hopefulinlove Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Hi guys, just looking for a little advice really... I started dating my boyfriend in February - he broke up with his 3.5 year long ex girlfriend in January to be with me. I am aware they were long distance for about 1.5 years of this, and this is a huge reason why he said he fell out of love and lost feelings for her. Anyway I was on his laptop the other day and on his facebook. I came across his activity log and found out he had searched his ex's profile several times the last couple weeks, and also several more times since they broke up. What I don't understand and what bothers me is that they are not facebook friends and they are not in contact - why is he searching for her when there is nothing to see? Am I overreacting or is there more to this? Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Over reacting to me, then again, I look at ex's profiles all the time. Even my ex husband, I am just a curious person like that, I can tell you I have no feelings what-so-ever. Course, then again, I also didn't go straight from one LTR into another. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 There are 2 points I want to make: 1) He's not over her if he's still interested in what she's doing. Distance doesn't mean falling out of love... I am in a LDR and have spent a lot of time in the subforum. Many people who are in relationships like this actually fall deeper in love, but just can't handle the fact that they can't be together right now. 2) There's a huge trust issue. I won't say I'm the most active FB'er, but I use it sometimes. I probably log on once every few days or maybe once a day through my phone. I wouldn't know where to find the activity log... so you can be honest that there's a doubt in your relationship and you don't trust him. Unfortunately, your snooping showed something you don't want to see. Are you 100% sure they are no longer in contact? Overreacting? Maybe. But there's also a chance he's just not over her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 He isn't in contact with her no, he mentioned how she'd text him a couple times and he just ignored them because he thought it was best for her to get over him. He also recently deleted photos of himself with her on his profile pictures. I suppose the trust issues come from the circumstance of the breakup - the fact he gave himself no time to get over her but I believe him when he says he was over her before it ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 He isn't in contact with her no, he mentioned how she'd text him a couple times and he just ignored them because he thought it was best for her to get over him. He also recently deleted photos of himself with her on his profile pictures. I suppose the trust issues come from the circumstance of the breakup - the fact he gave himself no time to get over her but I believe him when he says he was over her before it ended. Need a bit more than this...... How long were they friends before their relationship? Did they know eachother from high school or college? How many common friends do they have?Was it just an online relationship? I am one to beleive BF and gf can end a relationship and just be friends. You seemed to start a relationship with him too soon after a breakup given the time this past relationship was. Its is very possible he is "comparing notes" between you and ex and having doubts about you and realizes he misses his ex. Especially if this was broken up by him and the reasons had nothing to do with the relationship and just the distance.If she moved back to the same town as him would he end it with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't know how long they were friends before... we never talked about that. They met while he was leaving school and she was still there, they only went long distance when she (his ex) moved away for college. But as far as I know she would go home to see him every couple weeks. I don't know about their mutual friends but I know his family really loved her and weren't happy to hear about them and then me. It has settled more now though as his ex is no longer in contact with the family. He did end it yes, he started work and things changed for him. I suppose he outgrew her or so I thought. We only started the relationship so soon because it is what we both wanted. I think she, along with most others, are home now on holiday from college. He hasn't tried to see or contact her so I doubt he would leave me to be with her again. He made it clear to me he no longer loved her. I am just curious why he is searching for her if all this is true and there is nothing to see Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Hi guys, just looking for a little advice really... I started dating my boyfriend in February - he broke up with his 3.5 year long ex girlfriend in January to be with me. I am aware they were long distance for about 1.5 years of this, and this is a huge reason why he said he fell out of love and lost feelings for her. Anyway I was on his laptop the other day and on his facebook. I came across his activity log and found out he had searched his ex's profile several times the last couple weeks, and also several more times since they broke up. What I don't understand and what bothers me is that they are not facebook friends and they are not in contact - why is he searching for her when there is nothing to see? Am I overreacting or is there more to this? It is strange that, if he really lost his feelings for her, he's looking at her profile-even if he can't see much of anything. Somehow, I doubt he's entirely over her. He might not want to be with her, but perhaps he's hoping to find something out, no matter how futile. It's very likely that he doesn't really know why he's looking at her FB, himself. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't think there is anything odd about looking at an ex's profile once in a while just to see what is going on. I do, however, think there is something odd about looking through your bf's activity log to check up on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Huge red flag that he dumped his ex girlfriend to be with you. I was that girl. My ex dumped HIS girlfriend at the time to be with me, and it was the biggest mistake of my life being with him. He turned around and pulled the same stunt with me. A guy who is going to leave a girlfriend for the other woman, will leave the other woman for someone else as well. He also didn't even take time to process the end of the relationship. He went from one LTR to dating you the next month. Another red flag. He's a jumper. It doesn't matter what he's saying; "I was over her before I ended it." "I fell out of love because we were in a LDR" at the end of the day he still spent close to four years with her. There is history there. History that does NOT go away just because he moved on with you. My ex started doing these things too. He was checking in on her. Then they started talking via text. Then they hung out. Then he cheated on me with her. He never closed the door with his ex before jumping to date you and I think the fact he's looking her up, is huge here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 I can see your point, but she has tried to contact him since they broke up and he's had no interest in replying to her. And surely if he wasn't over her, he wouldn't be with me over her? Link to post Share on other sites
Ed the 3rd Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Its normal to want to just see whats going on. What isn't normal is how he just ditched her to be with you. People should know better then to trust a person who does that. The second someone "better" comes along you will be ditched too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lop98 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Personally, and excuse me to be this frank but I think it's unlikely that he's moved on from her. The relationship lasted over 3 years and what ultimately finished with it was the distance, which is frustration, the inability to do what you want to do with your partner... they wanted more and couldn't get it (not necessarily stopped wanting it), that's how distance works, so they're trying to move on. LDRs are so draining that the moment you're out of it, you go with the first person that can give you what you wanted so badly, and you want it now and you will say anything just to have it and keep it. Frustration is a bitch. Having experienced a LDR, I rebounded a few weeks later and have not discussed anything about my ex with my new partner, I'll go to great lengths to avoid discussing my past because it hurts, but you can also do like my ex, who in order to convince his new gf made me out to be a liar and like he was sick of me (I received "hellos" weekly around that same time- never replied)... to this day he still stalks me in another site. None of us have succeeded at moving on, but I for one have stuck with my current boyfriend because he's amazing and he's my reality... I cannot be in a long distance relationship with my ex or anyone, we've hurt each other so much and it wouldn't work now or next year, but it doesn't mean I've moved on, and I think my ex has been going through the same unfortunately. I wouldn't make a big deal, just take it slowly for your own good cause it may or may not fade. And no, for me it isn't normal to check up on exes when you're in a relationship, especially in the first months with someone new, I couldn't care less what they're up to. I usually end up wandering around their social media if I have insomnia, once I've ran out of youtube ideas and stalking people that are still in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't think there is anything odd about looking at an ex's profile once in a while just to see what is going on. I do, however, think there is something odd about looking through your bf's activity log to check up on him. I agree with your first statement, I'd want more information before I decided about your second statement. So OP, give us more details of how you two came about..also how can you see how often someone's searched for someone on facebook? Did you just look at browser history and see that he had been on her profile each day? Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I can see your point, but she has tried to contact him since they broke up and he's had no interest in replying to her. And surely if he wasn't over her, he wouldn't be with me over her? Not even remotely true at all. A guy like this tends to lie to himself. He can only lie so long. My ex pulled the same thing. He wasn't in love with her, he wanted to end it for such a long time, he wasn't happy. He didn't want to reach out to her either. After the initial feelings wore off of being with me, his thoughts started wandering right back to his ex. He realized he never really had closure with her, and it's why he did the things he did. Talking to her, looking her up, and subsequently cheating on me with her and then being "confused" as to which girl he wanted. My ex wasn't over his ex at all. He still dated me. One thing does not equal the other here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I can see your point, but she has tried to contact him since they broke up and he's had no interest in replying to her. And surely if he wasn't over her, he wouldn't be with me over her? False assumptions. People aren't rational. He was probably bored in his relationship, you looked exciting so he jumped in with you. Once the infatuation with you wears off, he is starting to think about whether he made the right decision. So hence why he is looking at his ex profile. This is just a theory by the way. My point is you cant assume that the act of being with YOU means he is over HER. I wouldnt worry too much about the FB. Frankly I'd be concerned he left a woman for you and only one month to process the end of a relationship. Sounds like he either is afraid of being alone and you're the rebound. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 How often does he creep her up. Once in a few weeks is more than normal. It's just curiosity of where has life taken them. If he is creeping her up every other day or so, I would be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) In answer to your question, we met at work in September. We spent a lot of time together and that's how our feelings developed for one another. We found out we liked each other and so he left his girlfriend, who would have taken him back, to be with me. I think he could have her if he wanted her, and if he is still not over her or caught up over the break up, he would be with her. He wanted to be with me over her but I just find it so strange after this time (almost 6 months) he is still checking up on her. I looked for the first time the other day - he searched for her almost every day during the first few weeks of their break up. It stopped for a few months until about a fortnight ago, where I have seen he is searching for her again every 2/3 days. In fact it seems to be pretty much whenever he logs on facebook or when he's not spending the evening with me. All he can see on her profile is her picture and a couple posts she has tagged their mutual friends in over several months. Do you honestly feel due to the way things ended, that even though he appears to be really happy with me and he chose to be with me, deep down he isn't over her because they were forced apart? (due to distance - even though it was his choice to end it because he wanted to be with me) Edited July 2, 2013 by hopefulinlove Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 There is no valid reason for him to be searching her every day within the weeks after the split, and then to start up again unless he still had feelings for her. He may very well think you're cool, a great girlfriend, and whatever else but a part of him is still very much with his ex. It's a classic rebound. He couldn't be with her, so he settled for "second best" if you will. He's still nostalgic for her, clearly misses her, wants to see what she's doing. It's not as if he looked out of curiosity as a one time thing and then moved on. He does it on a consistent and regular basis. This is huge. He didn't want a LDR so he's forced to settle for what is around him. I'm sure he does have feelings for you, but not enough for him to be focused on you and only YOU. But I'll just state again that it was a huge red flag that he left her for you. Huge. You shouldn't feel flattered that he chose you over her, or that he met you and dumped her after 4 years. It shows a weak character. And just as easily as he was able to throw away 4 years for someone he just met, he can do it to you. What if his ex suddenly moved to the area? Do you really trust he wouldn't then leave you for her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 You say he couldn't be with her, but he could be. She visited him every other week and according to him she was still very much into continuing the LDR. She is also only away for another year and then she returns within 20 minutes from where he lives. She is also around during holiday times which is pretty much 25% of the year. He had the choice to stay with her and he could have done so, quite easily Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 My read on the situation. (having been in a very similar one) It's perfectly normal that he was searching her up immediately after the break up. He just plainly missed her. It's not normal now however. My guess is he got used to being with you (aka. got too comfortable) and the initial infatuation is gone. I'd give him the gift of missing you more, so he misses YOU and not his EX. Cheers, Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 He wanted to be with me over her but I just find it so strange after this time (almost 6 months) he is still checking up on her. I looked for the first time the other day - he searched for her almost every day during the first few weeks of their break up. It stopped for a few months until about a fortnight ago, where I have seen he is searching for her again every 2/3 days. In fact it seems to be pretty much whenever he logs on facebook or when he's not spending the evening with me. How do you know he has been searching for her? Just curious Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 You say she "would have gladly taken him back". I think he's looking to explore that option right now. The whole thing about being involved with a guy while he still had a girlfriend - how do you deal with that? Link to post Share on other sites
lop98 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 so he left his girlfriend, who would have taken him back, to be with me. he could have her if he wanted her He wanted to be with me over her even though he appears to be really happy with me and he chose to be with me it was his choice to end it because he wanted to be with me He had the choice to stay with her and he could have done so, quite easily I don't mean to nitpick just because but I think you know what's going on more than you want to admit... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefulinlove Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 I know he searched for her on his activity log - there is an option to view 'only me' activity and it is in there. But he hasn't contacted her even though she has tried in the past, several times, to get in touch with him. He isn't even her friend now. Surely he would get in contact with her if he wanted to be with her? Although he hasn't told me about the searching for her on facebook thing, he has told me about when she has contacted him and I know for sure he hasn't replied. He said he didn't want her to get the wrong idea and he wanted her to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I know he searched for her on his activity log - there is an option to view 'only me' activity and it is in there. Holy cow, I had no idea that feature existed, but it does, just looked at who ive searched for recently Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts