The end of the beginning? Is a second chance possible? Help DA!

[ladyinwaiting]

So I met this guy - seemed nice, funny, attractive enough. He came on strong - called often, wrote (email) more often, made me feel like a princess for a month.

 

We are both in our early 30s. I've ever been married. He is 3-years divorced - she left him - after a brief marriage. I was in a very serious relationship for 4-yrs (also ended 3 years ago) with a guy with a similar story - turned out to be a big commitment-phobe, so being divorced can be a red flag to me (I told the new guy this). I also told him I didn't date often and really have little experience with it at all. This didn't seem to bother him. From the moment we met, everything was about me - so it seemed. We live an hour from each other - he would come here to see me, and let me know in conversation how much he looked forward to seeing me, almost as if his interest was already stated and he wanted mine. It seemed I could do no wrong.

 

We only had 4 dates in total. After the third I may have messed up by asking him for a status (same page) report and telling him I was leery because I didn't really expect to end up liking him, but I actually did. I asked him about dating others, mostly because he could never ask me for a specific date/time for a next date, although he always asked to see me again. He said he was dating other people, but haven't taken any of the "relationships" to the "next level".... He still really wanted to see me again if I was okay with this; he told me some women are not and that is their choice. I was not (and am not) used to this type of dating perspective, since I have only dated one person at a time and most of my friends I've talked to have done the same. "Exclusivity" as a stage in a relatinship is not familiar to me, really, since I never really thought relationships could develop with other people involved. Anyway, I met him for lunch, discussed it somewhat (he brought it up), but I wasn't sure what to say or do, so I didn't do much yet, other than think about it...what I don't understand is how someone can come on SO STRONG, then tell me later that they have multiple relationships going on. Physically things didn't go as far as they could have, but far enough I would feel uncomfortable even kissing him knowing others could be doing the same (or more) a different day of the week. He claimed I was the only person he pursued - the others initiated things with him...does that change things?

 

I talked with a girlfriend that night who convinced me he was just a player, so the next day I sent him a harsh email breaking it off. I apologized later - via email - and told him I still wasn't comfortable, and asked if we could be friends. This one he responded to - coldly - restating his position about "exclusivity", etc... I then was starting to understand his perspective (not sure I do, but find in these forums that he's not necessarily wrong, just different from what I am used to), and realized I may have messed up. I wrote back, asked if he might meet me for a drink and another shot at this (?). He declined due to other plans, but then said maybe time he's in my area he would call me to have lunch as a "friend" (the second time he used that word in quotes since I first used it to him). I wrote back one more time, trying to be cordial and accepting of this "defeat" and again stated I was really sorry for over-reacting and taking some bad advice. I didn't really accept this as a final end to such a short romance, so two days later I called and left a message asking him to return the call (the first time I ever called him - he knew I didn't prefer to call men). He never called back. This was almost a month ago. Is there any chance he will call again?

 

My friends say to move on - he's obviously not ready for a relationship. I know I am, or at least a monogamous dating relationship, even taking it slow (how can you think about more than one person at a time?). Obviously I can't do any more, other than hope he'll call. Why would he even mention calling me for lunch sometime if he has no intention to do so? Or, am I hanging onto this for at least some hope? I don't even know what I would say or do if he did call!?! Is there such thing as "no contact" (him with me) when people are so early into something (a month), or does a difference in perspective at this point pretty much mean the end of the beginning? My friends say that if he were truly interested in me, he wouldn't have dropped me so fast - perhaps he already found a new girl or two (?). I am just really disappointed because I had already started to fall a little further - and faster - than I ever expected. Thoughts?

 

Thanks for anything - peace of mind, at the least.

 

- Lady

[tropical dreamz]

All your feeling are perfectly normal. You did develop feelings for him and were dissappointed when he told you he dated other people too. I would be upset kissing somebody then wondering who kissed them earlier.It is not normal to date more then one person at a time and like your friends said, if this is the case he is a player. He should understand why this upset you and accept your email apology. If not then I would move on and, he obviously is not ready to take things to another level anddoesnt deserve you.

[chicasha]

i know that feeling...i'm in almost the same position (u can read any of my previous threads..all the info is in there..).

I have this sinking almost sick feeling in my stomach ....as I'm also waiting for a phone-call from 'my' guy. I feel that things never

work out for me....i'm always the one that guy like to be interested in for a short period of time...and then when they realize

i'm not in it for the sex, and I want a genuine relationship (monogamous also!!), they just get scared and run off!!

this time...i didn't think i had a 'runner'...cos he seemed pretty stable and mature.

 

I'm at the point where its hard to trust guys intentions in general now. Even the nice ones run like hell when they realize that everything they did to pursue you in the beginning actually worked (guy meets girl...girl's hesitant..guy pursues girl...girl's still hesitant, but starting to enjoy this....guy continues pursuing girl...now girl really likes guy...guy pulls back...girl wonders why and starts pursuing him...guy shuts down or runs...girl's left wondering what the heck happened).

 

i'm sorry...but what the heck DOES happen when guys do this?! makes no sense. guys don't make any sense. they love to chase what they want, and when they finally get it, they run the other way.

stupid.

 

I dunno.....I really hope 'my' guy writes back and feel the same way about me.......if not i'd be really sad . Buttt..i just don't know.

 

I don't know if I have advice for you, since I'm in the same position as you....but we can gripe about it together if you want ;-)

 

At this pont...i'll keep my fingers crossed for both of us!!

[clia]

Alright. First off,

 

It is not normal to date more then one person at a time and like your friends said, if this is the case he is a player.

 

This is totally inaccurate. I don't know anyone in their late twenties, early thirties and beyond who immediately assumes exclusivity when they meet someone. Everyone I know multiple dates until the "cream rises to the top," so to speak. Because someone is multiple dating does not mean they are a player in any way, shape, or form. People have lives before they meet new people. Those lives do not magically stop when they meet someone new.

 

We only had 4 dates in total. After the third I may have messed up by asking him for a status (same page) report and telling him I was leery because I didn't really expect to end up liking him, but I actually did.

 

For future reference, date 3 is way too soon for any sort of intentions talk. Way too soon. I'm not surprised that he flipped out.

 

He claimed I was the only person he pursued - the others initiated things with him...does that change things?

 

Yes. Big time. What you should have done was not mentioned anything, let him continue to pursue you, and eventually all those other women would've fallen by the wayside once he determined in his own time that you were the only one he wanted to be with.

 

My friends say to move on - he's obviously not ready for a relationship.

 

Not true at all. You only had four dates -- IMO he was still feeling out the waters.

 

Is there such thing as "no contact" (him with me) when people are so early into something (a month), or does a difference in perspective at this point pretty much mean the end of the beginning?

 

I really don't think you can do a "no contact" after four dates. That's still the introductory, "do I like this person" period. Although there may be some emotional involvement, connection, dependence, etc., it's not the same as a longer, established relationship.

 

My friends say that if he were truly interested in me, he wouldn't have dropped me so fast - perhaps he already found a new girl or two (?).

 

I don't agree with this either. You pressed him for exclusivity very, very early on, and then sent hin a harsh e-mail "breaking it off." (Breaking what off?) He freaked. Normal behavior.

 

Just wait and see if he calls -- he might -- he might not. But if he does, I wouldn't even mention all this if I were you. I would just go out with him, have a great time, be light, breezy, and fun. These kind of talks are way too much for an early relationship to bear.

[chicasha]

Clia...good points. U've read and responded to my own posts....i guess the same sorta thing happened to me.

I didn't ask for exclusivity though..i just asked if he was interested in me or not (couldn't read his mind too well..).

 

But..i guess I will also wait...and see if he calls. Its been a couple days....still no call.

 

I'm also not that good at dating.......i don't like dating around...so, not that experienced. Some people just arent'...dating around is not for me

[Ladyinwaiting]

Dear Everyone,

 

Thanks for the thoughts. Nope - haven't heard from him yet, if you're wondering. Just out of curiousity, how long do you think would have to pass before I would PROBABLY hear from him if he was to call at all? I know nobody has a crystal ball (at least an accurate one), but I still have some hope (?). Maybe after the golf season ends and snow falls again (?).

 

Clia, your advice - in my case and others - that I've read to-date is sound, however... (and this is a question to all): if someone ISN'T used to multiple dating and the other person IS - is that a setup for disaster? (as in my case). I know its best to assume the other person is dating other people (learned that lesson as a result of this), but its really hard for me to feel open towards another person given this information. Does this make sense? When I mentioned reading the forums for advice, obviously this was after-the-fact. That's why I wrote in the voice I did - uncertainty and regret - I KNOW I messed up. Do you think the second email asking to be "friends" made things worse ("friend" often as a negative connotation). Do you think I was right in sending the last email, the sincere, dignified apology? If he ever thinks about me (what are the chances of this?), I would rather it be as the fun girl he met and briefly dated instead of the overreacting psycho he could assume me to be (I wasn't THAT bad - just a little bitchy)...do men ever reconsider and give second chances in the "getting to know you" stage?

 

I know I can't hold onto the hope he'll call and the words of his last note..."thanks for the offer to meet for a drink, but I am unavailable tonight. At this time I am not interested in such a thing to be of a romantic flavor, but a meeting with a "friend"; maybe sometime I am in (name of my city) I will call you for conversation over lunch or to work on your golf swing. Take care, (my name)." Sounds final, doesn't it? A person could easily hang from a thread of hope by focusing on the words "at this time" versus "not interested...romantic flavor" (which pretty much eliminates the hope). I am trying not to go there, but its easy to fixate. Now that I've given you the direct quote, am I crazy to hope he'll call?

 

So, back to the "exclusivity" debate...in attempting to learn, understand, appreciate and possibly even APPLY this strategy to my future dating life...how many people is typical to date at once? Where to the physical boundaries lie? If you know the other person is probably assuming exclusivity (as I did and he probably knew this since I hadn't dated at all in the past few months, which he knew), when would you tell that person to avoid such a scenario? - or wouldn't you? Again, information ahead of time is good, so please provide.

 

Again, if nothing else, it helps to "talk" about this (or "type" and "read" about this). Thanks again, everyone, and if some other thoughts hit you, please share.

 

- Lady