CryForNoOne Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've been seeing someone I met on OKC for about 6 weeks now. We've had amazing chemistry since the moment we met but since our second date, things have gotten way too intense every time we see each other. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/385575-did-things-get-too-intense-second-date. She got drunk that night and told me she ran away because she "liked me too much", "wasn't in control of her actions", and preferred "guys she didn't like that much". We almost had sex that night but she gave me the ultimatum "You can f**k me once and I'll never talk to you again, or you can wait and get to f**k me a thousand times". It seemed like an act but now that I've gotten to know her I realize every single thing she said that night was true. We're starting to repeat that dance over and over now. I can tell when she gets turned on because she gets visibly nervous and starts trembling. I'll admit my ability to push her buttons that way is a huge turn on for me. We'll make out and then she'll whisper "no no no...", abruptly push me away, then start fanning herself because she's too hot and bothered. When things get really intense she'll say something to spoil the moment. We agreed to wait until our 5th date to have sex, which was this past Friday. The sexual tension was nuts. We went a little overboard with the PDA. People we staring at us all night. When we went back to my place, it happened all too fast and I didn't use protection. Afterwards she completely freaked out. She said some really nasty things to me and told me she had to go. She woke up one of her many guy friends she has FZ'd and asked him to pick her up. I told her to at least let me take her home, but she refused. She asked for my address but I wouldn't give it to her. This poor guy was driving around in his car waiting for an address. I finally told her to go "f**k herself" but then she calmed down and let me drive her home. We got into another argument on the way back to her place but we talked for about and hour and it ended with us making up and making out. We saw each other late Sunday night but it was very low key. I made lasagna and tiramisu for my mom on Mother's Day and brought some over for her. We sat on her front porch and talked for a couple hours then made out again. A few things that have come up in conversation or by text the past few days: - she said sometimes I'm too intense for her. - she doesn't understand why I "am so hard to scare off..." - she freaked out after sex, tried to push me away, and doesn't know how to deal with the emotions. - she tried to get me jealous by mentioning all the guys she's FZ'd that orbit around her. - exact quote: "At times I really try and scare you away. I think it's because the intensity gets too much for me at times and its like I get teretts". I talked to a female friend of mine and she's the one that insists she has BPD. I'm inclined to think the term is overused but I'm not sure how to process all this... PS She says she has been celibate for a year and has not and will not slept with any of the guys she knows because she doesn't like them like them. She insists she has never acted like this around anyone else but me. Not sure what to believe...
Emilia Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 - she freaked out after sex, tried to push me away, and doesn't know how to deal with the emotions. This can be a sign but BPD is extremely complex. This girl sounds more like a garden variety nutcase to me. Either way, bad news. Why are you even talking to her 4
Chief Wiggum Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Lol if this is true, then she's playing you, man. She seems like one of those girls that gets a kick out of confusing guys. There's probably two or three other suckers like you in her past that she's tried this on. I recommend one of below: 1. Continue playing her games (if you're strong enough) and getting some action out of it. 2. Walk away from the crazy bish. Number 2 is the safest route to take, as number 1 is a bit risky and you'll find yourself falling for her if you're not seasoned enough.
serial muse Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I don't know about BPD, but it does seem like she's kind of all over the place. I think this (part in bold): - she said sometimes I'm too intense for her. - she doesn't understand why I "am so hard to scare off..." - she freaked out after sex, tried to push me away, and doesn't know how to deal with the emotions. - she tried to get me jealous by mentioning all the guys she's FZ'd that orbit around her. - exact quote: "At times I really try and scare you away. I think it's because the intensity gets too much for me at times and its like I get teretts". ...is particularly annoying, especially considering the rest of that list, because it's blame-shifting - she thinks you're too intense?? Girl, please. Nice try. PS She says she has been celibate for a year and has not and will not slept with any of the guys she knows because she doesn't like them like them. She insists she has never acted like this around anyone else but me. Not sure what to believe... The bit about not sleeping with them may be true, but I'm going to guess that this isn't at all the first time she's been back-and-forth with "trying to scare off a guy". That's a learned behavior and while I doubt it's malicious, it IS childish, particularly when she tries to blame it on you. All in all, her lack of self-awareness suggests there will be more of the same in store for you if you continue to date her, since she isn't inclined to own her behavior. That's the red flag here, to me, BPD or no...
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 This can be a sign but BPD is extremely complex. This girl sounds more like a garden variety nutcase to me. Either way, bad news. Why are you even talking to her She's really a sweet girl most of them time. She's always telling me to slow down but once I initiate the physical intimacy, she obviously doesn't want me to stop, then the mood swings occur. She also says she doesn't want to drink around me, but the more she says that, the more it seems to happen. I'm a guy and don't know how to slow down... Respecting her request for no sex until 5th date was slowing down...
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 No, I don't think she has BPD. I think she's highly-strung and a commitment-phobe. I think you're going to need nerves of steel to see this through because she sounds like bloody hard work. Is she worth it? Seriously, I'm asking. Do you think she's worth it? 4
Emilia Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 No, I don't think she has BPD. I think she's highly-strung and a commitment-phobe. I think you're going to need nerves of steel to see this through because she sounds like bloody hard work. Is she worth it? Seriously, I'm asking. Do you think she's worth it? Yeah, I agree with this. As I said, either way this will end in tears OP
Treasa Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 We agreed to wait until our 5th date to have sex, which was this past Friday. The sexual tension was nuts. We went a little overboard with the PDA. People we staring at us all night. When we went back to my place, it happened all too fast and I didn't use protection. Afterwards she completely freaked out. She said some really nasty things to me and told me she had to go. She woke up one of her many guy friends she has FZ'd and asked him to pick her up. I told her to at least let me take her home, but she refused. She asked for my address but I wouldn't give it to her. This poor guy was driving around in his car waiting for an address. I finally told her to go "f**k herself" but then she calmed down and let me drive her home. We got into another argument on the way back to her place but we talked for about and hour and it ended with us making up and making out. The part I bolded? Yeah, don't do that. It's pretty douchey, especially if she's really upset. I have to wonder if she was sexually abused at some point. 1
serial muse Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) She's really a sweet girl most of them time. She's always telling me to slow down but once I initiate the physical intimacy, she obviously doesn't want me to stop, then the mood swings occur. She also says she doesn't want to drink around me, but the more she says that, the more it seems to happen. I'm a guy and don't know how to slow down... Respecting her request for no sex until 5th date was slowing down... Unless I'm missing something, I don't think the part in bold is true - it sounds like you did respect her request. Does she want you to never initiate physicality? Similarly, has she ever initiated - and if so, was it ever followed by this same reaction on her part of regret and ambivalence? I was wondering about sexual abuse as well, if the issue is just her comfort level with physical intimacy. And for something like that, setting clearer boundaries (and determining whether it's related to who initiates) might help. But I'm not sure about that; the other stuff - talking about guys in orbit to make you jealous and trying to "scare you off" and telling you you're too intense sometimes after the back-and-forth on her part - that points to a different kind of issue IMO. Edited May 14, 2013 by serial muse
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 The part I bolded? Yeah, don't do that. It's pretty douchey, especially if she's really upset. I get that but I responded somewhat emotionally as I was pissed that she was treating me like a creep when I know I did nothing wrong. I didn't want things to end on a sour note. I was also kinda calling her out on her bulli***** and later she admitted she was glad I drove her home. I have to wonder if she was sexually abused at some point. My female friend thinks the same thing. Her parents divorced when she was very young and she describes her step father as "not a good person". I've never really tried to talk to her more about it though...
Treasa Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I get that but I responded somewhat emotionally as I was pissed that she was treating me like a creep when I know I did nothing wrong. I didn't want things to end on a sour note. I was also kinda calling her out on her bulli***** and later she admitted she was glad I drove her home. My female friend thinks the same thing. Her parents divorced when she was very young and she describes her step father as "not a good person". I've never really tried to talk to her more about it though... You might want to pass on this girl. In fact, you definitely should. And don't behave emotionally when someone else already is. It never ends well that way. 2
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Unless I'm missing something, I don't think the part in bold is true - it sounds like you did respect her request. Does she want you to never initiate physicality? Similarly, has she ever initiated - and if so, was it ever followed by this same reaction on her part of regret and ambivalence? She really likes to hold hands and cuddle. She usually initiates that. Whenever we sit near each other she'll get really close and rest her head on my shoulders. But kissing and heavy petting I think is almost always me. I dont really think about it before it happens, I just follow my instincts. She has never pushed me away initially...
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It's amazing what men will put up with for a hot woman... 4
happydate Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) She really likes to hold hands and cuddle. She usually initiates that. Whenever we sit near each other she'll get really close and rest her head on my shoulders. But kissing and heavy petting I think is almost always me. I dont really think about it before it happens, I just follow my instincts. She has never pushed me away initially... I had dated this type of girl already. Seemed like the same M.O -- laughing now as I thought she was unique. She was an affection queen (cuddle, heavy petting, kissing even in public profusely). Acts like a little kid even for a 47yr old woman! She has museum like quality character like she's stuck in the early 80s. She has extremely wild mood swings and she takes BC like it's candies. Are you a seasoned veteran? If not, let me suggest you get out as soon as you can. She is an extremely good manipulator of men, except for strong Alpha males. Edited May 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Graphic sexual content redacted.
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I have to wonder if she was sexually abused at some point. Well she told me this weekend that her step father use to beat her mother almost to death (and her once). He held a gun to her head and stabbed her. He real father left when she was a baby. That explains a lot. I'm going to be patient with her but also know this might be too much to deal with in the long run...
ChessPieceFace Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If you do stay with her, I'm sure you'll have a very exciting breakup. Assuming you physically survive that, be sure to post the details, I'm sure the forum will find it entertaining.
serial muse Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Well she told me this weekend that her step father use to beat her mother almost to death (and her once). He held a gun to her head and stabbed her. He real father left when she was a baby. That explains a lot. I'm going to be patient with her but also know this might be too much to deal with in the long run... Huh. Does she still say the "you're too intense for me" bit? Because, no. It's amazing what men will put up with for a hot woman... Pretty much this, yeah. 1
ja123 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 We agreed to wait until our 5th date to have sex, which was this past Friday. The sexual tension was nuts. We went a little overboard with the PDA. People we staring at us all night. When we went back to my place, it happened all too fast and I didn't use protection. Afterwards she completely freaked out. Say, whaaa?
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Say, whaaa? I'm kinda surprised your the first to comment on that. I'm pretty certain it's been a year for her but I was shocked she didn't say anything to me. I guess she really was caught up in the moment and not fully in control...
serial muse Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I'm kinda surprised your the first to comment on that. I'm pretty certain it's been a year for her but I was shocked she didn't say anything to me. I guess she really was caught up in the moment and not fully in control... ...as were you? Cry, don't take this the wrong way, but you do kinda sound like you're just turned on by the drama, and that's why this girl's your number one pick, of the various other people you were dating. I think that maybe that's much more worth pondering than what her particular diagnosis is...no matter who you end up with, you have to live with you. 2
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Never a boy scout - were you? You know....? "Be Prepared".....? You're lucky you seem to have got away with it. Don't do that to a lady, ever again, ok?
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Say, whaaa? ...as were you? Cry, don't take this the wrong way, but you do kinda sound like you're just turned on by the drama, and that's why this girl's your number one pick, of the various other people you were dating. I think that maybe that's much more worth pondering than what her particular diagnosis is...no matter who you end up with, you have to live with you. I'm attracted to very passionate right brained women. The drama I could do without but passion and drama sadly almost always go hand in hand...
Author CryForNoOne Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Never a boy scout - were you? You know....? "Be Prepared".....? You're lucky you seem to have got away with it. Don't do that to a lady, ever again, ok? We were in my bedroom and I had protection in the night stand. I guess we both got caught up in the moment. The good news is that I'll never have to have that conversation about how's hate condoms because we did it all weekend and it was never mentioned...
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I'm a guy and don't know how to slow down... Respecting her request for no sex until 5th date was slowing down... That is your problem. You expect women to bear the load of pacing things. Poor baby... boo hoo. You got cold feet early on, then still expected her to be all A-Ok with sex after that. Just cause you say so... and to take your word for it. uh huh. Agreeing to or pushing unprotected sex too. Bet this isn't the first time, is it? When was the last time you were tested? Or is that something you expect her to take your word for as well?? Of course she is nervous... and has reason to be if you can't control yourself physically and expect her to do all the work. Her problem is that she is not listening to her gut. She should have sent you packing when her spidey sense went up. Now she expects you to make things ok for her emotionally, and that isn't realistic either. So, yea... this is par for the course in OLD. You aren't committed, but wanna have sex ASAP and will say whatever you need to... up to and including having unprotected sex. She is nervous about your intentions, but has sex hoping it will make it ok. I'd say scrap this one. Both of you are messed up.
carhill Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 We almost had sex that night but she gave me the ultimatum "You can f**k me once and I'll never talk to you again, or you can wait and get to f**k me a thousand times" Ha, the gas light got turned on. Imagine the thing she most wanted from being with you, and placing an ultimatum like that in her face. The Enterprise transporter couldn't remove her from your presence more quickly. Leave the psychological diagnosis for a professional who doesn't care. Move on. Good luck. 1
Recommended Posts