Complicated situation - I need closure

[SweetCharity]

I put this in the dating section because it's not exactly a break up. It's a very complicated story. Basically we met online and decided to meet in real life. I took one look at him and thought, "No, not happening." But he was very sweet, and even shielded me from the rain.

 

A couple days later I told him I wasn't interested but he kept asking me out and texting me as "friends." So for awhile we were just that. I had zero interest in him at all. I even tried making out with him once when I was drunk just to make sure and freaked out and pushed him away. I felt like such a jerk.

 

A couple days later, he casually told me he had had sex with some girl. And I realized I was livid. I was so angry. Just like that, I realized I did have feelings for him. And then a couple nights later I went over to his house to watch a movie and we slept together. After that we canoodled as if we were a couple. I even made sure to ask him if this was just sex and he said no.

 

But by the end of that week he was hosting a party and he let me know some girl he wanted to date was going. I knew we weren't exclusive and kind of casual but I didn't realize how abruptly his feelings for me had changed. How casually he felt about me.

 

After that party I made it clear I wanted to be with him. Then he made it clear he didn't want to date me. That he wanted to see how things with this girl went. So I moved on and started dating someone else. We stayed friends. And three weeks later, when my relationship failed due to still having feelings for Brian, he came back into the picture to comfort me (the girl he wanted to date had gotten back together with her ex).

 

And I knew I shouldn't have but I slept with him again. I later felt bad and told him I didn't want to do it again because I realized he didn't have feelings for me still. But then one night I changed my mind and he told me he didn't want to sleep with me anymore because he only "saw me as a friend." So we tried to stay friends. But I kept feeling bitter and bringing things up.

 

One night we went to watch a movie and everything fell apart. At the end of the night I made a comment about how he never opens doors for me anymore to which he responded with how he only holds doors open for girls he wants to date and I flipped out over it. Later we had a heated argument over text about everything that has happened in the past few months and he tells me that he used to have feelings, that he doesn't now. That it was all just sex to him. So I tell him I never want to speak to him again.

 

The next day I call and apologize. He says just not to mention it anymore then says he has to go. After that he goes ghost. He stops responding to my calls, my texts, everything. He even deletes me from Facebook.

 

So I moved on. What else could I do?

 

This is where things get ****ed up. A month later he messages me on Facebook. Says he wants to apologize. So I meet him and he holds me so tightly. So I take him back as a friend. He explains he disappeared because he was just sick of fighting all the time. So we started anew. I was in a relationship at the time.

 

He tells me he had missed me. That he does like me. I realize I still have feelings for him.

 

I end my relationship, not because of Brian, but because of other reasons. And he was there. He invited me to sleep in with him. And me, being the fool that I am, did. He told me that this time he intends to date me. That he will take me out. We slept together twice.

 

After that he seemed distant. Didn't text as much. Didn't really ask me out. So I told him,"I don't think you're that into me" to which he responded that I was overthinking things and was just not used to being alone but that he'd be more considerate of my feelings. Most of all he promised he wouldn't disappear again.

 

We had a date last night. It was early in the morning. We were just going to lounge around. And he texts me that we'll have to cancel because his mom needs him to do something for her. But that he'll see me after work but that first he had to go to some job opportunity with his friend at 6:15.

 

So I wait. And I wait. We text back and forth throughout the night. The last text he sends me is at 10:16pm. "Still not out yet."

 

After that nothing. It's midnight. I start getting upset. I send him a text saying, "It's already midnight. How much longer? I've been waiting for hours and I'm trying really hard not to be upset." Then, half an hour later,"I just need an update...keeping me in the dark is a little unfair."

 

2:00 am - "Brian? Are you awake? Alive?"

 

And 19 minutes later I just lose it. I have a panic attack. I can't stop crying. And I send him a barrage of texts telling him how inconsiderate and how hurt I am. Because he kept me waiting. And I knew he had stood me up. I knew I had let him hurt me once again.

 

And he never responds. And all of today, he responds to nothing. No phone calls, no texts, no facebook message. Nothing. And here I am again. He did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do.

 

It's clear what the problem is. It's clear I need to move on. It's clear I could have been less needy. But I feel hollowed out and empty. And I can't stop crying. He and I had a very complicated past. And even now I care so much for him and want him. I've seen him cry. He's seen me cry.

 

Don't tell me the obvious. I know I need to move on.

 

Tell me how I can get closure. I want to find him and make him explain. Or just to tell him how I feel. Because I deserve better than being dismissed. After all that, he runs away again. Nothing else will get rid of this awful feeling.

Edited September 28, 2013 by SweetCharity

[heartshaped]

Some things you just have to let go.

 

Go no contact and accept that the two of you were just not cut out for each other. Do not respond to any calls, texts, etc. from him. He's shown you that you are not a priority to him and he is not interested in being in a relationship with you. He is only using you at this point for sex.

[FemmeMystere]

Well, I won't state the obvious and get into how awful and dysfunctional that "relationship" was. What I will say is that you need to erase him completely from your life. Make the decision to never talk to him again. Go blackout, midnight, pitch black. Change your number if you have to. Get rid of pictures, mix cds, etc anything that reminds you of him. Delete his contact info. Holding on to physical reminders makes it harder to detach from him.

 

Don't pursue him looking for closure, it just isn't a good idea. At best, he'll keep ignoring you. At worst, he'll sweet talk you into sleeping with him again (which wouldn't be difficult considering how emotionally vulnerable you are right now). And the cycle will begin again. How much longer are you going to let this guy wreck havoc on your emotions and self-esteem?

 

You might want to call him every name in the book, but silence can be a very profound statement. If he contacts you again, whether it's tomorrow or a month from now, don't acknowledge him. Delete the text, ignore the call, and don't listen to voice messages that he leaves. Think of all the hurtful things he did to you, and use that as fuel for your resolve. I know it's feels really bad right now, but trust me, it gets better.

[SweetCharity]

Some things you just have to let go.

 

Go no contact and accept that the two of you were just not cut out for each other. Do not respond to any calls, texts, etc. from him. He's shown you that you are not a priority to him and he is not interested in being in a relationship with you. He is only using you at this point for sex.

 

So it's safe to assume he only lied to me about finally wanting to be with me? I know I have to let it go. Maybe one day I'll get real closure. I doubt he will try to contact me anytime soon, if at all.

[SweetCharity]

Well, I won't state the obvious and get into how awful and dysfunctional that "relationship" was. What I will say is that you need to erase him completely from your life. Make the decision to never talk to him again. Go blackout, midnight, pitch black. Change your number if you have to. Get rid of pictures, mix cds, etc anything that reminds you of him. Delete his contact info. Holding on to physical reminders makes it harder to detach from him.

 

Don't pursue him looking for closure, it just isn't a good idea. At best, he'll keep ignoring you. At worst, he'll sweet talk you into sleeping with him again (which wouldn't be difficult considering how emotionally vulnerable you are right now). And the cycle will begin again. How much longer are you going to let this guy wreck havoc on your emotions and self-esteem?

 

You might want to call him every name in the book, but silence can be a very profound statement. If he contacts you again, whether it's tomorrow or a month from now, don't acknowledge him. Delete the text, ignore the call, and don't listen to voice messages that he leaves. Think of all the hurtful things he did to you, and use that as fuel for your resolve. I know it's feels really bad right now, but trust me, it gets better.

 

Thank you. Yeah, the first time he disappeared he didn't expect me to contact him back. I just hold on to my hurt for a long time. I heal better if I get closure. I have dealt with worse men and was able to move on better if I had that last talk. But you're right. The possibility of him sweet talking me is very real. He's done it many times. Right now I don't know if he'll ever speak to me again.

[Kizza]

You were a game. Something to conquer. He did. Stop satisfying him. Go silent. Move on. Be thankful you did not wind up in a relationship with a narcissist. Pity any woman he is currently with right now because he is doing the same thing to her. This guy was never in to you from the very start.

 

I was in this situation recently. I know how awful it feels. You feel like a loser right now. The only way you will win is to remove yourself from him, go out and be awesome. Focus all your energy on being awesome, doing things that are good for you.

 

I know it is hard to start out with, it has been 4-5 weeks for me since my last contact with him and I feel better and better everyday, the more days I get away from the horrible experience the better. The more days between my life now and the life I had with him in it the happier I am and this can be the same for you too!

 

There is no point getting answers from him, they will not be straight answers... if he does answer you then guarantee it is because you caught him in a horny moment and he says to himself why not?

 

Stop being "that girl" today ... that is the first step on the path to awesomeness xxxx

 

and learn from your experience, trust me I have learned valuable lessons from mine. I will never conduct myself the way I did with him ever again because it left me feeling awful and with low self esteem....

 

power to you!! xx

[SweetCharity]

You are a clear case of "attracted to what you can't have." Figure that out and you'll have closure.

 

I disagree. I didn't like him at first but developed genuine feelings that never faded. When he finally said he wanted to be with me I wanted him all the more. It's not being attracted to what I can't have. Though clearly now I can never have him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You didn't like the guy, so he flipped you into liking him because he mentioned another girl and your little ego was like omg not going to happen so you suddenly and magically became sooo interested.

 

and then you sleep with him...and then he rejects you...... at that point you were just a conquest, because you were rejected him and now he's rejecting you.

 

There's no more to this story, stop acting like you're all hurt and emotional over this BS...it's just a game, get over it.

Edited September 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial commentary redacted.

[PlumPrincess]

So it's safe to assume he only lied to me about finally wanting to be with me? I know I have to let it go. Maybe one day I'll get real closure. I doubt he will try to contact me anytime soon, if at all.

I think he really liked you in the beginning, but you were not interested. As soon as he mentioned another girl, it became an ego thing and you liked him back. He might have been very, very interested in you in the beginning, but he is still not a guy who will lose himself in a girl and he was probably aware that your raised interest had something to do with the other girl. So when you started throwing yourself at him, he became wary. He is probably also one of the many guys who like to chase and when the fleeing prey suddenly turns around and lays herself in front of the hunter, it's just boring. Also you started behaving like a very needy person who was in no control of her temper. That is very off-putting and an instant attraction killer. I guess, he did want to give you a second try and you blew up it up with your temper tantrums. Him standing you up might have been a sh*t test to see how you would react and you failed. People will only treat you better when you demand it, which you don't do by making threats or whining or crying, but by being firm and nice. I have a co-worker who gives people a 5 minute allowance for appointments. After that she just cancels the meeting. Pretty strict rule, but hey, it works.

[giblesp]

This encounter was doomed from that first moment you decided it was not happening. You know now to fully your gut instinct about these things.

 

How to end it? You just do it. Meet and say it's over. Sexual relationships demand responsobility and meeting the person you have sex with to straighten things out and end things, can unfortunately be one of them.

[crederer]

I think he really liked you in the beginning, but you were not interested. As soon as he mentioned another girl, it became an ego thing and you liked him back. He might have been very, very interested in you in the beginning, but he is still not a guy who will lose himself in a girl and he was probably aware that your raised interest had something to do with the other girl. So when you started throwing yourself at him, he became wary. He is probably also one of the many guys who like to chase and when the fleeing prey suddenly turns around and lays herself in front of the hunter, it's just boring. Also you started behaving like a very needy person who was in no control of her temper. That is very off-putting and an instant attraction killer. I guess, he did want to give you a second try and you blew up it up with your temper tantrums. Him standing you up might have been a sh*t test to see how you would react and you failed. People will only treat you better when you demand it, which you don't do by making threats or whining or crying, but by being firm and nice. I have a co-worker who gives people a 5 minute allowance for appointments. After that she just cancels the meeting. Pretty strict rule, but hey, it works.

 

I'd have to agree with this. He was probably hurt by your rejection a little bit too and figured he'd go for someone who wasn't disgusted with the way he kissed.

 

To me it sounds like you want something you can't have. If he never told you about sleeping with that other woman, I have a feeling you never would have gotten any feelings for him.

 

It's like when someone dumps their partner, then gets all upset when they find out they're ex found someone new.

[Leigh 87]

Another thing here - when he talks about wanting to date a girl and when he declines your offer at a party because he says he is more interested in dating someone else and only wants to be your friend??

 

That means he is NOT interested, and never will be; if he was, he would have probably given you a second chance after your initial rejection.

 

Please, next time, don't hold onto guys who tell you they just want sex and only want to be your friend.

 

And certainly NEVER believe them if they "change their minds":sick:

[mikei880]

OP, from what I read in the first 6 paragraphs you set yourself up to be a FWB. Evidently you wanted something more but he didn't. All indications were to run from this guy and you kept coming back! It seems he wasn't putting much effort in and you were throwing sex at him, what a great deal for him. I feel you need to reprogram your head to recognize in real time what is going on, what he or some other guy is telling you by words or actions. Use your head and heart together while in a relationship. Good luck!

[SweetCharity]

This poster is EXACTLY correct, even though you disagree.

...

Look, when someone tells you something you DON'T WANT TO HEAR, believe them.

 

He doesn't owe you "closure." You owe YOURSELF closure. Be mad at yourself for throwing yourself at this guy over and over when he'd clearly told you that he didn't have feelings for you.

 

Seriously. Reconcile this thing with yourself and learn a lesson from it.

 

Oh, don't worry. I am downright pissed at myself. But you're forgetting one thing. He did come back and pursued me. And he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. That's where I should have not believed him. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn't have trusted him but I did it anyway. So yes. I am very mad at myself. And you're absolutely right. I need to find closure on my own.

[SweetCharity]

Of course you disagree. If you agreed, you would have fixed this issue already. That is the beauty of a feedback -- and only works if you consider the possibility that you might be wrong. Obviously you are not seeing this but from where I am looking at it is a dictionary definition of a "I want what I can't have" case. So obvious actually that I am going to stop right here. Just go look it up.

 

Seriously, I'm still trying to work things out in my head. So excuse me for trying to have an honest discussion with you and offer rebuttals.

Edited September 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SweetCharity]

I think he really liked you in the beginning, but you were not interested. As soon as he mentioned another girl, it became an ego thing and you liked him back. He might have been very, very interested in you in the beginning, but he is still not a guy who will lose himself in a girl and he was probably aware that your raised interest had something to do with the other girl. So when you started throwing yourself at him, he became wary. He is probably also one of the many guys who like to chase and when the fleeing prey suddenly turns around and lays herself in front of the hunter, it's just boring. Also you started behaving like a very needy person who was in no control of her temper. That is very off-putting and an instant attraction killer. I guess, he did want to give you a second try and you blew up it up with your temper tantrums. Him standing you up might have been a sh*t test to see how you would react and you failed. People will only treat you better when you demand it, which you don't do by making threats or whining or crying, but by being firm and nice. I have a co-worker who gives people a 5 minute allowance for appointments. After that she just cancels the meeting. Pretty strict rule, but hey, it works.

 

You're right. I did try talking to him at first about my concerns in a mature and calm manner. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. But that last night was the third night that week that he had kept me waiting. When I have plans with anyone and they blatantly blow me off, something in me just snaps. I know it's something I need to work on. He didn't see me cry though. He only read the angry texts I sent. You're absolutely right. I need a better way to command respect.

[William]

OK, folks, let's dial back the rhetoric and personal editorializing and adhere to topic. Thanks.

[SweetCharity]

This has nothing to do with me feeling superior. Some situations are so clear, textbook so to speak, it doesn't take much discussion [for me]. If you care to check my posting history, you'll see I always try my best to offer an insightful perspective to help out [even if it means it is not what the OP wants to hear]. But honestly, you really do sound like you are a case of "you like what you can't have." I mean look at what you wrote? Your attraction increases every time he does something *opposite*. Anyway, I might be wrong as I am only going with the story you told us here [there might be more to that] but then again I might not be. I at least took the time to read your situation and offered my point of view. [i don't come here to feel superior. I came here for help, just like you] You don't have to fight with me. There is no point. If you strongly disagree and don't even want to consider that option [that obviously suggests self-analysis], that is your call. Good luck either way.

 

I'm not trying to fight you. I really have considered the possibility that I only want what I can't have, especially when we started hooking up. But I really had grown to care for this person. I had trusted him. We were friends for a while before we hooked up. And each time he hurt me I did my best to move on. I dated someone else. I stopped trying to contact him. And each time he would come back and would say,"I was wrong. I'm sorry. I really do like you. I've missed you." And yes, I was a moron for believing it. This all happened over the course of several months. Like you said I have left a lot of details out. It's impossible to state everything that happened. But yes I've considered the "wanting what I can't have" scenario. So you are right in some respects. And you are right that I can only find closure by myself. But I think it's more of him wanting what he can't have. He seemed to pursue me more when I was unavailable.

[SweetCharity]

I'd have to agree with this. He was probably hurt by your rejection a little bit too and figured he'd go for someone who wasn't disgusted with the way he kissed.

 

To me it sounds like you want something you can't have. If he never told you about sleeping with that other woman, I have a feeling you never would have gotten any feelings for him.

 

It's like when someone dumps their partner, then gets all upset when they find out they're ex found someone new.

 

I never said I was disgusted by the way he kissed. When that happened we were friends at the time, alone, drunk and sad over different reasons. He was sad because it was the anniversary of his brother dying. Next thing I knew he was crying. I felt close to him so we kissed. (And no, I didn't kiss him out of pity. It wasn't like that.) Then it was like a spell was broken and I flipped out because I was afraid to where it would lead. And I know that I was an absolute jerk because of it. I felt terrible for days. But I didn't push him away because I was disgusted by him. And yes, I have considered the possibility of wanting what I can't have.

[PlumPrincess]

I think you should be frank with him and tell him that you have personal issues with being too needy and too dependent on people and that being with him increases your problems. Therefore you would like to break it off in order to work on your issues. And do not treat this breakup as a way to get him to behave better or to re-ignite his feelings for you. This is not a tool for manipulation. Break up, because you need space for yourself to sort out this emotional mess. A friend of mine was in therapy once as an in-patient, because he suffered from depression. One rule was that the patients were not allowed to start romantic relationships during their therapy. They were supposed to concentrate on themselves. If you stay, you will have a very hard time working on your issues if he is around all the time. It's like being an alcoholic and working in a liquor store.

[SweetCharity]

I think you should be frank with him and tell him that you have personal issues with being too needy and too dependent on people and that being with him increases your problems. Therefore you would like to break it off in order to work on your issues. And do not treat this breakup as a way to get him to behave better or to re-ignite his feelings for you. This is not a tool for manipulation. Break up, because you need space for yourself to sort out this emotional mess. A friend of mine was in therapy once as an in-patient, because he suffered from depression. One rule was that the patients were not allowed to start romantic relationships during their therapy. They were supposed to concentrate on themselves. If you stay, you will have a very hard time working on your issues if he is around all the time. It's like being an alcoholic and working in a liquor store.

 

Thank you. You have very sound advice. I really do need to focus on myself. But also, there's no way I can tell him it's over because he refuses to talk to me. I'll probably see him at an upcoming party but he's ignored every form of communication I've sent him. This time he didn't even bother to delete me from facebook.

[SweetCharity]

He texted me last night saying he was sorry for the "other night."

 

His explanation was:

 

"After I got home I ended up going out with...the guys to [a bar]. I didn't have my phone on me and I was pretty drunk. When I saw my phone the next day, I kinda freaked out at how much you text and called me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I messed up."

 

As much as I wouldn't have liked to ignore him I couldn't bring myself to do it. We ended up having a face to face dialogue. But he had no excuse as to why he stood me up in the first place. He said he wanted to make it up to me and blah blah blah.

 

I told him I couldn't trust him anymore and that it would take a lot. I'm just not going to chase him anymore but if he really wants to pursue me he can. That I care a lot about him. And yes, I still want him even though it would be unwise to trust him.

 

Thank you everyone for the advice. I have to be strong now.