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Men who hate their mothers...Is this a warning sign?


Iamhappy

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I'm back on the dating scene (which is strange because I never really entered it in the first place.)

 

The first date I was ever on ended after 7 years and that was 7 years too long. :D

 

Some observations (Why, yes, I am about to make a list. I LOOOOVE lists don't you?!!!)

 

1. No one ever comes right out and says, "Let's go out..." The new catchphrase seems to be, "Let's hang" or "Let's get coffee" but maybe that's because I'm still in grad school.

 

I've gotten the "Let's get coffee" one a lot. Who knew I was being asked out? I always just answered with "I don't drink coffee" because it's true. I. Don't. Drink. Coffee.

 

Edited to add: I did later find out that I was being asked out under the guise of coffee. Also, I did accept a coffee invitation...not to drink coffee, but to discuss a class project. I found out later that while I thought I was on a coffee run with a classmate, he thought he was on a date with me.

 

2. I think younger guys (really early 20s) dig trying to convince older women (me - I'm 32 thank you!) to date them. It's flattering, but no thanks. I'm busy making a life for myself and while I'll try just about anything, that doesn't include you.

 

3. There are a lot of guys out there who don't like and sometimes just plain hate their moms. This seems like a warning sign to me.

 

If you're going to talk about your mom in a really judgmental way to me (who's practically a stranger) I'd hate to think how you talk about her with someone more familiar to you.

 

Right now, dating's just ok for me. I really like being single. I feel like I've been there, done that (marriage, house, etc.) and I prefer being alone.

 

I will still foray into the dating world though.

 

So to my brethren and sisthren, what is the dating world like when you are in your 30s?

 

What should I expect?

 

What should I watch out for?

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i'd also take bad-mouthing their mothers as a warning sign, unless they're teenagers. bad-mouthing anybody to a stranger is a warning sign to me. the only upside i see is that they're not mamma's boyz, which is a benefit :)

that's my 2c.

 

good luck,

-yes

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Men who hate their mother's is definetly a warning sign! Their mother has history with him, has given them life, and they still would consider hating their mothers?

 

IMO Men who disrespect and hate their mothers will most likely feel that way about you, their mothers gave them life, what have you done?

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Well, actually, not every mother is a saint. Some mothers are abusive. Some are neglectful. Some are alcoholic. Some had multiple affairs. Despite what people still seem to think, motherhood does not confer sainthood or goodness upon a person.

 

Before leaping to any hasty judgment, I'd want to hear why the fellow dislikes his mom. If she's been abusive or neglectful and he still adores her, I'd be more worried since it would mean he hadn't managed to individuate or develop a healthy sense of self-worth after such treatment.

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I agree with the last post. Some mothers are far from perfect and have left damaging scars on their sons/daughters. Bad talking them, though, is not okay. Unless that's their way of dealing but then that's not really dealing at all!

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Concerning the mother question: I would view negative commentation about one's mother to reflect poorly on one's own character. I love my mother more than anything, even if she has done a few things I do not agree with. I would definitely consider this a "warning sign".

 

Going out to get coffee is almost always a date, and it has been this way for quite some time. I was not aware that persons who were in their thirties would be oblivious as to this fact. It is extremely rare for a man to ask a woman to go anywhere with him alone unless it shall be viewed as a date.

 

I invite people for coffee quite frequently, to which most reply, "I do not drink coffee." I will rephrase, "Then would you like to accompany me to the cafe? They have tea, coffee that you refuse to drink, and quite a few other varieties of beverage, one of which I am certain you will find palatable. At the very least, you can order a glass of milk and one of those tasty little pastries they have."

 

If the person on the receiving end accepts, I might ask if I could consider it a date. Most often, however, I will simply remind them that I am, in fact, considering it a date.

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I love my mother, I can usually talk to her like a person and not my mom. But we do have heated conversations from time to time. She has anxiety and some other problems. So, she tends to focus on everones negetive points and she can be some what rude at times. I never put her down, especially around other people. That doesn't show people qood qualities about yourself. Putting anyone down, like on a date. It is impolite.

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sweetadeline

Although there seems to be a consensus that bad-mouthing Mom on a date is not a good sign, I have to second Moimeme's opinion here: context is everything. If a guy's mother was genuinely abusive and/or neglectful, I would be concerned if he *didn't* seem to be aware of that. To me, that would suggest that the guy was seriously invested in denial, and probably not healthy enough for the demands of an adult relationship.

 

But again, context is everything. Even if a guy's mother were abusive, neglectful, or otherwise troubled, the extent to which he reveals this info, and the way in which he does so, is key. If, on the first date, he rants about his mother for an hour, I would suggest finding the nearest exit asap. If he casually, and briefly, mentioned that his mother had some issues but that he was working to understand her better (for instance), I'd be impressed by his combination of honesty, responsibility, and restraint.

 

Iamhappy, I think you also asked what it's like to date in your 30s. I too was married during my 20s and only started "dating" once I got divorced at 30. It's hard to know what you should expect, b/c I think that can vary according to your geographical location (urban, rural, small college town), your profession (I too was in grad school, which I think is different than working full time), etc. I would say that based on my experience so far, it can be hard to find a guy in his mid- to late 30s who is ready, willing, and able to make a serious commitment. And we are also a bit more wary after being divorced (as someone I know recently said, "when you date after 30, everyone has baggage, and it often doesn't match"). If you're interested in dating as a new sport, so to speak, that's good--it *can* be a way to meet interesting people, network, and so on. As for what to expect/watch out for, that of course varies depending on what you want. But I found that, since I had never really done any "dating" (hooked up at 17, married the same guy at 22), I didn't have well-developed instincts for evaluating guys, and was too nice to some and not nice enough to others. The only way to deal with that, I think, is to keep dating and realize that you will be on a learning curve for a while. Good luck!

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that's a warning sign. My ex-brother in law was a jerk to his mother...walked all over her and guess what? He treated my sister the same way.

 

One of the first things I try to find out about a guy is if they're close with their mothers and families in general...that's always a good sign.

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HokeyReligions

Where were you all 25 years ago!!!!!

 

My husband told me how much he absolutly hated his mother somewhere around our 3rd or 5th date I think. He turned red with anger and hatred and gritted his teeth when talking about his mother -- his hatred was PASSIONATE!

 

I talked to my mom about it and she said that, while it wasn't good he felt this angry about his mother still, it was understandable and at least he was talking about his parents and family with me---so I should take it as a positive thing.

 

Yeah, right. Would that I had realized the problems that vile, black, insane hatred would cause in our own relationship! It wasn't that he felt so close to me that he wanted to share something intimate and personal; it was that the burning bile of bitterness was spilling over and he needed a sounding board. Gee. Lucky for me.

 

Thank goodness for good psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors. :)

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This is regarding men who voice their hatred of their mothers. I have wondered the same thing.

 

My boyfriend doesn't speak with his mother. He didn't anouce to me how much he dis-liked her, it just eventually came up. And let me tell you, when he speaks about his mother, its not nice. He doesn't scream or yell ar really even get angry when he speaks about her, but you hear the content in his voice. His father, I think doesn't help the situation, as there is a younger sibling who is still living with his mother. He tells me how his father hates women because of his mom. I have felt that it gives a bad under-tone to our relationship, because, hey, I am a women, and I am a mother.

 

I ask him "what exactly did she do?" He says she is evil and selfish and he will never talk to her again. BUT, she was no saint, and he has been on his own since he was 17. HE tells me that he really never even got along with women on a friendly basis,and barely dated until he met me. (he is 30 now, I'm 35)

 

Evil or not, I do worry. Am I a mommy replacement? I do feel like I take care of him a little to much for my taste. I have had to tell him that in an ideal world, I would like to have my man take care of me, but if that isn't possible, at least take care of your self, I don't need another child to take care of.

 

Its a little strange.

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Unless his mother really did keep him chained to the bedpost and fed him dogfood for 15 years, she does not deserve HATRED. I could understand someone saying they have mixed emotions about their mother, or feel angry about some things, or don't get along at times, but to carry hatred towards the woman who gave you life does not bespeak emotional health or good ethics. Unless whatever she has done is so HORRIBLE that it outweighs her precious gift of life to him, he is not thinking clearly. I would tend to think that he is self-centered.

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Well, I'm not the type of person to hold a grudge, and really no matter what thats really what it is. My mother, and my bf's mother have a lot in common and we have talked about it. I do still talk to my monther, even though I really dont care for her as a person. She hasnt been the best mother. She never will be, but I have accepted that fact and I still speak with her.

 

His theory is why bother to open yourself up to more pain and manipulation.

 

I love my son, take care of him and am raising him the best I know how. I hope my son would never feel that I was so horrible that its better just not to speak to me. I would be sad, crushed, and even if he did feel that way I wouldnt give up. But this women, my bf's mother, didnt even try to make a mends of the ofel situation. Not until recently. His brother turned 16 and was allowed to move in with his father. So now she has no children at home. I dont know what my bf's brother feels for his mother but I dont think its a great relationship. She reached out to his father asking about him and wanting to talk to him, to which my bf responded never.

 

I thought the situation was a strang one, and its a taboo topic. But I spoke to my best friend about it, and not even thinking about it, she reminded me that she hasnt spoken to her father in over 7 years. I agree her father wasnt the best either, but it was strange to me to cut him off. So, I guess it is part personality and part bad parenting.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with previous posters. Not all mothers are great ones. Just because a woman has had a child it doesn't make her a good person. As for mothers giving their children life, so do fathers, don't they? Unless it was an immaculate conception there was a male involved somewhere in the process of bringing the child into the world. If creating life is all it takes to make a person wonderful, all fathers should be considered wonderful people as well.

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doppelganger

to touch on some of the lighter things in this post first...

 

iamhappy... yes, asking for coffe is the same as being asked out. sort of. While its not full blown pick you up with flowers, nice dinner, etc. Think of it as a neutral place from which you can get to know the person better one on one. From there, you can decide if you want to continue seeing this person on a more intimate level a la dating. Also, asking out to coffee can also be the guys way of doing the same. Ask you out for coffee... see if they like you, if you two click... ask you out again, this time more 'date-like.' And for the money conscious, why would you want to plop down the $$$ on a full blown date with someone you know nothing about, with someone you don't even know if you like outside of what they look like?

 

And as for the younger guys asking you out? Do they know how old you are? You're in school, they may just think your around the same age as them. If thats the case, hey, take it as a compliment. If they do know your older, well then, there's always extra points for that now... :p

 

maybe i'll get blasted for the rest of this post, but who knows....

On to your third point, the title of this thread....

 

I say, don't judge by how he treats his mom. Judge the guy by how he's treating you. If you start to see him treating you like his mom, then there's your red flag. How's it work if he loves his mom but treats you like crap? Does the relationship with the mom really determine the outcome of your relationship with him and how he treats you in that case?

 

I agree with moimeme. Why does the guy dislike the mom? I do not agree that just because she gave you life, you ower her unconditional love and forgiveness. S%*t happens in relationships. This just happens to be one relationship that cant be terminated. She'll always be your mom, like it or not. But sometimes bad parenting happens. We're not talking the arguments about not getting the car for the weekend or getting grounded. Not all parents know how to deal with their children and things may come up and keep coming up that cause so much resentment it turns to hatred, apathy, dislike, frustration, whatever you want to call it. Ok, one easy example off the top of my head-- When parents divorce... want a good way to build resentment with the kids? badmouth the ex. keep doing that. do it over and over. done. That is one of the most easiest ways for a child to start resenting the parent doing the badmouthing (common mistake too in divorces). Anyways, getting off track here. What is the context of this hatred/dislike? And is it really hatred or frustration? Sometimes they look alike.

 

 

My $0.02

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michaeljones

I hate my mother, she mentally and emotionally abused me as a child and therfore I have every right to dispise the selfish bitch.

Im a very moral and decent person, If im in a serious relationship my g/f has to know the truth I cant pretend I like my mother, or my father for that matter.

I cant choose my mother, I dont treat women like **** and I love being alive.

 

A bigger warning sign is if they are selfish, they swear a lot, they smell, they are ignorant and dont listen, they never offer to pay for anything, they lie, they cheat, they never call you, etc etc etc......

 

Hey ladies, guess what, superman doesnt exist!

And all the heroic knights are long gone.

But there are still millions of decent guys out there.

Like me, 90% of the time.

Thanks.

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InmannRoshi

My mother spent 1 day giving birth to me and spent every day thereafter for 18 years trying trying to tear me down in every way possible. Am I supposed to be eternally gratefull for the gift of life when she's told me in no uncertain terms that she thinks my life is a mistake? That she wishes she would have had an abortion, and the only reason she had me was to keep my dad in the picture. When you tell your son that, don't expect a card and flowers on Mother's Day.

 

I guess some will be relieved to know that I've taken myself out of the dating pool.

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