so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Had a good second date, a 3 course dinner with wine etc. I have an issue with kissing in public. He has forced me to do so a few times and I am very uncomfortable with it. He also insisted on prolonging the date by staying in a hotel near my house. I did not want this. Luckily there was not any rooms available. Since this he has been offhand. I find this behaviour rude. I like my space. Apart from the PDAs i liked him. I have had one sms only. Do I wait it out?
Author so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 He wanted to get a hotel room so we could spend a further evening together. He knew it would be a few hours, not me staying overnight. I did not want to spend another evening with him so soon. One text today saying good morning since this situation yesterday. I want to see him again but not beg. He was contacting me all day before this.
almond Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 You have your boundaries, and this is okay. I think that you need to lay these out for him clearly, and express that you are uncomfortable with him trying to push them. It is early days. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with PDAs, and you have every right not to want to go to a hotel room with this man. You say you are lucky that there were no rooms available - it shouldn't get to this point. If this bothers you enough to make a thread about it after the fact, then you need to speak up at the time! He needs to respect your boundaries, and you need to make sure he is aware of them. 3
carhill Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Do I wait it out? IMO, I'd continue accepting date offers from other gentlemen. Your 'style' of interaction is just as valid as anyone else's; in today's dating environment it might be considered 'conservative' and thus narrow your dating pool but that's OK. With the right person things will flow and you won't feel uncomfortable. Also, and this goes for aspects of dating beyond what you've shared, communication is key. Neither men nor women are mind readers. Again, the right person for you will be open to clear communication of your preferences and comfort zone. Your job is communicate those aspects. Good luck.
Author so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks. I called him yearerday and we spoke briefly but he was at his friends place, he said he would call back but did not. I then received the good morning text today. Is it for me to contact him now? He is laid back and i like things structured. How do i communicate if all i am getting is a good morning text?
almond Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Do what you feel like doing, and communicate (within reason) however you like. If he is not a match for you, it will not work for him. If he is, then it will be fine. Don't over think things - if you want to call him to speak to him, then do it, as long as you're not hounding him 24/7. 2
Author so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks .. I may sms him and ask how his day is going? I do not want to attack him..
carhill Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 IMO, relationship/boundary/preference 'talk' should be conducted face to face. If your last contact was open-ended, meaning anything other than 'don't ever contact me again', and he's interested, he'll call you or text, if that is customary in your demographic. I'd leave it alone for now and remain open to the courtship of others, or him, as things work out. 1
Treasa Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I also vote for leaving it alone. He did some things you weren't comfortable with, you let him know, and then he started sulking and seems like he's trying to punish you. If you contact him, you're going to show him that it's pretty easy to manipulate you into dropping your boundaries to make him happy. Start seeing other men. You only saw this guy twice. It won't be a huge loss. 3
soccerrprp Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I also vote for leaving it alone. He did some things you weren't comfortable with, you let him know, and then he started sulking and seems like he's trying to punish you. If you contact him, you're going to show him that it's pretty easy to manipulate you into dropping your boundaries to make him happy. Start seeing other men. You only saw this guy twice. It won't be a huge loss. He's pushy and sorry, but his trying to get a hotel nearby you was just too creepy and singularly-minded (wanted sex). You find him rude. These are warning signs! Let him do more than say good morning. Continue dating and see if he makes more of an effort than "good morning."
Author so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks. I needed to hear this. He keeps saying he does not want sex, and its more about how he grabbed my arm on a street and made me kiss him. My upbringing was strict, i have not lived with a man etc. He paid for dinner and a cab. I felt angry, now i feel sad.
Author so gutted Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 No reply, very sad. I can see he is online. He did mention his ex was possesive, i do not want to appear this way. So many unanswered questions. He talked of future stuff, his birthday, places we will go, how can all of this change overnight?
almond Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 So many unanswered questions. He talked of future stuff, his birthday, places we will go, how can all of this change overnight? You're asking the wrong question - it wasn't there in the first place. What you should be wondering, is how can this all develop in any real sense after only two dates? It doesn't. It was smooth talk. He wanted something, and he didn't get it. He was not respectful towards you. You are not compatible. Move on. 1
Author so gutted Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Well he did text again saying good morning, i hope you have a lovely day etc. Its still contact..
Author so gutted Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Had an afternoon text, and A call this evening. I let the call go to voicemail. How long do i leave it before returning call. He acted normal in the message.
clia Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Had an afternoon text, and A call this evening. I let the call go to voicemail. How long do i leave it before returning call. He acted normal in the message. I thought you liked him? Why are you playing games? Why did you let the call go to voicemail? Call him back whenever you have five minutes to talk to him.
Treasa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Contact him back if and when you want to date him. Otherwise, send him a short text telling him that you don't appreciate his forwardness and sulking and that you don't want to see him anymore. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Some people love public displays of affection. Others don't. If you do not like it, and you are dating a person who DOES like showing you affection in public, you can either: - tell them to tone it down, because you're uncomfortable with it. But DO make sure to explain that it is just how you are with every one you date, and it is definitely not just HIM you feel this way about. - stop dating him and find a more combatable guy to date. Do something about it if you don't like something. I love displays of affection in public as does my guy so we have the opposite problem; after kissing a lot in front of people I sometimes worry that it makes OTHERS uncomfortable:o Have you been through anything in your life that has made you this way? You sound like you generally don't feel quiet right with any guys that you date.... I also once felt the same, hence why I did not date until I was 24. Now I feel comfortable around men again. Anyway, I hope you pick either one of those options I suggested. You have no other choice really, but to come on here and write about your problems with this guy.
FitChick Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You don't sound compatible. He wanted a hotel room to "talk?" What's wrong with a bar or cocktail lounge? Do you belong to a church? That sounds like a place to meet men who would be more like you.
Keenly Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Okay, so the number one thing I noticed right away is the part where you talked about how you did NOT want to get a room, but you said you " got lucky " that there were no rooms. My concern is.... why the hell did it get to the point where rooms were inquired about at the front desk without you putting your foot down and making it forcefully known that you didn't want it, it was not happening, that you wanted to go home now and that you would call him later. Holy uncomfortable situation Batman. The question is, are you a passive wallflower that doesn't speak your mind when you need to OR did you make your thoughts known and he kept pushing it and pushing it? 3
mario_C Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 That's an interesting perspective on PDofA, that a partner is basically showing off his* "prize" and asserting dominance. It's obnoxious and not OK to make passers-by uncomfortable with that display, especially lonely people just not nice. *could be her "prize" too?
Author so gutted Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Thanks so much. Ok we met again and had a nice long romantic date - with no PDAs. I did not get heavy. We talked about kids marriage ( in a general sense). It went well. We did not discuss the quiet sulky period. He does not know i am 2.5 years older then him. Its important because my childbearing years are dwindling. For once, I am dating, assessing but not overbearing him. We met online and i put a younger age. Everything else was true.
todreaminblue Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 if you feel forced ro uncomfortable.....give him that chance to not make you feel that way he cannot read your mind....shoudl be able to pick up cues......but if he cant...tell him by saying you prefer if he didnt do it...it makes you uncomfortable.....and if he backs off.....then he respects you...all is good.deb
NYC-BigKat Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 He wanted to get a hotel room so we could spend a further evening together. He knew it would be a few hours, not me staying overnight. I did not want to spend another evening with him so soon. One text today saying good morning since this situation yesterday. I want to see him again but not beg. He was contacting me all day before this. He sounds like he really really loves u. why don't u love him back? Is he not your type or something? Is he a really really nice guy?
Author so gutted Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I am like this because i had a conservative upbringing. Pdas are usually not am issue. This guy says he likes me very much, he is not after sex.. He is courting me, paying for everything and not making a point of it. I like him but i need to relax. He should not be my focal point.
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