depressed SO needs help

[pandoras box]

My boyfriend of three years has been what I would consider severly depressed over money for the past year or so. The whole time since it started, I have been reassuring him that things will get better, there's nothing to do but wait it out. Things haven't gotten better, and he is just getting worse. I suggested seeing a couselor and he flipped out over it and told me to mind my own business. Nothing I say when he is upset over it or in a bad mood is right. I am out of encouraging things to say, out of support, out of suggestions, because he shoots absolutely everything down. It seems like he doesn't try everything he could, but when I suggest something he says "I HAVE" or "I CANT", etc.

 

Any suggestions on how to keep giving loving support would be greatly appreciated as I'm not the best at comforting. Please help :-/

[magda]

I suggest you try not to talk about it much. It might kinda reinforce his humiliation to have you trying to give him advice about it. He probably feels ****ty about it, ya know, and to have your girlfriend telling you things to do probably just adds to it. I think maybe try some good ole distraction - try to get his mind off of it. I mean, what does worrying do. Doesn't save any money to just get tense over the subject ..

[pandoras box]

i never bring it up unless he does, and distraction is what i've been trying but as soon as we're done doing whatever activity we choose, its like the depression comes right back, which is why i suspect clinical depression at this point and finally suggested therepy. i suppose maybe i should just keep waiting it out as there seems to be nothing more i can really do that i know of..

[Dean67]

But that's too easy, and the poor guy's troubles would only get worse.

 

I'll tell you a little bit about what I know about this from someone who's been there.

 

I was depressed for over a year when I was in the military...pretty much the same reason: Money. I'm no doctor but I talked ot plenty of them about depression and this is what I learned.

 

Basically: if he has less of an interest in things that used to interest him; If his day-to-day activities are affected by his mood (I used to sit for a couple of hours at a time doing NOTHING, and thinking nothing...I didn't seem to have the emotional energy to tie my shoe, until someone snapped me out of it); if he has lost a sense for the importance of his own life...especially if these things are getting worse or have lasted for a while...he's clinically depressed!

 

DON'T THINK HE'S UPSET AT YOU. If he's really irritable its probably because he's trying to defend his mental state, or self-image...he won't leave you, you're probably the sparkling center of hope his murky life, maybe his one true happiness.

 

Don't let him bring you down though, its like your in a pool together and he's drowning...if you let him bring you under and drown you, you cannot do him any good.

 

One thing that really tore me out of my depression is that I met a girl...I met plenty of girls during the time I was depressed, but this one treated me like I was her hero, and because of this I started to see myself the same way...it an old psychological trick...people act like they think other people expect them to. She didn't realize that she was doing this but she was.

 

If you can do it, try it.

 

Before I met her though I was on Zoloft, and my mental state was completely dependent on my taking of the drugs. (After I started dating this girl I stopped taking Zoloft and was generally stabilized by that relationship, and then my work, then my friends)

 

I would recommend one of these types of anti-depressants to anyone, and doctors give them out like candy because they are very safe (Prozac, Zoloft, Welbutrin...the "SSRIs"). Its not an easy sell for a guy though...its a blow to the pride! It was a major decision for me that was facilitated by suicidal thoughts and the realization that I wasn't kidding about them...Thank God I was given the presence of mind to see the way out of this.

 

To soothe his pride think of this: I rationalized my use of the anti-depressant as being an artificial solution in an artificial world...For ten million years men's lives were very simple, our natural urges and skills fit in to society, and all of our intincts were built around this. Now becoming angry at adversity doesn't help at all, it makes the situation worse. Things changed so fast in the last hundred years or so that our system couldn't adapt, and all the complications and intricacies (?) of modern society actually bear down on what men naturally are (bear with me...and understand that you are tyring to appeal to a man). Well, anyways this is what we live in, so this modern, sort-of alien society has provided a way for us to fit-in right now, as it should have. Its just a rationalization...and as rationalizations go, it's rather personalized...but its worked on others too.

 

ALSO...this can be cleverly worked into a conversation...actaully it MUST be...there are sexual side effects to these anti-depressents but they can be pretty sweet. Prozac was apparently introduced to help men who suffered from pre-ejaculation and was found to have its affects on depression only later...since all of the family of SSRI anti-depressants are basically spin-offs of Prozac they all have this effect...the sex can last forever when he's on them...it's pretty cool, and it may be one of the reasons I actually held on to that girl that I mentioned (she was way out of my league).

 

I hope this helps. Let him know that you need him in some kind of non-material way...like he makes you happy. Let him know that he's awesome and that he does have worth (but don't say it like that! and if you can get him to take an anti-depressant (he's going to have to think its his idea) you'll be amazed at how his life turns around.

 

Peace!

[pandoras box]

thanx a lot dean! i'll try harder to let him know im his biggest fan and that i do need him. he does say that im the only thing good he has going for him, and when we do do things we have fun. i dont think he'd take to any meds or anything but maybe he'll be okay without them (i've done plenty of anti-depressants in the past before realizing that im the only one that can make me happy). thanx!