Asking a bartender out

June 9, 2013

Hey guys and girls,

I bet this question has been asked here before, but I couldn't find anything when I ran a search.

I have recently been going to a pub near where I live, and there's this guy who works at the bar that I really fancy.... Until yesterday, I was too intimidated to even talk to him other than ordering drinks from him.. last night, I said, **** it, I will just talk to him. So I start the conversation off by, well, asking if he wants to have a shot with me. So he says, sure, why not? So we have shots, and I take the opportunity to introduce myself, and he does the same. And we chit-chat a little bit (it was a busy night so it was a few words here and there, since he had to serve other people). Anyway, I asked where he was from, etc. , and he did the same. And then, half an hour later, he poured 2 shots of the same thing I had ordered earlier for us both, and he pushed one towards me.. I was pleasantly surprised... so we toasted and drank the shot. I said thank you that was really nice of you.

Now, I do not know how bar etiquette works, and this is the first time ever I buy a bartender a drink... so I don't know if this is routine for them or if there was more to it than that... Maybe some bars have an allotted quota for employees to give out free drinks... if it doesn't, then I guess the bartender would have to pay out of pocket? If the latter, he must've liked me a lot. But anyway, I can't tell what the pub's policy is, but given that I've never seen a bartender give out free drinks for a patron, I am assuming it is NOT bar policy to allow bartenders to offer free drinks, at least at this pub.. In fact, I have never seen this happen at any of the other bars in my town that I've been to..

I know it's a tough one to pick up a bartender, so I don't want to read too much into it.. I know that it's their job to be friendly, in order to keep customers happy, and get them to come back..

An hour and a half after he gave me that free shot, I asked if he wanted to have another shot with me. And he said that he had just had dinner so maybe later.. but asked if I wanted to have a shot by myself anyway. I said no it's ok. We didn't talk much after that, because I was a bit disappointed, and he was busy.. And I didn't really know what else to say anyway... It's hard for me to keep small talk going. It didn't help that it was an extremely busy night, and there were people around me -- i've been there before on quiet nights and the bartenders were bored out of their minds, so that would've been a better time to strike a conversation, I am sure.. When I was leaving, I said goodbye to the people next to me (who had chatted with me for a little while), and he was a bit busy doing something, but when he realized I was leaving, he smiled really big at me, and said, "goodnight (my name here), see you soon!"

Anyway, I want to ask him out.. but I don't know how to. Usually, it goes the other way around: men who want to pick up female bartenders.. I am sure that even if he were interested, he wouldn't make the move, given that he is on the job.. but I really want to give this a shot.. but just don't know how to... I was considering something along the lines of : "hey, i was wondering if you want to grab a coffee or dinner some time?" Is that too forward? I am usually very subtle, and leave the ball in the other person's court, but I really want to play the ball myself this time, and not leave it in his court -- I want to make sure he understands what I am going for...

Any suggestions as to how to go about this? Keep in mind, I'm a woman, and I have had very little experience approaching men -- usually I let the man approach me.. i am more of a shy/reserved person, though I have been trying to get out of that mindset.. I have made a lot of progress in the past 6 months , been more proactive, I guess.. I wouldn't have imagined buying a hot bartender a drink, a few months ago...

June 9, 2013

Anyways guys that tend bar are overly friendly/flirty as part of their job you're probably just drunk and reading into things way too much.

Also bartenders at bars where I go say 'Goodnight (HPPR) see you tomorrow!' that is just politeness.

Edited June 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 9, 2013

Um, what does my username have anything to do with asking out a bartender? I don't get it. Are you implying that bartenders are jerks? It's just a job -- it says nothing about people's personality or character traits...

Also, I was not drunk at all, especially while I was still talking with him and ordered the shots... I had only had one beer at that point, and I DO drink a lot, and so have a very high tolerance level for alcohol. And I rarely lose control of myself when drunk. In fact, after having about 6 rums, a bunch of shots, and beers, I walked myself home. I know self-control. In fact, there were some girls across from me, that were acting like desperate whores and trying to get his attention, and he was telling this bar girl, "why did I give them my name? WHY? :("

This is also a bar that is not really that sort of bar where bartenders are flirty.. it's more of an oldfashioned pub, and I have never seen bartenders flirt.. though yes, they are quite friendly -- that is why I go there, they're the friendliest bartenders I've met. They make you feel welcome, that is what I mean by friendly. They don't necessarily talk that much with people sitting at the bar, unless you talk to them first..

And I don't know where you live, but in my city, bartenders do not say "goodnight (name), see you soon!" to people, unless they have been going there every day for years.. In my years of going to bars in this city, I have not had any bartender say that to me.. not even girls..

June 9, 2013

I've not done it, but a method I've heard of is writing your number on a napkin before you give it to him.

June 9, 2013

ah yeah, that one... i hadn't thought of it.. but probably because it might look more desperate / sleazy? I don't know. I guess I don't have that sort of confidence, or am sort of more of a person that doesn't like losing control -- I like confronting people/things head-on.. I think I'd rather do it by directly saying something to him, and let him know I am not just looking for a one-off sex thing (which putting my digits on a napkin gives an air of?).. I just don't know what the best thing to say is, without sounding too pushy/desperate.

June 9, 2013

While I feel it's quite difficult to ask out a female bartender, it seems the opposite for a male bartender.

I used to bartend at a restaurant which doesn't get nearly as flirty. Still, once I had a bachelorette party ask if I would come to their place after closing and serve them drinks shirtless (underwear only, I can't remember). If I wasn't a scared 21 y/o boy I would have done it. But a large group of attractive, flirty, drunk girls was more than I could handle at the time.

Still it was flattering. Guys appreciate attention too. Just visit when it's less busy and start a conversation. Find something in common then use it to ask him out...movies, karaoke, whatever.

June 9, 2013

LOL your username is 'No More Jerks' and you're asking out a bartender. Anyways guys that tend bar are overly friendly/flirty as part of their job you're probably just drunk and reading into things way too much.

Also bartenders at bars where I go say 'Goodnight (HPPR) see you tomorrow!' that is just politeness.

Bartenders are there to be friendly, courteous, kind and welcoming...at least the good ones. If you're nice to them they will typically reciprocate, especially with women. They get hit on a lot and they're used to making small talk with customers and just listening to them ramble on, it's part of the job.

I don't know where you're from either, but here in Los Angeles it's pretty much typical for bartenders to be sociable and friendly, and if they're really personable they're really going to rake in the tips. And that's what it's all about over here, tips = more money. The easy pu$$y from drunk whores is a bonus, and anyone else they may fancy...if they're the type.

As far as the free shots, is this your first bar? bartenders here can give you free drinks, is not that hard to do in most places unless they really run a tight ship but if they're the bartender themselves c'mon...I've been hooked up quite a bit through friends/acquaintances because we knew the bartenders/waitresses...I've even been hooked up by bartenders I didn't know personally but just had a good chat with.

You really have no relationship with this guy to go based off, so asking him out is basically going to make you look like another interested customer. If he's into it maybe he'll take you out a bit or what not, it depends, his interest will be questionable.

If you're really that interested, I'd suggest frequenting the bar more often and trying to make initiate more small talk and flirtation, pique his interest...on the slower days rather than directly asking him out...since you're kind of a lush anyway it wouldn't seem too out of place, but then again you got to realize what impression you may be making on him.

This is just one of those situations like a guy hitting on a waitress/barista..you just kind of good, unless you have a good indication or provoking flirtation that takes it down that path naturally. You can just outright ask him out, but if he rejects you, you're probably not going to want to show face there again for a bit out of embarrassment so I'd try to get some feedback before making that move...you already know where he works and what he does, so just try and get to know him...if he likes you, he'll ask you out some time.

Edited June 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 9, 2013

I've not done it, but a method I've heard of is writing your number on a napkin before you give it to him.

He'll think booty call...it's what I would be thinking.

June 9, 2013

well they have a bad name. and dating one is asking for drama.
girls will flirt with him, he may react some.way on it.
so you can change that

I asked out lots of bartenders a few yrs ago & got turned down by all so I dont recommend going for it but I guess its harder for guys .

June 9, 2013

The other day I was leaving a restaurant and when the hostess noticed I was leaving she cheerfully said "Bye see you next time!" I think we have a thing. Haha I had to say something like that.

Writing your name and number on a napkin and maybe a sweet little message like "call me xoxo" should be more than enough. If you want to approach it like a guy chasing a girl maybe you have a nice car you can offer to take him for a ride in when his shift ends?

I never asked a bartender out I don't think. I did date a waitress once. I just asked her for her number when I was leaving the restaurant. I also said a precise combination of words in unison with hand symbols I'm not at liberty to disclose.

Restaurants and pubs are different. I've been to enough pubs on a daily basis for the past 5 years to know what goes on in pubs in my city. Ditto for restaurants. I used to frequent this one pub (not the same pub this bartender works at) for a year, on an almost daily basis, and this one bar girl almost always was the one who served me, and she would say "see you soon!" when I left, but I had seen her every day for the past year, and we had chatted on and off while she served me. Other bartenders (both men and women) have NEVER talked to me, and NEVER said that sort of thing... It's the same in all pubs here. It's not a super friendly atmosphere where you can relax. It's what always bothered me, because not having a good social circle and friends who are willing to hang out or invite me to their events where I can meet new people, it's incredibly hard to meet people, for relationships or even for one night stands. I sat in a bar for a year on a daily basis, for hours, and no one even bothered talking to me. That's how dry and unfriendly pubs are here. For a while I gave up on the pub scene because of it, until one day I decided to give this pub another shot. And I liked it , because it was friendlier -- people who were drinking there were just more relaxed about it and talked to me. So now , that's the only pub I visit, unless I am going out with friends -- then it doesn't really matter. So yeah, the fact that he said that, with a big smile and what I THINK may have been a wink (I wasn't drunk at the time I was leaving -- I walked back home), made me wonder... Also, the free drinks policy-- as I stated, I do not know this pub's policy but I've seen people buy bartenders drinks, and the bartender did not reciprocate.. In fact, as I stated, I have NEVER seen a bartender (girl or girl) in that pub reciprocate that...

I am definitely not jumping to conclusions -- but I am analyzing/assessing my chances. I mean, I would like to date this guy (and see where it goes). He might be a complete jerk or totally incompatible but that's for us to find out... if he is interested that is.. also, i am not totally opposed to a one night stand, and it would not make things awkward for me.. in fact, I have been fairly relaxed on the issue of rejection lately. If he says no, then so what. I will not stop going to my favourite pub because of that, and miss meeting new and interesting people, just because of one sentence said in a respectful way..

June 9, 2013

I am definitely not jumping to conclusions -- but I am analyzing/assessing my chances. I mean, I would like to date this guy (and see where it goes). He might be a complete jerk or totally incompatible but that's for us to find out... if he is interested that is.. also, i am not totally opposed to a one night stand, and it would not make things awkward for me.. in fact, I have been fairly relaxed on the issue of rejection lately. If he says no, then so what. I will not stop going to my favourite pub because of that, and miss meeting new and interesting people, just because of one sentence said in a respectful way..

Then I see no reason not to just ask him, what is there to think about?

If you're open to a one night stand, then you've pretty much got nothing to lose or if you otherwise get rejected and you're that confident with yourself about it and have no qualms about returning and going on with your life. Personally I don't see that as strong flirtation or sign of interest, but you were there...maybe you "felt" something I'm not really seeing here and you're not really saying, It just sounds like you're into the guy to me so you're looking for a reason to think he feels the same.

If you're very good looking you'll at least very likely be able to get your foot in the door...then you can do the whole "see where it goes" type of thing after you've had sex...he'll either want something more or not from that point on, and that's if you are compatible.

You seem to be confident that his profession has nothing to do with his character, which I'm not saying it absolutely makes him a sleaze ball or a bad guy or player...I'm going off of what is generally seen here in the United States, but hey I guess you've got to put opinion to the test and your judgment of his character.

Try to find some common interest and then if there's something going on or what not in town, tell him "oh, we should get together and go"...from my personal experience that's how I've been more or less "asked out" before and it's subtle invitation and doesn't pose a lot of pressure on your end as it doesn't necessarily have to be taken as a "date". From there you can start talking and getting to know one another I suppose.

Personally however, If I'm really interested in someone I'm going to pursue them not play any tippy toe tactics or getting to know each other as friends first type of thing, I know If I'm interested.

I think it's unfortunate you don't have many methods to meet men, outside of their work and out of the realm of your normal daily life.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

June 9, 2013

I don't think guy bartenders get hit on nearly as much as women bartenders. I know a guy bartender and he is single and he seems pretty clueless about women so in his case I bet he would more than willing.

Unlike for guys a hot female bartender is pretty much a very unlikely chance you will get her number as a customer. I keep reminding myself that they are being paid to be nice to you. I did ask out a bartender once and turns out she was just fake flirting with me.

But as a self described Very hot woman as yourself (don't let it go to your head or anything) your chances are probably much higher than a guy trying to hook up with a female bartender.

June 10, 2013

Well, I went to the same bar, he was just friendly, and didn't try to start a conversation... but I did catch him looking at me quite a few times.. and he seemed a bit disappointed when I asked to pay, and he told me the guy sitting next to me (to whom I had been talking) had paid my bill already (unbeknownst to me)... But again, I might be reading too much into it. Well, I did try to be friendly and feel the air, and wanted to see where to go from there, and I just didn't feel the vibe, so I didn't say anything about going for a coffee or dinner some time, or exchanging numbers... and then that other guy (sitting next to me) got interested in me... Men who have the balls deserve my attention. Men who don't, well, their loss -- it's not like I didn't give him the opportunity to clearly show his interest.

June 10, 2013

I actually had a great night at the bar. This guy from the U.S started talking to me, and he seemed like a very intelligent and nice guy. We talked for 3 hours about random stuff, and it was never boring or awkward. We seemed to really click. Then some other guy started talking to us, so we couldn't really talk privately about ourselves, etc. And he had to leave early. But when leaving, he handed me a piece of paper (lol, he had written on the back of the bar bill )... It had his email and phone number on it. Man , this is such a huge ego boost... And I love the way he did it... :love::love: :o I'm going to call or text him tomorrow. (oh, and he settled my bill at the bar, without even telling me).

June 10, 2013

He'll think booty call...it's what I would be thinking.

Possible. I've not done it for a good reason. However, the OP is an adult woman, and I'm not here to judge her on her choices. She asked a question, I answered.

June 10, 2013

Picking up a bartender is easy as drinking a glass of water. Male bartenders bang their customers all the time.

The combination of alcohol, position of authority, pick-up environment, and a hesitancy to trust the other dudes at the bar, leads armies of women into the lap of Mr Bartender. They are the first tier beneficiaries of any bar as far as mating. By orders of magnitude compared to what the male customers are struggling to accomplish.

Keeping a bartender as a boyfriend is an entirely other story.

Edited June 10, 2013 by drr6

June 10, 2013

If a guy gave me his number, and I want to show him my interest, would I be chasing him too much if I said, thanks for covering my drinks, would you like to go to dinner some time? Should I let him ask me out? I am just worried he will think I am just friendly but not interested...

June 10, 2013

If a guy gave me his number, and I want to show him my interest, would I be chasing him too much if I said, thanks for covering my drinks, would you like to go to dinner some time? Should I let him ask me out? I am just worried he will think I am just friendly but not interested...

He gave you his number, the next move is yours. Go for it. That's how you show him that you're interested!

June 10, 2013

Well, I texted him a few hours ago, and said, "thanks for the drinks and the great company. Glad you gave me your number. It would be great to see you again. So... call me. " (he works all day long, and i have a more flexible schedule, so he'd have to be the one to call me, as I don't want to bother him when he is at work).

I didn't want to take the step and ask him out, especially so soon after he gave me his number, but I also made it clear that I was really interested, and that I was leaving the ball in his court..

He got back to me a few hours later, saying. "My pleasure. Will definitely give you a call this week. :)"

I am not liking the sound of this... not sure why. Can't really put my finger on it... but "this week" sounds too vague to me, and it makes it seem like he has a bunch of other numbers lined up... I can understand that he wouldn't ask me for a date tonight or even tomorrow, but I am hoping he realizes that if he wants to set up a date, he'd have to give me at least 2 days' notice?? Anyway... I may be overanalyzing yet again.. but i can't help but be hypervigilant given my experience with my ex. I am NOT going to chase after him. And at this point, I am not even sure if I should answer the phone when he does call. Again, maybe I am overreacting, but that was a bit of a let-down compared to the way he gave me his number last night..

June 10, 2013

Just so you're aware, people do the number on the napkin thing SO often. I'm sure this guy gets it all the time.

The point of being a bartender is to be very social, personable, spark up conversation with patrons, and have drinks with them. If you become a regular in a bar, it's guaranteed you will get drinks on the house, it's all bartender/drinker etiquette.

The more drinks you get, the higher the tip you're going to leave the bartender, so in the end it all really works out.

I don't see anything in this post that shows me he's into you on any level other than being the personable bartender to get his tips. I mean, you could always go for it, see what happens, but I wouldn't take his behavior to mean he's interested. To be a good bartender, you HAVE to act that way. And as a female bartender, if you need to pretend you're interested in all your guests, so be it. You'll make bank. It works the same way for guys.

I know loads of bartenders who really play up the flirting, the buddy-buddy behavior, they buy the patron drinks on the house, and then they close up shop and put their wedding ring on. One of the best female bartenders I know, knows every person by name. She knows all of their drinks. She's on first name basis with them all, carries on conversations about their personal lives, buys drinks... and she's completely taken.

I would go back to the bar on a more quiet night, get a feel for this guy, see if he's interested in YOU before you start flinging your number out only to be rejected.

June 10, 2013

You're just not really getting that it's essential to have the man pursue you...that's how you know he has true interest, not the other way around...you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and coming off way too available.

Overall women should not and are not meant to be the aggressors IMO, not directly anyway. It's in a man's nature to pursue, you have to give him that opportunity or he will take you for granted and lose interest since if you are initiating with him...this also allows him to be lazy since you're making the first moves.

It's very easy not to take you very seriously from a man's point of view...sure there's exceptions to the rule (at times) and if the guy is shy he may need some persuasion, but it doesn't mean you outright ask him out...which you basically did, sure a lot of guys will state they would love that and depending how you do it might be a big plus...but statistically and generally speaking, I'm will to be more often than not that method fails...and that's consistent with the feedback I've received...sometimes I wonder if this forum is real life. But it's got to be right...it's got to be a different dynamic that would allow an exception...otherwise you follow the rules...unless you can make your own, which takes skill/talent IMO because at the initial state, it's not as genuine as you may think it is...you hardly know the person in reality.

Maybe he'll call you back this week...maybe he won't, depends on other factors that have nothing to do with you...so, good luck.

June 10, 2013

Just so you're aware, people do the number on the napkin thing SO often. I'm sure this guy gets it all the time.

The point of being a bartender is to be very social, personable, spark up conversation with patrons, and have drinks with them. If you become a regular in a bar, it's guaranteed you will get drinks on the house, it's all bartender/drinker etiquette.

The more drinks you get, the higher the tip you're going to leave the bartender, so in the end it all really works out.

I don't see anything in this post that shows me he's into you on any level other than being the personable bartender to get his tips. I mean, you could always go for it, see what happens, but I wouldn't take his behavior to mean he's interested. To be a good bartender, you HAVE to act that way. And as a female bartender, if you need to pretend you're interested in all your guests, so be it. You'll make bank. It works the same way for guys.

I know loads of bartenders who really play up the flirting, the buddy-buddy behavior, they buy the patron drinks on the house, and then they close up shop and put their wedding ring on. One of the best female bartenders I know, knows every person by name. She knows all of their drinks. She's on first name basis with them all, carries on conversations about their personal lives, buys drinks... and she's completely taken.

I would go back to the bar on a more quiet night, get a feel for this guy, see if he's interested in YOU before you start flinging your number out only to be rejected.

Sorry, Katz, there are two stories in this thread. I just didn't want to start a new thread.. I met some other guy at the bar, and he gave me his number and email address... and closed my tab without telling me..

June 10, 2013

How exactly did I come off as too available?? He didn't have my number. I texted him so that he'd have my number and basically said I was interested. So by merely showing interest, I appear too desperate? Come on. I don't like these little games. I am a no-bullsh*t type of person. I don't beat around the bush too much. My text was way too subtle even to my liking. I did not come off as desperate in any of my interactions with this guy. I didn't ask for his number -- he gave me his. All I did was fire off one text. How is that equivalent to being too available? I don't like playing these "wait for 2 days then text" rules, etc. It's all bullcrap to be honest. If a guy won't like me and will ignore my intelligence and good looks because I just texted him too soon, he can go f*ck himself.

June 10, 2013

How exactly did I come off as too available?? He didn't have my number. I texted him so that he'd have my number and basically said I was interested. So by merely showing interest, I appear too desperate? Come on. I don't like these little games. I am a no-bullsh*t type of person. I don't beat around the bush too much. My text was way too subtle even to my liking. I did not come off as desperate in any of my interactions with this guy. I didn't ask for his number -- he gave me his. All I did was fire off one text. How is that equivalent to being too available? I don't like playing these "wait for 2 days then text" rules, etc. It's all bullcrap to be honest. If a guy won't like me and will ignore my intelligence and good looks because I just texted him too soon, he can go f*ck himself.

It's not necessarily a "rule" it's just basic biology. Men from the beginning have been the hunters, the pursuers. They enjoy this.

It's also as Ninja said, a really great way to gauge the interest on his end. Is HE the one initiating texts and asking you out? GREAT!

You don't want to wind up in something where you're the aggressor, you're the chaser, you're pulling all the weight and carrying the relationship. A great thing to do in the early stages of dating is to "mirror" the other person. It's not BS or a rule, it's just to keep the early stages neutral, and it prevents you from becoming too dominant in the relationship.

If he waits a certain amount of time to text you, then you wait to that certain amount to text back. If he comes off flirty, be flirty back. Essentially mirror exactly what he's doing but don't go past that. At least not in the very beginning.

June 10, 2013

Well, I texted him a few hours ago, and said, "thanks for the drinks and the great company. Glad you gave me your number. It would be great to see you again. So... call me. " He got back to me a few hours later, saying. "My pleasure. Will definitely give you a call this week. :)"

Glad he gave you his number? really?...like if he was doing you a favor or something?

If anything you should have said when he gave you his number "Actually, here's my number...you can give me a call and I'll save your number in my phone"

At the end of the meeting before you parted simply say "It was nice talking to with you, I enjoyed myself...you know how to reach me, take care"

Then that's it....your job is over from that point on...you don't go him get wiggly fingers and feel like you have to initiate contact before you "lose his interest", that's essentially a move that can be taken as "desperate"...you might not believe so, but mans got to have a feeling that he must take the initiative to engage you and that he is aware you are interested but not overly interested....like "omg it was so great to talk to you, please call me again" kind of thing, which is the impression he MAY have gotten.

And instead of reciprocated with something like "Hey, I really had a great time with you as well...I'll be a bit busy but I'd like to see you again this week, I'll keep in touch with you if you don't mind and let you know if it's a time you can make"

Instead it's like "oh hey, my pleasure...no worries, i'll get back to you when I get the time, but yeah I definitely want to see you"...that to me is a little brief but at the same time, he could just be playing his cards close to his chest...you said you're very pretty so if that's true a guy may want to play it extra cool to keep you on your toes.

At any rate, It may seem like it, but I'm really not trying to bombard you with critique and criticism, I know exactly where you are coming from...most women feel a lot like you when it comes to dating, unfortunately there are "rules" to it, because of the way men and women work..which is different, it's a little bit of a chest match in the beginning..nobody wants to come off overly desperate or interested and sometimes for many reasons someone may back-off in the end for their own reasons which can very but still fits in the same box...if that makes any sense.

I'm just trying to give you a different perspective, I know it's probably not what you want to hear and may feel a little defensive about it, but I tend to know men...really, really, really well...I don't just do this shet online with "strangers", if anything I'm working with much less information comparatively.

He may call you back, he may not...right now it really is up in the air, just be patient and take your time...don't get overly emotional, just let things simmer and let him make a move as well as keeping your eyes open for other men you may be interested in...take it slow and just talk and get to know guys, it doesn't have to be an automatic date or initiating, and you don't have to get anxious over interest so quickly just because you really think you like a guy you hardly know.

It can be really easy to get frustrated right now and just throw your hands up in the air, but take a day at a time and pace yourself, give things a chance to develop and try to keep your expectations manageable and reasonable.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

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