I know this stuff isn't 100%, but it's already flagging for you.

 

And anger is such a difficult one to work with. You shouldn't have to feel on edge around a partner you've know so little. Or really, any partner. But this has barely gotten off of the ground!

[dreamingoftigers]

Forgive me here, but could someone be so kind as to explain to me how this post differs from every other living breathing woman on the planet?

 

Are you sure she is not just being....a woman?!

 

I would be careful offering her anger management therapy as well, VERY careful.

 

Last time I went to the doctor he did in fact confirm my gender.

I am a female of the species.

I don't go around acting like an aggressive nutbag.

Most people don't.

My father does however, and so does OP's father.

 

Aggression and poor boundaries don't need a gender label.

 

But giving it one, like above, only dismisses the victims of it, shames those of the same category that don't participate in it, and provides a lame justification to the ones that do.

 

Not good.

[ExposedBrick]

Given the lack of consensus here, I don't feel so bad about being indecisive here. I expect a certain degree of "being a woman" to occur. However, it seems more intense than I would have expected, particularly for someone I'm still getting to know early on. I thought about giving out a little more time. Although I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect, inviting trouble is not usually a good idea. Any other opinion are very welcome.

[Under The Radar]

Oh for crap sakes.

 

This is who abusive and angry people pick specifically for relationships!

They want the person who "helps" them clean up their emotional mess. And you're right there willing to help, right?

 

You don't stay in toxic (or potentially damaging) relationships to "help" someone.

You get out of them to help yourself and help the other person possibly cone to the realization that acting the way that they have isn't okay in a relationship.

 

So so so many times I've "loved and helped" in my relationships and all that it does is make you a dumping ground for awful behaviour and shallow apologies. It doesn't mean these people are "bad people" but it does mean that they aren't READY to be FUNCTIONAL partners no matter how much you may care for them.

 

Love yourself enough to find someone that is ready for that. It doesn't mean that they have to be "perfect." But if you can ID this as a PATTERN at two months, it's too serious an issue.

 

Nobody should be saying "oh hey this needs to change" at two months. Not should you be taking on the responsibility to help a brand new partner with their behaviour problems. You aren't her mother. You are supposed to be mutual partners. That means you ACT respectfully toward one another.

 

I know this stuff isn't 100%, but it's already flagging for you.

 

And anger is such a difficult one to work with. You shouldn't have to feel on edge around a partner you've know so little. Or really, any partner. But this has barely gotten off of the ground!

 

 

Excellent post and so true.

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you be more specific, OP? What did she do that troubled you so much?

 

I sympathize with you. I dated a man with anger issues; it was a very rough ride for me. He'd vent and rage and generally lose touch, and then act totally normal. I, on the other hand, was left to soak up his tirades and act as his emotional whipping post. It didn't last long.

[ExposedBrick]

I guess it troubling because she said some hurtful things towards me each time this happened. I don't think it was wrong for her to necessarily be upset about the things she got upset about. The approach was just all wrong.

 

The time this occurred she became very angry/frustrated with herself about an email from her boss that critiqued her. I tried to talk to her about it but it only seemed to make things worse. I tried to help her put things in perspective but it failed. She wasn't at risk of being fired but was just beating herself up. I asked her how she copes with problems and didn't seem to have an answer. At one point she was peeling a potato and it fell on the floor which resulted in her throwing the peeler into the sink in a huff. She became so irritable she made a sneer at me because she thought it eat loudly.

 

The second incident occurred after we had sex. She became very upset implying in a coarse way that I wasn't concerned with her needs. She became so upset, again there was no talking to her again. This made me feel very inadequate especially when I questioned her about it and received no answers.

 

The third incident occurred after an evening out with her friends. I was particularly fatigued and I tend to be more reserved around people I don't know. At the end of the night, she became very angry at me because if my poor social performance. I don't disagree that I was being withdrawn. We took a cab towards my place and when we arrived she said she just wanted to take the cab home. I told her to come in so we could talk about it. I tried to reassure her that I was fatigued and had many previous successful outings with her friends. But she was so worked up and offended by my actions, she harshly stated that she thought I was depressed, again making me feel like crap. I had regularly made a strong effort to hang out with her friends since I knew it was important. She then stormed out into the middle if the city by herself late at night alone. I tried to stop her but it was no use.

 

Each time had apologized for her behavior. She seems sincere. I realize the third episode may have been prevented had I just let her go home. I'm trying to figure out if this is just a matter of sorting out how to cope with her in these emotionally charged states or if she may have real anger problems.

[Under The Radar]

I'm going to take the time to post once more this:

 

SHE HAS REAL ANGER PROBLEMS!!!

This is not just a matter of "sorting out how to cope with her in these emotionally charged states".

 

Again, she is showing you what to expect in the future. She is showing several "key cards from her deck" at only two months into the relationship! I'm not even in this relationship and I can see the writing on the wall. These instances you describe fall under the category of classic red flags. Run, run far, and don't look back.

 

*Sigh* This will NOT end well.

[TheGuard13]

I have to agree that her showing this side of her two months in is a red flag. Most people are on their best behavior, and careful to hide their flaws this early in a relationship.

 

 

She may be bipolar or she may just have issues controlling her emotions. Either way, if she's not willing to work on the issue, I'd say it's time to think about leaving.

[tlegend]

I disagree.

 

I do think she has some underlying anger issues, however, I also believe that if you are willing to STEP AWAY for a second when she's having an episode, you wouldn't have had any of these incidents.

 

I have anger issues. I can totally see this from her side of the fence. However, when I realize I'm losing control of that anger, or I may lash out, I try to distance myself at least for a little while. DO NOT try to "talk things out" at that moment, DO NOT try to tell her NO, and DO NOT restrict her.

 

Everyone has issues. You aren't going to find perfect people. However, this is obviously a part of her. She obviously needs to work on her anger issues and getting it under control, but that is something that can be taught and worked together on. If you feel this is a cup of tea you do not want to drink from, then by all means, end the relationship. But to assume this woman has some kind of personality disorder because of a few times she got upset is just ignorant.

 

Sure, these are signs of someone suffering from a personality disorder. However, leave the diagnosis to someone who is qualified to do so. Make your judgement based on what you know, do not assume to know more than you do.

 

Personally, I think you should take a chill pill and talk to her about how you will leave her alone if she has another episode as long as she can understand she needs to channel that rage into something else...and not you.

 

If she can't do that, or she has another episode that is directed toward you even after you leave her alone for a bit, then its very obvious she DOESN'T have a handle on her anger.