Why would a guy keep a girl around when he's not sleeping with her?

[paigej91]

A guy I have some kind of "more than friends" relationship with (we don't hook-up like FWB's though) always keeps coming back around, despite the fact he knows I'm not going to sleep with him unless we're in a relationship, or have at least talked about it.

 

We don't talk to each other too much lately, but we dated in the past (for much longer than a typical "dating period") and made a decision not to be bf/gf. He isn't/wasn't emotionally available, and I want something more serious (classic, I know).

 

Usually this happens and both parties move on with their lives. We're still "friends". For me it's because I genuinely enjoy his company and don't get along that well with that many people. We actually clicked the instant we met, so it's almost weird it didn't work out. (I suppose the other reason I'm friends with him is because there's always the prospect of him wanting something serious down the road, but I'm not counting on it).

 

Guys- what is the benefit from YOUR perspective of this kind of relationship/friendship? I know from experience and hear men talk about it- if she's not sleeping with you, there's no reason a guy would stay friends with a girl when there's sexual/romantic undertones in the friendship.

 

If it helps, he's 26 and I'm 21.

[kaylan]

It could be one or both of these reasons;

 

1. Wishful thinking that sex could still possibly happen.

 

2. He does enjoy your company despite not wanting a relationship and the lack of sex.

[NoMoreJerks]

A number of possibilities:

 

1. hoping for sex down the line, thinking the wait might be rewarding and the conquest even more valuable because he managed to bed you after you refused to for a long time.

 

2. he just wants to be friends now.

 

I am not a guy but most guys I've known , unless they are gay, they don't really hang out much with me, especially if they were at some point interested in me. Only when they want to sniff around and hope to get laid , do they do that. It's almost funny watching them do that, though . I've recently had a wardrobe change, change of looks, etc., into more professional/sexy look, and I'm still amazed at the number of my male friends who start sniffing around, etc. I've even started getting facebook messages from my old high school (male) friends lol , some of whom live in different countries now. Pathetic really.

[paigej91]

I've recently had a wardrobe change, change of looks, etc., into more professional/sexy look, and I'm still amazed at the number of my male friends who start sniffing around, etc. I've even started getting facebook messages from my old high school (male) friends lol , some of whom live in different countries now. Pathetic really.

 

Hahaha it's so funny so observe! I recently posted a new FB picture of myself (which I never change) and got very similar feedback.

 

I also like watching how men blatantly check out a long-haired woman wearing heels when she's walking down the street- priceless

[lakerman34]

If he's 26, his libido is probably still pretty high and he wants to have sex.

 

Why do I keep a girl around (as a CLOSE friend) that I'm not sleeping with?

 

I only have one close girl friend (and we did sleep together once), but for 8 years, it was only that once. I guess I keep her close because she's cool, she's an extrovert to my introvert, so she sort of helps me out of my bubble (takes me to parties), she's cute so she has cute friends, and she's just cool. We talk about EVERYTHING (including sex -- probably why she needed to see what it was like).

 

My best friends think I'm going to marry her. I could actually list the reasons why I wouldn't even consider dating her (and they are all fixable).

-A bit overweight

-A bit of a slob

-Smokes

-Has that 'ooo shiny' complex that so many young girls have

 

But the BIGGEST issue is that we just don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. BIG things. She wants the typical picket fence, man proposing on her down on one knee, 2.2 kids, that sort of thing. That's not what I want.

 

So I think it's a mutual "not going to work out."

 

Guys and girls CAN be close friends, but if both are straight and hot, it'll probably difficult not to wreak the benefits of being a hot guy and a hot girl, both single.

 

If ALL a girl wanted to do was make-out with me, and she was good at it too, I would keep her around. I can sleep around with someone else. That girl will be my make-out girl.

 

I think all guys will take what they can get.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Because it doesn't take much effort to keep a 21 year old girl around on the back-burner while you still can do other things or other women, and the potential is she'll change her mind and sleep with you...much like you actually think there's a potential for a relationship in spite of him blatantly being made unavailable...on top of that you're a "challenge", you're putting up a fight, so the quest to conquer is higher with a girl that plays hard to get than one that just rolls over the first night.

 

If you were being honest with yourself than you'd simply face the fact that you're really not friends and he's just hanging out with you for some sex down the line and you'd consider him not "relationship material" but no, instead you just think that well maybe he'll want a relationship with you since yadda yadda yadda irrelevant woman mentality.

 

It also comes down to a mans options...the more effort he'll invest to get sex the more likely his options are less than optimal...you might be the best things he's really got for now or maybe he just gets along better with you and can still use you in a girlfriendy kind of way.

 

At the end of the day you're wasting just as much of your own time....

 

"I suppose the other reason I'm friends with him is because there's always the prospect of him wanting something serious down the road, but I'm not counting on it"

 

Typical and ridiculous...hey, maybe if you sleep with him he'll want a relationship!

 

You're not "friends", he's waiting for sex on his terms, you're waiting for sex on yours. Hopefully one day though when you grow up you'll realize how far men will go for sex and how much they say and do to feign a potential relationship and stop thinking it's about something deeper...at least so far, you didn't give him what he wants, but you have to understand at the same time, that just ups the stakes for the guy to want to sleep with you even more.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[MalachiX]

Guys- what is the benefit from YOUR perspective of this kind of relationship/friendship? I know from experience and hear men talk about it- if she's not sleeping with you, there's no reason a guy would stay friends with a girl when there's sexual/romantic undertones in the friendship.

 

Yes, because clearly all men are the same and there's no way anyone might be different.

 

For me it's because I genuinely enjoy his company and don't get along that well with that many people.

 

And why on Earth couldn't this be true of him?

[gaius]

It's not always about sex. You admitted he could have you if he would only commit. Which means he's the one wielding the power in the dynamic between you two. For an egomaniac you make the perfect person to hang out with and talk to. He's reminded how great he is everytime he does. In a way you get him off without having sex.

[brittneyfoster]

It's hard to say since you have tried dating in the past, but it could very well be he truly enjoys your friendship. People neglect to understand that men desire friendships just as much as women do. He could also want sex just like every other man, but men are pretty good at separating the two...so he could want both from you but not want to take it any further than that. The best source is asking him personally! It's hard and intimidating but he would know better than we here at loveshack. : )

[EasyHeart]

Because it doesn't take much effort to keep a 21 year old girl around on the back-burner while you still can do other things or other women, and the potential is she'll change her mind and sleep with you...much like you actually think there's a potential for a relationship in spite of him blatantly being made unavailable...on top of that you're a "challenge", you're putting up a fight, so the quest to conquer is higher with a girl that plays hard to get than one that just rolls over the first night.

I agree with this.

 

In my younger days, I always had a group of "potentials" lined up for whenever I broke up with whatever girl I was sleeping with. It's basically sexual networking.

 

Bottom line: He likes you enough to have sex with you, but not enough to date you.

[Yookie]

I doubt any of the guys will admit this but there's a third reason guys keep girls around that they don't want a relationship with and that is for the ego stroke. You get bragging rights when you have a stable of women pinning after you.

[TheGuard13]

Why?

 

To have sex with her later.

[paigej91]

It's not always about sex. You admitted he could have you if he would only commit. Which means he's the one wielding the power in the dynamic between you two. For an egomaniac you make the perfect person to hang out with and talk to. He's reminded how great he is everytime he does. In a way you get him off without having sex.

 

I genuinely don't understand your argument at all. It's not like I'm selling my soul/entire being away if he only commits. How is he "reminded how great he is everytime he does"? (serious/genuine question).

 

I'd say if anyone is asserting power in this example I am by not sleeping with him unless there's relationship potential.

[paigej91]

 

Bottom line: He likes you enough to have sex with you, but not enough to date you.

 

This is my point though...he hasn't gotten it, and surely knows he won't in a casual setting. What is it that keeps him around? Is it really just wishful thinking after this long?

 

For some reason that seems hard to believe. That's way too much trouble when there's plenty of other women who are much more willing.

Edited October 1, 2013 by paigej91

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is my point though...he hasn't gotten it, and surely knows he won't in a casual setting. What is it that keeps him around? Is it really just wishful thinking after this long?

 

For some reason that seems hard to believe. That's way too much trouble when there's plenty of other women who are much more willing.

 

What you believe is irrelevant....whatever you want to believe in that head of yours because he does this or that is going to be your problem, just don't be surprised when you're constantly confused because that's not how it actually works...why do you think you understand men or this guy? you don't have valid reasons or knowledge to support any other argument, women hardly ever do...you just want to believe in what you want to believe, it's hard to believe anything else because it's not what you want to accept...so it's not a matter of believing, you're choosing what you believe, you don't want to accept is the problem.

 

You think men instantly stop when you're not giving you what they want? of course many do, just looking for a good time...but on the other hand...if you're not someone who is sleeping around or "easy" that also makes you different, that makes you a bigger conquest and challenge because that guy knows NO GUY is getting what he isn't getting either and men will treat and even respect a woman differently that is more conservative guys don't often give a damn about the women they sleep with casually...of course they say they do, a lot of guys will come out with a ton of reasons/excuses about this that and the other thing...but at the end of the day, they're not going to stick around just the same until they're ready to and they find the type of girl they're looking to settle down with and that doesn't take ages to figure out.

 

This guy doesn't even talk to you often, he just dives in like a bird trying to see what's available then swoops back away...and you find it hard to believe that there's some potential there? ha...the guy doesn't talk to you often...he's not even making an effort, because he already knows you shut the door on that because he's got to commit first...and that's not worth it or what he wants.

 

You're lucky this guy at least respects you a little bit...or he'd girlfriend you up for two months then bail saying it didn't work out for X reasons, once he's gotten in your pants and soaked up your attention like a lot of guys will...just intentionally causing rifts and waves to bail out of an undesired situation they really weren't that interested in the first place....that's what you're asking for in man speak, you're asking for this guy to invest in something he really doesn't want to and then you think it will just magically work...but guys aren't like that, they don't change their minds about things like that because they already have their mind made up beforehand.

 

Like I said, whatever you want to tell yourself is your problem...it's just not going to add up or make any sense at the end of the day, and why you think you know something you do not is beyond me but apparently many of your brethren think the same way...in spite of constantly being confused, in reality it's just what you choose to believe.

[gaius]

I genuinely don't understand your argument at all. It's not like I'm selling my soul/entire being away if he only commits. How is he "reminded how great he is everytime he does"? (serious/genuine question).

 

I'd say if anyone is asserting power in this example I am by not sleeping with him unless there's relationship potential.

You said that one of the reasons you still hang around/talk to him is the hope he might come around and commit someday. The power lies with him even though you're not being totally submissive and he knows it.

 

You know, sex is always made a huge deal of but it's not really the sex per se that's so important. It's the respect the act of sex usually represents that guys care so much about and you're managing to show him that respect even without having sex. As an example, there's this one girl who won't have sex with me anymore and I much prefer her company over some women who would be more willing to hop into the sack. The things she does, the way she's way more involved with me, gives me attention on a level she doesn't to other guys, it just strokes my ego more. Which is more important than the act of sex. If the simple act alone was so important guys would just be jerking themselves off all day and visiting prostitutes instead of dropping all kinds of money and time in order to court women the right way.

[RedRobin]

ok well, I'm a woman with lots of male friends, co-workers, mentors, etc. Sure, there was some pressure from a couple to make it more, but that was long ago.

 

Heck, one of my best friends is one of my exes.

 

Why do they keep me around? It isn't because of the potential for sex.

 

...although, don't get me wrong, I know damn well that just about anyone... male or female... looks at their friend and goes 'hmmm' when they are going through a dry spell.

 

These people I call my friends are grown up adults... maybe have a divorce under their belt, in LTR or married. Not little kids or young adults still trying to find their way in life or figure out who they are. They have been down the path of things not working out by going down the 'lets have sex' route and decided they'd rather have a network of REAL friends...

 

not a network of potential f*ckbuddies. Cause that is what the internet is for... these days anyway.

 

So, yea. I do believe that both men and women are capable of being real friends. You just have to learn to sort out the 'real' friends from the fake friends... because ANY kind of friend of either gender is likely to have SOME kind of reason or agenda for hanging out with you. Just make sure that reason is A-OK with your values.

[carhill]

OP, my advice is to enjoy your youth and revisit this issue when you're 26. It'll make more sense then.

 

None of us here can magically know what's in the young man's head, nor can you. Tip: You'll never know what's in another's mind, ever. We can absolutely speculate and draw inferences and generalizations, as can you. That's all they are.

 

If you enjoy being friends with him, be friends. If not, move on. Good luck.

[RedRobin]

OP, my advice is to enjoy your youth and revisit this issue when you're 26. It'll make more sense then.

 

None of us here can magically know what's in the young man's head, nor can you. Tip: You'll never know what's in another's mind, ever. We can absolutely speculate and draw inferences and generalizations, as can you. That's all they are.

 

If you enjoy being friends with him, be friends. If not, move on. Good luck.

 

Well said. Thank you

[Carenth]

I'm 26 and one of my best friends is female. There is no way in hell I would want to date her or have sex with her (and no she is not ugly by any means). However I do enjoy spending time with her as a friend and that's all. Dating her would be like dating my sister and that would be weird...

[paigej91]

You said that one of the reasons you still hang around/talk to him is the hope he might come around and commit someday. The power lies with him even though you're not being totally submissive and he knows it.

 

You know, sex is always made a huge deal of but it's not really the sex per se that's so important. It's the respect the act of sex usually represents that guys care so much about and you're managing to show him that respect even without having sex. As an example, there's this one girl who won't have sex with me anymore and I much prefer her company over some women who would be more willing to hop into the sack. The things she does, the way she's way more involved with me, gives me attention on a level she doesn't to other guys, it just strokes my ego more. Which is more important than the act of sex. If the simple act alone was so important guys would just be jerking themselves off all day and visiting prostitutes instead of dropping all kinds of money and time in order to court women the right way.

 

LOL at the last sentence. Hmm. You do have an interesting point, though. And when I put it in the context of our relationship it makes a bit more sense. Can I ask what the girl in your example does and how she involves herself that makes you enjoy her company?

[StanMusial]

Its not like women are only good for sex. There are other reasons he may keep you around.

 

1. Pity
   
2. Food
   
3. Laundry
   
4. Cleaning
   
5. Errands
   
6. Advice on colors and patterns for clothing
   
7. Activities
   

[365daysgone]

Its not like women are only good for sex. There are other reasons he may keep you around.

 

1. Pity
   
2. Food
   
3. Laundry
   
4. Cleaning
   
5. Errands
   
6. Advice on colors and patterns for clothing
   
7. Activities
   

haha...and the sexism argument ensues...